Does married man like me?

[Mia8xxx]

I recently reconnected with a high school friend after many years. I reached out to him as I wanted to apologise for a past mistake. It had been 15 years since we last saw each other. I know that he had an intense crush on me when we were at school. He is now married and we have met up several times. We have never crossed the line and I respect his relationship with his wife. However, I am aware that we do go out and have fun and drink, just the two of us. I am unsure as to whether he wants something more. He has never made a pass at me but he is always keen to meet up again. I have only ever seen him as a friend and I have never had any physical or romantic attraction to him. I don't want to lead him on by spending time with him. However, I would like to keep him as I friend. 

What do you think his true intentions are?

And do you think I need to put some distance between us or stop seeing him?

[Seraphim]

If you are wondering if he likes you , you are indeed not seeing him as “ just a friend”. You know the answer to wether you should be out drinking with him alone. The answer is , NO. 

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, Mia8xxx said:

and do you think I need to put some distance between us or stop seeing him?

^ This, and only this.  You say you don't want to lead him on and you respect his relationship with his wife?  Well then, you know the answer to this. You know exactly what is right and what is wrong.

Want him as a friend?  Next time you go drinking with him, make sure to invite his WIFE.

[boltnrun]

Why isn't his wife invited to these so-called "friendly" drinking sessions?

[Starlight925]

My hunch is, you’re using him to feel good about yourself.  His attention feeds your ego. 
You used an excuse of a 15-year issue to “apologize” so you could see if you could hook him. 
Congrats.  It worked.  You’re interfering in a marriage.   Feel better?

[lostandhurt]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

You used an excuse of a 15-year issue to “apologize” so you could see if you could hook him.

Exactly!!!

Everything you wrote was BS.  You knew he had a crush on you back in the day, you saw his FB page and thought "I wonder if he still wants me" so you all of a sudden needed to fix a mistake.

  If you want to be his side chick then keep going down the path you are on but please stop with all the "I respect his marriage" BS because you clearly do not.

 If you really want to be his friend then disappear and never contact him again.

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

I respect his relationship with his wife

Girl, please. No you don't. 

You wouldn't be meeting up with her husband alone for drinks if you had any respect for his marriage. Knock that off, and get real with yourself. 

What mistake could you possibly have needed to apologize for after all these years? It sounds to me like you invented an excuse for yourself to test the water with him. Are you lonely? Unlucky in love? There must be a reason you reached this far into the past for a man's attention. 

[Capricorn3]

I seem to vaguely recall you had more or less the same scenario before, but the guy already had a girlfriend.  You seem to make a habit of going for taken men.  Find your own boyfriend - preferably a single guy.

[Kwothe28]

Do you have a habit of contacting men from your past and seeking attention? You did it with your ex date who had a girlfriend and you are doing it now with some married man who you putted in friendzone before. Is it because they have somebody now? Does that make you want their attention more?

In any case, its weird. You cant have him as friend when he has an attraction for you. And you should really find somebody else that isnt a married man to give you attention you seek.

[Andrina]

Turn the tables. How would you feel if you were dating a guy and a woman he once had a crush on him invited him for drinks? Would you say, "Oh, that's sweet. I hope they establish a beautiful friendship."

When people aren't happy in the present, they look to the past to try to find happiness. He was someone who could feed your ego and need for attention since he once did, so you sought this regardless that it could greatly impact the happiness of his marriage.

That is something major that you're messing with, and you haven't had the foresight to predict what you could be doing to these people? 

Not nice. Unethical. I feel sorry for the poor people left to clean up the mess after you bring in your wrecking ball.

There are single people in your area you can form friendships or romances with. Go do that. Join some Meetup.com groups. Tell this guy you made a mistake in contacting him and then block his number for his own good and the sanctity of his marriage. It's not all about your wants. Mature, healthy people know how to erect boundaries and avoid certain situation.

[smackie9]

He's having an inappropriate friendship with you which is called an emotional affair. And if you actually did respect his wife, you wouldn't be hanging out with him one on one mackin on each other emotionally. yes you two are stepping over the line. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

He has never made a pass at me but he is always keen to meet up again. I have only ever seen him as a friend and I have never had any physical or romantic attraction to him.

I think you need to look elsewhere for the ego validation you seek, namely within yourself.  

Once you achieve internal validation there will be no need to go seeking it from married men, men with girlfriends and/or men you have no attraction to.

[HeartGoesOn]

You know exactly what you're doing, and of course the only person you're fooling is yourself.

In short, this will one day come back to haunt you, therefore it's high time to look from within and find a solution.

[Mia8xxx]

Thank you for the responses. But to clarify I have never sought ego validation or attention from him. I reached out to him to apologise for treating him unkindly when we were younger. Those who are saying I went after him to feel better about myself couldn't be more wrong. I have only ever wanted to be friends and when I am with him, I behave like that....just friends. I am worried about over stepping the mark in terms of time I spend with him not my behaviour, as I know he is married. However, it feels like I have been painted as some unconscionable homewrecker lol. I guess your answers were a depressing reminder about how women are often blamed and vilified in these scenarios even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

, I am aware that we do go out and have fun and drink, just the two of us.  I would like to keep him as I friend. What do you think his true intentions are?

You seem to be going on dates. Does he know you just want to be friends? 

[Starlight925]

38 minutes ago, Mia8xxx said:

 even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

No one is commenting about the guy because the guy isn't here posting.  You are.

You could write ten more paragraphs, and blah blah blah, I still think you're an underhanded, insecure girl who needs her ego fed.  

If you want my interpretation of his motivations, he's insecure and needs his ego fed.  So you are perfect for each other.

Sorry, not sorry.

[Seraphim]

40 minutes ago, Mia8xxx said:

Thank you for the responses. But to clarify I have never sought ego validation or attention from him. I reached out to him to apologise for treating him unkindly when we were younger. Those who are saying I went after him to feel better about myself couldn't be more wrong. I have only ever wanted to be friends and when I am with him, I behave like that....just friends. I am worried about over stepping the mark in terms of time I spend with him not my behaviour, as I know he is married. However, it feels like I have been painted as some unconscionable homewrecker lol. I guess your answers were a depressing reminder about how women are often blamed and vilified in these scenarios even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

He isn’t posting here or I would tell him the same. You already stepped over the line going out without his wife. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You have been out numerous times alone with a married man to have drinks......what do you think he wants.....come on 

[Capricorn3]

You are BOTH crossing the line, and you BOTH know it.  If this was only about being "friends", he should/would invite his wife to join you.  You are BOTH in the wrong here.  Time to pull the plug on this one.  You have no place there.  You need to back off and stay off .... the big question is, will you?

Also, if he was posting this, I would have told him the same thing. He's enjoying having his ego fed and he knows he's crossing the line too.

[boltnrun]

On 10/5/2023 at 8:04 PM, boltnrun said:

Why isn't his wife invited to these so-called "friendly" drinking sessions?

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

I guess your answers were a depressing reminder about how women are often blamed and vilified in these scenarios even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

No that's not it.  If HE were here posting, we'd be saying same to him.

I think the disconnect here is the title you chose -- "Does Married Man Like Me"?

Read that as an objective observer, what would your take be on that?

It reads like you're a woman seeking reassurance from others that he's into you, more than a friend. 

Which only a woman who was really into him would be asking.

If that's not true, then perhaps you should request a title change?

Just a thought. 😃

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

I guess your answers were a depressing reminder about how women are often blamed and vilified in these scenarios

Please. You are not a victim. But that comment right there reveals a lot about why you are in this position to begin with - you blame-shift and lack accountability. 

The man isn't the one posting here. You are. And your behaviour is not classy, so yes, you are going to be called out for it. Time to woman up and look at your own choices. Don't stomp your feet when you are called to task for being shady.

I am sure there are plenty of single men you can go out with instead, aren't there? Have you not had much luck there? 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

I reached out to him to apologise for treating him unkindly when we were younger.

Even if we accept that you did it for unselfish reasons, did you really think he wont come after you? And what did you think it would happen by accepting to meet up several times alone? With the man who had a crush on you. Without his wife as others noticed.

I would say the same to him if he was here. And that he should never go after you because he is at least emotionally cheating. But in this case you are the OP and you came after him by reaching out. He didnt reach out to you. So you should at least take your side of accountability for that.

You can make excuses for yourself how "you just wanted friendship and he now maybe mistakes it for something else". Which is maybe true in your head and you maybe did it subconciously. But your actions show differently.

For example: Why reach out in the first place? What was so awful that you did in high school that it warranted you reaching out and apologizing? And again, what did you think this will create when you did know he had a crush on you and why you even accepted to meet up with somebody married alone quite a few times?

You can play the victim as much as you want here. But once you would have to take accountability for your own actions. Which, even if we believe your motivation, arent that great.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Mia8xxx said:

Thank you for the responses. But to clarify I have never sought ego validation or attention from him. I reached out to him to apologise for treating him unkindly when we were younger. Those who are saying I went after him to feel better about myself couldn't be more wrong. I have only ever wanted to be friends and when I am with him, I behave like that....just friends. I am worried about over stepping the mark in terms of time I spend with him not my behaviour, as I know he is married. However, it feels like I have been painted as some unconscionable homewrecker lol. I guess your answers were a depressing reminder about how women are often blamed and vilified in these scenarios even though no-one has commented about the actions and motivations of the guy. 

People who pretend to be friends with one spouse and don't either seek to include the other spouse or inquire to make sure the budding friendship is ok with the other spouse are on a home wrecker path for sure. Gender is irrelevant.  He of course has far more responsibility as he is the married person.  Maybe his wife gets turned on by him playing with fire a bit -who knows - it's their business.  But make it your business to do the right thing and check in on whether this is ok with the spouse.  

I'm married and met a married dad at a local museum playroom several years ago -he was there with his mom and son.  His wife was home and not feeling well.

We have tons in common and I also have a lot in common with his mom (I am an older mom)  But I made it my business after that day (he gave me his linkedin contact info) to find the wife on Facebook, contact her, tell her I'd met her family at the museum and we'd talked about arranging a playdate with our sons.  I did not contact him.  And when I saw him again I focused on her even though if we were all single I'd definitely have focused on him because we have much more in common.  There was never even a whiff of flirting or line crossing by anyone but I made sure from the very beginning if that ever happened it wouldn't be because of anything I did or did not do.  

I suggest you conduct yourself in similar ways to avoid any appearance of playing with fire or being a person who doesn't respect someone else's marriage.

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You have been out numerous times alone with a married man to have drinks......what do you think he wants.....come on 

Right.  He's male, you do know what males fancy most, right?

And you asked.... if this married man likes you.  Take a guess.

Anyways, one meet up should have been enough.  Not numerous w/out his wife.

Fine if you want to be friends.  make sure this is understood by him and healthy boundaries are set.  Then no expectations.  In time, you'll see IF he had different intentions w/ you 😉 .