Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep! Honestly, seeing six pages of people nit-picking and nattering at you, a grown woman, for trusting this 'support' forum with your private desire to visit someone who you've known for years and recently connected with makes me question why anyone would ever come here and want to confide in 'us' as a group.

Splitting hairs on how you may want to try testing your own private ability to avoid plunging overboard into an overly hopeful investment in the guy comes off as badgering and bullying. And frankly? I don't know any-any-anyone who hasn't gone down that road, and regardless of how many well-meaners have tried to warn us not to feel what we feel, you can't police that! For yourself or anyone else.

So just DO IT. This isn't about nitty criticisms posted by strangers, it's about you and your own private choices, which, I hope you understand are not accountable to any of US.

Uhm... but I still want to know how it works out. 🙂

In your corner, and head high.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll keep you guys updated in November 🙂

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'll keep you guys updated in November 🙂

I really do hope it goes well -that you have fun catching up, that you feel comfortable in your own skin, and that you leave feeling at peace with whatever happens next or does not happen next.  Also I think it's good he knows you're going to be there anyway -not making a special trip just to see him.

[kim42]

A little update for those who are still interested.

I'm going on my busines trip amd seeing him this week.

I've been so focused on work that I barely had time to think about our meet, and I'm definitely less anxious than the last time.

We're doing dinner - he sent me a list of places and we chose one together, and he made a reservation.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Im going on my busines trip amd seeing him this week.

I've been so focused on work that I barely had time to think about our meet, and I'm definitely less anxious than the last time.

We're doing dinner - he sent me a list of places and we chose one together, and he made a reservation.

 

 

Enjoy your trip. Have a good time. This is a good way to approach things. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

A little update for those who are still interested.

I'm going on my busines trip amd seeing him this week.

I've been so focused on work that I barely had time to think about our meet, and I'm definitely less anxious than the last time.

We're doing dinner - he sent me a list of places and we chose one together, and he made a reservation.

 

 

Have fun!

[kim42]

Update after the meet. I know some people have been very negative about this so I was hesitant to share this but at the same time, others have been very helpful, so here we go:

 I met him last week during my business trip, we did dinner and drinks, and spent about 5 hours together. I had a good time, he's a gentleman. He was a little nervous at the end and then he kissed me on the lips. He told me he had a great time, and we've been talking about the next visit (him coming to visit me).

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Update after the meet. I know some people have been very negative about this so I was hesitant to share this but at the same time, others have been very helpful, so here we go:

 I met him last week during my business trip, we did dinner and drinks, and spent about 5 hours together. I had a good time, he's a gentleman. He was a little nervous at the end and then he kissed me on the lips. He told me he had a great time, and we've been talking about the next visit (him coming to visit me).

 

I was concerned about your approach to the meeting and purpose. Did you feel less anxious as you’d hoped? Sounds like a lovely evening and hopefully you two will make a plan to get together again !

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Update after the meet. I know some people have been very negative about this so I was hesitant to share this but at the same time, others have been very helpful, so here we go:

 I met him last week during my business trip, we did dinner and drinks, and spent about 5 hours together. I had a good time, he's a gentleman. He was a little nervous at the end and then he kissed me on the lips. He told me he had a great time, and we've been talking about the next visit (him coming to visit me).

 

Glad you had a nice time. Nothing wrong with staying in touch to see what happens if he visits.

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was concerned about your approach to the meeting and purpose. Did you feel less anxious as you’d hoped? Sounds like a lovely evening and hopefully you two will make a plan to get together again !

Thank you, Batya, yes, I was definitely less anxious and more relaxed this time.

[Jaunty]

Sounds good.  I think your next challenge will be to live your life to the fullest, including being open to dating if you actively want a relationship, enjoying the days, without getting hung up on what this guy does or does not do.

 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Sounds good.  I think your next challenge will be to live your life to the fullest, including being open to dating if you actively want a relationship, enjoying the days, without getting hung up on what this guy does or does not do.

 

Yes, absolutely, well said.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, Batya, yes, I was definitely less anxious and more relaxed this time.

Great !!  Pls keep us posted. 

[Sindy_0311]

Hi! How is it going? Did you both keep in touch? 

[kim42]

15 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi! How is it going? Did you both keep in touch? 

Hi Sindy, yes, he asked me to text him on my way back to my country because there were some train issues, and once I got home.

We've been texting each other since I came back, he told me again he had a great time at dinner and keeps mentioning meeting up again. 

[kim42]

Hey everyone,

A little update on this situation.

 

Also, I know we're not dating and I'm also talking to other guys, so it's not necessary to remind me of this 🙂

 

So it seems that him and I have different communication styles when it comes to texting/staying in touch, and it's something that has been bothering me.

 

I know everyone has different preferences when it comes to texting, and normally I wouldn't care about texting this much, but because of the distance and him being unemployed, it's different from my past experiences when it was easy to meet and plan meets/dates.

 

So I last saw him 2 weeks ago, it was great, we have great chemistry in person, we can talk for hours, and he kept mentioning he'll visit me next year (he also mentioned this after we met). 

 

He's never been a big texter to start with and I don't expect him, or any other guy, to talk to me every day, but it's weird to me that he doesn't text me first very often. When I message him, he usually replies very quickly and seems into me, he carries the conversation and asks me questions. He remembers things that I told him, he remembered my birthday and other details.

 

Also, I'll be spending a few days in a city where he used to live later this month, and he told me to send him a message from there, so I think he wants to stay in touch but what bothers me is that I don't know if he would text me after a longer period of time, if I didn't reach out. He does this thing a lot that he asks me to text him in some situations, like when I travel, or when I have an important meeting at work.

 

I don't want to play games, and again, I don't expect him to talk to me all the time, but it would be nice if he reached out to me more. I'm not sure if I should ask him about this - I'm scared of sounding too needy. I'm just unsure about this situation, I'm used to men messaging me a lot more - even when we're not together/dating yet, so then I start to think that he's not as into me as I believe.

 

At the same time, I don't think I should apologize for my needs as far as communication, and I think it's probably best to find someone who has a similar communication style. I thought about simply moving on but I also wonder if I should first ask him about this.

Do you have any ideas on how to approach this with him, without sounding clingy?

 

In the past, I would rarely talk about my needs with men and would focus rather on pleasing them, so I would maybe like to change this.

For the record, he's more of an introvert, does not have many friends and described himself as anti-social.

 

Thanks for reading this and for your advice!

 

[boltnrun]

Do you ask your other friends to text you more?

As you said, you two are not dating so I'm not sure how you would frame asking him why he doesn't text you more. 

[Batya33]

I think that conversation will have to wait if in the future you two decide to start a regular dating thing. To share my future husband was in touch once a week by phone between our first 3 platonic nights out.
A few emails too but like fun stuff. After we got back together- he asked me at the end of our third evening - we spoke daily and we were long distance the next couple of weeks and knew there was potential to then be long distance for months. I’ve never had to ask me to be in touch more for relationship or dating purposes and our daily phone calls were simply out of desire to catch up. Very fun mostly !  we also emailed some during the day. No texting. I didn’t have a phone till I was in my third trimester years later. 

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you ask your other friends to text you more?

As you said, you two are not dating so I'm not sure how you would frame asking him why he doesn't text you more. 

I think this is different from my friends, so I don't think it's relevant how I text with my friends.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He's never been a big texter to start with and I don't expect him.

In the past, I would rarely talk about my needs with men and would focus rather on pleasing men 

Unfortunately as you observed "he's not much of a texter" so this has nothing to with "your needs" or pleasing men.

All you can do is stay in touch if you wish and get together if you like. He really doesn't owe you anything. Sorry it's disappointing, but you are in fact "expecting him" to text you more. 

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately as you observed "he's not much of a texter" so this has nothing to with "your needs" or pleasing men.

All you can do is stay in touch if you wish and get together if you like. He really doesn't owe you anything. Sorry it's disappointing, but you are in fact "expecting him" to text you more. 

Thanks, wise, yes I'd like him to text me more, I just said I don't expect him to do it everyday, in case someone thought that was something I was hoping for.

His texting style is very different from what I'm used to - even with men I wasn't officially dating.

[Sindy_0311]

Why don't you try not reaching out to him to see whether he will. I'm sorry but I have a feeling that the guy is not really into this. He didn't come visit you last summer and doesn't seem eager to see you soon again...Did he invited you to go back to his city to spend time with him? Because from what I understood he isn't financially comfortable enough to come to your city.... 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, kim42 said:

, yes I'd like him to text me more.  His texting style is very different from what I'm used to - 

This seems to be who he is. And you seem to accept him. Unfortunately talking about "your needs", is something for a relationship. 

[kim42]

18 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why don't you try not reaching out to him to see whether he will. I'm sorry but I have a feeling that the guy is not really into this. He didn't come visit you last summer and doesn't seem eager to see you soon again...Did he invited you to go back to his city to spend time with him? Because from what I understood he isn't financially comfortable enough to come to your city.... 

Hey Sindy, not sure if I understand your first sentence.

He didn't come to visit in September because he's unemployed, and that's something I understand, he said several times he'll come once he has a job. I know it's just words for now, but I don't think he would say that if he didn't mean it.

I wouldn't go to his city again just to visit him, I think it's his turn now.

That's the confusing part for me - he has mentioned future visits and plans what we can do next year, he suggested things for next time, he made it clear he wants to meet again, he put effort into planning the dinner (even small details), he texted me the same night and the next day etc. When we text, he sends me long messages, he's enthusiastic, it's just the fact that he doesn't reach out first very often that bothers me.

 

[Batya33]

I think if you’re going to communicate needs then you do use - for your own purposes - the analogy of a platonic friendship. Because in certain situations I would with a platonic friend.  But I haven’t. I just show with actions. Meaning a variation of keeping score. I don’t initiate if it’s not balanced and there’s no good reason for the imbalance. I forgot why you simply don’t wait it out. Don’t initiate and see what he does. He doesn’t need to text. He can: call you. Send you an email, send you a card or holiday card, many ways if he desires to be in contact. 

[Sindy_0311]

37 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Hey Sindy, not sure if I understand your first sentence.

Sorry for my bad English. What I mean is: try not to reach out first. Let him come to you. I think any kind of relationships are based on investment form both parts, something like 50/50. It looks like you are doing more efforts than him to get the communication going. He isn't showing much reciprocity in the sense that he isn't reaching out. some dating coaches would say: Do never invest more than the other person. 

If you don't reach out, maybe the communication will fade until it dies. And that's ok. It just means that he didn't reach your level of interest. I have been dating one guy a few weeks ago. We saw each other twice. he was silent so I reached out once. we exchanged 3 texts and then he just disappeared. Never reached out again... thats how it sometimes goes. People let things slow fade because they aren't into it.

37 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He didn't come to visit in September because he's unemployed

He can't come because he has no money? or is it lack of time.....??

Why isn't he asking you to come visit him again?

37 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I wouldn't go to his city again just to visit him, I think it's his turn now.

 

Did you tell him that? is this the reason why he isn't inviting you? 

Its been 6 month now (or even more) that you are thinking about this guy. you saw him twice, in 6 month. you exchanged one kiss. And now you will have to wait another two or three month to see him again, and in the mean time all you've got is an enthusiastic texts responder and all the fantasies you built around this guy. I'm sorry but this is way to much of energy spent on a guy who doesn't match your level of interest. Just let him for now.