Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

As you know, and do not wish to be reminded, you are not dating.  If he is not a friend, and you are not dating,  what would be the  context  for "more texting" and "more staying in touch"?

These are kind of rhetorical questions, because I'm sure you know what you want - you want him to be "showing interest" in dating even though you are not, and actually, due to distance and various other things (like he doesn't have a job) you CANNOT be dating. 

He is behaving appropriately in not doing that, because regardless of any feelings of "interest" he may have, he knows there is no acting upon them aside from virtually.

It seems obvious that he is not a person who is interested in stoking any kind of romantic relationship based on the Internet.   You seem to want this, but he doesn't.  

 

Since we both expressed interest in seeing each other again, for me it's kind of normal to stay in touch - not every day of course - even if we are not dating. I do realize it's different for him.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Since we both expressed interest in seeing each other again, for me it's kind of normal to stay in touch  

It seems like you are staying in touch, just not as much as you would like.  That's ok. Not what you're used to but he's been like this since day one. Not big on texting. 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Since we both expressed interest in seeing each other again, for me it's kind of normal to stay in touch - not every day of course - even if we are not dating. I do realize it's different for him.

You are staying in touch though.  That's what I'm not getting. You are texting.

And he's responsive, engaging and attentive both in person and on text according to what you yourself have posted. 

The issue is you need him to text first and you're attaching meaning to him not doing so due to your own anxiety and insecurity.

Stop texting him.  Give HIM an opportunity to text you first if that's what you need.

If he doesn't, let it go and move on.

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy for about a year and a half and one thing he cited when he ended it was that I always traveled to him (he lived about an hour and 45 minutes away). He said that caused him to become lazy and complacent and as a result he lost interest in me.

Why not just hold off on texting first and give him a chance to step up?

[Batya33]

In my opinion, He is not staying in touch with sufficient interest in a potential relationship with her if all he does is react.  He doesn't desire to be in touch with her enough to text first or make an effort. He's happy to sit back and let her do all that work and if he doesn't hear from her he's good. Take it or leave it.  When I want to connect to someone I find a way to do so and I only wait for the other person to reach out first if there's a reason it would be a bad idea for me to do so - like if I know the person is very busy/on vacation.  

Separately I'd strongly advise against any long distance serious relationship with this person if the only way you plan to stay in touch is by texting.

[Jaunty]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Since we both expressed interest in seeing each other again, for me it's kind of normal to stay in touch - not every day of course - even if we are not dating. I do realize it's different for him.

Can we be completely honest?  It appears obvious that you ARE framing this in the context of a "virtual relationship." 

That's the only way this quote from you makes sense:  

Quote

the way we communicate doesn't work for me,

Yes.  For an "online boyfriend" there are definitely communication requirements, and also if a man is in "courtship" mode with a woman, he will go to effort to show a lot of interest.  

This guy is not performing in those ways.   

He is NOT behaving like an "online boyfriend."  

It doesn't seem like you are okay with this, and that is perfectly fine.  You want something different than what he is offering to you. 

Why is this so hard for you to accept?

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Can we be completely honest?  It appears obvious that you ARE framing this in the context of a "virtual relationship." 

That's the only way this quote from you makes sense:  

Yes.  For an "online boyfriend" there are definitely communication requirements, and also if a man is in "courtship" mode with a woman, he will go to effort to show a lot of interest.  

This guy is not performing in those ways.   

He is NOT behaving like an "online boyfriend."  

It doesn't seem like you are okay with this, and that is perfectly fine.  You want something different than what he is offering to you. 

Why is this so hard for you to accept?

 

For example -has he sent you flowers or other gifts? Small or not small? These are all ways to put in effort in between dates too.  Cards, emails, etc.  One of my guy friends heard his new love interest was getting her nails done. He found out where and called the place to prepay for her manicure.  Etc.

[kim42]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

 

Hi Kim, so if I'm reading the above quotes correctly, in person, he's great, you're great together, great chemistry, you talk for hours, he's very attentive and displays a lot of interest. 

When you text him, he's very responsive, asks questions and remembers things you've told him, again all indicating high interest.

But yet because he rarely texts you first, you're thinking about dumping him? 

If I may ask, what sort of meaning are you attaching to him not texting you first? 

Do you think it means he isn't interested? Despite all his other actions indicating he IS?  

It's clear (at least to me) he's very interested however it appears you've developed a pattern wherein typically you text and he responds. 

I know a few couples with this same type of dynamic and it suits them just fine. 

He may believe that is exactly what you want, since you continue to do it. It's possible.

Or like he's told you, he's not much of a texter which I don't really believe since he's always very responsive to your texts and quite engaging, asking questions etc.

Anyway, I think you should ask yourself what the real issue is and whether you attach meaning to him not texting first like he doesn't care or something..

Myself?  I don't need much texting. I focus instead on how we connect, vibe and get on together in person while actually on our dates.

That's what most important to me.  I can go for days not texting and I'm absolutely fine!

But you're not me and your needs are different and I respect that.

But again ask yourself why you specifically need him to text FIRST which seems to be the only issue.  

If it's insecurity and anxiety, that's your burden to bear imo.

Oh and one last question, if you're NOT "dating," what exactly is it that you're doing?  

Is there physical affection when you see each other?  Kissing, holding hands, cuddling, have you had sex?

iDK, to me, it sounds like you're dating.  Not exclusively or seriously but nonetheless it's still dating. 

Hi rainbow, when you put it that way, it looks indeed a little silly that I put so much importance on him texting me first.

Yes, we have a great time in person, we get along really well.

I admit that I'm so used to men texting me, and I grew up with the idea that a man should 'chase' you that this situation makes me a little insecure. 

I don't know how to refer to this situation, it's clearly more than friendship but we're not exclusive or anything.

As for physical affection, we hug each other, there's some touching, he's been a gentleman so far so we didn't have sex, and last time we saw each other he kissed me on the lips. He also told me he's attracted to me, and a couple of more things which I prefer to keep private.

[kim42]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You are staying in touch though.  That's what I'm not getting. You are texting.

And he's responsive, engaging and attentive both in person and on text according to what you yourself have posted. 

The issue is you need him to text first and you're attaching meaning to him not doing so due to your own anxiety and insecurity.

Stop texting him.  Give HIM an opportunity to text you first if that's what you need.

If he doesn't, let it go and move on.

This is very helpful, thank you rainbow.

[MissCanuck]

For him, this seems to be a fling of convenience. 

When the stars line up and you can see each other, great. You'll have a good time. But I don't think he has any intention of turning it into something more. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@kim42 I don't think anyone can state with certainty what his intentions are.  HE may not even know at this point in time which is okay imo.  You've had what, two dates?  

And why if I may ask does it have to be "going somewhere"?  Are not two people allowed to enjoy their moments together without the added pressure of what it means or where it's going?

I have never understood this, even when I was 18 years old in my first serious relationship.  

I always simply let things happen, naturally, I never bothered myself (or him) with "what does this mean"? Or "where is this going"?

And guess what?  Most of my dating experiences and relationships went the distance - years! 

My boyfriends/ex-husband considered me a sort of unicorn for this reason, how easy it was just "being" with me.  And as a result they wanted to move closer to me emotionally and fell in love with me.  Gradually and organically.

Relax!  Enjoy!  And try to rid yourself of outdated "rules" that an interested man chases and if he doesn't chase, it means he's not interested.

What a load of 'you know what', it means nothing of the sort.  He's following a contrived script because he thinks that's what it takes to "win" you.  In the early stages he doesn't even know you, remember that. 

Once he does (win you), it's anyone's guess what he will want with you after that. Including him.

I know such behavior all too well and when it happens now, it's a huge turn OFF.  Flowers, gifts, texts, cards, texting ad nauseum, no thank you.

Again it's contrived and meaningless.  

Judge by how well you connect and get on together in person.  The energy between you.

Can't you tell?  I always can like with the new man I'm dating.  He doesn't do any of that nonsense however it's obvious the man is totally smitten with me, or rather we are smitten with each other!  

All dating experiences and relationships are a risk, even marriage as I've learned.  NO guarantees, ever. 

Try to not overthink or analyze it.  I say this often and it's probably getting old for people but relax and enjoy the process, enjoy the journey.  

Don't worry yourself about what will happen "tomorrow".

Trust that whatever is meant to happen between you, WILL happen. 

Or not, again it's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice. 

Good luck!  😀

[Sindy_0311]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Are not two people allowed to enjoy their moments together without the added pressure of what it means or where it's going?

Of course. The problem is when one of the two catches feelings that are not being reciprocated… 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Of course. The problem is when one of the two catches feelings that are not being reciprocated… 

Well in that case simply move on.  I mean, you already know the answer so why ask?  Or even wonder about it? 

It's pointless imo. Just move on, next. 

[boltnrun]

I've been in a couple of situations where I met an absolutely amazing guy who I definitely felt so-called "sparks" with. But there were reasons why it never went anywhere. The first one was when I was 19 and leaving for college the next day. I had a big crush on the guy but he didn't tell me he felt the same until my last day there. Another one was when I was in my 40s and met a guy at work. He said he thought I was terrific but he had just started dating someone and wanted to be fair to her. 

Sometimes for reasons it just isn't the right time. Or the right place. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

 he's been a gentleman so far so we didn't have sex, and last time we saw each other he kissed me on the lips. He also told me he's attracted to me, and a couple of more things which I prefer to keep private.

He seems to like you, but between all the logistics with the distance and his employment situation he seems (rightfully) hesitant to want to pursue anything intense right now. You're both seeing others locally and going on with your lives so there's no harm staying in light touch. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

One of my guy friends heard his new love interest was getting her nails done. He found out where and called the place to prepay for her manicure.

Bat I'm sorry but that's just creepy.  How did he find out where she was getting her manicure, did he follow her?  Stalking her SM?

Were they even dating or was she simply a "love interest"?  Either way creepy imo. 

I realize some women would be flattered, but to me, it would creep me out and have me running, even IF I had been attracted to him initially.

It's too much, too over the top and 'trying too hard to impress' which often has the opposite intended effect.

Different strokes and all that. 

[Jaunty]

52 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Of course. The problem is when one of the two catches feelings that are not being reciprocated… 

Which is often followed with spiraling anxiety, rumination,  etc. 

Not everybody is gifted with the propensity to be all easy breezy and  devil-may-care when it comes to matters of the heart.   

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Which is often followed with spiraling anxiety, rumination,  etc. 

Not everybody is gifted with the propensity to be all easy breezy and  devil-may-care when it comes to matters of the heart.   

Well I'm definitely "easy breezy" lol, but definitely not "devil-may-care," I am never reckless and very much care!  I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't care. 

I get insecure and anxious too but like you even said in my thread, I don't play into my insecurities and anxiety.  

I've learned to manage it and it's served me quite well over the years.

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42 I don't think anyone can state with certainty what his intentions are.  HE may not even know at this point in time which is okay imo.  You've had what, two dates?  

And why if I may ask does it have to be "going somewhere"?  Are not two people allowed to enjoy their moments together without the added pressure of what it means or where it's going?

I have never understood this, even when I was 18 years old in my first serious relationship.  

I always simply let things happen, naturally, I never bothered myself (or him) with "what does this mean"? Or "where is this going"?

And guess what?  Most of my dating experiences and relationships went the distance - years! 

My boyfriends/ex-husband considered me a sort of unicorn for this reason, how easy it was just "being" with me.  And as a result they wanted to move closer to me emotionally and fell in love with me.  Gradually and organically.

Relax!  Enjoy!  And try to rid yourself of outdated "rules" that an interested man chases and if he doesn't chase, it means he's not interested.

What a load of 'you know what', it means nothing of the sort.  He's following a contrived script because he thinks that's what it takes to "win" you.  In the early stages he doesn't even know you, remember that. 

Once he does (win you), it's anyone's guess what he will want with you after that. Including him.

I know such behavior all too well and when it happens now, it's a huge turn OFF.  Flowers, gifts, texts, cards, texting ad nauseum, no thank you.

Again it's contrived and meaningless.  

Judge by how well you connect and get on together in person.  The energy between you.

Can't you tell?  I always can like with the new man I'm dating.  He doesn't do any of that nonsense however it's obvious the man is totally smitten with me, or rather we are smitten with each other!  

All dating experiences and relationships are a risk, even marriage as I've learned.  NO guarantees, ever. 

Try to not overthink or analyze it.  I say this often and it's probably getting old for people but relax and enjoy the process, enjoy the journey.  

Don't worry yourself about what will happen "tomorrow".

Trust that whatever is meant to happen between you, WILL happen. 

Or not, again it's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice. 

Good luck!  😀

Thanks rainbow, I sometimes hesitate to post over here but comments like yours are very refreshing 🙂

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

For him, this seems to be a fling of convenience. 

When the stars line up and you can see each other, great. You'll have a good time. But I don't think he has any intention of turning it into something more. 

I'm not sure about that but I can't see where initiating texting at least half the time is chasing.  

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Which is often followed with spiraling anxiety, rumination,  etc. 

Not everybody is gifted with the propensity to be all easy breezy and  devil-may-care when it comes to matters of the heart.   

I loved spontaneity within the structure and foundation of commitment -or in the early stages when we both had the same general goals and were showing interest with potential.  If I wanted a vacation fling, etc that was different- which I did a couple of times and I also dated a few men where it was obvious it was going to be enjoyable short term.  The OP seems to want only to invest time here if it is potentially going somewhere.  I respect that.

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bat I'm sorry but that's just creepy.  How did he find out where she was getting her manicure, did he follow her?  Stalking her SM?

Were they even dating or was she simply a "love interest"?  Either way creepy imo. 

I realize some women would be flattered, but to me, it would creep me out and have me running, even IF I had been attracted to him initially.

It's too much, too over the top and 'trying too hard to impress' which often has the opposite intended effect.

Different strokes and all that. 

I also thought it was overkill.  They'd been dating at least 2 months by that point.  She told him she was going for a manicure, and where.  They later married and she died young, tragically after about 2 years of marriage. He courted his next wife in much the same way.

When I first dated my husband and we worked together sometimes he'd leave little treats in my office left over from fancy meetings lol

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I can't see where initiating texting at least half the time is chasing.  

I never said it was. 

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And why if I may ask does it have to be "going somewhere"?  Are not two people allowed to enjoy their moments together without the added pressure of what it means or where it's going?

Of course, but that clearly is not where our OP is at. She is evidently hoping for more out of this. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Of course, but that clearly is not where our OP is at. She is evidently hoping for more out of this. 

At the risk of sounding rude, so what? 

One (in this case @kim42) can hope for more but still remain self-contained and relaxed taking it all 'one day at a time' versus analyzing and dissecting what everything means including text messaging.

I don't understand why hoping for more means as @Jauntysaid spiraling into anxiety and rumination.

Better to learn to manage anxieties and allow the relationship to take its natural course and develop gradually and organically.

Lower the expectations such as men should 'chase' otherwise they have low interest which Kim subscibes to. 

That imo is a very unhealthy not to mention unrealistic expectation in today's dating environment imo.

 

 

 

[kim42]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

At the risk of sounding rude, so what? 

One (in this case @kim42) can hope for more but still remain self-contained and relaxed taking it all 'one day at a time' versus analyzing and dissecting what everything means including text messaging.

I don't understand why hoping for more means as @Jauntysaid spiraling into anxiety and rumination.

Better to learn to manage anxieties and allow the relationship to take its natural course and develop gradually and organically.

Lower the expectations such as men should 'chase' otherwise they have low interest which Kim subscibes to. 

That imo is a very unhealthy not to mention unrealistic expectation in today's dating environment imo.

 

 

 

Thanks rainbow, this thread has really helped me to see things from a different perspective, and also to learn to enjoy things and try to have fun instead of being stressed.

I don't understand why some people here are so negative, I'm open to reading all sorts of comments but sometimes I hesitate to post here because of this.

I definitely see some progress im myself and my approach in dating, and that's probably more important in the long run than whatever will or will not happen with this guy 🙂