Terms of endearment in the workplace!!

[Snowed23]

I am an at home patient services representative for a major medical company and we have Microsoft Teams to communicate with other co-workers.  I deal with patients and doctor's offices all the time.  When I answer the phone I clearly give my name and I ask for the caller's name so I can address them correctly.  You can't imagine the number of times I'm called sweetie, honey, or sugar by patients or even the staff from a doctor's office.  When I hear it I politely give my name again.  Some don't mind getting corrected while others take offense to you for being corrected on my name.  If you work in an office and see regular customers / patients face to face then calling them sweetie or honey may, "may" be fine if they don't object.  But when you call another business there needs to be some level of phone etiquette, in my mind. 

 

Case in point, one woman (patient) I was speaking with kept calling me sweetie and honey during the call and when I corrected her on it she apologized and said, "I'm sorry, I call my kids those names."  When did I, the person you are on the phone with conducting business, all of a sudden become one of your kids?  

 

Another case.  A woman (patient) kept calling me sweetie or something and then when I corrected her on my name this was her reply.  "Oh, I'm sorry.  Can I call you ***?"  

 

This morning I had this interaction with a co-worker, again a co-worker who I haven't spoken to since March of this year.  

 

Her:  Morning dear, your missing information came in for case #. . . .

 

Me:  (Insert name), not dear.  And thanks.

 

Her:  Oh, sorry, I am an older woman and I use this term.  Sorry will not with you anymore. . no problem

 

Me:  No problem, I'm not too offended but some things are not workplace appropriate

 

Her:  Let it go . . I'm good and you are too . . .I got it

 

Again, this is a co-worker who I do not know on any level.  The last time we exchanged any messages was back in March.  I even looked up her Facebook account and she doesn't appear to be much older than me if she is at all.  It's not like she's in her 60s or 70s.  If I was in a roadside diner or some dive bar maybe getting called sweetie or dear wouldn't seem so offensive but this is a co-worker in a professional office setting and those chats are saved to the company server.  Say this was a male co-worker going around callng his female co-workers sweetie, honey, or dear.  I assure you he'd be called into HR so fast.  But since we're work from home and not face to face should those rules get relaxed?  

 

Am I making too much of this or did she go a little overboard on her reply?  How do you handle a co-worker calling you something other than your name?  And I look at it this way, she typed this so she clearly could have just as easily typed my name or even left that part out.  She chose to say "morning dear".

 

I've never called my insurance company, power company, doctor's office, credit card company, or what have you and called the person I was speaking to dear, sweetie, or honey.  It's a respect thing.  If I don't remember their name I call them sir or ma'am.  Even if I can tell they are younger than me.  I still give them that courtesy.  

 

 

[smackie9]

I totally get it, but you can only do what you can do, and if they keep doing it you are just going to have to let it go or find a different way to use your skills. You can't control every situation...roll with it. 

 

 

[Coily]

This is making a mountain out of an ant hill.

It's in large part a cultural thing, I can't tell you the number of times I have been called dear, sweetie, or some other polite term for "I don't know your name, but I'm being polite" by women of all ages. It's not a term of endearment it's a polite place holder.  It's stereo-typically from the Southern US, but I have encountered it from Maine to Montana, Georgia to Minnesota. It is usually from women who want to be kind and thoughtful in a disarming manner. Heck, I had a senior VP in a large national Bank call me sweetie, she was from one of the Carolinas, we were discussing access to a secured area of a bank for a project.

Now I personally never use first names in business, just a last name; occasionally Mr/Mrs/Miss if they are more senior to my position. Then again I don't get bothered by just getting called "Hey you" in a host of business settings.

Short of someone calling you "Hey hot stuff" this is just inoffensive placeholder conversation. I'd let it go.

[itsallgrand]

It's annoying, I get it. I don't think it's something you can realistically control though so I wouldn't worry too much or the other. 

I noticed there are certain women that relate to work as though they are mama . I have even had more than one female boss call us working under them " my girls" " kiddos". And they treated us like children she was mammaing lol. It's wildly unprofessional imo but it exists. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t be so confrontational and I wouldn’t like it either. Don’t bother correcting unless this is a person you’re going to work with regularly.  At my son’s pediatrician office I’m often addressed as “Mom” by the nurses etc. it’s fine! I’m not their mom. I also don’t need Mrs. (My last name ).  I go with the person’s intent. If the demeanor is pleasant then whatever.  I never use those terms though.

When I met my son’s bus driver a month ago she introduced herself with her first name. I address her if I need to address her as Miss(her first name). I smile and wave and I am pleasant from a safe distance so as not to embarrass my son. If she called me honey or mom I’d be totally fine with it - she’s driving my kid around. Bless her. 
You’re technically right but I’d let it go. It prolongs the convo and comes across as didactic even if you don’t mean to. 
 

[catfeeder]

I’d consider it a minor annoyance and not something I’d work myself up over. I’d keep my focus on resolving the issue being discussed without interrupting to address my personal preference. I’d consider that as equally rude to the original offense and not worth the friction.

[Kwothe28]

45 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

Say this was a male co-worker going around callng his female co-workers sweetie, honey, or dear.  I assure you he'd be called into HR so fast. 

Yeah but, you know, rules for men are different. Also, and I dont know why some people neglect this, you are a woman called "sweetie" by another woman. Context of that is very different as, except in rare cases, there is no pretext of workplace sexual harassment. Because by definition, its not sexual at all. Another woman calling you "sweetie" is not a case for HR. You are maybe "triggered" by it. But your minor inconvinience is not a violation. Its just some older woman calling you "sweetie" by the voice. Lots of them dont really catch names and go by broader terms like that. Not because they want to "trigger" you but because simply, they dont bother to remember your name or just simply dont catch it up.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Snowed23 said:

 Me:  No problem, I'm not too offended but some things are not workplace appropriate

Her:  Let it go . . I'm good and you are too . . .I got it.

Unfortunately it's pretty common. Keep in mind the calls are monitored and clients can also give feedback, so making a big tado over it on company time isn't the best choice.  Please don't take out an off day or bad mood on customers. Even if they are too casual, try to remain professional.

[Snowed23]

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I totally get it, but you can only do what you can do, and if they keep doing it you are just going to have to let it go or find a different way to use your skills. You can't control every situation...roll with it. 

 

 

I was just talking to my sister and telling her the situation and I look at it like this.  If you are face to face with someone and they are talking and say these words that's just how they "talk".  Maybe I can overlook that.  But when you type something you choose to type dear, sweetie, or honey.  My brother-in-law is a curser and I just think he's talking so much until he probably doesn't realize he's cursed.  However, I've never gotten a text from him using profamily.  

[Snowed23]

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

This is making a mountain out of an ant hill.

It's in large part a cultural thing, I can't tell you the number of times I have been called dear, sweetie, or some other polite term for "I don't know your name, but I'm being polite" by women of all ages. It's not a term of endearment it's a polite place holder.  It's stereo-typically from the Southern US, but I have encountered it from Maine to Montana, Georgia to Minnesota. It is usually from women who want to be kind and thoughtful in a disarming manner. Heck, I had a senior VP in a large national Bank call me sweetie, she was from one of the Carolinas, we were discussing access to a secured area of a bank for a project.

Now I personally never use first names in business, just a last name; occasionally Mr/Mrs/Miss if they are more senior to my position. Then again I don't get bothered by just getting called "Hey you" in a host of business settings.

Short of someone calling you "Hey hot stuff" this is just inoffensive placeholder conversation. I'd let it go.

I get what you're saying.  A polite place holder could as well be ma'am or sir.  Sweetie, honey, or dear come across as condescending like I'm more important than you.  If you don't remember someone's name there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"  A male co-worker placing his hands on a female's shoulder could be misconstrued as sexual harassment or unwanted touching.  But why should someone just overlook being called a term of endearment?

[Snowed23]

57 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

It's annoying, I get it. I don't think it's something you can realistically control though so I wouldn't worry too much or the other. 

I noticed there are certain women that relate to work as though they are mama . I have even had more than one female boss call us working under them " my girls" " kiddos". And they treated us like children she was mammaing lol. It's wildly unprofessional imo but it exists. 

On the contrary, it can be controlled.  If you don't let someone know how they are treating you or talking to you in inappropriate then they will continue to do it.  Those people get pulled over by the cops I promise you they will not call them sweetie or honey.  It'll be year sir or no sir.  Or yes ma'am or no ma'am.  Go to church and I'm sure they do not call their pastor by name.  It's reverend, pastor, priest, rabi, or bishop.  They go to the doctor and I assure they it'll be Dr, this or Dr. that.  Go to court and call the judge by his or her name instead of your honor and see what happens.  Yes, these people have titles but unless you direct someone on how to address you then they will think it's perfectly fine to address you however they want to.  

[lostandhurt]

 I think there are way more important things in life and in this world to be bothered by than being called sweetie or honey by a stranger.

  There is nothing disrespectful about what they are doing because they are not doing it with ill intent, it is just how they speak.  Is it ideal?  Perhaps not but is it worth getting all worked up over?  Not in my world.

 I actually like it when older ladies call me sweetie or honey.  To me it shows a caring personality.  Now if they were calling you derogatory names and personally setting out to insult you that would be totally different.

There is a path past this but you will not find it until you discover why this bothers you so much.  Sometimes it is something you cannot control that is really bugging you so you focus on something that bugs you that you think you can control to feel better about everything. 

 Reading your other threads could be a clue...

Lost

[Snowed23]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t be so confrontational and I wouldn’t like it either. Don’t bother correcting unless this is a person you’re going to work with regularly.  At my son’s pediatrician office I’m often addressed as “Mom” by the nurses etc. it’s fine! I’m not their mom. I also don’t need Mrs. (My last name ).  I go with the person’s intent. If the demeanor is pleasant then whatever.  I never use those terms though.

When I met my son’s bus driver a month ago she introduced herself with her first name. I address her if I need to address her as Miss(her first name). I smile and wave and I am pleasant from a safe distance so as not to embarrass my son. If she called me honey or mom I’d be totally fine with it - she’s driving my kid around. Bless her. 
You’re technically right but I’d let it go. It prolongs the convo and comes across as didactic even if you don’t mean to. 
 

I don't see a problem with being called "mom" at your child's pediatrician because that's not really a term of endearment.  That's done more so for your child than it is directly at you.  But was I confrontational?  I just said "my name is  . . . not dear."  We are co-workers and she had to click on my name to send me a message so it's not like she didn't know my name.  

Miss (Bus driver) is totally fine with me as well because that shows respect to your child as to how to address their bus driver.  But if your child's bus driver dropped your child off everyday and waved at you and said "hey sweetie" how long would you let that go on?  I just don't think it's wrong to correct someone on your God given name.  Dear is not on my birth certificate and we don't know each other on a personal or even an intimate level.

[Snowed23]

50 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’d consider it a minor annoyance and not something I’d work myself up over. I’d keep my focus on resolving the issue being discussed without interrupting to address my personal preference. I’d consider that as equally rude to the original offense and not worth the friction.

But how long would you just keep overlooking it before you said anything?  You don't address it now and then 6 months down the road when you finally say something you could be looked at as "well, you've never said anything before."

[Coily]

25 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

I get what you're saying.  A polite place holder could as well be ma'am or sir.  Sweetie, honey, or dear come across as condescending like I'm more important than you.  If you don't remember someone's name there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"  A male co-worker placing his hands on a female's shoulder could be misconstrued as sexual harassment or unwanted touching.  But why should someone just overlook being called a term of endearment?

Again culture thing. If you think it's condescending, that's on you. Also not sure why you are conflating  "sweetie" with sexual harassment. Do you think this woman is lusting after you? She gets all excited about wielding power over you by a simple throw away word?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

I just said "my name is  . . . not dear."

Yes, in that context it comes across that way. Confrontational and potentially rude. Also sarcastic.  If she got your name wrong and it mattered - fine - but she knows your name is not dear so you're lecturing her.

[Snowed23]

45 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah but, you know, rules for men are different. Also, and I dont know why some people neglect this, you are a woman called "sweetie" by another woman. Context of that is very different as, except in rare cases, there is no pretext of workplace sexual harassment. Because by definition, its not sexual at all. Another woman calling you "sweetie" is not a case for HR. You are maybe "triggered" by it. But your minor inconvinience is not a violation. Its just some older woman calling you "sweetie" by the voice. Lots of them dont really catch names and go by broader terms like that. Not because they want to "trigger" you but because simply, they dont bother to remember your name or just simply dont catch it up.

So why are the rules be different for men than they are for women?  If a man touches a woman in a non sexual way, say he just puts his hand on her shoulder while looking at her computer screen, that could come across as unwanted touching.  But if the situation was reversed he'd look like a putz if he goes to HR.  If a man called a woman dear and she goes to HR about it he will get called into HR and will probably get a nice talking to if not something put into his employee file.  Why should it be different if a female calls a male dear and he does the exact same thing?  I never said it was anything sexual but I just corrected her by saying my name is not dear.  This si someone I haven't exchanged messages with in months however, she clicked on my "name" to send me a message but still chose to type "dear".  

[Batya33]

Just now, Snowed23 said:

So why are the rules be different for men than they are for women?  If a man touches a woman in a non sexual way, say he just puts his hand on her shoulder while looking at her computer screen, that could come across as unwanted touching.  But if the situation was reversed he'd look like a putz if he goes to HR.  If a man called a woman dear and she goes to HR about it he will get called into HR and will probably get a nice talking to if not something put into his employee file.  Why should it be different if a female calls a male dear and he does the exact same thing?  I never said it was anything sexual but I just corrected her by saying my name is not dear.  This si someone I haven't exchanged messages with in months however, she clicked on my "name" to send me a message but still chose to type "dear".  

No one is saying it is fair.  Everyone is asking do you really want to risk offending people and putting people off for this "offense" as you put it? Here's what I would do -if you feel this strongly channel your energy into volunteering for an organization promoting feminism and or equal treatement of women in the workplace etc.  

[Seraphim]

I think in the scope of life it is minor. There are massive issues in life to overcome , every run of the mill thing can’t be a hill to die on. 

[Snowed23]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No one is saying it is fair.  Everyone is asking do you really want to risk offending people and putting people off for this "offense" as you put it? Here's what I would do -if you feel this strongly channel your energy into volunteering for an organization promoting feminism and or equal treatement of women in the workplace etc.  

Me volunteering to a feminine organization for equal treatment will not correct this woman on calling someone dear or sweetie in an office setting.  Women want equal treatment but balk at being corrected.  Why is that, in your personal opinion.  Equal treatment is fine until it comes to a woman having to do something she either doesn't want to do or something that's typically done by a man.  I'm married and I dare not say to my wife, "you can just as easily take out the trash."  Single women who live alone have to take out their own trash all the time or do they wait on a guy to come by then ask him to do it?  If my wife calls me saying she's had a flat tire and is sitting on the side of the road do I say to her "pull up YouTube on your phone.  There are tons of videos there to show you how to change a tire."  Now I personally know a lot of women who work in repair shops who can tear down a transmission with a paperclip and a bottle of rubbing alcohol, being funny here but I hope you get my point.  We as men should just always overlook what women do and if we don't then we're looked at as the problem.  Tell a woman to just overlook or don't take it too serious when a man walks by and calls you sweetie or puts his hands on the small of your back.  Is it wrong to just want to be called by your name?  

[Snowed23]

22 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think in the scope of life it is minor. There are massive issues in life to overcome , every run of the mill thing can’t be a hill to die on. 

And minor things can become major things if not addressed while it is a minor thing.

[Batya33]

Just now, Snowed23 said:

Me volunteering to a feminine organization for equal treatment will not correct this woman on calling someone dear or sweetie in an office setting.  Women want equal treatment but balk at being corrected.  Why is that, in your personal opinion.  Equal treatment is fine until it comes to a woman having to do something she either doesn't want to do or something that's typically done by a man.  I'm married and I dare not say to my wife, "you can just as easily take out the trash."  Single women who live alone have to take out their own trash all the time or do they wait on a guy to come by then ask him to do it?  If my wife calls me saying she's had a flat tire and is sitting on the side of the road do I say to her "pull up YouTube on your phone.  There are tons of videos there to show you how to change a tire."  Now I personally know a lot of women who work in repair shops who can tear down a transmission with a paperclip and a bottle of rubbing alcohol, being funny here but I hope you get my point.  We as men should just always overlook what women do and if we don't then we're looked at as the problem.  Tell a woman to just overlook or don't take it too serious when a man walks by and calls you sweetie or puts his hands on the small of your back.  Is it wrong to just want to be called by your name?  

It's wrong to approach it as you are as you described -wrong as in rude to the person.  You're correcting in a rude way. My point was use your negative energy and getting all riled up and transfer it to making the changes you would like to see.  You have a lot of anger about what you see as unfair -use that energy to work on making changes in a productive, positive way.  

[Seraphim]

Just now, Snowed23 said:

And minor things can become major things if not addressed while it is a minor thing.

I am not seeing some extra burgers or being called dear as a massive issue . There is something deep down you are really unhappy about that these things trigger in you. I would explore what that is. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Snowed23 said:

And minor things can become major things if not addressed while it is a minor thing.

Yes -your confrontational rude behavior likely is brushed aside by the recipient -but can quickly become a major thing as far as your ability to work well with others - which your bosses may take notice of that you are deficient in those areas. Only takes a couple of people reporting you for being rude....

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Snowed23 said:

But how long would you just keep overlooking it before you said anything?  You don't address it now and then 6 months down the road when you finally say something you could be looked at as "well, you've never said anything before."

If I’m dealing with someone infrequently or rarely, it’s not even a blip on my radar. I’m about the work, and I’d prefer a rep as someone who makes that as easy as possible for the largest number of people rather than as someone who is self righteous.

If it’s someone I deal with frequently, I’d throw something out there like a compliment, “By the way, I think you know me well enough to call me Cat rather than Catherine, and what would you prefer that I call you?”

It doesn’t need to be a confrontation that highlights indignation. Correcting people in ways that make them feel scolded is not a great way to score experience points in the soft skills arena. It’s like pouring battery acid on a simple mistake. It amplifies rather than minimizes the problem.