My boyfriend broke up with me

[Alex39]

Just thought I'd give an update. 

I've mostly not thought of him. But the moments I do, I'm sad. I've had a very hard time since our breakup and the one person I want to tell about it is him. 

The day of our breakup, I was upset, crying, I tripped, slammed my foot, broke open, blood everywhere, hurt it badly. Ended up in terrible pain limping for days. Too swollen to wear shoes. I had to shove my hurt foot into a dress shoe and make it to work. I ended up getting an infection and had to take antibiotics. 

All I wanted was to tell him about it. But it was somewhat his fault. If I hadn't been broken up with, crying, I wouldn't have tripped.

Then a week later I got covid and have been very sick since. I've been alone at home. Sad. Missing the holiday with my family. Normally I'd call him, tell him about it. But he doesn't care now. I have my sad moments. I try to push them aside. I'm back on a dating app, but not much to choose from and I'm not matching with anyone or having any conversations yet. 

My brother who is younger than me lives with his serious girlfriend. My mother starts saying how he wants to get her something really special for Christmas. Not ready for an engagement ring, but something nice like a really nice piece of jewelry. And she starts saying how we can go with him and help pick something out. Now if there is one thing I'm good at it's shopping and buying gifts. 

But this made me feel really bad. A cruel reminder of me being alone, single, hopeless. 

They'll probably be engaged in a year or so and I'll be the pathetic spinster at their wedding. The poor older sister who can't get a man. No one buying me nice jewelry or even trying to get to know me.

[Alex39]

On another note. I think I may have mentioned him before. My best friend from work who is like a mother to me. She has a son and she said for years how we are so similar. He and I texted on and off for years, then met, and we have stayed friends for years, only spending time together with his mom and his family. 

He was a military veteran who struggled to get on his feet after leaving the service. He struggled with building a career and hopped job to job. Was jobless for a while, then moved back in with his mom amd dad. That's when I met him. 

He and I have so so much in common. He has since gotten a job and moved many states away. He owes his job to me. I helped him.  But the job is paying very little and his life there isn't ideal. 

Since he heard about my breakup, he's been texting and calling me a lot more. We get along so well. I love his energy and his intelligence.  We want and like similar things. I keep telling him to come back here, and he says he'd like to. 

His mom, even recently told me how she thinks we are perfect for one another and she's always held out hope that we'll end up together. She told me that he really likes me. 

I really like him too and I like our friendship. He's also really attractive to me. I'd date him. His mom and dad love me. I get along so well with his family. 

But

He doesn't still have his life together. He's 36. Living in a rented room across the country. His motivation is there. He's trying to build his career and his mom told me how he really wants to get married and have kids. But I can't just wait around hoping he comes back. I love his phone calls and he's the sweetest guy. 

 

[boltnrun]

Please don't jump right to another inappropriate man just because you're feeling sad and lonely. This is the exact behavior that got you where you are now. Just hoping and hoping someone who isn't right for you will magically turn into husband material.

You would have to move him into your home. You would have to carry the majority of the financial burden. How can you have children when you have to be the primary breadwinner? Can you afford to support another adult plus children on your salary? Do you want to have to go right back to work after giving birth because you can't make it without your income?

Please, Alex, don't put yourself through this again just because your brother is buying his girlfriend jewelry. You'd end up right back where you are now, heartbroken and sad and wondering how it all went so wrong.

I'm sorry you are sick and were injured. Please take care of yourself in ALL ways. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I'm back on a dating app, but not much to choose from and I'm not matching with anyone or having any conversations yet. 

Hope you feel better. It's understandable you're hurt and angry. But he didn't cause your foot injury. 

What dating apps are you on? Please be more selective. You don't need to chase broke guys and fixer uppers. That was the problem with your friends son as well as this last guy. You seem to be afraid of decent men. 

[Alex39]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't jump right to another inappropriate man just because you're feeling sad and lonely. This is the exact behavior that got you where you are now. Just hoping and hoping someone who isn't right for you will magically turn into husband material.

You would have to move him into your home. You would have to carry the majority of the financial burden. How can you have children when you have to be the primary breadwinner? Can you afford to support another adult plus children on your salary? Do you want to have to go right back to work after giving birth because you can't make it without your income?

Please, Alex, don't put yourself through this again just because your brother is buying his girlfriend jewelry. You'd end up right back where you are now, heartbroken and sad and wondering how it all went so wrong.

I'm sorry you are sick and were injured. Please take care of yourself in ALL ways. 

This guy won't date me at all. He says he likes me bit he doesn't want to date until he feels he is secure in his life and ready to offer me something. I really respect that. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He's also really attractive to me. I'd date him

Why?

Because it soothes you to have this guy messaging you saying nice things?

Again, this is how you keep ending up with the wrong men. You aren't focusing on finding a good man who is compatible with you and who is in a secure place in his life and who is ready and willing and able to be in a committed love relationship with you. You're trying to find some man, any man, who gives you attention. You hope one of these men will somehow transform magically into a husband. 

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He says he likes me bit he doesn't want to date until he feels he is secure in his life and ready to offer me something. I really respect that. 

But yet you would date him if he asked. Even though you already know he's kind of fumbling through life. How do you think that would turn out?

Please, Alex, stop and think. What is it you really want? Attention from any guy who comes along regardless of whether or not he's right for you? Or the right man?

[Alex39]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why?

Because it soothes you to have this guy messaging you saying nice things?

Again, this is how you keep ending up with the wrong men. You aren't focusing on finding a good man who is compatible with you and who is in a secure place in his life and who is ready and willing and able to be in a committed love relationship with you. You're trying to find some man, any man, who gives you attention. You hope one of these men will somehow transform magically into a husband. 

But yet you would date him if he asked. Even though you already know he's kind of fumbling through life. How do you think that would turn out?

Please, Alex, stop and think. What is it you really want? Attention from any guy who comes along regardless of whether or not he's right for you? Or the right man?

I'd date him, because he's the type of guy who wouldn't ask me out unless he felt completely ready to offer me a life with him and unlike my ex, at least he isn't wasting my time while trying to figure himself out currently. I can respect that. I like that we are still friends regardless. 

I also look at mylife and see imperfection. I'm always trying to better my financial situation. It isn't great. And I'm always working and struggling on my health, body, and physique. Trying to be better

 If I sat back and waited for my life and myself to be perfect, I'd never ever date. I do think people can be works in progress and still try to forge a life together. No one person is perfect, exactly where thet want to be, and fully secure. I'm responsible and put together, but not perfect. 

 

[MissCanuck]

It you’re already on the hunt for another man and are entertaining the idea of dating this other one…..you have learned nothing from your recent relationship experience and break-up. 

Nothing at all. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Canuck and Boltnrun and first I wanted to write -I hope you feel much much better soon and I'm really sorry you got covid!!

You are really talented and picking out gifts -I'd choose you as my friend to help -except I'm really good at it too LOL.  But - take a pass this time.  It's too soon.  OK? My dear friend broke off an engagement to a guy she met on Match - a guy I'd known of for years. Didn't have the best rep  - but I was rooting for her. She also was in her early 30s, she also struggled a bit with her weight (very attractive woman, always doing for others, controlling mom - older sister who was a physician and then married to one, younger brother with a girlfriend -hmmmm.

On the day of what would have been her wedding I told her -I'm taking you to brunch and then do you want to try yoga? She agreed.  So we sit down - one of those lovely places - and - OMG the china plates are ---- the pattern she'd registered for.  She - told me -she got a little emotional -composed herself. 

Obviously I'd never wanted her to see her china pattern -just like I don't think you need jewelry or gifts for a special girlfriend in your face right now. 

She was -strong and had been dating for many years by then.  

1.5 years later -I've written about her -she met her future husband in her apartment building's laundry room on a rainy Valentine's Day - they married around 1.5 years later and had 2 beautiful children -now teenagers. 

Yes -hers is "when you least expect it" but she went through the wringer, the front lines of dating -we even dated the same jerks - the pathological liar, the guy who was dating her and my other friend at the same time (I didn't date him as he'd lied about his age).  She deserved the best of the best -such a big heart -and I'm glad her husband is the wonderful man he is.  There are no guarantees but I am hopeful that -like her -you also have a big heart and mean well - you will find your way. 

This person -my friend - she even took my call the day I called her to tell her I was pregnant - she was about to give birth -she took my call even though her dad had suddenly died the day before as her husband told me when he answered the landline.  This is the kind of person she was -she still wanted to hear my news.  You are like that too and if you start making better choices and not telling yourself "alone" and "hopeless" - keep working on being healthy and fit - no guarantees but I wouldn't be surprised at all if you find your person.

I hope the story didn't derail -I thought you might find some hope in it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I do think people can be works in progress and still try to forge a life together. I'm responsible and put together, but not perfect. 

Whether or not a man you decide to date has some minimum requirements such as a decent place to live, financial stability, etc. is entirely up to you. In both these cases, neither of them had either of those. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whether or not a man you decide to date has some minimum requirements such as a decent place to live, financial stability, etc. is entirely up to you. In both these cases, neither of them had either of those. 

Yes -also Alex get the word "perfect" out of the vocab especially when you are rationalizing to this extent.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you're not specifically fishing for fixer uppers believing that they'll "need" you and therefore are easier. 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

On another note. I think I may have mentioned him before. My best friend from work who is like a mother to me. She has a son and she said for years how we are so similar. He and I texted on and off for years, then met, and we have stayed friends for years, only spending time together with his mom and his family. 

 

No, just no.

You dont need to date projects or get stuck on them. You need to look at some new guy who will be the right guy at this time, not some "mommys boy" who failed in life and got back to mom and dad. Its completely unacceptable to even entertain somebody like him as an idea if you trully want to move forward and find somebody to start a family. 

[Jaunty]

I completely agree about "PERFECT.'  

PERFECT is not your friend.  You have a form of perfectionism that will never lead you to the kind of growth that will bring you to your best fullest potential in life.   It's based on superficial things and you fail to get to depth in a real way.  

Also accepting men as potential partners based on "he's not perfect" is not your friend.

Of course no one is perfect, but you need to stop considering the "potential" you think a man may have when you are considering them.   They don't need to be anything like  PERFECT but they need tp be grounded and ready when you first start dating.   This friend of yours; I remember all about him from a prior thread.   He may get his act together some time and he may not, but it's not healthy for you to be entertaining fantasies about how PERFECT it might be if he does some day and he could fill in that empty spot of yours.

I'm really sorry you hurt yourself and got sick.   You are under a lot of emotional stress because of what you've been through.  But none of it is that loser's "fault."  If there is one thing I wish you would grasp, and so far I have seen no signs of it, it's that you drove that whole situation all by yourself and you treated yourself horribly by persisting the way you did.  

You need to love yourself.  That would include gaining the ability to realize with not a shadow of a doubt that ANY man who is not very interested in being with you, regardless of his job status, earning potential, etc.  is someone you need to walk away from quickly.

I hope you feel much better soon.

[kim42]

Hi Alex, I'm sorry that you had covid, it seems you're going through a difficult period. I understand that you're probably lonely right now and enjoy the attention from the other guy, and that's ok, but you don't have to date him or consider dating him - it's ok to be single, especially right after a break up.

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'd date him, because he's the type of guy who wouldn't ask me out unless he felt completely ready to offer me a life with him and unlike my ex, at least he isn't wasting my time while trying to figure himself out currently. I can respect that. I like that we are still friends regardless. 

I also look at mylife and see imperfection. I'm always trying to better my financial situation. It isn't great. And I'm always working and struggling on my health, body, and physique. Trying to be better

 If I sat back and waited for my life and myself to be perfect, I'd never ever date. I do think people can be works in progress and still try to forge a life together. No one person is perfect, exactly where thet want to be, and fully secure. I'm responsible and put together, but not perfect. 

 

I never said a man should be "perfect".  That would be ridiculous.  The term I used was "the right man for you".  Not one mention of being "perfect".

I understand it feels good to be soothed with nice words from this man, but you are doing what you've been doing all along (and refuse to acknowledge)...any man who gives you a bit of attention is your new boyfriend.  And that's a dangerous place to be.  You know how the last one turned out, when you were trying to force a relationship with a man who didn't want one.  And this current guy has flat out told you he's not dating because his life is unsettled.  And yet you say "I would date him" and "no one's perfect".  Oof.

Are you willing to step back for a minute and evaluate how the way you've been doing things hasn't worked?  Or are you more focused on just having some man in your life so you can have a "boyfriend" for a few months?

[catfeeder]

You’re your own worst enemy. You drill yourself down into the sad and lonely routine that saps you of all optimism and energy. Then you don’t feel motivated enough to get out in life and do the work of finding a great man who is attracted to optimistic energy.

You sink yourself into the depths of despair and settle for guys who have nothing to offer but some tolerance for desperation.

We’ve spent countless posts over countless threads trying to encourage you to build a social life, explore interests and hobbies, stop spending so much time with your mother, and test out subscription services to apps that losers can’t afford and bottom feeding users don’t need to pay for.

 We can’t teach you optimism, it’s experiential and self taught. But it’s the very quality that quality partners bring to the table. A relationship can’t make you happy, but happy people find happy relationships.

 I hope you’ll feel better soon.

[Alex39]

Besides online I have no idea how to go out and meet a quality man. I don't just run into guys my age at the grocery store. Guys never notice me or even talk to me

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

A relationship can’t make you happy, but happy people find happy relationships.

I love this!

Blow it up and cut and paste to your fridge! 

I might!  

[arjumand]

Alex, you don't need to meet quality men right now. You need to be a quality woman and that means taking the time to make yourself happy. That is what quality is. And you would be amazed that when you are happy with your life -- when you have friends and activities and things you enjoy -- you meet men because they notice happy. Right now you are giving off desperation because you want a man, any man, to notice you. That is not attractive. And that is not good for you.

Take a year, work on you. Not just therapy. Find things you enjoy -- try different volunteer opportunities. Find classes to take that actually interest you. Find community groups to join. Spend time on hobbies that you have stopped or not done in a while. Make things. Learn a language. Bake. Do something. Make your life fulfilling. Stop giving so much attention to people who make you nuts. Find your people. 

Then in a year you might find a man, you might not. But you will have a better, happier life. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Besides online I have no idea how to go out and meet a quality man. I don't just run into guys my age at the grocery store. Guys never notice me or even talk to me

People have given you multiple suggestions and recommendations on how to meet men. You just haven't taken any of them. 

Hanging out with your mom and her middle aged friends or going on "girls trips" with your married friends or sitting at home with your cat or baking in your kitchen won't help you meet quality single men. 

Please reread all of your long threads. There are many suggestions. That is, if you really do want to meet decent men. If you refuse to follow any suggestions or make any changes I can only conclude you don't really want to meet someone decent and compatible and are content with going from short term dating situation to short term dating situation. 

It makes no sense that someone like you, who has so much going for her, doesn't seem to want to get out into the world to meet new people. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Besides online I have no idea how to go out and meet a quality man. I don't just run into guys my age at the grocery store. Guys never notice me or even talk to me

Volunteer work.  Meetup groups -especially focused on sports/activities like hiking.  Look at past threads.  Ask married friends and ask them to ask their friends.  Be in places where no one needs to initiate a conversation with a stranger -where it's natural to mingle and talk -meet new women who might also know men who are suitable for you to meet.

[Alex39]

25 minutes ago, arjumand said:

Alex, you don't need to meet quality men right now. You need to be a quality woman and that means taking the time to make yourself happy. That is what quality is. And you would be amazed that when you are happy with your life -- when you have friends and activities and things you enjoy -- you meet men because they notice happy. Right now you are giving off desperation because you want a man, any man, to notice you. That is not attractive. And that is not good for you.

Take a year, work on you. Not just therapy. Find things you enjoy -- try different volunteer opportunities. Find classes to take that actually interest you. Find community groups to join. Spend time on hobbies that you have stopped or not done in a while. Make things. Learn a language. Bake. Do something. Make your life fulfilling. Stop giving so much attention to people who make you nuts. Find your people. 

Then in a year you might find a man, you might not. But you will have a better, happier life. 

I'm almost 32. I want to get married and have kids. I don't have years to be spending alone. I'll end up not having kids at all. I spent the last 4 years being single purposefully and trying to discover myself. 

[Alex39]

I like girls trips. I like baking. I like my life. 

I just started a part time job and I'm really happy running a local business. Hoping to meet new people that way. It's still new. 

None of my friends have anyone to set me up with. I've asked. My friends husband's have immature friends. My two best girl friends told me they'd never set me up with their husband's friends because all they do is play video games and smoke weed. Not my type of guy. 

[Alex39]

None of my friends want to get out or go anywhere. I'd go to a bar on a friday night for drinks, but no one will go with me. They just want to stay home with their husband's or babies