Long-distance guy - update

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But that is the thing. She shouldnt attach emotionally to somebody where there is no future. Because it would be a waste of time and energy for her who is looking a serious thing. And moving on would require her more of that time then if she wouldnt see him and just, you know, actually move on from the whole situation. 

I am not against her seeing him. She clearly has a big desire for that. Its her life and she is bound to have good and bad decisions in it and follow them through. Just saying that, according to what she wrote, there is no future there. Like, at all. 

As I said, I believe this could be a learning experience for me, so I'm open to see where it goes.

I don't think this is my future husband or anything but I wouldn't see it in a such a negative way either. 

Again, I'm not looking at this as a date, maybe I won't even like him after all this time anymore, so let's see.

[NighttimeNightmare]

I think what you’re doing is great 

 

this is exactly how you practice detaching from outcomes which will be amazing for your anxiety. 
 

when you truly can detach from an outcome, there’s very little to ever actually be anxious about. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@kim42I deleted my thread which had turned into a debate about your situation which is not where I wanted it to go, so bringing it back here.

@Kwothe28 I am sorry you interpreted my post as "gaslighting," that's not my style at all.  I was simply calling it as I saw it -- me supporting @kim42 on her journey and you advising her to not "go there" as she may get hurt.

I actually respect your opinion and advice even though I didn't/don't agree with it.  I know your heart is in the right place as is mine.

Whether I was projecting in this case or not, I didn't think so but we all interpret the written (or typed) word in different ways.  So if you did, so be.  I admit I have projected my experiences at other times and in retrospect perhaps I was here too, on some level.

I apologize if what I posted offended you.

 

[Kwothe28]

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I apologize if what I posted offended you.

 

It didnt, it takes a lot more to "offend" me. Especially online. I just had a problem with your tone of conversation in discussion. Which was "Gaslighting 101" and childish as I said and explained there there before you deleted it.

But no matter, I do appreciate an apology. At least you have the guts to talk to me and settle our differences directly unlike some others. I think we all want Kim to succeed in her journey. We just have differences in opinion. No biggie. Hoping Kim would keep the thread alive. Also in that interest:

Is meeting very soon or like in months?

What did he suggested to do?

[kim42]

11 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42I deleted my thread which had turned into a debate about your situation which is not where I wanted it to go, so bringing it back here.

@Kwothe28 I am sorry you interpreted my post as "gaslighting," that's not my style at all.  I was simply calling it as I saw it -- me supporting @kim42 on her journey and you advising her to not "go there" as she may get hurt.

I actually respect your opinion and advice even though I didn't/don't agree with it.  I know your heart is in the right place as is mine.

Whether I was projecting in this case or not, I didn't think so but we all interpret the written (or typed) word in different ways.  So if you did, so be.  I admit I have projected my experiences at other times and in retrospect perhaps I was here too, on some level.

I apologize if what I posted offended you.

 

I'm sorry @rainbowsandroses that you had to delete your thread, it was an interesting topic!

Thank you for supporting me on my decision, I appreciate it 😊

 

[kim42]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

It didnt, it takes a lot more to "offend" me. Especially online. I just had a problem with your tone of conversation in discussion. Which was "Gaslighting 101" and childish as I said and explained there there before you deleted it.

But no matter, I do appreciate an apology. At least you have the guts to talk to me and settle our differences directly unlike some others. I think we all want Kim to succeed in her journey. We just have differences in opinion. No biggie. Hoping Kim would keep the thread alive. Also in that interest:

Is meeting very soon or like in months?

What did he suggested to do?

Thank you, as I said on the deleted thread, I appreciate your feedback, even if I have a different opinion.

I'll be meeting him mid-November.

He asked me if there is anything in particular that I'd like to see in the city (I don't know it that well), and suggested some places for drinks.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add -I don't think there's a high risk of you choosing to hook up with him and/or of him "using" you.  He seems like a well meaning/well intentioned person who is interested in hanging out with you when you come to his city - my concern was how you are considering the decision to hang out and some of the reasons why you are interested in seeing him again (I also don't think he'd be making a bad choice to try to hook up- just mean I don't think that's the risk to your well-being/health).

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I wanted to add -I don't think there's a high risk of you choosing to hook up with him and/or of him "using" you.  He seems like a well meaning/well intentioned person who is interested in hanging out with you when you come to his city - my concern was how you are considering the decision to hang out and some of the reasons why you are interested in seeing him again (I also don't think he'd be making a bad choice to try to hook up- just mean I don't think that's the risk to your well-being/health).

Thanks Batya, as mentioned in the now deleted thread, I don't think his intention is to hook up with me. I might be wrong of course, but based on his actions and other things, I don't have this impression.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel you could resist if he makes a move to kiss you? Could you resist sleeping with him?

(I'm not saying you're "easy" by any means.)

[kim42]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you feel you could resist if he makes a move to kiss you? Could you resist sleeping with him?

(I'm not saying you're "easy" by any means.)

I usually don't sleep with men that I'm not in a relationship with so I don't think this will happen.

I have no idea how it will be this time, maybe the attraction/vibe won't be the same anymore, but if it's still there and I feel like kissing him, then I might do it.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I usually don't sleep with men that I'm not in a relationship with so I don't think this will happen.

Exactly. Nothing is going to happen that you don't want to happen. It's fine to let him know you're in town for business and getting together. There's nothing easy or nefarious about that whatsoever. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just one question: did he finally find a job? 

Anyway, I have to say that I wouldn’t meet him if I were in your position. This for two main reasons: 

Reason one: Because you already got the sense that he wasn’t interested in dating you. He said he would come in august, but he didn’t. He never asked to see you or visit you or even invited you to come. He is being completely passive. Which is the reason why you decided to move on a few weeks ago. Yet you are still engaging with him, thinking about him and willing to see him. I think  It doesn’t take long for a man to know whether he likes a girl or not. To me, all his passive behavior says much about his interest level. But by seeing him again, your attraction towards him might grow again… and frankly, I wouldn’t take that risk.  Had you cut contact when you decided to move on, you had avoided this kind of temptation. In my opinion, it’s not helping you.  

Second reason: If you meet and he, by chance, is interested in you, do you think a long-distance relationship would be sustainable? What I understood from your last threads is that you have anxiety and a hard time being chill when you like someone, so would you be able to manage a long-distance relationship with him? 

I asked for his job above because sometimes people pretend it’s all question of bad timing. Some say “right man, bad timing”, but I think that if the timing is bad, then he is just not the right man for you anyway… 
I knew of people waiting years for someone just because, “well you know, it’s just the timing that is bad.” But rather than being stringed along or waiting for a better configuration, we should allow ourselves to move on as soon as possible if interest is not being reciprocated in the moment being. 

Now, things would be different if after cutting contact for month or even a year he would reach out and ask to take you out on a proper date and come to your town and showing some effort. But it’s not the case here... You said he is a gentleman, so I’m sure he knows how to treat a woman he is highly interested in… 

I'm sorry, but I think you shouldn't see him again. You better let his place in your mind vacant for when the right man will show up... You already spent too much time and energy over this guy... 

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm sorry, but I think you shouldn't see him again. You better let his place in your mind vacant for when the right man will show up... You already spent too much time and energy over this guy... 

But she is going primarily as a learning experience -to learn she says to detach from the outcome/manage her expectations -a sort of experiment/to practice detachment?

(Yes otherwise I agree with you and really like how  you put it but she has made her decision and sees it as larger than just meeting -larger for her personal growth)

[boltnrun]

Just now, Batya33 said:

But she is going primarily as a learning experience -to learn she says to detach from the outcome/manage her expectations -a sort of experiment/to practice detachment?

(Yes otherwise I agree with you and really like how  you put it but she has made her decision and sees it as larger than just meeting -larger for her personal growth)

Everyone is different. But I know if I see a man in person whom I'm interested in, and there's any sort of physical and/or emotional attraction, it would make me MORE attached and invested, not less. I wouldn't want to do an "experiment" to see if I can resist that attraction. And if we were to kiss? Forget it, I am going to want to go forward, not backwards. 

But again, everyone is different. Kim, I think it would be a shame if you see him, you two kiss, you feel an even stronger pull toward him, and then although you intend to just let it go and not want to try to pursue anything with him, you end up being frustrated and anxious if you don't hear from him in the way you hope. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Just one question: did he finally find a job? 

Anyway, I have to say that I wouldn’t meet him if I were in your position. This for two main reasons: 

Reason one: Because you already got the sense that he wasn’t interested in dating you. He said he would come in august, but he didn’t. He never asked to see you or visit you or even invited you to come. He is being completely passive. Which is the reason why you decided to move on a few weeks ago. Yet you are still engaging with him, thinking about him and willing to see him. I think  It doesn’t take long for a man to know whether he likes a girl or not. To me, all his passive behavior says much about his interest level. But by seeing him again, your attraction towards him might grow again… and frankly, I wouldn’t take that risk.  Had you cut contact when you decided to move on, you had avoided this kind of temptation. In my opinion, it’s not helping you.  

Second reason: If you meet and he, by chance, is interested in you, do you think a long-distance relationship would be sustainable? What I understood from your last threads is that you have anxiety and a hard time being chill when you like someone, so would you be able to manage a long-distance relationship with him? 

I asked for his job above because sometimes people pretend it’s all question of bad timing. Some say “right man, bad timing”, but I think that if the timing is bad, then he is just not the right man for you anyway… 
I knew of people waiting years for someone just because, “well you know, it’s just the timing that is bad.” But rather than being stringed along or waiting for a better configuration, we should allow ourselves to move on as soon as possible if interest is not being reciprocated in the moment being. 

Now, things would be different if after cutting contact for month or even a year he would reach out and ask to take you out on a proper date and come to your town and showing some effort. But it’s not the case here... You said he is a gentleman, so I’m sure he knows how to treat a woman he is highly interested in… 

I'm sorry, but I think you shouldn't see him again. You better let his place in your mind vacant for when the right man will show up... You already spent too much time and energy over this guy... 

Thank you fpr your reply, Sindy. I think I explained this in the now deleted thread - this is more about me than him now, I want to try approach dating from a different perspective and simply enjoy it instead of being anxious.

 

I don't see any harm in seeing him again, also, it's not like I'm going to his city because of him. Also, our meet in summer was really fun so I don't think there's anything wrong with spending sone time with a man I get along with.

 

He was planning to come to visit me in September but put the visit on hold as he is currently unemployed.

 

As for his interest, I believe he is probably somewhat interested, I don't think he would keep reaching out, stay in touch and want to meet up again if he wasn't interested.

 

I don't think he's completely passive, at least I think of different behavior when I hear 'completely passive'. However, he's definitely not a very confident guy, rather one of those guys who need a little push.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Everyone is different. But I know if I see a man in person whom I'm interested in, and there's any sort of physical and/or emotional attraction, it would make me MORE attached and invested, not less. I wouldn't want to do an "experiment" to see if I can resist that attraction. And if we were to kiss? Forget it, I am going to want to go forward, not backwards. 

But again, everyone is different. Kim, I think it would be a shame if you see him, you two kiss, you feel an even stronger pull toward him, and then although you intend to just let it go and not want to try to pursue anything with him, you end up being frustrated and anxious if you don't hear from him in the way you hope. 

Oh I feel exactly the same -I was simply reporting what her perspective was.  I see tons of unnecessary emotional risk and little if any learning experience/growth.  But I was just clarifying for Sindy since Sindy was taking an approach which didn't seem to take into account the OP's perspective of this as some sort of learning experience with no downside.

[Jaunty]

I think that anyone who has a situation where they've become very interested or attached to another person says they're going into it with "no" or "low" expectations, they are lying to themselves.

I believe that their intention is to have no or low expectations but their hopes and dreams are elsewhere entirely.

That's why generally connections or relationships that failed or never really started are best left in the past, for the sake of good emotional health and self care.

I do not think that seeing this guy is in any way a valid way to "practice detachment."   

A detached person would not go to this meeting.  Period.  There are no things tying these two people together.   She wanted to date, he showed little to no interest, nothing really happened.  They are not "friends."  

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with it, really.  Just a negative setup that the OP will be required to deal with in a way that will be unpleasant in almost any scenario.  

The only way it would not be a negative that I can think of is if OP sees the guy and thinks, "what on earth was I thinking, being interested in this guy?  I'm so bored I can't wait for this to be over."   

Even that is a negative, now that I consider it, because the OP along with the rest of us doesn't need to be wasting time with a person who is really nothing to them.

 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

this is more about me than him now, I want to try approach dating from a different perspective and simply enjoy it instead of being anxious.

I guess it would be better experimenting with men you aren't that attracted too... Because in a sense its like lowering the bar. Sort of accepting to date someone casually when you in reality you want something serious. It's not healthy IMO. Its too risky. But you know what's best for you... 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I think that anyone who has a situation where they've become very interested or attached to another person says they're going into it with "no" or "low" expectations, they are lying to themselves.

 

Exactly what I also think.... 

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sindy was taking an approach which didn't seem to take into account the OP's perspective of this as some sort of learning experience with no downside.

I understood what she said about experimenting. But I don't believe she is being truly honest with herself about it... I just hope I am wrong.

[kim42]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Everyone is different. But I know if I see a man in person whom I'm interested in, and there's any sort of physical and/or emotional attraction, it would make me MORE attached and invested, not less. I wouldn't want to do an "experiment" to see if I can resist that attraction. And if we were to kiss? Forget it, I am going to want to go forward, not backwards. 

But again, everyone is different. Kim, I think it would be a shame if you see him, you two kiss, you feel an even stronger pull toward him, and then although you intend to just let it go and not want to try to pursue anything with him, you end up being frustrated and anxious if you don't hear from him in the way you hope. 

It's not an experiment to see if I can resist him, it's for me to learn to have lower expectations, and to try to have a good time without analyzing every little detail. 

 

I have no idea how this will pan out, maybe I'll end up disappointed, maybe not, maybe I won't even like him anymore, my goal is to learn to detach from the outcome.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I understood what she said about experimenting. But I don't believe she is being truly honest with herself about it... I just hope I am wrong.

Oh I totally agree. Just trying to be respectful.  I remember "experimenting" with casual hookups almost 30 years ago.  I was about to -finally!! -move out of my parents home, and it was the summer between grad school and a great job.  The results:  dated a number of very handsome men. 

Was sexually assaulted/almost raped (twice/two different men I believe same summer), dated a really cool older divorced man with a lot of baggage, had a really fun/sweet vacation fling with a friend of a friend, and totally cluelessly gave incredibly mixed signals to a man I'd been casually dating for a couple of months -luckily he was a gentleman (but just so confused when I said no to sex).  I was trying to be someone I wasn't and simply confirmed that lol.  Didn't need to "experiment" in the least.  And my heart didn't hurt but the two sexual assualt experiences were very frightening.

But again that's just me.  

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

It's not an experiment to see if I can resist him, it's for me to learn to have lower expectations, and to try to have a good time without analyzing every little detail. 

 

I have no idea how this will pan out, maybe I'll end up disappointed, maybe not, maybe I won't even like him anymore, my goal is to learn to detach from the outcome.

Yes that was completely clear to me from the outset and exactly why I had the opinion I did.  

[kim42]

I see that some people over here are seeing it in a very negative way, that's ok, I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

As @Wiseman2 said, nothing is going to happen that I don't want to happen, I believe it will be good practice. I am much more relaxed now than back in summer.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I see that some people over here are seeing it in a very negative way, that's ok, I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

As @Wiseman2 said, nothing is going to happen that I don't want to happen, I believe it will be good practice. I am much more relaxed now than back in summer.

 

 

 

I'm not seeing it in a very negative way.  I'm seeing it as needlessly risking your well-being and personal growth given your mindset and opinion that it's good practice and a learning experience.  To me these risks far outweigh any benefit even if you are being totally and bluntly honest with yourself.  Maybe he's seeing you to practice also, who knows or to test his feelings for someone else he's interested in, etc.  Certainly there are people who are motivated to spend time with another person for "practice."  It might be positive in the sense that you might see there are more effective ways to learn and practice to improve on dating and relationship skills.