Is she Interested or not Interested?

[RN4L_1969]

I just met someone online several days ago. Her initial contact message was she wanted to get to know me, (which is great and why we exchanged numbers), but I have some questions and need some advice:

• So I've noticed that I typically initiate the conversations over text, BUT, she always does respond
• With that, her responses are literally 1-2 words...maybe a sentence here and there
• I've been sending texts throughout the week with the typical "getting to know you" texts, but I don't get the same in return?
  • For example, if I ask, "What's your favorite Holiday?" or "What was your favorite vacation?" - she answers the question, but she doesn't ask me the same question...
• So I asked some "expectation" questions such as:
  • Are you ok with a long term relationship? - she said yes
  • Are you liking our vibe so far in getting to know each other? - she said yes
  • She asked me if I was interested in getting to know her? - I said yes
• So I guess I'm confused...lol - I know she's busy and has long days so I'm taking that into consideration...but...??

And some background:

• We're both around the same age
• We've both been married/divorced
• We both have kids that are grown
• We both know what we look like...she even gave me a compliment, as I did as well...

Any help is greatly appreciated!

 

[boltnrun]

When are you going to meet her in person?

[RN4L_1969]

@boltnrun Ha...nice screen name...

Good question. We're pretty far from each other, (about 3-4hrs by plane). I would think she would want to meet eventually, but it's too soon to tell IMO.

[boltnrun]

Why are you purposely interacting with someone who lives so far away? 

I would imagine there must be a lot of lovely single ladies much closer who would love to meet a guy like you. Why tie yourself to electronic devices when you could be interacting in person with an attractive, smart and fun lady? Don't you want to hug, hold hands, share food, have her tap you on your leg or your shoulder, kiss, cuddle? I can't imagine typing onto a tiny screen or a laptop keyboard is more enjoyable than those things. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I just met someone online several days ago. We're pretty far from each other, about 3-4hrs by plane

What type of app did you start talking on? Who contacted first?  Please be aware that someone contacting you from a distance, so that meeting in a timely manner is difficult/ impossible is generally a red flag  for a scammer, catfish, someone in a relationship or just a timewaster.

Please do not give out any personal information.  Scammers gather information, try to develop rapport and once you're hooked, they come up with reasons they can't meet and need money etc. Please read up on romance scams:

https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-romance-scams

[Andrina]

If you haven't set some rules for yourself in OLD, it's better late than never. I know I did back when I was single and on OLD. I chose not to date anyone who lived more than an hour away. It's a lot cheaper. It's much quicker to vette people.

I had to go on dates with about 30 guys over a period of two and a half years before I found a keeper. If I had to do all that vetting with 30 long distance guys, I'd have spent thousands and more to meet them, and taking 30 times longer to get through that list. What a huge waste of precious time.

People who reach out from far away either have secrets or they're so emotionally messed up, their local prospects have all dried up, or they can't handle the reality of what a local relationship entails.

Only twice did I give in to guys who lived one and a half hours away. Both were disastrous experiences. Good to learn from others experiences. I say to block her and stick to local dating. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Not

[Batya33]

She might be interested in being an online chat buddy like you or in dating online like you -she is most likely not that interested in dating you and neither are you - or you would have already talked on the phone to see if there was any realistic way of meeting in person soon -and if upon meeting there was interest - how that would work logistically.

[Kwothe28]

Interested in your attention and keeping you there? Yes.

Interested in seriously dating you? No.

[NighttimeNightmare]

No flow or chemistry, just boring canned questions. She’s seems disengaged, as most people would be.

[RN4L_1969]

Thank you all for the feedback! This is good advice...and will definitely take. Here are my thoughts to each of you, (don't know why there isn't a reply to a specific person, but maybe I just don't know it, ha)

@boltnrunThank you for the encouragement. And believe me, I totally agree that I want that type of relationship that's not over a screen. And I have had that before, even recently for 8 months, (and we also met online, (different site though)), but it didn't work out...and I gave my heart to her, (I know, 8 months?; but it was for real), and she gave me her heart. I'm still broken, but I am moving on. I guess with me being in IT for so long I'm used to doing everything over a computer. I'm also an introvert...until I get to know you, heh. 

@Wiseman2Yes, agree, and aware of the scams! I guess this was the 1st one that I decided to engage with that was long distance. And of course the flags didn't disappoint...there were there, but kind of. Like she hardly knows anything about me, I never give out personal info, and I was always the one to initiate conversation. That gets old after a while. I was waiting for the ask for an airfare ticket or something they always come up with...but nothing. Maybe it's too soon. Who cares, honestly I'm wasting my time here and it's frustrating. The OLD world is cruel and extremely disappointing. I'm just glad I'm computer savvy to not allow anyone to get close to me, (unless I let them).

@AndrinaGreat feedback, thank you! As I mentioned above, I typically do have my own rules about OLD, and have kept to them and it's worked...for the most part. I decided on this one who is half way across the country and it's just been a waste, to which I will block and move on today. It seems like women get a lot more responses then us guys do when they're looking though! I was just talking to my x-wife yesterday, (we are very good friends), and she's on a dating site and gets plenty of emails to pick through every day. I'm lucky to get one LOL. I usually have to reach out and pray my email gets opened. I just checked yesterday and I had sent about 7 different emails about a week ago, to which none hasn't even been open yet 😞 But I keep trying and I have had some very positive relationships over the past 4-5 years. I want to go into that more in detail since I need some advice. It'll be on a different thread, but I would appreciate the feedback there as well! Also, congrats on finally finding the "one" 🙂

@Batya33I agree, although I do like to give it a little time before I talk on the phone with someone, like 1-2 weeks. I do that to see if they are truly interested and are engaged in getting to know me and wanting to move forward. Like this one here that I'm about to block...it was like talking to a bump on a log, although she would say once in a while that she wanted to get to know me and enjoyed out convo. I'm like, huh?? If you were to look at our thread you would see it's totally one-sided, lol. 

@Kwothe28Absolutely agree, short and simple but true. And this is probably the most irritating part about OLD. They "keep you there" even if it's not to scam...but just purely to have attention and texts come in. Honestly I'd rather them ask for money and show they're a scam right up front and make it a lot easier to dump and run LOL.

@NighttimeNightmareCompletely agree...I was just trying to make conversation, start a discussion, get something going back and forth. But it was like talking to a wall...

So I am blocking and moving on, but here's a little background, and I hope you hang in there to help me, since this is where I could really use some insight.

I do want to find a relationship and I do want to seriously date, over these last 4-5 years I've actually went down the SD/SB path and it's been successful. It's typical, it is what it is. But I do have rules, (as you mentioned @Andrina that I definitely have stuck to such as:

• Text/email for a week or so to make sure there's attention both ways
• Meet up for a casual date and set expectations
• If all good, away we go, and it's been a blast! These types of relationships have been very successful for me...but I definitely do my homework and due diligence
• They never know any of my personal info: cell, email, SSN, (LOL), etc...but there definitely is a level of trust and respect

So why try and date you ask? Well, I want something with a little more substance. Someone that I can love and really share my life with...If I find that person than those other relationships go bye bye, but in the meantime they keep me looking forward to our get togethers. Like I mentioned I did have a gf last year where we dated for 8 months and it was amazing...but when the honeymoon phase faded and reality set in, I guess it wasn't ultimately what she wanted, nit even a second chance. It wasn't a bad break, but I learned quickly that she was one that enjoyed the spoiling, attention and high living life, but when life happened, she was out. I'm still quite hurt, but I am over her; this is why I'm so hesitant to back out there again and just stick to my current SB relationships. I never have to encounter any drama, games, scams, demands, and so forth...

I'll post in more detail in the Age-Gap thread about one in particular that I'm falling for and I don't know what to do, I'm going to title it: "I'm falling for my SB but I'm not sure if she feels the same"...

I'll see you there and thank you again for the advice on this one 🙂

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

e, although I do like to give it a little time before I talk on the phone with someone, like 1-2 weeks. I do that to see if they are truly interested and are engaged in getting to know me and wanting to move forward. Like this one here that I'm about to block...it was like talking to a bump on a log, although she would say once in a while that she wanted to get to know me and enjoyed out convo. I'm like, huh?? If you were to look at our thread you would see it's totally one-sided, lol. 

What do they need to be interested in -meeting you in person for 45 minutes to see if you should go on an actual date? I don't think typing and talking to a stranger for all safety and romantic purposes will give you relevant information. And it will encourage those who want to waste your  time as penpals/sexting pals or "dating online."  I met over 100 men in person - I knew they were interested and engaged in dating me when after we met in person they asked me out on a real date planned in advance.

My husband had an online profile for awhile -we did not meet that way.  Several of my friends met their partners and spouses on line and have many kids between them at this point.  I don't know of any who typed and talked at any length prior to meeting in person.

[lostandhurt]

You seemed to know the answer to your question before you asked it here.  Trust your gut.

 Your rules or guidelines are kind of rigid as each person or interaction is different.  Be open to anything that gets you the information you need to know if you should continue talking or cut them loose.

 Text a little and then ask when a good time to talk on the phone would be.  If they balk at talking voice to voice then that is not a good sign because if they won't  do that meeting sooner than later is not going to happen.  Some people are shy or very cautious but talking on the phone is pretty safe and if they cannot muster that then maybe they shouldn't be dating yet.

 Date closer to home, continue to ask questions about them and speak on the phone so you can decide if you should meet in person.  Keep it simple and quick so you don't get drawn into these prolonged time waster scenarios.

Lost

[catfeeder]

On 10/13/2023 at 4:42 PM, RN4L_1969 said:

We're pretty far from each other, (about 3-4hrs by plane)

Sorry, this is a time waster.

If you just want a pen pal, find a better one--she's not into messaging.

If you want to find someone to actually date, keep to a local radius. Long distance is an expensive fantasy that rarely works out. It prevents you from focusing on realistic dating.

If you want to pursue dating, use dating apps to screen people, but don't get into regular messaging. Use the phone for short calls to screen further and set up quick meets over coffee with different women on your way home from work. Agree to keep it short, under a half hour. Neither should ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, no response is necessary. This avoids squirmy rejection stuff.

If you ever get stood up, you can just take your coffee with you and nothing is lost. Look forward to the meeting another woman the next night or week.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

"I'm falling for my SB but I'm not sure if she feels the same"...

You mean sugar baby? Have you ever read up on the psychological profiles that seem to be present in the sugarbabies, as well as their providers?  It’s nothing good, or nice, or romantic, etc 

she’s a prostitute and you’re paying for her company.  This is like falling for the escort you hire on your business trip.  And the people involved in these couplings are almost always deeply wounded, and if not deeply wounded, they simply don’t value intimacy and prefer to live transactionally.  Why do you want a relationship with someone like that?  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I was just talking to my x-wife yesterday, (we are very good friends), I do want to find a relationship and I do want to seriously date, over these last 4-5 years I've actually went down the SD/SB path 

It's good you blocked this go nowhere distance situation. A sugar baby is not a "relationship", it's an arrangement where you provide material goods and cash in exchange for affection and attention. 

However you seem to be interested in dating much younger women, but perhaps you can find an actual relationship rather than an arrangement. 

[boltnrun]

My brother was also frantic to find a replacement after he and his wife separated. He jumped into a new relationship with someone who was, in summary, a very bad choice. Fortunately that relationship ended. Then he married his second wife which also ended in divorce. And this divorce was a terrible ordeal. Of course he immediately started dating again, before he'd even filed for divorce from wife #2. I'm concerned that with him being so anxious to find a woman he'll make another bad choice. 

What's the big hurry? Maybe instead of trying so hard to date, just spend time with your kids and enjoy the single life for a while.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

You mean sugar baby? Have you ever read up on the psychological profiles that seem to be present in the sugarbabies, as well as their providers?  It’s nothing good, or nice, or romantic, etc 

she’s a prostitute and you’re paying for her company.  This is like falling for the escort you hire on your business trip.  And the people involved in these couplings are almost always deeply wounded, and if not deeply wounded, they simply don’t value intimacy and prefer to live transactionally.  Why do you want a relationship with someone like that?  

Yeah, and why throw a plane trip into that kind of mix when there are plenty of prostitutes for hire anywhere?

EDIT: I just read your responses to others, OP, and the above doesn’t sound like what you want, so sorry for my premature response.

NOTE: When you want to respond to individual comments on this thread, click the word ‘Quote’ on the left below the person’s comment. Then place your cursor below the blue area of quoted text to reply outside of their quote. You can also edit down the quote to pinpoint exactly the comment you want to address.

[Jaunty]

This exchange definitely didn't look like it was going anywhere.  But if you're seriously interested in dating, I believe you should not be pursuing a SB/SD situation simultaneously.   I think that the majority of women who are actively looking for a relationship would dump you when they found out you were doing this at the same time.  You would not be a viable relationship prospect. 

Pick one or the other.

[catfeeder]

38 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This exchange definitely didn't look like it was going anywhere.  But if you're seriously interested in dating, I believe you should not be pursuing a SB/SD situation simultaneously.   I think that the majority of women who are actively looking for a relationship would dump you when they found out you were doing this at the same time.  You would not be a viable relationship prospect. 

Pick one or the other.

Oh dear, there’s the SB thing popping up again, I guess I just can’t read today.

OP, the whole job of an SB is to get the SD to fall for her. It’s her desired outcome so you’ll turn stupid and freely give her whatever she wants. So she’ll do or say whatever it takes to get you there, and I hope you’ll view it through that lens before you become a casualty.

And @Jaunty is right. Any self respecting woman who learns that you engaged this kind of arrangement is likely to dump you without even listening to you man-splain it, so decide whether a long term committed relationship with a sincere woman is worth forgoing a fantasy ride to getting ripped off.

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I was just talking to my x-wife yesterday, (we are very good friends), and she's on a dating site and gets plenty of emails to pick through every day

This activity will make the pool of women willing to date you smaller, just so you're aware. I wouldn't have dated my husband if he'd been in regular contact with his ex for chats that didn't pertain to their shared child.

[boltnrun]

36 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This activity will make the pool of women willing to date you smaller, just so you're aware. I wouldn't have dated my husband if he'd been in regular contact with his ex for chats that didn't pertain to their shared child.

Not to mention the "sugar baby" situation.

[Deadtoyouforever74]

Sounds like a perfect match!

[RN4L_1969]

Thank you for all the feedback. Let me make some clarifications and bring some thoughts into this.

• Ideally, I am searching for and would like to date someone that could lead to a serious relationship. Now with that being said, if I was to find and date someone, then I would not be seeing my SB at all. I did this when I was dating my gf at the time last year, (for 8mo). When I'm with someone, I'm loyal to them. But in the meantime, I don't think anything of it when I'm meeting up with my SB...as long as I'm not in a committed relationship. And as far as my SB relationship, from the research I just did, thanks to the spurring of @NighttimeNightmare, I consider our situation the exception. I'm not getting "ripped off", and we've had a wonderful 4 years so far...it's rare, but it's out there.

• As far as talking to my Xs, (yes plural), I don't see anything wrong with that as long as the following rules are understood, (as it goes both ways):
  • I only text my Xs once in a blue moon to catch up on life, wish them a Happy Bday or a Merry Christmas...that's it. We don't meet up and we don't talk on a regular basis. I am friends with them. If someone wants me to end those relationships, as plutonic as they are, then there are bigger issues to tend with such as insecurity and trust. And I will always divulge that I do stay in touch with them since they are friends of mine, and I've known them for years. Like I said, I would need to be the same way if it was the other way around which I have no problem with. If there is any "foul play" or "inappropriate communication"; it would easily get found out since they would already know about them...and vice versa.

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I consider our situation the exception.

Of course you do

 

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I'm not getting "ripped off",

Oh, I didn’t believe you were. I trust you pay for, and are happy with, the services provided.