Long-distance guy - update

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I never said it was. 

Of course, but that clearly is not where our OP is at. She is evidently hoping for more out of this. 

I know you didn't say that about texting.  I was adding on. Sorry if unclear.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Thanks rainbow, this thread has really helped me to see things from a different perspective, and also to learn to enjoy things and try to have fun instead of being stressed.

I don't understand why some people here are so negative, I'm open to reading all sorts of comments but sometimes I hesitate to post here because of this.

I definitely see some progress im myself and my approach in dating, and that's probably more important in the long run than whatever will or will not happen with this guy 🙂

Yes it will be a lot of fun for sure if you don't expect him to text you as if this was going to lead to something more and if you take this one date at a time - meaning when you happen to both be in the same place you hang out/go on a date/whatever - and have fun at that time.  In between you won't have expectations or hope he texts more/wants more out of the dates, etc.  If you have that mindset - it sounds like a lot of fun - rendevous with him every once in awhile when it's convenient -fun texting when you feel like texting him in between  - something fun to look forward to. 

Then have fun when you see him and then he's off the radar again till next time if there is one.  That could be really fun ---IF that becomes your perspective and your mindset -a shift from what it was when you queried about his texting habits.  Also easier since neither of you want to hear each other's voice or do a video call in between -makes it easier a bit to keep him off the radar.  That mindset is perfect for what you and Rainbowroses are discussing and if that becomes your truth -that's awesome and fun!!

Also yes I agree -especially with that shift in mindset this could be great dating practice if  you feel you need it.  Good luck and have fun!!

[Sindy_0311]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well in that case simply move on.  I mean, you already know the answer so why ask?  Or even wonder about it? 

It's pointless imo. Just move on, next. 

Exactly, move on. 

I think OP is developing feelings for this man. They know each other for a while, If I remember well, they used to work together in the past (@kim42 tell me if I'm wrong)

@kim42 I don't think you are just trying to have fun. I'm saying this because of your past threads, the anxiety you had last summer. After that you decided to approach it in a more casual way and your therapist helped you in that sense. You were more relaxed, but confessed that you were really anxious again before meeting him for the second time in November. (you said that in Rainbows last thread) And now, here you are, wanting him to text you more because you want him to reciprocate. in my opinion, you are not doing it for fun or just enjoying the hanging out with him. I sense that you really like this guy, and for a while. I think this situation is not healthy for you. this the kind of relationship that a woman can entertain for month, even years, keeping you stuck when clearly there is nothing to expect from it. At least not now. 

Thats why I was suggesting you trying to move on, but for real. Stop the contact, so you can focus on someone else without having him in your thoughts. Maybe someday, In a few years you will meet again, and he will be ready to have you in your life, who knows. But for now, I don't think it's sustainable. Maintaining contact with him is too risky according the fact that you really like him.

And I'm not being negative. I try being realistic and seeing things for what they are... you like a guy, he might(probably) like you in return, BUT: He isn't reciprocating as you wish he would, for now he needs to fix his own life, and you live to far appart... 3 reasonable and realistic reasons to not pursue this. 

 

[kim42]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Exactly, move on. 

I think OP is developing feelings for this man. They know each other for a while, If I remember well, they used to work together in the past (@kim42 tell me if I'm wrong)

@kim42 I don't think you are just trying to have fun. I'm saying this because of your past threads, the anxiety you had last summer. After that you decided to approach it in a more casual way and your therapist helped you in that sense. You were more relaxed, but confessed that you were really anxious again before meeting him for the second time in November. (you said that in Rainbows last thread) And now, here you are, wanting him to text you more because you want him to reciprocate. in my opinion, you are not doing it for fun or just enjoying the hanging out with him. I sense that you really like this guy, and for a while. I think this situation is not healthy for you. this the kind of relationship that a woman can entertain for month, even years, keeping you stuck when clearly there is nothing to expect from it. At least not now. 

Thats why I was suggesting you trying to move on, but for real. Stop the contact, so you can focus on someone else without having him in your thoughts. Maybe someday, In a few years you will meet again, and he will be ready to have you in your life, who knows. But for now, I don't think it's sustainable. Maintaining contact with him is too risky according the fact that you really like him.

And I'm not being negative. I try being realistic and seeing things for what they are... you like a guy, he might(probably) like you in return, BUT: He isn't reciprocating as you wish he would, for now he needs to fix his own life, and you live to far appart... 3 reasonable and realistic reasons to not pursue this. 

 

I said in @rainbowsandroses that I was nervous a couple of minutes just before meeting him again which I think it's normal in these situations, it was a mix of being nervous and excited. I wasn't talking about anxiety, and as I mentioned here as well, I was a lot less anxious this time.

My reply to rainbow was more in a general sense about dating as such, not just about this situation.

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I don't understand why hoping for more means as @Jauntysaid spiraling into anxiety and rumination.

I certainly did not say that hoping for more "means" spiraling into anxiety etc. I was responding to THIS person; the OP.  As you know very well, since you posted plenty in the first thread about this situation, the OP is someone who did not handle the situation with this guy well last time around.  The whole thread ended up focussed on anxiety.

And you also know, having posted on this long thread as well, that her goal in pursuing this further was to have a different approach - but she is slipping back into the same pattern  now. 

She is not a person who, at this time, handles uncertainty  in the context of potentially romantic connections, in a healthy way.  It would take some work to change this and no work has been done.

 We all have some habits / patterns that are challenging to us in our  lives.  They are not going to just disappear because we read a self help book or because somebody on the Internet said a thing.  

I'm all for the OP and everybody to live their lives and learn their lessons the way they need to learn them.  But a person with a pattern who is clearly repeating the pattern is in a place where they need to look at the pattern and what causes them to fall back into it ... if they'd like to change it.  Or they can do the same thing repeatedly. 

@kim42- you can learn a great deal if you will look back and read your entire other post, and then this one as well.   Not to make yourself feel bad, but to get a good perspective of this pattern.  

I do hope for the best for you.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

49 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I certainly did not say that hoping for more "means" spiraling into anxiety etc. I was responding to THIS person; the OP.  As you know very well, since you posted plenty in the first thread about this situation, the OP is someone who did not handle the situation with this guy well last time around.  The whole thread ended up focussed on anxiety.

And you also know, having posted on this long thread as well, that her goal in pursuing this further was to have a different approach - but she is slipping back into the same pattern  now. 

She is not a person who, at this time, handles uncertainty  in the context of potentially romantic connections, in a healthy way.  It would take some work to change this and no work has been done.

 We all have some habits / patterns that are challenging to us in our  lives.  They are not going to just disappear because we read a self help book or because somebody on the Internet said a thing.  

I'm all for the OP and everybody to live their lives and learn their lessons the way they need to learn them.  But a person with a pattern who is clearly repeating the pattern is in a place where they need to look at the pattern and what causes them to fall back into it ... if they'd like to change it.  Or they can do the same thing repeatedly. 

@kim42- you can learn a great deal if you will look back and read your entire other post, and then this one as well.   Not to make yourself feel bad, but to get a good perspective of this pattern.  

I do hope for the best for you.

 

I'm not sure what you're going on about, we already know all this about kim, her anxieties etc.

And if you've read her posts on THIS thread, she stated several times how much she appreciates my perspective and it's helping her become more centered in her attitude towards this particular situation and dating in general.  

There is no reason why, because Kim has been a certain way in the past (anxious and insecure), she has to continue that pattern and being uncomfortable with uncertainty.

She's learning and I'm showing her a different path, a healthier path imo and experience, towards the SAME goal - a relationship assuming that is what she ultimately wants with this man.

And again, she has stated numerous times how much she appreciates that versus certain posters telling her otherwise.  That him not texting her first means he's not that into her, not making effort, not reciprocating.

Which again if they had read her posts, taking away their bias or this outdated notion that men should "chase," is simply not true.

Who knows what will happen or where any of this will lead?  That's uncertainty and it's a given in any new relationship.

And if one is to survive these precarious early stages, it's important to learn how to handle that uncertainty otherwise they're not going to make it.

I'm experiencing it myself right now with MY new man.  But I've learned to deal with it so I'm okay.  

So you or anyone can knock my posts or attitude, but I'm helping @kim42 do that.  

All the best kim, good luck and happy holidays! 😀

 

[kim42]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I certainly did not say that hoping for more "means" spiraling into anxiety etc. I was responding to THIS person; the OP.  As you know very well, since you posted plenty in the first thread about this situation, the OP is someone who did not handle the situation with this guy well last time around.  The whole thread ended up focussed on anxiety.

And you also know, having posted on this long thread as well, that her goal in pursuing this further was to have a different approach - but she is slipping back into the same pattern  now. 

She is not a person who, at this time, handles uncertainty  in the context of potentially romantic connections, in a healthy way.  It would take some work to change this and no work has been done.

 We all have some habits / patterns that are challenging to us in our  lives.  They are not going to just disappear because we read a self help book or because somebody on the Internet said a thing.  

I'm all for the OP and everybody to live their lives and learn their lessons the way they need to learn them.  But a person with a pattern who is clearly repeating the pattern is in a place where they need to look at the pattern and what causes them to fall back into it ... if they'd like to change it.  Or they can do the same thing repeatedly. 

@kim42- you can learn a great deal if you will look back and read your entire other post, and then this one as well.   Not to make yourself feel bad, but to get a good perspective of this pattern.  

I do hope for the best for you.

 

I appreciate your input but just because I ask a follow up question about him/his texting habits, it doesn't mean I am slipping back to my old pattern.

Sure, there's still work to do on my end as far as my anxiety but I know I've made some progress since my first thread, and I come back here because the advice from @rainbowsandroses @NighttimeNightmare and @Wiseman2 has helped a lot. I think them showing me a different perspective on things is more helpful than someone else advising me to block this guy (I know it wasn't you).

For the record, I'd ask this question about texting even if it was a different man because it's simply new to me, and not something I'm used to, so I really don't understand this negativity.

[TacticalLinguine]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I appreciate your input but just because I ask a follow up question about him/his texting habits, it doesn't mean I am slipping back to my old pattern.

You didn’t just ask a question, though. You expressed that it is causing you discomfort and anxiety, uncertainty if you should even express YOUR needs; you say you don’t want to play games but you still are to an extent. There also seems to be a lot of rewriting and twisting of the narrative here. More than once you’ve said you plan to stop investing in this. 
 

Personally I don’t understand what the goal is here. I don’t think it’s so much about your anxiety, it’s more about you choosing to approach a “situationship” that doesn’t serve you. 

[kim42]

1 minute ago, TacticalLinguine said:

You didn’t just ask a question, though. You expressed that it is causing you discomfort and anxiety, uncertainty if you should even express YOUR needs; you say you don’t want to play games but you still are to an extent. There also seems to be a lot of rewriting and twisting of the narrative here. More than once you’ve said you plan to stop investing in this. 
 

Personally I don’t understand what the goal is here. 

I never said my anxiety is completely gone, I'm learning to handle it better as well as adapting a different approach in dating.

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't understand why some people here are so negative, I'm open to reading all sorts of comments but sometimes I hesitate to post here because of this.

I agree that your other thread got kind of far afield, but I don't see people acting like they're negative on this one.

You've showed some self defeating patterns and people are noticing when they are cropping up again, and commenting accordingly.  I understand that it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end but people really are trying to help you not be stuck.  

 

[Jaunty]

22 minutes ago, kim42 said:

For the record, I'd ask this question about texting even if it was a different man because it's simply new to me, and not something I'm used to, so I really don't understand this negativity.

You are not going to like this, since you are sidestepping uncomfortable realities, but since you did like the contributions that @NighttimeNightmare made on your last thread I will paste one of their final ones here:

Quote

 

You keep doing this. Same pattern.  Over and over. And you don’t seem to learn from it 

you have an anxiety spiral, you soothe it with his response, you feel better in the moment and say “ok ok ok. I have a problem. All is well now!”  Then 5 minutes later when there’s a completely normal lapse in response the anxiety spiral starts all over again.  

 

This, in some form or another, is what people are talking about here.   

 

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You are not going to like this, since you are sidestepping uncomfortable realities, but since you did like the contributions that @NighttimeNightmare made on your last thread I will paste one of their final ones here:

This, in some form or another, is what people are talking about here.   

 

Yes, I remember this. This was several months ago, and I've learned how to better manage my anxiety, and I'm still learning to deal with uncertainty.

That doesn't mean I can't ask a follow up question - I'm definitely less anxious now but his texting habits make me feel a little insecure, as I said in my reply to @rainbowsandroses

You're making it sound as if I can never improve - that's what I mean by negativity.

 

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

This, in some form or another, is what people are talking about here.   

 

This is exactly what I thought when I read this:

55 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And if you've read her posts on THIS thread, she stated several times how much she appreciates my perspective and it's helping her become more centered in her attitude towards this particular situation and dating in general.  

In my opinion the positive advices or comments you get here help you change your mindset, but only for a while. 

I have to say that I totally agree with @rainbowsandroses perspective on dating. But also know that it wouldn’t be suitable for me. I admire people who can just enjoy it and have fun. Not my case, so I date accordingly to protect myself from being stuck. 

[rainbowsandroses]

 

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

O have to say that I totally agree with @rainbowsandroses perspective on dating. But also know that it wouldn’t be suitable for me. I admire people who can just enjoy it and have fun. Not my case, so I date accordingly to protect myself from being stuck. 

Thank you for saying that @Sindy_0311 I appreciate it.

And yes my attitude works very well for me as virtually every man I've dated for longer than three dates has wanted a 'relationship' with me.  

My new man is different, he's not full on like the others.

Which on one hand leaves me a bit anxious and uncertain but on the other hand, I find refreshing and actually more healthy.  We've only had three dates after all, our fourth is this weekend.

With respect to what's bolded, what I've learned is that often times (or at least sometimes) our pursuit of not being stuck is actually what keeps us stuck (in a different way) and prevents us from getting what we want.

That said, we all need to do what's best for ourselves.

[Jaunty]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

I have to say that I totally agree with @rainbowsandroses perspective on dating. But also know that it wouldn’t be suitable for me. I admire people who can just enjoy it and have fun. Not my case, so I date accordingly to protect myself from being stuck. 

I also totally agree with it, and it's not "me" or the OP.   

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

our pursuit of not being stuck is actually what keeps us stuck and prevents us from getting what we want.

Disagree. Because when you are stuck on someone, and sometimes even for years, you don't give yourself the opportunity to meet the right person.

Also have to say that I have been lucky in my past relationships before my marriage, never had to wonder about a mans interest level it always worked out the way I wanted. Now it's different. People are more complicated than when I was 20-30. Just a general feeling I have. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Disagree. Because when you are stuck on someone, and sometimes even for years, you don't give yourself the opportunity to meet the right person.

I agree it's never good to remain stuck on a man or situation when you know in your heart it's not working for you. 

I meant it keeps you "stuck" in a different way (i.e. old patterns and beliefs).

By the way, I completely agreed with your decision to walk away from the previous man you were seeing, I would have done the same!

No question.  Probably sooner than you did even. 

I don't want to harp too much on myself as I'm not the OP but I think some people have the wrong idea about my dating style. 

It's not just for "fun," I have the same goals as you or anyone - a serious relationship.  I do not date casually or without intent. 

I simply take a different path to get there, one in which I sort of detach from the outcome (where is this going? what does this mean?).

Not sure why as I've always been this way, but I'm able to enjoy each moment for what it is, and not concern myself so much with what will happen "tomorrow."

Whatever happens tomorrow, I deal with it then.  

[Batya33]

I think chasing is unnecessary and I don't know if it's an "outdated notion" - I think chasing is what people do out of desperation or particularly if they want a specific goal like a fling or simply arm candy, etc.

I do think the man should do most or more of the asking out in the beginning and I think that both people should show equal interest. To me expecting a man to initiate at least half of the communication is not expecting to be chased.  At all.  

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me expecting a man to initiate at least half of the communication is not expecting to be chased. 

My response about chasing was in response to what @kim42had posted about expecting men who are interested to chase her, including texting her all the time.

Chase was her word. 

And as has been stated, if she needs him to initiate texting she should stop doing all the initiating.  And give him the opportunity to step up.

It may also be misleading him in that he believes that is what she prefers.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My response about chasing was in response to what @kim42had posted about expecting men who are interested to chase her.

Chase was her word. 

Yes I think she said she doesn't expect that anymore.  I don't think her concern that this man she is very into isn't initiating any texts is she expecting to be chased.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I think she said she doesn't expect that anymore.

Yes, she trying to not expect it. Old patterns and ways of thinking are often hard to shake. 

But she's getting there and I applaud her for that and wish her luck!! 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes, she trying to not expect it. Old patterns and ways of thinking are often hard to shake. 

But she's getting there and I applaud her for that and wish her luck!! 

If she gets to a place where she doesn't expect to be chased that's fine. But it's not at all relevant to her interactions with this man IMO. I think his level of interest is if it's convenient for him to see her when she's in town, he will, and if she happens to put in the effort to text him he'll respond.  On her end-strong-on his end-lukewarm at best as far as interest in a romantic relationship.  Consistent with a casual acquaintance who is mildly attracted to the person and probably enjoys her level of interest in him.

[Jaunty]

16 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 

That doesn't mean I can't ask a follow up question - I'm definitely less anxious now but his texting habits make me feel a little insecure, as I said in my reply to @rainbowsandroses

You're making it sound as if I can never improve - that's what I mean by negativity.

 

Regarding the texting habits - you have completely sidestepped all posts that put you on the spot about why you'd have any texting expectations under these circumstances.  And why you would choose to set yourself up to have insecure feelings like this.      People are responding to that.  But you will not engage, so far.  

I 100% believe that everyone can change for the better as long as they're alive.  

It takes what it takes and I do believe you can learn to make healthy choices for yourself - which would surely include not getting emotionally wrapped up in how often a guy who you have met twice, are not dating, is not in a position to pursue an LDR and does not seem interested in doing that anyway, texts you.    

It would take some work and the ability to look objectively at yourself and your patterns. 

I sure do wish you the best.

 

 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

And if you've read her posts on THIS thread, she stated several times how much she appreciates my perspective

Of course she does, because you are helping reinforce the narrative she is telling herself.   The one that is helping her repeat the same pattern, with the same person, months later.   

That is human nature.

 

[boltnrun]

Kim, are you trying to adjust into someone who's OK with long distance relationships?