Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

15 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sorry for my bad English. What I mean is: try not to reach out first. Let him come to you. I think any kind of relationships are based on investment form both parts, something like 50/50. It looks like you are doing more efforts than him to get the communication going. He isn't showing much reciprocity in the sense that he isn't reaching out. some dating coaches would say: Do never invest more than the other person. 

If you don't reach out, maybe the communication will fade until it dies. And that's ok. It just means that he didn't reach your level of interest. I have been dating one guy a few weeks ago. We saw each other twice. he was silent so I reached out once. we exchanged 3 texts and then he just disappeared. Never reached out again... thats how it sometimes goes. People let things slow fade because they aren't into it.

He can't come because he has no money? or is it lack of time.....??

Why isn't he asking you to come visit him again?

Did you tell him that? is this the reason why he isn't inviting you? 

Its been 6 month now (or even more) that you are thinking about this guy. you saw him twice, in 6 month. you exchanged one kiss. And now you will have to wait another two or three month to see him again, and in the mean time all you've got is an enthusiastic texts responder and all the fantasies you built around this guy. I'm sorry but this is way to much of energy spent on a guy who doesn't match your level of interest. Just let him for now. 

Thanks, Sindy, for explaining.

I'm not planning to text him again as the way we communicate doesn't work for me, I just came here to discuss it but I honestly don't feel like investing anymore of my time into this. 

I've been on many dates with different men in the meantime, so it's not like I'm just sitting at home thinking about him. I rarely have this connection in person with a man though, so that's why I kept in touch with him.

The reason why he didn't visit is money, he's been unemployed for quite some time now, and as I said I understand this.

Yes, I told him it's his turn now. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I just came here to discuss it but I honestly don't feel like investing anymore of my time into this. 

Yeah, but you wanted to tell him that you like more texts from him without sounding clingy. right? 

If honestly you think you don't want to invest more of your time on this, I suggest you go no contact, you block him if you need to, because you NEED to take him out of your system. 

It's great you go on dates with others guys, but you will never find a good one if you still have HIM in your mind. YOU have to decide now what's best for you.

Letting him reach out again in a few month, or moving on now?

[Batya33]

Can you confirm why if he’s not into texting you two aren’t having phone calls? 

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah, but you wanted to tell him that you like more texts from him without sounding clingy. right? 

If honestly you think you don't want to invest more of your time on this, I suggest you go no contact, you block him if you need to, because you NEED to take him out of your system. 

It's great you go on dates with others guys, but you will never find a good one if you still have HIM in your mind. YOU have to decide now what's best for you.

Letting him reach out again in a few month, or moving on now?

 I was thinking about bringing up this subject with him but I don't know how so I'll just go with my first option - move on.

[kim42]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Can you confirm why if he’s not into texting you two aren’t having phone calls? 

Batya, I don't like phone calls, and avoid them unless it's absolutely necessary.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Batya, I don't like phone calls, and avoid them unless it's absolutely necessary.

Then, respectfully,you can’t complain if he doesn’t like texting. Has he asked to call ? Or tried to? Having been long distance I don’t think it’s sustainable on texting alone. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 I was thinking about bringing up this subject with him but I don't know how so I'll just go with my first option - move on.

Basically you had two options: 

1. Ask him about his texting method and try to progress things... 

2. Move one 

I don't understand the big gap between these two options and think you are lying to yourself about your ability to move on that easily... I just hope I'm wrong. 

 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then you can’t complain if he doesn’t like texting. Has he asked to call ? Or tried to? Having been long distance I don’t think it’s sustainable on texting alone. 

He doesn't like phone calls either, I think this is a personal preference thing, I don't need phone call in my life :) 

[kim42]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Basically you had two options: 

1. Ask him about his texting method and try to progress things... 

2. Move one 

I don't understand the big gap between these two options and think you are lying to yourself about your ability to move on that easily... I just hope I'm wrong. 

 

Sindy, I appreciate your advice, but I really don't want to go down this road again that people accuse me of lying to myself.

I came here to ask/discuss something, and I believe there's no need to come up with these sort of theories.

[catfeeder]

He’s not really offering you anything to form ‘needs’ around. As it stands, he’s an occasional pen pal from another country with whom you’ve shared some meals and conversations. Expressing needs at this time is premature, IMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

So I last saw him 2 weeks ago, it was great, we have great chemistry in person, we can talk for hours, and he kept mentioning he'll visit me next year (he also mentioned this after we met). 

 

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

When I message him, he usually replies very quickly and seems into me, he carries the conversation and asks me questions. He remembers things that I told him, he remembered my birthday and other details.

 

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I thought about simply moving on but I also wonder if I should first ask him about this.

Hi Kim, so if I'm reading the above quotes correctly, in person, he's great, you're great together, great chemistry, you talk for hours, he's very attentive and displays a lot of interest. 

When you text him, he's very responsive, asks questions and remembers things you've told him, again all indicating high interest.

But yet because he rarely texts you first, you're thinking about dumping him? 

If I may ask, what sort of meaning are you attaching to him not texting you first? 

Do you think it means he isn't interested? Despite all his other actions indicating he IS?  

It's clear (at least to me) he's very interested however it appears you've developed a pattern wherein typically you text and he responds. 

I know a few couples with this same type of dynamic and it suits them just fine. 

He may believe that is exactly what you want, since you continue to do it. It's possible.

Or like he's told you, he's not much of a texter which I don't really believe since he's always very responsive to your texts and quite engaging, asking questions etc.

Anyway, I think you should ask yourself what the real issue is and whether you attach meaning to him not texting first like he doesn't care or something..

Myself?  I don't need much texting. I focus instead on how we connect, vibe and get on together in person while actually on our dates.

That's what most important to me.  I can go for days not texting and I'm absolutely fine!

But you're not me and your needs are different and I respect that.

But again ask yourself why you specifically need him to text FIRST which seems to be the only issue.  

If it's insecurity and anxiety, that's your burden to bear imo.

Oh and one last question, if you're NOT "dating," what exactly is it that you're doing?  

Is there physical affection when you see each other?  Kissing, holding hands, cuddling, have you had sex?

iDK, to me, it sounds like you're dating.  Not exclusively or seriously but nonetheless it's still dating. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think this is different from my friends, so I don't think it's relevant how I text with my friends.

That was actually my point. Currently he is a man you've spent several hours with and shared a kiss. You two aren't in a dating relationship (it's more what I would classify as a "romantic friendship"). Asking him to text you more frequently implies you believe the two of you are in a relationship. Even if you don't actually believe that. 

If you want to continue to keep in touch it seems you will have to be the one to initiate texting. If this isn't your preference then I would do as some others have suggested and stop initiating. For all you know he may end up texting you "Hello Stranger!" or something similar after a week or two goes by. Or he may not. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't want to play games, and again, I don't expect him to talk to me all the time, but it would be nice if he reached out to me more.

Why are you expecting a "boyfriend package" when you subscribed to "casual" one?

He isnt required to reach out at all since you arent in a relationship. So his "Text me when you are in town X" has sense. Because he has no obligation to reach. On the other hand, yes, you are allowed to not be OK with that also. And to stop reach out as well. Just saying that you are expecting him to act like a boyfriend. While he is clearly not that and you are freely multi-dating as well.

[Batya33]

Ok. It’s good you both don’t like phone calls. IMHO unless your circumstances change and you can see each other at least once a week I don’t think staying in touch in between longer periods of time solely by typing will work as far as potential long term. I guess video calls are out too?

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why are you expecting a "boyfriend package" when you subscribed to "casual" one?

He isnt required to reach out at all since you arent in a relationship. So his "Text me when you are in town X" has sense. Because he has no obligation to reach. On the other hand, yes, you are allowed to not be OK with that also. And to stop reach out as well. Just saying that you are expecting him to act like a boyfriend. While he is clearly not that and you are freely multi-dating as well.

Based on my past experiences, when I would hang out/go on dates with a man before he became my boyfriend, or sometimes not, he would text me quite a lot, so I don't think this is exclusively boyfriend behavior.

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ok. It’s good you both don’t like phone calls. IMHO unless your circumstances change and you can see each other at least once a week I don’t think staying in touch in between longer periods of time solely by typing will work as far as potential long term. I guess video calls are out too?

Yes video calls are out too 😁

[kim42]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That was actually my point. Currently he is a man you've spent several hours with and shared a kiss. You two aren't in a dating relationship (it's more what I would classify as a "romantic friendship"). Asking him to text you more frequently implies you believe the two of you are in a relationship. Even if you don't actually believe that. 

If you want to continue to keep in touch it seems you will have to be the one to initiate texting. If this isn't your preference then I would do as some others have suggested and stop initiating. For all you know he may end up texting you "Hello Stranger!" or something similar after a week or two goes by. Or he may not. 

I think that's where I wasn't sure, if asking him about his texting habits was reasonable after 2 meets/dates/whatever you guys want to call it.

[Sindy_0311]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's clear (at least to me) he's very interested however it appears you've developed a pattern wherein typically you text and he responds. 

Here, I disagree... IMO he is lukewarm. For me, the issue is that they are dating long distance (they already exchanged a kiss, so I guess we can call it dating), they met only twice in 6 month, and maybe it will be like this for more month. If he doesn't reach out, doesn't call or shows some kind of effort to keep it going or make it progress by at least reach out with a simple text, it's just that he isn't into her enough, or simply not ready to date someone. I don't care if he's an introvert. I am too, I hate phone calls, but I enjoy talking to a guy I'm interested in, which he is supposed to be since they kissed and know each other for a long time now. 

[kim42]

Just a general note - we both hate phone calls, we both know this about each other and I'm not expecting any phone call in the future 🙂

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, kim42 said:

I think that's where I wasn't sure, if asking him about his texting habits was reasonable after 2 meets/dates/whatever you guys want to call it.

It's not reasonable. And I think this is the same question everyone asks : Why is he not reaching out. And the answer usually is.... I let you figure it out by yourself 🙂 

JMHO

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Just a general note - we both hate phone calls, we both know this about each other and I'm not expecting any phone call in the future 🙂

How do you think long distance relationship work? 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think this is different from my friends, so I don't think it's relevant how I text with my friends.

As you know, and do not wish to be reminded, you are not dating.  If he is not a friend, and you are not dating,  what would be the  context  for "more texting" and "more staying in touch"?

These are kind of rhetorical questions, because I'm sure you know what you want - you want him to be "showing interest" in dating even though you are not, and actually, due to distance and various other things (like he doesn't have a job) you CANNOT be dating. 

He is behaving appropriately in not doing that, because regardless of any feelings of "interest" he may have, he knows there is no acting upon them aside from virtually.

It seems obvious that he is not a person who is interested in stoking any kind of romantic relationship based on the Internet.   You seem to want this, but he doesn't.  

 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Here, I disagree... IMO he is lukewarm. For me, the issue is that they are dating long distance (they already exchanged a kiss, so I guess we can call it dating), they met only twice in 6 month, and maybe it will be like this for more month. If he doesn't reach out, doesn't call or shows some kind of effort to keep it going or make it progress by at least reach out with a simple text, it's just that he isn't into her enough, or simply not ready to date someone. I don't care if he's an introvert. I am too, I hate phone calls, but I enjoy talking to a guy I'm interested in, which he is supposed to be since they kissed and know each other for a long time now. 

I see it a little differently as stated in my post so won't repeat.  Except to say they're communicating and connecting while apart, which is all that matters imo. 

I don't think it makes any difference who texts first, he's very responsive and puts forth effort that way.  

I'm not much into 'roles" anymore (i.e man chases/pursues, woman responds, etc). Such roles are outdated and don't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme. They're contrived and meaningless, again my opinion.

Especially with respect to texting!  And who texts "first."  

That said, I do agree long distance is difficult and if memory serves @kim42 you were very aware of it being difficult when this whole thing started, 

You knew it wasn't for you due to your insecurities and anxiety, you admitted as such.  

But you chose to go for it anyway.

And here we are..

All the best whatever you decide.

 

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

How do you think long distance relationship work? 

I've never been in one but as of now, phone calls is not something that I'm concerned about.

[Jaunty]

Kim, you are very decisive in your "no phone calls" and "no video calls either" stances ... maybe it will help you deal with this situation to tell yourself that he's pretty much the same way and for him this includes texting.