Very confused

[MikeB12]

Hello, I am in a confusing situation at the moment and looking for some friendly advice and some feedback from people who are, or have been, in a similar situation.

I connected with woman online probably about 5 weeks ago or so. Seemed to hit it off pretty good, got her number etc and conversation seemed to be flowing well. Went up to visit her a month ago today (she lives about an hour and 15 min away from me). Both had an awesome time, wanted to meet up again etc. 

Conversation started to fizzle a bit but I know she has her own business as a second job and has been busy with that so we didn't talk much over the next week or so after we had met. I ended up sending her a gift card (for her belated birthday) to an establishment she goes to often. This prompted a reply to which she seemed super appreciative and even apologized for not responding to me (we didn't talk for like a week or so). She wasn't sure if I was interested but this gift card confirmed that I was. She said she was interested also and wanted to hang out again so seemed like it was a misunderstanding on both ends but she said she wanted to hang out again. 
 

We made plans to meet up on Sunday the 11th (two weeks ago tomorrow). She texted me that morning and said she couldn't make it, as she was swamped with her business. I said that was totally fine. She works remotely but also works in another town a few days a week. She mentioned after canceling plans on Sunday the 11th that she would be working in that other town Mon, Tue and Wed of that week and she said we should try and meet up. I said great. Didn't hear from her in a few days. So I texted her that Wednesday (the 14th) to see if she wanted to try and meet up after work that day (again, SHE was the one who mentioned we should try and meet up). I did not get any reply at all. I texted her last Saturday (a week ago today) with a simple "how's your weekend?". No reply at all.

At this point, I haven't heard anything from her in almost two weeks. I do know she's super busy with work and stuff but honestly I'm kind of irked that I haven't gotten a reply, especially as she's been super active on social media this whole time. She told me after that first initial misunderstanding that she was definitely interested in hanging out, but now I don't know. Is she really just super busy? Maybe she forgot to text back? What bothers me is that I feel at the very least I deserve a response but I'm not getting one. 
 

I don't want to get into a situation where I'm bothering her but honestly I think it's kind of bull*** that she's been all over social media, yet hasn't had the decency to reply to me. 
 

Obviously, at this point I know she's not going to respond to my last text. Should I just let it go or send one more text just to try and get an idea of where she's at? The first time this happened, as I mentioned, she seemed super apologetic that she didn't reply and said she should have responded but now I just don't know what the deal is. 
 

I've been ghosted plenty of times before, but I just feel like this one seems wrong, considering we had a great time hanging out and she said she was interested in hanging out again (unless that was just leading me on). Like I said, she also seemed super appreciative of me giving her the gift card. I don't know, I just feel like she's blowing me off now and it seems wrong. 
 

Any advice or anyone who has been in a similar situation would be great. I'm totally fine if for whatever reason she's no longer interested, but I think at the very least I deserve a reply because I'm getting mixed signals. She told me she was interested yet now hasn't communicated in almost 2 weeks. Thanks!

[MikeB12]

Also just as a quick follow up, I mentioned she has been on social media a lot yet not talking to me. To be fair, most of that is related to her second business. Which is why I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

honestly I think it's kind of bull*** that she's been all over social media, yet hasn't had the decency to reply to me. 

This says it all. "The decency"?   You're already enraged.  She also seems disinterested.  Move on.

[MikeB12]

Yes, "the decency". Why should someone just flat out stop talking to someone without any rhyme or reason? And no, I'm not "enraged". Just irritated. And I think I have every right to be. But I appreciate your feedback. 

[kehratha]

Well, I think no one can be so busy. If she would like to continue, be sure that she would find the time to meet you. Try not to take it too personal. She's dating online, this means she can have many other possibilities and so do you. 

You might like her and how the date went, but maybe she didn't feel the same. Maybe she was trying to let you down easy, instead of bluntly telling you.

We don't know, but is kinda obvious is that she's not interested.

You can throw a message if you want, but after 2 weeks seems pointless.

[MikeB12]

@kehratha thank you! Yeah it's just weird and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. This day and age, every one has their phone on them at basically all times. 

[Lambert]

 a good general rule of thumb is to take people at face value based on actions. 

Everyone is busy. Everyone is in their phone all the time.

She is showing you she is not interested. is it a bummer? sure.  but one or two meetings, she doesn't owe you.  

Part of meeting people is to determine, if you're interested in knowing more. I think you know all you need to know about her to know she doesn't see things the same as you do.

Not everyone is going to hold the same ideals as you.  Try to brush off the irritation. This person was a blip in your life and should be reduced to that in your thoughts, too.

 

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt follow up with anything. She canceled a meeting and never even bothered to answer about another date. Or just to answer a message at all. People who are interested would find a time for you. People who are not would do just what she did. Fizzle out in time, not answer messages etc. There is no need to spend your time anymore on person like that. Even if she messages later down the line after she remembers you exist.

[smackie9]

Get the hint. If they don’t stay consistent then just stop beating a dead horse. Walk away. Doesn’t matter if you think you hit it off or the date was good or they were receptive at the time. They could still feel  no attraction. You have to assume they are dating others and you are just an option in a sea of opportunities.

women don’t like confrontation and probably had bad experiences rejecting guys so they go the passive route to avoid any backlash. 
So when they keep delaying, say how busy they are, have to deal with family issues, have exams, new job is stressful etc, that means not interested. Ditch them. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, just chalk it up and move

Find someone closer and "less busy "

[MikeB12]

@shouldhavelearned thank you! That's probably what I'll do. It's just weird because she seemed super apologetic the first time she went silent and even admitted she should have replied. That's why I'm confused that she's gone silent again but this time seems fine with it 

[MikeB12]

Also, if anything, I think she's the one that looks kinda bad because if she doesn't reply again, she left two questions unanswered so I think I've done all I can do. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this. 

But, alas, this is the more common outcome in dating than all the others. Me, I don't even think of this as "ghosting."  That's like calling a bruise on a shin a broken leg. A bruise on the shin hurts, no doubt, but why use language to amplify the pain? 

You chatted for a while, had a nice enough first date, but she was already fizzling on you. All good to go for the mini Hail Mary with the gift card, because #yolo and so on, but it wasn't quite enough to nudge her out of the fog of lukewarm interest, at least not in any real or sustainable way. That stings, no doubt, because it clashes with what you'd like and the narrative you had running in your mind. 

But your narrative was not hers, and that's what she has very clearly communicated. Feel the sting and let it go. 

   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MikeB12 said:

Why should someone just flat out stop talking to someone without any rhyme or reason? 

She seems a bit flaky. Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. No one is "too busy" for something they're interested in.

Try to view this as not a good match. Rather than get irritated, get busy messaging and meeting others.

[Batya33]

My take on this -the "I didn't know if you were interested" is "I wasn't that interested and I've moved on to other options but this way I put it on you and avoid a confrontation" -then she can tell you later if forced "I didn't think you were that into me so I moved on and met someone else" etc.  

I think the bday gift given you just met once was a bit overkill/too much.  I also agree with Bluecastle's take.  I'd move on. I'm sorry. (No -from personal and vicarious experience no one is that busy and we made time with landlines and later email/IMs for many years no matter how busy)

[Andrina]

It's bizarre that someone who's regularly swamped with business would agree to date someone an hour and 15 minutes away. But anyway, even if YOU are not swamped with work, unless you live in a podunk town with very few prospects, it's best to limit dating to a bit closer distance that's doable.

It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, so don't be spending a lot of money this early on, such as you did with the gift card. Save that for someone who you have gotten past the honeymoon stage with, and it looks like it's heading to longterm.

Your mistake is your double and triple texting after no response. If a person needs poking and prodding and isn't excited to contact you regularly, why would you want any more to do with her?

Not everybody has the ethics, guts, decency, whatever you want to call it, to tell you they no longer want to communicate/date, etc. So when that's the case, you have to realize that their lack of contact means the same thing, even though they haven't voiced that to you.

So my advice is to consider that the words and the actions have to match, that you shouldn't put in one-sided effort, and that it's okay to tell someone, "This relationship isn't working for me" if a person is lacking in any must-haves. In this case, she has faded away, so let her and block her number, so that she doesn't waste your time in the future if she's having a dry spell.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

Didn't hear from her in a few days. So I texted her that Wednesday (the 14th) to see if she wanted to try and meet up after work that day (again, SHE was the one who mentioned we should try and meet up). I did not get any reply at all. I texted her last Saturday (a week ago today) with a simple "how's your weekend?". No reply at all.

Leave it be now.  No reply says enough. Expect no more.

IF someone is truly interested, they'll show it. And it only take seconds to reply to someone.

And do not be 'friends' with her etc on social media.  No need.  So many times I tried that & just removed them eventually.  I then came to learn unless we're for real, no need to even add them etc to my list 😉 

 

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

Yes, "the decency". 

My point is, if you already think that she lacks common decency, why bother?   After all, this is a stranger you met one time.  She did thank you for the gift card, and then things just fizzled out.  it happens.  Move on.

[catfeeder]

I think she liked you but then she learned that an hour and a half away was not a realistic distance for her. Of course it would have been kind to tell you this, and her behavior is a form of communication that shows you exactly why you deserve better than a coward for a date.

Head high, and shoot for someone closer.

[MissCanuck]

Don't keep messaging her, OP.  You shot your shot several times with no response now.

It's disappointing but it's clear as day that she isn't interested and didn't have the stones to be honest and tell you that. 

[Sindy_0311]

I agree with others. She’s not interested. But also have to say that when it happens to me, when I date someone and have another prospect in mind I tend to not reply or make time for second option. Usually they would reach out again a few days or weeks later and ask again. Sometimes I accept to see them again, even if interest is not really there, and  sometimes not, I just explain that I didn’t feel the spark etc… but even by explaining it, they would insist or try to turn it into a hookup thing. So it’s often easier to just not respond at all. It gives a clearer signal.
I suggest you leave it to that point. And if you feel like to, reach out again in a few weeks to check on her. Her number one prospect might not be in the frame anymore… 

sorry this is happening to you… it’s so irritating… you are right. 

[MrMan1983]

Been there. It’s certainly frustrating the whole ghosting thing in modern day dating. I personally couldn’t imagine ignoring someone that’s asked a direct question about meeting up. Would just write this one off unfortunately, dust yourself off and move forwards 👍🏻 

[MikeB12]

Thanks all. It's really eating at me still, to be honest. I did unfollow her on instagram (the only social media outlet which we were connected). Part of me wants to just let it go but another part of me wants to kind of call her out a bit. And I don't mean it in like a rude or a disrespectful way. More like a "hey, haven't heard from you in a few weeks. Hope all is well. I know you're super busy and I understand that but last we talked you told me you were interested in hanging out but now it's been 2 weeks with zero communication". Etc 

[MikeB12]

I don't think it would necessarily prompt a response (though the first time she was silent for about a week she opened up and was super apologetic for not responding.) but if nothing else would maybe get this off my chest a bit and least kind of put it in her head a bit that she's kind of in the wrong.

if she's no longer interested for whatever reason, thats totally fine. But don't tell me you ARE interested and then not talk to me for two weeks because now either she either lied to me about being interested/meeting up (aka leading me on), or she's just totally blown me off. Or some combination of the two 

[Sindy_0311]

Someone told me someday: there’s no use in calling people out… you won’t earn anything. She’s silent, so give her the silent treatment as well. Show her you have enough self respect to not accept those kind of wishywashy behaviors.