Ghosted by friend

[Seymore]

A couple of years ago I met a couple through a mutual hobby of ours.  We had become good friends and the three of us would get together every so often.  Over the past few weeks, the wife had confided in me that she was having marriage struggles and we ended up talking more and more.  Eventually she revealed her crush on me and said she'd never cheat on her husband but that she wanted me to know how she felt.  

I told her that I wouldn't let her cheat anyway (even though I secretly had a crush on her for a long time) because I liked the two of them and thought they made a good couple, plus I didn't want to spoil the friendship we had.  I had suggested counseling/therapy and other things...anyway, the other morning she messaged me saying her husband was going to try and work it out, and she needed me as a friend more than anything.  I said of course.  

Yesterday morning I texted her asking how things were going...no response - she would always message me back within a few minutes before.  This morning her and her husband left our hobby group chat and deleted their social media accounts. People in our group are wondering what happened, but I'm keeping my mouth shut.  Regardless, I'm a little taken aback being ghosted as a friend like that, but I'm assuming they're taking a step back to work on things. I'm inclined to send her one last short email saying I hope she's ok and I hope the best for them (without expecting a reply), but am having my doubts about sending it.  Do you think this is a good idea?

[Batya33]

I would absolutely not contact her again. Nor would I consider it ghosting. She was playing with fire and probably wanted no more messages between you two in this situation. Technically ghosting - maybe - but the friendship became incredibly risky so she did her best and prioritized her marriage. 

[Seymore]

You're right.  I was confused why she wanted to be friends if she was going to just drop off completely, but I respect that.  Thank you, I won't send it.

[Seraphim]

Don’t contact again. She obviously told him and the ultimatum was laid out . 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Seymore said:

You're right.  I was confused why she wanted to be friends if she was going to just drop off completely, but I respect that.  Thank you, I won't send it.

She may not have known until the moment. Please know that being friends with a married woman you have a crush on who then confides in you about her marital issues is not a healthy friendship. So it ending this way is because it was risky and unhealthy in the first place. 

[MissCanuck]

57 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Don’t contact again. She obviously told him and the ultimatum was laid out . 

That's exactly what I think happened. 

OP, my guess is that he told her she needs to cut all ties with you (or maybe she volunteered to do so). Don't reach out. She's focusing on her marriage now, it seems. 

[Cherylyn]

Go no contact.  She suddenly pumped the brakes and no longer wishes to confide in you.  Respect her privacy.   Be honorable and have integrity by keeping your mouth shut and leave it at that.  Do not share personal information within your friends group.  Don't reach out to her for your well being.  It would be good to block and delete her from your phone as well as social media.  Time to move on.

[Kwothe28]

Nah, dont contact her. If she needs you as a friend she will contact you. Do you think she was hurt because of rejection?

I would also not meddle because of husband as well. Who knows what she has said to him as well. Its a murky business in general and its very good that you have no contacts there at all.

[SooSad33]

Nope, don't go there.

She is obviously okay.  They chose to pull away from social media and this is how it is.

No reason to send an email on top of your other contact attempt.

[Lambert]

I wouldn't make this about me. Maybe she told him.  maybe she didn't.  Maybe they decided together to just step back from group things and focus on each other. 

Which if they want to fix their marriage is what they need to do.  It's between them. 

You are not part of the story.  She might have had a little crush but she could very well have been reaching for anyone.  So don't blame yourself. Let it all be... stick with your hobby group. and you're right to not mention anything.  Don't be a gossip. 

You never know, in time they may come back around. And you'll have met someone, too. And you can be foursome... Whatever the little crush was, diminish its value in your mind and heart.  It wasn't right. Not that you did anything wrong. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

On 9/6/2023 at 7:41 AM, Seymore said:

I told her that I wouldn't let her cheat anyway (even though I secretly had a crush on her for a long time) because I liked the two of them and thought they made a good couple, plus I didn't want to spoil the friendship we had.  I had suggested counseling/therapy and other things.

First of all, this is pretty commendable. I mean, the bar is set so low anyhow, but I appreciate someone who doesn’t run off and cheat with a woman but rather encourages her to self-reflect and do the right thing. Therapy, etc. That’s truly caring about morality and the individuals involved 

 

but where I would hazard a guess you messed up was keeping your “secret confidential” relationship with her from her husband. Any time there’s “a third” in a relationship it causes a problem. Meaning, if the husband found out she was confiding in you, a third, about their issues, he likely felt betrayed even though there was no cheating, and even though you encouraged correction in their relationship.  Likewise, she may have also felt that secretly confiding in you resembled an emotional affair. 
 

if she comes back and wants to confide in you as a friend, I’d make sure the husband knew and was ok with her divulging their issues to you for emotional support 

[Seymore]

I appreciate the responses. She had been my friend for a couple of years prior to this and was like a sister to me, so even though there was attraction on my end as well, I really enjoyed her friendship above anything, which is why I suggested they work things out. 

Her husband was always ok with me, the three of us had been out to dinner together multiple times in the past month. I'm going to assume she confessed her feelings for me to him. 

A friend asked me if I had seen her post the other day, and because of that I found out the two of them didn't close their social media, they just chose to block me. I guess I'm confused and hurt that a friend would tell me she values my friendship above all, then two days later blocks me without a word. I understand why it happened and I hope for the best for her, I'm just not thrilled how she went about doing it.

Now mutual friends are asking me what happened between us since we were such good friends and now suddenly aren't.  They know something is up, but I just tell them that I don't know, even though I know they don't believe me. So now they're speculating all sorts of childish things, but I'm just doing my best to keep my mouth shut.

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Seymore said:

I appreciate the responses. She had been my friend for a couple of years prior to this and was like a sister to me, so even though there was attraction on my end as well, I really enjoyed her friendship above anything, which is why I suggested they work things out. 

Her husband was always ok with me, the three of us had been out to dinner together multiple times in the past month. I'm going to assume she confessed her feelings for me to him. 

A friend asked me if I had seen her post the other day, and because of that I found out the two of them didn't close their social media, they just chose to block me. I guess I'm confused and hurt that a friend would tell me she values my friendship above all, then two days later blocks me without a word. I understand why it happened and I hope for the best for her, I'm just not thrilled how she went about doing it.

Now mutual friends are asking me what happened between us since we were such good friends and now suddenly aren't.  They know something is up, but I just tell them that I don't know, even though I know they don't believe me. So now they're speculating all sorts of childish things, but I'm just doing my best to keep my mouth shut.

 

Best to remain mum.  Should your friends pry,  simply tell the truth meaning that you will respect her privacy and leave it at that.  There is nothing more to say.  They will take the hint that it's not up for discussion,  period.  If they want to find out through other means,  let them but you stay out of it.  It's not your domain.  Do the right thing and consider anything to do with your friend's private life to remain just that:  private.  Anything to do with your friend is considered off limits.  Let it stay there.  You will be fine. 🙂  Don't fret.  Remain steadfast,  unwavering and honorable.  Have integrity and proceed with your own life.

[Seymore]

Well, update...I'm so livid right now I can't see straight.

I was some of my hobby friends tonight, and they asked me what the heck happened with her. I told them I didn't know, and two of them told me that she's telling people I tried to steal her from her husband and wouldn't leave her alone. 

Friends for two years and this is what she does. I am so hurt. I know calling her out wouldn't accomplish anything so I just have to keep my mouth shut but I can't describe how upset I am by this.

[boltnrun]

That's probably the story she told her husband. He probably called her out for the time she spent communicating with you (don't for one minute think he had no idea she was confiding in you) but instead of confessing she had been inappropriate she chose to blame it all on you. 

At least you know now she's not worth your time and you can leave her in your past. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Seymore said:

Well, update...I'm so livid right now I can't see straight.

I was some of my hobby friends tonight, and they asked me what the heck happened with her. I told them I didn't know, and two of them told me that she's telling people I tried to steal her from her husband and wouldn't leave her alone. 

Friends for two years and this is what she does. I am so hurt. I know calling her out wouldn't accomplish anything so I just have to keep my mouth shut but I can't describe how upset I am by this.

If someone told me this - what your former friend gossiped to your friends-I'd be far more concerned with why she was gossiping about a long time friend and I'd be suspicious about "bias".  Also if someone started to tell me this I'd stop them and I wouldn't have repeated this gossip to you -because what are you supposed to do with that information? Please know that she simply has issues or issues related to what Bolt wrote and just ..... let it go.  I'm sorry.

[Seraphim]

Wow, I am sorry. At least you know now she is a crappy human being . 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Seymore said:

 she's telling people I tried to steal her from her husband and wouldn't leave her alone. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like she threw you under the bus when the husband started questioning your friendship. Definitely delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.