Over reacting?

[Goober]

My girlfriend had to go on a business trip with her male boss to New Orleans. We texted back and forth most of the trip as to stay in touch. One evening she stated her day was over and was in for the evening. She and her boss had separate rooms. A little while later she informed me that her boss had asked her to go get dinner with him. She accepted and told me that she was going. After dinner they decided to go for a stroll and see the sights. They saw a street side fortune teller and thought it would be fun to see what they had to say. He said they make a cute couple. A little while later he makes a comment to her about attraction they may have for each other. In case your wondering about age, everyone involved is in their 40’s. She says nothing happened but I’m just not comfortable with whole situation. I feel like she shouldn’t have went out with him. Opinions? Thought? Please help as I’m struggling with the feeling that this is all wrong and she shouldn’t have went with him. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Goober said:

. They saw a street side fortune teller and thought it would be fun to see what they had to say. He said they make a cute couple. A little while later he makes a comment to her about attraction they may have for each other. 

How long have you been dating?  What's interesting is why she's telling you all this. Is she insecure and trying to make you jealous? This detail about the fortune teller is absurd.

The rest of it seems like a typical business trip, but it's unclear why she's rubbing all this cutesy coupley stuff in your face. Have you asked her what the point of that is? 

[Andrina]

9 minutes ago, Goober said:

They saw a street side fortune teller and thought it would be fun to see what they had to say. He said they make a cute couple.

Who said this? The fortune teller?

 

10 minutes ago, Goober said:

A little while later he makes a comment to her about attraction they may have for each other.

Is the fortune teller saying this, or the boss? You're not very clear in your explanation.

Why do you think your gf is telling you this? To get a jealous reaction from you?

If it was the boss saying these things, what was her take on what was happening? If she wasn't outraged and disgusted, then she likes inappropriate attention from men and adores getting a jealous reaction from her main man. If you don't like being in a harem, time to make your leap out of the group.

[smackie9]

Dinner is innocent enough. Her bosses advances, not good, and possibly unexpected. This needs further discussion...not about if anything happened, but find out how she is feeling, how is she going to handle this, and if she said anything to him to put him in his place, and if she didn't why not? 

If she has been shady throughout your relationship, this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. 

 

[catfeeder]

If the two of you have a secure bond, my guess would be that she’s making fun of a fortune teller who couldn’t even tell that they are not a couple.

I would question why you don’t credit the woman you love for being able to handle her career without hooking up with her boss. Has she ever given you a reason to not trust her?

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Goober said:

He said they make a cute couple. A little while later he makes a comment to her about attraction they may have for each other.

Who? Fortune teller or Boss? Because its innapropriate if its from Boss but its pretty standard talk from scamming fortune tellers when they see a couple. Because they dont know the context of their relationship so they just assume a man and a woman are couple and talk the big talk to get money. 

 

1 hour ago, Goober said:

I feel like she shouldn’t have went out with him.

Possibly. It does seem more like a date then professional thing. Is she ambititous? She maybe wants to "play the game" with being friendly with "The Boss". Dont mean in a sexual way, just in a friendly one. 

[catfeeder]

6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

…It does seem more like a date than professional thing. Is she ambititous? She maybe wants to "play the game" with being friendly with "The Boss". Dont mean in a sexual way, just in a friendly one. 

Careful here. If males own free reign to interact with their bosses on business trips, including sightseeing and meals and whatever, then why must a professional woman hole up in her room or face accusations of inappropriate behavior?

We don’t know the context of this relationship and whether this woman has proven herself untrustworthy in the past. But in that case, I’d ask, why would you expect a committed relationship from a woman who you don’t trust to operate in the world without being disloyal or inappropriate?

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I'm wondering as well how long you two have been involved?  And IF you do trust her enough?

IF this was all unexpected, I hope she'll make note and stop going to dinner w/ the boss!

 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Careful here. If males own free reign to interact with their bosses on business trips, including sightseeing and meals and whatever, then why must a professional woman hole up in her room or face accusations of inappropriate behavior?

 

Well, I hate to state the obvious but fortune teller wouldnt say to two men that they look like a cute couple(not that it doesnt happen, just that its very small percentage of overall relationships). But would tell them how they would make a fortune or something. Because you generally dont expect two men to be attracted and sleep with each other. Because most couples are heterosexual. So men mostly wouldnt be facing scrutiny of sleeping with their male Boss. Because in most cases, well, none of them is gay. Men would most likely do the "male bonding" and go to drinks or even in strip club. Too see women naked. But they wouldnt end up in bed with The Boss. While a woman can do even that if she wants. Now if a Boss is a woman then we can see different dynamic. But in this case, its fairly obvious why it can be looked as innapropriate dynamic especially by OP who is her boyfriend.

FYI I am not against her being friendly with her Boss(if it doesnt involve cheating ofcourse). Its a corporate culture out there, I have seen various examples of same from both sexes. Drinking, partying, doing favors, all kinds of stuff. Even innapropriate kind. Just answering your question why one is looked at somewhat differently while other is not look at in that way.

[catfeeder]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, I hate to state the obvious but fortune teller wouldnt say to two men that they look like a cute couple(not that it doesnt happen, just that its very small percentage of overall relationships). But would tell them how they would make a fortune or something. Because you generally dont expect two men to be attracted and sleep with each other. Because most couples are heterosexual. So men mostly wouldnt be facing scrutiny of sleeping with their male Boss. Because in most cases, well, none of them is gay. Men would most likely do the "male bonding" and go to drinks or even in strip club. Too see women naked. But they wouldnt end up in bed with The Boss. While a woman can do even that if she wants. Now if a Boss is a woman then we can see different dynamic. But in this case, its fairly obvious why it can be looked as innapropriate dynamic especially by OP who is her boyfriend.

FYI I am not against her being friendly with her Boss(if it doesnt involve cheating ofcourse). Its a corporate culture out there, I have seen various examples of same from both sexes. Drinking, partying, doing favors, all kinds of stuff. Even innapropriate kind. Just answering your question why one is looked at somewhat differently while other is not look at in that way.

Kwothe, I respect you, but where do you get this stuff? We're not in 1960.

A fortune teller who can't be accurate with what's in front of him/her is FUNNY, not tragic.

Professional women, like myself, are perfectly capable of joining men on business trips and participating in the same manner as any other team member.

Wherever you get the strip club stuff, or whatever other assumptions you want to invent, are well meaning but irrelevant to 2023, because the key word is 'professional'.

I still like you, though. (That's not a come-on. 🙂 )

 

[shouldhavelearned]

She could have politely declined

 

Depends on the expectations and communication you set up ahead of the trip 

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Professional women, like myself, are perfectly capable of joining men on business trips and participating in the same manner as any other team member.

 

I am not saying you, or even OP girlfriend arent. Just answering your question why is it looked differently when a man does it and when a woman does it. 

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am not saying you, or even OP girlfriend arent. Just answering your question why is it looked differently when a man does it and when a woman does it. 

Okay, sorry to go Women’s Lib on you, but not sorry. Don’t use the passive voice as though you are stating some kind of universally accepted fact that “it is looked upon this way.”

No, it’s the way YOU see it.

And I can’t argue with your private opinion beyond wishing you would join me here, in this century.

But when you state such an outdated and unfair opinion as though it’s a fact, I object and check that as factually inaccurate and sexist. And not even useful. To anyone, much less someone who may want to maintain a successful relationship with a successful woman.

So let’s clarify that we can disagree, but one of us is happy about the equality of women, while the other is not yet willing to recognize it. Yet.

Thanks for hearing me out. 

[Goober]

Thanks everyone. To clarify, we’ve been dating for over a year. Yes, the fortune teller implied the comment but later that evening the boss took a shot at “building” from that comment even though he is married.  He’s always overly friendly with her and at this point my frustration is growing. 

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, Goober said:

Yes, the fortune teller implied the comment but later that evening the boss took a shot at “building” from that comment

So, the fortune teller made "cute couple" comments and Boss told her about attraction they have for each other? Yeah, that is not cool and you, and even she shouldnt be OK with that.

[MrMan1983]

For what it's worth I would feel odd about it too from what you have said, and definitely inappropriate of him to carry it on like that. When she was telling you about it was she laughing about it? Also was she acting like there was nothing wrong in what he had said?

[Tinydance]

Well my thoughts are that maybe she actually isn't even into her boss. Otherwise why would she be telling you all of this? If she was into him or wanted to cheat then surely she wouldn't just come out and say all this?

I think that going for dinner when you're on a work trip is probably not weird. If the co-workers are in another city, they have to eat food. And personally I'd rather eat food with my colleague because sitting alone in a restaurant is kind of awkward lol

The boss sounds kind of sleazy and like a flirt. But having said that I don't think it definitely means he's trying to sleep with her. I mean, maybe he is, but he could also just be a flirt.

I think it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is actually into her boss. The fact that she was so honest about it seems to point to that fact. I guess from here onwards she should probably just keep her distance from her boss. So if she can help it, maybe let someone else go on a work trip with him. Or if they go on a work trip and he suggests dinner, she could say she already ate. I mean, the only other option would be to quit the job. 

[boltnrun]

Do you believe she is the type who would engage in an affair with a married man?

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, Goober said:

A little while later he makes a comment to her about attraction they may have for each other. In case your wondering about age, everyone involved is in their 40’s. She says nothing happened...

First off, given he's her boss, her superior at work, that comment was extremely inappropriate, and might even be considered sexual harassment as defined by the US Labor Laws assuming you're in the US.

She said nothing happened, okay but what was her response?   She really should have cut him off right there, thanked him for dinner and gone back to her own room. 

Even if she weren't in a committed relationship she should have done this.  Again, given he's her boss, it was completely inappropriate for him to have said that.

HE should know this as well and by doing so, he placed himself and the company at risk for a harassment claim or lawsuit.  It's the law and most employers are aware of it.  

Unless she IS attracted to him, was flattered and has no issue with having an affair with her married boss, which if true would mean you've got a BIG problem.

I advise talking with her to determine how she's feeling about all this, specifically that her boss expressed his attraction and came on to her. 

The entire situation sounds sketchy imo and my gut tells me there's more to this than meets the eye.

I've experienced this myself from a boss; when we returned from the trip, I sought a transfer. 

And now, putting myself in her shoes, yuck and ick.

[Coily]

I'd be a bit bothered by this too. On the generous side she's looking to be transparent, or thought she could dish to you like one of her BFFs over something odd. On the negative side she enjoyed this side of things and felt guilty.

I'd be paying attention to how she speaks about work for a while. I think it's best to use it a gauge of her future actions, and see if you feel equally unsettled.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dinner is innocent enough. Her bosses advances, not good, and possibly unexpected. This needs further discussion...not about if anything happened, but find out how she is feeling, how is she going to handle this, and if she said anything to him to put him in his place, and if she didn't why not? 

If she has been shady throughout your relationship, this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. 

Bolded, absolutely!  

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Goober said:

 they decided to go for a stroll and see the sights. They saw a street side fortune teller and thought it would be fun to see what they had to say. 

The most important feature here is "they decided". This means she's on board with the attention.

You stated they're overly friendly and he's married. It's confusing why she gave you a play-by-play of their fun night on the town. Whether she's trying to be honest or get your attention.

Have you asked her point blank if she's into him? Not necessarily accusing her of cheating (they can do that anywhere) but to see how she responds.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Goober said:

Thanks everyone. To clarify, we’ve been dating for over a year. Yes, the fortune teller implied the comment but later that evening the boss took a shot at “building” from that comment even though he is married.  He’s always overly friendly with her and at this point my frustration is growing. 

What does the fact that she’s reporting this to you, rather than concealing it, tell you about the likelihood that she would be willing to participate?

I would have a sympathetic discussion with her when she gets home about how she wants to handle her boss going forward.

If you want the outcome to be productive, nix any accusatory tones or implications, and demonstrate that you are on her side as a team. Be patient and listen. Don’t pile onto the problem by treating her as your adversary while she’s trying to navigate a sexism issue in her own career. You’ll thank yourself later.

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain.  She should've declined.  Going out for dinner,  evening stroll,  fortune teller and the "friendlies"  crosses the line professionally between boss and subordinate.  The problem here is that one thing leads to another including infatuation,  temptation or intimate type conversations otherwise not engaged had she dined alone,  ordered room service,  did take out and the like.  In other words,  if a person doesn't want certain risky scenarios to unfold,  then don't provide the opportunity in the first place.  It's not a matter of nothing will happen and everyone on their best,  controlled behavior.  Its a matter of playing it safe and so the lines are not blurred between boss and subordinate.  As corny as it sounds,  many times remaining shrewd,  proper and honorable has its merits for a reason.  I'm more old school and it works very well even though many people find this philosophy outdated.  🤗  Better safe than sorry.  🙄  😋

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I"ll go against the grain...

You didn't go against MY grain @Cherylyn, I agree with you.

Again sounds really sketchy imo, even her telling the OP is sketchy.  

It wasn't because she wanted to be "honest" that gets tossed around a lot in many such situations and not buying it. 

I have a hunch there's more to this story; OP I hope you will update us after you speak with her about it the way it was suggested you speak with her - openly, candidly, non-accusatory.