Would you have given a 2nd chance?

[karlak]

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.

During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.

Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.

Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.

Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

[Batya33]

So do you rationalize that his cheating on his gf was ok because she didn't give him enough sex and had a mental illness? So do you think if you had health struggles that let's say prevented you from having sex as often -like a bed rest pregnancy or a severe UTI, etc - are you concerned he'd stray? Also why does it matter to you what anyone else would do if you're sooooo happy?

I am married to my ex-fiancee. One of the reasons I felt comfortable giving us a second chance was because there was no infidelity/lying/disloyalty.  But that's just me.

[smackie9]

Sure why not. Since he was dealing with a person with mental illness he was afraid for her when he broke up with her. It's possible she proved herself unstable and maybe threatened suicide in the past. When he started seeing you, he knew he was stuck. Now it all makes sense why he was dragging his feet....he had unfinished business with her. I can see him distancing himself, pulling away doing the slow fade with her in hopes she would give up on him, but in the end he had to do it. 

Not everyone knows how to handle situations like that. So you better hope he doesn't bury his head in the sand when things get tough. If you were smart you would make sure to let him know he needs to communicate honestly with you about any issues that may come up. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, karlak said:

 we've been together and living together for over a year.  I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.

Try to focus on this part since things are going well. You seem to be concerned about once a cheater, always a cheater? Perhaps given the complications he was playing around at the time. Hopefully he's settled down and as happy as you are. 

[karlak]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to focus on this part since things are going well. You seem to be concerned about once a cheater, always a cheater? Perhaps given the complications he was playing around at the time. Hopefully he's settled down and as happy as you are. 

Yes. I’m scared that the same thing could happen to me one day. It’s hard for me to rationalize how my bf could have done something so bad in the past. He’s such a loving boyfriend now, but sometimes I still get flashbacks. I ask myself why he didn’t let his ex girlfriend go much earlier or why he didn’t tell me the truth about his situation right from the start.

[karlak]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So do you rationalize that his cheating on his gf was ok because she didn't give him enough sex and had a mental illness? So do you think if you had health struggles that let's say prevented you from having sex as often -like a bed rest pregnancy or a severe UTI, etc - are you concerned he'd stray? Also why does it matter to you what anyone else would do if you're sooooo happy?

I am married to my ex-fiancee. One of the reasons I felt comfortable giving us a second chance was because there was no infidelity/lying/disloyalty.  But that's just me.

No. I think that’s just part of the story. I think he was not happy in the relationship for many reasons..

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I would not have given the second chance. It wouldn’t only be that I’d view the foundation of our relationship to be based on a lie, or that he owns the capacity for deception so I could never trust him, but beyond that, he was either stupid by telling me about his breakup, or he was trying to manipulate my consent.

The guy could have kept his mouth shut and gotten away with this. Instead, he either compounded his lousy judgment by using me as his emotional outlet, which was stupid, or, he set me up for future deception where he can say, “I warned you about who I am, and you accepted this about me.”

No matter how I might try to slice this because I liked him, I know myself enough to know that I could not move forward with someone I no longer trusted.

[Cherylyn]

While I'm glad for both of you,  if it were me,  I've learned the hard and very painful way that giving second chances was one of my biggest regrets in life because I wasn't wise the first time.  Most people don't change.  A leopard cannot change its spots.  They are who they are and this is the gamble you take.  I'm risk adverse due to past bad experiences with several people in my life.  I was burned yet again.   ☹️

My story is not the same as yours.  It wasn't cheating nor infidelity per say but betrayal and deceit. 😡 I've come to the conclusion that certain people in my life are "dangerous" meaning I can't trust them if my very life depended on it.  Nowadays,  I tend to err on the side of caution and don't take chances on people anymore.  Once bitten twice shy.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me. 

To sum it up,  I don't want to get hurt anymore.  I've since become very shrewd as I navigate myself in this life.  It is how I survive and I wish I would've known then what I know now.  I think most people would agree to that statement. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, karlak said:

Yes. I’m scared that the same thing could happen to me one day. It’s hard for me to rationalize how my bf could have done something so bad in the past. 

You took a leap of faith staying with him. Hopefully his days of leading a double life are over. 

[Starlight925]

No, I absolutely would have not given him a second chance. He lied and he cheated, and I would have shown in the door right then and there.

[boltnrun]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

he can say, “I warned you about who I am, and you accepted this about me.”

I had an ex tell me this. He said since I knew how he was and went back to him anyway it meant I liked it when he treated me poorly. I had to say he had a point. 

Are you doing things like going through his phone or laptop or social media?

[karlak]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I had an ex tell me this. He said since I knew how he was and went back to him anyway it meant I liked it when he treated me poorly. I had to say he had a point. 

Are you doing things like going through his phone or laptop or social media?

No, I do not go through his phone, of course not!

 

And he is not treating me poorly, rather the opposite. Our relationship has been going well since approx 1.5 years now.

[boltnrun]

58 minutes ago, karlak said:

No, I do not go through his phone, of course not!

 

And he is not treating me poorly, rather the opposite. Our relationship has been going well since approx 1.5 years now.

So what exactly are you afraid of?

[karlak]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what exactly are you afraid of?

I guess I'm scared that the story might repeat one day and then I will be the ex girlfriend. But what worries me more sometimes is to understand how someone so kind could have done something this terrible. 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, karlak said:

I guess I'm scared that the story might repeat one day and then I will be the ex girlfriend. But what worries me more sometimes is to understand how someone so kind could have done something this terrible. 

Because that's a vague statement? I know people who are kind to animals but not people, people who are kind to their friends but not to strangers. Etc.  If you're this fearful that he is not to be trusted why are you with him?  Instead of trying to "understand" why a person you perceive as "kind" could lie to you and deceive you maybe stop the analysis and simply accept -this person who I trusted betrayed my trust in a big way.  

Yes seemingly good people can turn out to be not so good.  I was betrayed by a former moderator on one of my moms groups- she lied to me to get me to vouch for her in a legal matter.  Luckily I refused to do all she requested.  She stole $$$ from many members of the group.  She was an ex-con as I later learned.  And she was sooooo kind.  So nice, such a do gooder.  It seemed.  Does it make me mistrust people generally.  Totally not.  I own my part in agreeing to do what I did(which turned out to be a nonissue) but I also was a victim and she had many victims it turns out.  Maybe she was kind before she committed white collar crimes and lied to people.  Maybe she is rehabilitated now that she served her time again.  People can be kind and also make very bad choices.

But for your purposes -do you trust him now not to do this again?

[karlak]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Because that's a vague statement? I know people who are kind to animals but not people, people who are kind to their friends but not to strangers. Etc.  If you're this fearful that he is not to be trusted why are you with him?  Instead of trying to "understand" why a person you perceive as "kind" could lie to you and deceive you maybe stop the analysis and simply accept -this person who I trusted betrayed my trust in a big way.  

Yes seemingly good people can turn out to be not so good.  I was betrayed by a former moderator on one of my moms groups- she lied to me to get me to vouch for her in a legal matter.  Luckily I refused to do all she requested.  She stole $$$ from many members of the group.  She was an ex-con as I later learned.  And she was sooooo kind.  So nice, such a do gooder.  It seemed.  Does it make me mistrust people generally.  Totally not.  I own my part in agreeing to do what I did(which turned out to be a nonissue) but I also was a victim and she had many victims it turns out.  Maybe she was kind before she committed white collar crimes and lied to people.  Maybe she is rehabilitated now that she served her time again.  People can be kind and also make very bad choices.

But for your purposes -do you trust him now not to do this again?

I would say I trust him him not to do it again. But I still question his intentions and sometimes feel like the second choice. If he loved me as much he says he does, why did he not break up with her immediately? Why did I need to question our relationship status for so long?

[karlak]

Sometimes I really am wondering what he would have done, if their relationship had improved. Would he just drop me and go back to her? Or was it his plan all along to break up with her, but he never found the right moment? I know he sometimes i very perfictionist and this holds him back in many situations.

[boltnrun]

Look, I've done some bad things in my younger days. I actually was unfaithful in a relationship. Now, some would avoid me like the plague and insist "once a cheater always a cheater", which is fine and I get it, but that isn't me anymore. I made terrible choices back then but I have matured and I will never again do something so callous, selfish and deceitful.

What has he shown you in the past few years that leads you to believe he's not all in with you? Are you comfortable with discussing your fears with him?

[karlak]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Look, I've done some bad things in my younger days. I actually was unfaithful in a relationship. Now, some would avoid me like the plague and insist "once a cheater always a cheater", which is fine and I get it, but that isn't me anymore. I made terrible choices back then but I have matured and I will never again do something so callous, selfish and deceitful.

What has he shown you in the past few years that leads you to believe he's not all in with you? Are you comfortable with discussing your fears with him?

No there is nothin that would make me question our relationship right now. But I am an overthinker. And while I love him more than I have ever loved anyone that I've been in a relationship with, I still sometimes think of our beginnings and how it all started. These are the moments when I stark asking question such as: Why didn't he quit the relationship with his ex much earlier? Why did it take him 9 months? What were his initial thoughts when I asked him out on a date? etc...

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, karlak said:

No there is nothin that would make me question our relationship right now. But I am an overthinker. And while I love him more than I have ever loved anyone that I've been in a relationship with, I still sometimes think of our beginnings and how it all started. These are the moments when I stark asking question such as: Why didn't he quit the relationship with his ex much earlier? Why did it take him 9 months? What were his initial thoughts when I asked him out on a date? etc...

That’s not overthinking.  It’s a natural response to recent enough betrayal and you don’t trust his love or commitment to you. 

[boltnrun]

Do you feel comfortable discussing this subject with him?

[karlak]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you feel comfortable discussing this subject with him?

Yes I do, we talk about it now and then and he reassures me and tells me to discuss it with him whenever I feel insecure or when I have qestions

[Cherylyn]

It's like going to Las Vegas.  Chances of winning in your favor are slim to none.  However,  if it works for you and the relationship is successful,  you're very lucky. 

Due to bad experiences with people,  generally giving second chances meant the joke was on me and I was played for a fool.  ☹️  Apparently,  I did not learn from previous harsh lessons which went sorely awry.  After maturing and growing sick 'n tired of deceit and betrayal,  I'm very risk adverse.  Once I catch a whiff of anyone who has a track record of bad behavior,  my radar is up and I dare not not take foolhardy chances anymore.  Better safe than sorry. 

People have to earn my respect and trust.  If they hadn't,  I don't get involved with their life anymore.  I'm done.  I just want to enjoy my safe haven bubble which I've deliberately created for myself and that's it.  Lived and learned the hard way.

[Type O Negative]

On 7/31/2023 at 4:23 PM, karlak said:

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.

During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.

Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.

Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.

Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

Yeah, I would. Good people sometimes do stupid things, myself included. I cheated on my ex-h and left him for the man. My husband left his long-term ex for me. We 'overlapped' at the very beginning, her and I. He cheated on past partners too. So what? Happens. It's called living in the real world, in my book. No-one -not one person on the planet - is a perfect saint who's never made a mistake in their entire life. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, karlak said:

Yes I do, we talk about it now and then and he reassures me and tells me to discuss it with him whenever I feel insecure or when I have qestions

I'm glad he's open to that.  Just -can get old/boring rehashing it -and do you really come away feeling all better? Also what are the remaining questions -because if you ask him "why" he did that - I mean - he did it cause he chose to -he felt like it - no one forced him.