Menopause and Break Ups

[Kampuniform3]

It would be nice to get some advice from someone who has experienced this scenario, as I don’t know whether to abandon all hope, or take a wait-and-see approach. At the moment, I’m still in the latter category.

My partner ended our eight-year relationship three-and-a-half weeks ago, and in a manner that was so uncharacteristic that it was unsettling.  It was almost as if she was a different person, particularly in the final 24-hours. 
 

It wasn’t until I visited my parents, and told them about my experiences with my partner over the last year, that I was able to derive an answer to many of the peculiarities that had occurred over that time. 
 

My father is a doctor, and was reasonably convinced that menopause was the root of it all.

I wasn’t fully convinced at first, until I did a little research.  

Yes, there is a direct correlation between divorce rates, and the average age of women experiencing menopause.

The symptoms are a word-for-word match.

The symptoms are far worse for very slender women.

Initially, I had just assumed that she wasn’t managing well with the stress she was encountering with her workload after receiving a promotion, but there was so much more in her behaviour that I couldn’t fully account for.

She had a difficult time remembering things, and her concentration went to zero; she had effectively stopped working (she worked remotely), and spent all her time reading the news on her phone; her boss had noted her lack of productivity, and storm clouds were brewing; she was irritated by everything all the time; she flew into a rage at the least provocation; she couldn’t sleep; she was having hot flashes to such a degree that her cheeks glowed like red lanterns; she was having issues with dryness, etc.

Yes, it’s obvious to me now, but not so much then, as I was struggling with a mountain of issues myself, and the best I could manage was to be as supportive of her as I possibly could when I could see her struggling. The possibility of menopause wouldn’t have occurred to me for a second.

The common theme in the final six months was the behavioural changes not attributable to work, or relational issues. For the lack of a better word, she just wasn’t behaving normally anymore.  She formed a very active friendship with a woman whose company she found tedious, and who had a political affiliation she found offensive, yet they were inseparable. She abandoned her hobbies, and just seemed to be sleepwalking through her days. There was far more that occurred as well, and all of it was very odd, verging on inexplicable.

Having read more on the subject, menopausal women are inclined to experience irrational levels of anger and irritation towards their partners, and most of them regret their behaviours, and ending their relationships, when the bulk of their symptoms eventually subside.

As I said, even how she ended things was monumentally peculiar, as that simply wasn’t her personality style.  

So, I’d certainly welcome the opinions from anyone who has been through this life-changing process, as I don’t know how to proceed anymore, as it isn’t exactly a normal break-up if my assessment is correct.

 

[Batya33]

I think it's BS.  Many people go through times of challenge in that way - for a woman, pregnancy, for men impending fatherhood, a job loss, an illness or medical condition for men or women, there are many conditions and life stresses that can lead  to added stress, exhaustion, mood swings and in some cases hormonal or similar imbalances. 

This often happens to one or both people in a couple. Individual people who go through these sorts of changes/conditions choose how to get help (therapy/books/meds/talking to friends all of the above), choose how to interact with their partner (i.e. for better or for worse), etc. 

I would not chalk up a break up to menopause ever.  I went through menopause in 2019-2020 in my early 50s and before that I had some weird symptoms - physical mostly some emotional - and I had a "mild" situation as did my mom and sister (we were all the same age when it occurred) and I have many friends who went through it and did not separate or break up or get divorced.  I didn't find it life changing.  I found pregnancy and giving birth life changing. And incredibly hormonal.

It is weird not having my cycle of course and knowing it's never coming back but also since I was done having kids 10 years earlier it's mostly positive lol (and no I didn't gain weight either - I'm not going to get into the science of that but my sense is that menopause doesn't cause weight gain directly - it also matters about the lifestyle the person chooses just like even though pregnancy causes weight gain -how much weight and how soon it comes off after often is because of individual decisions with exceptions of course.)

I know of women who are happily married who had PPD/PPA, I know of me who had a stroke when our son was 12 days old (fully recovered) which meant -new mom/new city/newlyed/unemployed/busy traveling husband while on blood thinners and going through doctor visits, MRIs etc.  No we didn't separate -if anything we were closer than ever. 

My friend's husband has late stage cancer while they have 3 young kids and he has horrible side effects from chemo including I'm sure mood related stuff - and she is his caregiver and they are together.

My dad had BPD.  They ended their marriage after 62 years.  Because he died.  He had irrational anger/mood swings, etc - they argued, they fought at times (not physically!!) and he chose to get therapy and be on meds etc and continue his career of 50 years.  

I don't know what you're reading and I'm sure in many instances of hormonal changes or similar conditions as I've mentioned people choose to walk away from partners but no I don't buy that that was the "cause" of your break up -as an adult she was responsible for choosing how to react to her changes and to get help and if she felt like ending things because she felt poorly that's her choice but the menopause isn't "the reason."  She is the reason.

[Seraphim]

For me menopause was absolutely horrendous, horrendous, I barely knew who I was to look in the mirror , my temper was ferocious, basically I was an alien for 5 years until I was done . However , my reproductive system has always cause me really really bad problems . I never left my husband though . 

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

there is a direct correlation between divorce rates, and the average age of women experiencing menopause.

Or maybe those women are tired from decades of a man's BS and finally find the courage to hightail it. 

[Seraphim]

Also for many retirement and menopause correlate and people realize they have nothing in common anymore . 

[Kampuniform3]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't know what you're reading and I'm sure in many instances of hormonal changes or similar conditions as I've mentioned people choose to walk away from partners but no I don't buy that that was the "cause" of your break up -as an adult she was responsible for choosing how to react to her changes and to get help and if she felt like ending things because she felt poorly that's her choice but the menopause isn't "the reason."  She is the reason.

I’m reading medical journals, and soliciting advice from my father who is a doctor.

Menopausal induced psychosis is a dissociative disorder caused by hormonal imbalances.

The body of medical evidence is indisputable.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

I’m reading medical journals, and soliciting advice from my father who is a doctor.

Menopausal induced psychosis is a dissociative disorder caused by hormonal imbalances.

The body of medical evidence is indisputable.

Yes there are disorders related to menopause, just like there are to pregnancy,  as well as related to chemical imbalances in both men and women.  I don't think it's anymore related to breakups than any other condition or that it is the cause of your breakup.  Please do read what I wrote.  I wrote nothing of the kind as far as disagreeing with what menopause can relate to or cause. I think in your situation you're barking up the wrong tree.

If she indeed had a psychosis that was untreated that is not something you are likely to find out. I wouldn't speculate.  Many people would love to believe that their partners left "because they were crazy" or the like.

[Kampuniform3]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Or maybe those women are tired from decades of a man's BS and finally find the courage to hightail it. 

It’s directly correlated to the average age of menopause.  Your supposition isn’t mathematically plausible, and might even suggest a personal bias. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

It’s directly correlated to the average age of menopause.  Your supposition isn’t mathematically plausible, and might even suggest a personal bias. 

 

37 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

For me menopause was absolutely horrendous, horrendous, I barely knew who I was to look in the mirror , my temper was ferocious, basically I was an alien for 5 years until I was done . However , my reproductive system has always cause me really really bad problems . I never left my husband though . 

I had horrible PMS from teens onward for many years -most of it was horrible cramping, debilitating and it affected my relationships because -if I didn't take advil fast enough I'd be in bed for over an hour and if I had plans well those plans had to be cancelled as I was too sick.  I also had hormonal issues from a certain birth control pill and gained weight and felt like dog crap for 6 months.  Seraphim I am so sorry you endured this.

[Kampuniform3]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's anymore related to breakups than any other condition or that it is the cause of your breakup.  Please do read what I wrote.  I wrote nothing of the kind as far as disagreeing with what menopause can relate to or cause. I think in your situation you're barking up the wrong tree.

I did read what you wrote. If research states that there is a direct correlation, and there is a body of medical evidence in support of the correlation, the it doesn’t mean that I am barking up the wrong tree…by definition.  

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I had horrible PMS from teens onward for many years -most of it was horrible cramping, debilitating and it affected my relationships because -if I didn't take advil fast enough I'd be in bed for over an hour and if I had plans well those plans had to be cancelled as I was too sick.  I also had hormonal issues from a certain birth control pill and gained weight and felt like dog crap for 6 months.  Seraphim I am so sorry you endured this.

I had horrible cramps as well and fibroids from my teenage years and would just pour blood and clots and caused me severe hemorrhage with my son’s birth and caused 4 miscarriages . I am so HAPPY menopause and periods are done . 

[Batya33]

Just now, Kampuniform3 said:

I did read what you wrote. If research states that there is a direct correlation, and there is a body of medical evidence in support of the correlation, the it doesn’t mean that I am barking up the wrong tree…by definition.  

I think it does.  I don't think there is any more of a correlation than with any other disorder or medical condition.  Many many people because of a drastic life change (I listed examples above) choose to react by ending relationships.  That is the correlation.  That person because of the illness/condition/life change left their partner. Maybe the person didn't get help/didn't want to get help or felt their partner was being too burdened by their illness or wanted to be alone.  In your particular situation despite "statistics" if they are true I don't think you should speculate particularly since you cannot ask her if she has psychosis.

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

might even suggest a personal bias

Well, no.  don't have a dog in this fight. You do, however. 

8 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

If research states that there is a direct correlation, and there is a body of medical evidence in support of the correlation, the it doesn’t mean that I am barking up the wrong tree…by definition.

It  means you don't understand the difference between a temporal and causal relationship. It also means you don't quite understand what confirmation bias is. 

What you're suggesting is that menopause causes divorce. Can you link us to the peer-reviewed medical research which concludes so? 

[catfeeder]

I can understand why it could be comforting to attribute a breakup to a diagnosis, because then it might follow that if the condition is addressed, the relationship may be repaired. And I believe that this may sometimes be true.

We just don't have the crystal ball to foresee what kind of case will play out for ourselves, and neither does anyone else.

Here's something typical. Say a marriage is falling apart and a family is suffering due to, what they can all point to as Dad's drinking. They have a successful intervention and Dad completes detox and rehab, and when he comes home the problems are even worse. The whole dynamic of Dad's relationships have changed with each member of his family, his job and his community.

Another caution is that many women, regardless of whether we suffer pre-menstrual distress, menstrual dysphoria, difficult pregnancies, postpartum disorders, pre, post or menopausal conditions, one thing that we often resent the most is someone assigning 'that thing' as the 'cause' of our legitimate wants, needs or decisions.

This opinion doesn't discount the research, but it can just FEEL something like an obese person being told that they are overweight, and therefore, that's not only why they feel so lousy, but it's also the reason they hate their job or no longer want to live with their partner.

As for holding hope, I have never been one to encourage abandoning hope when it comes to a rupture in a long term relationship, except where one partner is abusive, dishonest, a financial saboteur or an addict. However, I believe in using a form of private mind control to place that hope on a back burner, where it won't interfere with personal growth and development and pursuits of career, business or hobby goals.

In other words, I don't believe in using hope as cold comfort to delay the pursuit of happiness solo. If you can financially afford to put off a legal outcome with regard to your shared assets, then you are entitled to do that. And really, after only 3 months, you are still grieving, and grief is rarely a 'good' time to make life-altering decisions.

Head high, Kamp, and hang in there. 

[boltnrun]

I just so happened to read your post on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread.  Boy, there sure is a different tone on that post!

Things have been very, very bad for a long time according to that post.

I doubt, based on what you wrote there and your other thread, that once she gets through menopause she'll magically turn into someone with a completely different, calmer personality.

BTW, every woman experiences menopause in a completely different way.  I had zero symptoms other than night sweats (and of course my periods stopping).  The only other physical manifestations were, for some reason my rack got a lot bigger and I put on some weight (probably why my rack went up two sizes and two cup sizes 😆).  But vast personality differences?  None.

[Seraphim]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I just so happened to read your post on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread.  Boy, there sure is a different tone on that post!

Things have been very, very bad for a long time according to that post.

I doubt, based on what you wrote there and your other thread, that once she gets through menopause she'll magically turn into someone with a completely different, calmer personality.

BTW, every woman experiences menopause in a completely different way.  I had zero symptoms other than night sweats (and of course my periods stopping).  The only other physical manifestations were, for some reason my rack got a lot bigger and I put on some weight (probably why my rack went up two sizes and two cup sizes 😆).  But vast personality differences?  None.

Afterwards my personality went back to normal. However , 30 pounds appeared out of nowhere. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this. 

The end of such a long relationship is a massive detonation to the heart and sense of self, so it's understandable that you're looking for a reason, something you can hold in the palm of your hand and say, "This is why she left me." Doing so keeps some of the pain away, and gives you a sense of a control at a time when everything feels like chaos. Thing is? There are very real shortcomings to trying to have that control rather than just accepting that you have none.  

What I mean...

Did menopause play a role in all this? That math doesn't jibe with me because I don't think relationships are machines, where one cracked gasket causes the whole thing to sputter. Further, what I find a concerning about the above is that it creates a narrative where the unraveling is 100 percent a her thing, and 0 percent a you or a you two thing. It's a riff on a very old and unfortunate story where "female problems" mint another male victim, and if I'm completely honest I can't help but wonder if there's a correlation between this way of thinking and the atrophying of things between you two.   

I get the comfort in it all, don't get me wrong. She snapped, she'll eventually realize this, regret this, and come back—that there allows for a good night's sleep, even in tough times. But it (a) removes your own role as half of the relationship and (b) takes away the very hard truth that most things end simply because over time two people who once worked evolved into two people who no longer do. Rarely is it any one person's fault, and certainly not the fault of something like menopause. It's many, many paper cuts, so to speak, along with the mystery of other people, and how over time they can change shapes and no longer mesh.

 

 

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

I’m reading medical journals, and soliciting advice from my father who is a doctor.

Menopausal induced psychosis is a dissociative disorder caused by hormonal imbalances.

The body of medical evidence is indisputable.

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

It’s directly correlated to the average age of menopause.  Your supposition isn’t mathematically plausible, and might even suggest a personal bias. 

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

I did read what you wrote. If research states that there is a direct correlation, and there is a body of medical evidence in support of the correlation, the it doesn’t mean that I am barking up the wrong tree…by definition.  

I wrote my post above before there were any replies, but forgot to hit submit. 

Anyhow, highlighting the above because this tripling down on your belief, and flat out dismissing other points of view, is a quality that can take a toll on a person, and a relationship. Is that a factor in the equation as well? I don't know. I just know that it's my personal belief that blaming everything on another person, or forces outside of your control, is inherently to create some pretty major blind spots. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

.The body of medical evidence is indisputable.

Yes, but is it applicable? She may have this and all these symptoms in addition to the relationship ending and being strained for other reasons. They're not mutually exclusive.

So she could have ended things for any number of reasons in addition to going through menopause. There's usually not just one factor in a relationship's demise.

Read up on the phenomenon of "Gray Divorce". It  touches on many of the things you're mentioning including physiological changes in midlife.

[Seraphim]

I agree blaming a relationship demise on “ female issues “ isn’t a good look. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Anyhow, highlighting the above because this tripling down on your belief, and flat out dismissing other points of view, is a quality that can take a toll on a person, and a relationship. Is that a factor in the equation as well? I don't know. I just know that it's my personal belief that blaming everything on another person, or forces outside of your control, is inherently to create some pretty major blind spots. 

Yes, one reason medicine is considered an art beyond the science is because a correlation doesn’t necessarily imply causation.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I doubt, based on what you wrote there and your other thread, that once she gets through menopause she'll magically turn into someone with a completely different, calmer personality.

BTW, every woman experiences menopause in a completely different way.  I had zero symptoms other than night sweats (and of course my periods stopping).  The only other physical manifestations were, for some reason my rack got a lot bigger and I put on some weight (probably why my rack went up two sizes and two cup sizes 😆).  But vast personality differences?  None.

Agreed.  Same here btw re: hitting menopause.

Either way, everyone reaches that in time.  Whether it may have possibly 'contributed' to the fact she hit that stage in her life, you may just be assuming too much in it all.

Fact is, she's no longer with you.  This is what you need to work on accepting.

 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I agree blaming a relationship demise on “ female issues “ isn’t a good look. 

Agreed.  It's just a "convenient excuse" to lay the blame on the female for the demise of a relationship (imo).  It always takes two - with or without menopause. If one digs a little deeper, within, sometimes the surprising answer lies there.

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's BS.  Many people go through times of challenge in that way

^ Agreed.  If menopause was linked to relationship break-ups, then almost every relationship on the planet would end. Just sayin'.  More likely, the most common reason that led to the break-up would be years of little annoyances and peeves building up to the point of "I'm done".  If it happens to be at the time of menopause, doesn't make it a case of "menopause caused this" (imo).

[Tinydance]

I can't speak from experience because I haven't gone through menopause myself  (but getting there :p). I think that even if menopause contributed to your break up, it probably wasn't the sole cause of it. Although if it's been about a month since she broke up with you, she might still reach out to you once she's feeling better. I would be surprised if a lot if women leave their partner just because they're going through menopause. Maybe people can grow apart after a long time together but I doubt menopause is the only reason.