Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to follow up on my last thread about the long-distance guy - that thread is closed because I needed to take a break from it.

 

After I reached out to this guy, we started to text much more, he would update me on his life, send me random pictures (not of himself), and ask about my daily happenings. When I had a bad day, he was very suppportive and wanted to know about every little detail in my life.

 

I eventually asked him about the visit to my city that he had mentioned, and he said he definitely wants to visit me but needs to find a job first - yes, he's still unemployed.

 

Long story short, I realized I started to get feelings and I didn't want to get attached to someone who a) lives far from me and b) doesn't know when he'll be able to visit me, so I decided to distance myself from this.

 

I'm suppposed to go on a date with a different guy next week so that's good news.

 

No questions this time, just wanted to give you guys an update.

 

[boltnrun]

I think dating locally is a smart plan.

Have fun!

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I'm suppposed to go on a date with a different guy next week so that's good news.

That's a great idea. Have fun on the date. Unfortunately the situation with distance guy just seems too complicated.

[Andrina]

Glad of your good news with the local date.

As for the long distance guy, I question the decision-making skills of people who quit a job before having another offer of employment. Of course, there are extreme situations where quitting would be wiser than staying, but it's usually smarter to get another job before leaving a job just because you don't like it.

[Batya33]

Enjoy the date with the local guy!

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'm suppposed to go on a date with a different guy next week so that's good news.

Good, this is a much better avenue to explore.

It's time to put the other guy behind you since there is no telling if he'll ever follow through with a visit. 

[TacticalLinguine]

Oh it’s always nice when users give us updates! Thank you! 
 

I hope the date next week will be lovely 🙂

[kim42]

49 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Good, this is a much better avenue to explore.

It's time to put the other guy behind you since there is no telling if he'll ever follow through with a visit. 

Yes, exactly. As much as I like him, I don't want to get attached to someone who's in this uncertain situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

As much as I like him, I don't want to get attached to someone who's in this uncertain situation.

First want to say I'm happy you played this out and got your closure.  And good luck with new guy! 😀

With respect to what's quoted, wasn't that always the case from the beginning?  That he was long distance and his situation uncertain?  But yet you still chose to pursue it.

So I'm wondering was there something else that caused you to change your mind?   Perhaps something about him after talking more and getting to know him?  

Again, just curious.

 

[kim42]

59 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

First want to say I'm happy you played this out and got your closure.  And good luck with new guy! 😀

With respect to what's quoted, wasn't that always the case from the beginning?  That he was long distance and his situation uncertain?  But yet you still chose to pursue it.

So I'm wondering was there something else that caused you to change your mind?   Perhaps something about him after talking more and getting to know him?  

Again, just curious.

 

Thank you!

I think the fact that he said he first needs to find a job before he can visit me made me realize that this leads nowhere.

I understand the financial aspect, I live in one of the most expensive cities in Europe. 

He didn't do or say anything in particular that would make me change my mind, he's very nice and caring, we had some deep conversations but as I said, I don't want to get emotionally attached to him.

[kim42]

So the date with the local guy didn't go very well, we don't have much in common and there was no chemistry.

There is also another guy that I like but I don't know if he's single.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So the date with the local guy didn't go very well, we don't have much in common and there was no chemistry.

There is also another guy that I like but I don't know if he's single.

So I'm glad it was only one date!  Good luck with the next!

[kim42]

I need to vent a little.

I've been on several dates the past weeks, nothing special so far, either there was no chemistry or the guys were just looking for sex.

I know this is normal and most dates don't lead anywhere. I miss the long-distance guy. I know nothing will come out of that either, I just miss how easy he was to talk to.

Please don't be too harsh, I'm trying my best to get out there, meet other guys and get over him, I'm just having a hard day.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I know this is normal and most dates don't lead anywhere. I miss the long-distance guy. I know nothing will come out of that either, I just miss how easy he was to talk to.

 

Do you think maybe the connection with this man prevents you in moving on? Its hard to move on when you compare in that way. And maybe a short break from dating would do you good. Just until you forget about this man.

On the other hand, if you are doing dating apps, no wonder that is the quality of men you are getting. Its rare to find somebody that would click there and yes, lots of them would just be looking for quick fling and not a relationship.

[kim42]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Do you think maybe the connection with this man prevents you in moving on? Its hard to move on when you compare in that way. And maybe a short break from dating would do you good. Just until you forget about this man.

On the other hand, if you are doing dating apps, no wonder that is the quality of men you are getting. Its rare to find somebody that would click there and yes, lots of them would just be looking for quick fling and not a relationship.

Probably, I know it's not good to compare guys but I think subconsciously I am expecting a similar kind of connection when I go on a date now.

Maybe I should indeed take a short break from dating. I thought that meeting other men would help me forget him but it's not really happening.

Yes, all of these dates were from dating apps.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, kim42 said:

Probably, I know it's not good to compare guys but I think subconsciously I am expecting a similar kind of connection when I go on a date now.

Maybe I should indeed take a short break from dating. I thought that meeting other men would help me forget him but it's not really happening.

Yes, all of these dates were from dating apps.

Been in those dating trenches.  I hope you feel better !

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Been in those dating trenches.  I hope you feel better !

Thanks Batya, I know it's just a phase I need to go through.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thanks Batya, I know it's just a phase I need to go through.

Why do you need to go through this? For me it wasn't a phase -sometimes I met good people with potential, sometimes not.  It's called -dating/

[catfeeder]

Nothing wrong with seeking the kind of simpatico you enjoyed with the unavailable guy. He helped you set a bar.

He also demonstrates for you how rare that kind of connection is to find. Even if you think in terms of the click you only have with one or two friends or family members over all others, this can help you to grasp the needle in the haystack concept of what you seek.

I don’t find that discouraging, just the opposite. It means that such people exist who can view us and the world through the right lens—we’re not all alone, it’s just a matter of diligence and patience and resilience to find them.

So this can help you recognize the importance of screening the wrong ones OUT instead of investing hope in each meet only to be disappointed. That’s why quick meets are important to avoid wasting a whole date night on the wrong people.

Every wrong match you move out of your way is one step closer you move ahead toward finding a good match. Learn as you go how to spend less time investing in the wrong people. Whether that means testing subscriptions to more targeted apps, or at least more private ones that fewer sex-only users or financially undesirable men would likely use. It could mean doing better screening on phone calls instead of meeting based on messaging alone.

But yes, take rests when you need them, just use the time to coach yourself with encouragement rather than psyche yourself into making the process more difficult with damaging self talk.

You don’t need to kiss a lot of toads, you just need to accept that they exist and develop the best skills for you to move them out of your way as efficiently as possible.

Head high!

[kim42]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Nothing wrong with seeking the kind of simpatico you enjoyed with the unavailable guy. He helped you set a bar.

He also demonstrates for you how rare that kind of connection is to find. Even if you think in terms of the click you only have with one or two friends or family members over all others, this can help you to grasp the needle in the haystack concept of what you seek.

I don’t find that discouraging, just the opposite. It means that such people exist who can view us and the world through the right lens—we’re not all alone, it’s just a matter of diligence and patience and resilience to find them.

So this can help you recognize the importance of screening the wrong ones OUT instead of investing hope in each meet only to be disappointed. That’s why quick meets are important to avoid wasting a whole date night on the wrong people.

Every wrong match you move out of your way is one step closer you move ahead toward finding a good match. Learn as you go how to spend less time investing in the wrong people. Whether that means testing subscriptions to more targeted apps, or at least more private ones that fewer sex-only users or financially undesirable men would likely use. It could mean doing better screening on phone calls instead of meeting based on messaging alone.

But yes, take rests when you need them, just use the time to coach yourself with encouragement rather than psyche yourself into making the process more difficult with damaging self talk.

You don’t need to kiss a lot of toads, you just need to accept that they exist and develop the best skills for you to move them out of your way as efficiently as possible.

Head high!

Thank you, this helps me to see things from a different perspective.

I don't open up to men easily and I don't feel this connection often so I think that's why I miss it.

I'm still learning not to waste time on the wrong guys but I do see some progress so that's good news I guess.

[Sindy_0311]

Still you have a hard time letting this go. Maybe because you created a fantasy around what it could have been, or what a relationship with him would have looked like. 
there are few people we connect with. But remember that connection is not always two sided. You felt chemistry but maybe he didn’t, we will never know. The most important thing to remember is that he is not your man. (At least not now) focus on finding meaning in your life and the people you meet. Pursue dating if you feel like to, or take back the energy to yourself, but whatever you decide, I’m sure that you will find what you’re looking for and what you deserve. 
One more thing, there’s nothing bad with needing time to get over a crush. Be patient, have trust and do what’s best for you… 😊

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Still you have a hard time letting this go. Maybe because you created a fantasy around what it could have been, or what a relationship with him would have looked like. 
there are few people we connect with. But remember that connection is not always two sided. You felt chemistry but maybe he didn’t, we will never know. The most important thing to remember is that he is not your man. (At least not now) focus on finding meaning in your life and the people you meet. Pursue dating if you feel like to, or take back the energy to yourself, but whatever you decide, I’m sure that you will find what you’re looking for and what you deserve. 
One more thing, there’s nothing bad with needing time to get over a crush. Be patient, have trust and do what’s best for you… 😊

He told me he felt the connection too. I don't think I've created a fantasy, I tried to look at this as realistically as I could, putting my anxiety aside. That's why I distanced myself from him.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He told me he felt the connection too. I don't think I've created a fantasy, I tried to look at this as realistically as I could, putting my anxiety aside. That's why I distanced myself from him.

Maybe a bit of a fantasy that he wanted a potentially serious relationship since he may have but never acted on it. Watch the feet not the lips. He did feel a connection and he didn’t want a potentially serious relationship with you at this time.  But you maybe told yourself he did ? And got too attached?

[boltnrun]

We could speculate all day long about why he didn't choose to pursue. Bottom line is, he didn't. And that in itself makes him incompatible with you.

It's fine to feel some disappointment in a missed opportunity. But really, he lives far away and you said long distance doesn't work for you due to your anxiety. Again, incompatibility. 

It's hard to be patient but like I always say, love wouldn't be special if we could just go out and get it like a new pair of boots or a latte. 

[kim42]

I don't want to analyze or speculate on what happened or didn't happen, I decided to distance myself from him as I explained from the beginning.

I'm not trying to win him back or anything, I simply miss the connection, especially after all the dates I had.

I think @catfeeder hit the nail on the head, I'm trying to move forward, so no need to analyze his behavior or actions.