Am i ungrateful of the things that my boyfriend gave me?

[Sammm21]

Few years ago, my boyfriend gave me a luxury watch for my birthday. I did wear it out and about but now he wants me to wear it purposely to my workplace just to “show it off” to my colleagues. I told him that I can’t as it would seem like an unsuitable place to wear it. Also, I do think that you should maintain a certain professionalism at your workplace.

He said that I wasn’t appreciative of the things that he gave me and he feels that I am abit embarassed about it. He also states that i don’t show it off on my social media unlike other girls who would share it in a heartbeat.

Also, he owns a few luxury cars and he states that he would like to pick me for lunch at my workplace just to show his cars off to my colleagues. We fought about it as I told him not to as this would create some gossip in my workplace.

My boyfriend states that he loves to show off his achievements due to his past childhood. He was bullied due to his poor family background and was always looked down upon by his relatives. He believes that once you are rich, people would look up to you more and everything you said is valid. Which is true in our society and I feel sad about it. I also tell him that i prefer to be more reserved about my things but he doesn’t understand. He said that i should be proud of the things he gave me.

Psa: sorry for the long post. I’m not trying to brag but i would like to seek some advice regarding this as this has always been a topic of argument everytime we brought it up. Thanks <3

[smackie9]

9 minutes ago, Sammm21 said:

My boyfriend states that he loves to show off his achievements due to his past childhood. He was bullied due to his poor family background and was always looked down upon by his relatives.

Big red flag. He gave you that watch, not to see you be happy or to feel loved, but to appease his over inflated insecure ego. He's only doing this for himself. Now he's being controlling and unreasonable. That's being abusive. This boy is fragile in the brain. Girl time to get away from this one.

[Kwothe28]

I would say its a difference in values. As he is somebody who likes to show off and would like you to show off as well. Or rather to show you off. For a world to see hes got money and flashjing it out on his girlfriend. While you are more modest one and dont like stuff like that. Its true, some other more materialistic ones wouldnt budge to show off what their boyfriends got them. There is a full Instagram of those ones. However you are not one of those. So, if one or both of you isnt comfortable with that difference in values, I am afraid both of you should look elswhere for somebody else who will.

[Deejmonster]

57 minutes ago, Sammm21 said:

Few years ago, my boyfriend gave me a luxury watch for my birthday. I did wear it out and about but now he wants me to wear it purposely to my workplace just to “show it off” to my colleagues. I told him that I can’t as it would seem like an unsuitable place to wear it. Also, I do think that you should maintain a certain professionalism at your workplace.

He said that I wasn’t appreciative of the things that he gave me and he feels that I am abit embarassed about it. He also states that i don’t show it off on my social media unlike other girls who would share it in a heartbeat.

Also, he owns a few luxury cars and he states that he would like to pick me for lunch at my workplace just to show his cars off to my colleagues. We fought about it as I told him not to as this would create some gossip in my workplace.

My boyfriend states that he loves to show off his achievements due to his past childhood. He was bullied due to his poor family background and was always looked down upon by his relatives. He believes that once you are rich, people would look up to you more and everything you said is valid. Which is true in our society and I feel sad about it. I also tell him that i prefer to be more reserved about my things but he doesn’t understand. He said that i should be proud of the things he gave me.

Psa: sorry for the long post. I’m not trying to brag but i would like to seek some advice regarding this as this has always been a topic of argument everytime we brought it up. Thanks ❤️

Your man has some personal issues that are obvious. You don't buy something for someone in order to have them "humble brag" to everyone. He is using material items to elevate his status as a way to feel better about himself. I would never buy something for someone for that reason, its vain. Sounds like the emotional trauma that he went through growing up has given him a warped sense of self worth and he feels like people should love you and respect you for your money and status versus who you actually are as a person. I think you need to evaluate what he brings to the table beyond money. It sounds like he has some deep seeded issues that are manifesting in other behaviors that are not going to solve themselves and will ultimately damage your relationship with him. You two are on different pages in life. 

[Coily]

You two come very different worlds. His is one of materialism and showiness, probably one of those people who would buy a thing because it's trendy.

So are you "ungrateful"? No. You simply aren't obsessed with material status the way he is. Which will cause further disruptions to your relationship. You both are seeking someone the other isn't, at least on this topic.

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, Sammm21 said:

He was bullied due to his poor family background and was always looked down upon by his relatives.

Old money doesn't care about brands.  Warren Buffet, one of the richest men on the planet, still uses coupons at McDonalds.  His insecurities are a him problem; not a you problem.  Honestly, people who have a "Keeping Up with the Jones" mentality or more currently coined, "keeping up with the influentials" are  in many cases, "house poor."

Just remind him, you don't feel comfortable bragging to potential robbers and criminals what you have.  People who also hold gifts over your head are nasty; this part I definitely think he's gross.

My buddy who is constantly given diamonds and diamond rings by her boyfriend wouldn't marry her if his life depended on it, and they've been together for just about two decades, with kids, and he bailed on their wedding years ago.  So who cares.

[boltnrun]

People who would be impressed by a fancy car or expensive watch aren't quality people. 

There is often a difference between quality material items and expensive ones, BTW. I've seen some pretty expensive crap that was poorly made (and made in sweat shops or child labor mills) and I've seen inexpensive stuff that looked great and worked well.

I'm sorry your boyfriend feels so badly about himself that he tries to compensate with material things. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sammm21 said:

. I did wear it out and about but now he wants me to wear it purposely to my workplace just to “show it off” to my colleagues. I told him that I can’t as it would seem like an unsuitable place to wear it. has always been a topic of argument everytime we brought it up. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he? Are you from different cultures or socioeconomic backgrounds? 

Do you feel that he is possessive or simply a nouveau-riche social climber? It's fine he drives a nice car or can afford expensive gifts but why must they be shown off at your workplace? 

It's fine if he has achieved some financial success and wants some things to show for it. However it's strange that he wants you to demonstrate these things at your workplace or social media. 

Perhaps reframe things and reflect if he's possessive or just materialistic. 

[Batya33]

I think it’s dangerous if a person has a lot of friends on social media - I mean including people they don’t know well or strangers- to post photos of expensive items. It’s inviting theft and unfairly triggers jealousy. And it’s tacky. I personally despise it and have no financial issues.  My friend posted an up close photo today of a gorgeous rose she saw on her morning walk in our local park. Or some similarly gorgeous flower. That made me smile. Another friend visited her hometown and posted a photo of the elderly family parrot. 
How does your boyfriend feel about the beauty of natural things ? Since he’s into posting on social media does he ever post photos of places you’ve gone like beaches or a lake or a hiking trail ? His friend’s cat holding court with that smug cat look ? Does he notice and appreciate real life ? Does he like art or live theater or museums or old books at a used book store ? Or does it all have to be shiny and flash and trendy and with bling to matter ? Who the heck cares how he was raised. He gets to choose as an adult how to react. He can show off his stuff all he wants it’s a free country. And you accepted his expensive gift except - it came with strings attached.  My husband bought me 3 gifts from his recent travels to Canada and Chicago. They all were sweets and treats he knows I love and cannot get in the city we live in. I’d say total maybe he spent $30?? Also I saw - he has some extra treats he’s saving for the holidays (my bad he hid them but I went in his suitcase to help with the unpacking lol). He thought of me. He loves to present me those things with a smile and a flourish - because he knows I will enjoy.

What’s the point of giving a gift with those ridiculous strings attached. I wear my fancy pearls to certain work events. But they’re understated and blend in with what others wear. Not to show off.
 

Please don’t let him justify his trying to control you with “how I was raised”.  I’d resell the watch and give the proceeds to your favorite charity. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I don't think he's a bad person necessarily or even wrong, what's happening is your values don't align.  

He is status conscious, you're not.  

People who are status conscious do better with others who are also status conscious.  Their reasons don't matter. 

No need to vilify him, simply wish him well and part ways, this is never going to work. 

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are mismatched.  You don't need to flaunt whereas your boyfriend is very mentally unstable. 

I agree with you.  It's better to tone it down,  remain modest and conservative at the workplace because showing off anything is distracting,   invites criticism,  judgment and / or gossip. 

As for social media,  my sister posts pics of her affluent lifestyle including her enormous house in a coveted,  exclusive neighborhood,  her expensive travels,  fine dining and obviously everything money can buy.  She wears a gaudy, rock (diamond) which is tacky and an eyesore.   Some people have no qualms nor shame being the narcissists that they are.  It works for them so they continue acting the way they do. 

My sister grew up poor as did I yet we're different.  I've since exited FB altogether and don't feel the need to blast my minutiae to the world.  It's so unnecessary.  Why?  Because I'm secure. 

You need to have a talk with your boyfriend and explain to him that while you appreciate his gifts,  you don't feel the need to show everyone what you have.  I like nice things, too but I practice discretion regarding who my audience is. 

There are a lot of successful,  prosperous people whether they grew up poor or fortunate.  I know several affluent people in my midst yet they're quiet and under the radar.  Sure,  they live extremely well (expensive house / cars / vacations / tasteful jewelry / clothes,  no crazy debts, etc),  successful more than you can ever imagine,  however,  they're modest and humble in attitude and behavior which impresses me immensely.  They're self confident and secure without the flash.  Their focus is kindness towards people,  modesty,  humility,  being considerate of other people's feelings,  helping the disadvantaged and do what truly matters in this life.

If you and your boyfriend cannot and will not find common ground,  then perhaps he's not for you long term.  I agree with others.  Your values are vastly different which no amount of love can cure.

[Andrina]

Another poster mentioned he's controlling. This reminded me of my first serious, two year relationship as a teen. My bf wanted to buy me a fur stole. That wasn't my style, and I told him I absolutely didn't want to wear fur, especially being an animal lover and I have certain rules about what animal parts I'll use for what I wear and what I eat. He had the same goal as your bf, which I thought was ridiculous and annoying. I also used to have a boss who bragged about all his possessions. Nobody could stand him.

If you enjoy his company and character traits and personality 95 percent of the time, then communicate one more time about the issue when you're both calm. I'd say something like: "Let's agree we'll never agree about showing off possessions versus otherwise, so there is no reason the subject should come up because it's not good for our relationship to have this recurring argument. I don't want to be told when to wear anything, to post things on social media, and I don't need an audience to applaud my possessions. If that's a requirement for you to be happy in life, please let me know because that means we're incompatible."

This will let him know the seriousness of the matter and that you're not going to be a doormat about it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

Is this the only major conflict between the two of you, or is it a distraction from any larger issues? Such as, does he tend to be jealous, controlling, combative or isolating?

 If no other issues exist, then I’d view BF as doing something called ‘mate guarding’. This is typical of most people to some degree if they value their partner.

BF wants you to display his success to your colleagues as a signal to anyone who might have any romantic or sexual ideas about you. At the same time, he lacks an understanding of your professional reasons for not wanting to show off and attract that kind of attention to yourself—along with the negative perceptions that your superiors may view as a lack of social judgment.

So I would suggest an approach that highlights your appreciation for his generosity and his position on the mate guarding front. I’d then ask him to put those issues aside for just long enough to hear you out on your professional reasons for not wanting to attract the kind of attention that would undermine your hard work and responsible judgment for its own sake.

If BF remains unwilling to consider your position on this, then that will tell you something important about your compatibility.

[Capricorn3]

14 hours ago, Sammm21 said:

Few years ago, my boyfriend gave me a luxury watch for my birthday. I did wear it out and about but now he wants me to wear it purposely to my workplace just to “show it off” to my colleagues. I told him that I can’t as it would seem like an unsuitable place to wear it.

Define "luxury".  Is it studded with diamonds and more appropriate to wear in the evenings when going to fancy show or opera?  In what way is it not suitable to wear to work? (Trying to understand).