Should I Get a Divorce?

[sueland]

Good morning, everyone,
I need to make a decision in the next few days about my marriage, so I need some perspective and advice please !

Since my husband and I got engaged in 2021, his mother has taken up too much space in our intimacy as a couple. By constant harassment on the phone
(20 to 30 calls / day), plans where I am not invited, criticism and open disrespect to me, in so many ways, in front of my husband who never reacted. She always had an opinion about how we should manage our household (ex: I should do all the chores because his son is too manly to help), gets jealous if my own husband gives me a gift, invites me, etc. It's still crazy to me honestly. When I was pregnant and feeling scared of being a mother, he told me that after giving birth I'll be free to divorce and that his mother will raise my little baby girl better than me.

I have always been patient, respectful, never reacted to her provocations, bought her gifts, traveled with her, visited her, etc. And tried to explain to my husband, soooo many times, that he was the one that should make sure that some lines are never crossed. He did nothing until the day I red other insults about me, without any reaction from him, I decided that I'm not accepting this situation anymore, and told him that I was getting a divorce.

I think this was the first time he realized that there was a REAL issue and he promised to get everything in order if I gave him a second chance. Now, I don't know what he exactly told her after that.

One thing I'm sure about is that he sent to her my voice messages where I was talking about this problem and how I wanted to get a divorce because of it. What happened afterwards is completely mind-blowing to me: she started harassing me at midnight on the phone, telling me me that I wasn't taking care of her son, that I was making his life miserable, that I was not a good wife, that she doesn't want me anymore, that I want to steal him from her, she started calling me a w**re in front of her son, and told him that he had to make a choice: it's either her or me. The next day, we were at home, me and my husband, trying to figure out how to overcome what just happened when she called him. He told her he was with me : she started yelling at him, insulting him, insulting me again. She came to our house right away, started yelling in front of all our neighborhood that I was a wh*re, that she's going to ki** me if he stays with me or to commits suic*de !!! She called my own parents to tell them how she hates them,  that I was a wh*re, that she doesn't want me in her son's life etc. 

What hurts me the most is that she knows every little secret between me and my husband, some very intimate and difficult moments between us... even our fights, our dreams, our everything... was shared with her this whole time. My husband now tells me that he has faced his whole family for me, that he doesn't want to lose me, that he understands his mistakes and is not going to make them again. He has apologized hundreds of times, met with my parents to apologize for everything and wants another chance.

But I really wonder how this couple could survive after everyone: families, neighbors, colleagues, EVERYONE, have known all every little detail of our intimate life and how we will be able to have children, one day, in such conditions.
I feel that my trust in him has been lost, that there is a lot of resentment and I am not sure that love alone can fix that, because yes, I still love him.

What would you do ?

[lostandhurt]

That is a horrible story.

 You have more than a mother in law problem, you have a husband that has been controlled and beaten down by his own mother and she is unwilling to let go of him and let him live his own life.

 You are being terrorized by her and verbally abused but since he will not put his foot down and stop this what choice do you really have?  I honestly don't see a way to fix what is broken here because there are so many dysfunctional bonds between mother and son here.  Until those are dealt with you will continue to be in her crosshairs.

  I am not sure how you managed to last this long but it is time to at the very least seek out some legal advice.  Was this an arranged marriage?  How old are you and your husband?  Is there a cultural element going on here?

Simply loving him is not enough to withstand this much abuse and harassment.

Lost

[Coily]

"In-law xxx is a victimless crime" ~MST3k

This is probably one of the worst in-law abuse cases I have read in a long time.

The first question you have to ask, is do you want to give your husband a second chance? If "Yes, then I would highly encourage you two to move. Yes up rooting is full of risks, but until you extract this thorn in your side (and your husband's) your marriage is doomed to fail. What's worse, is this horrible woman has made public threats to your life. I would also encourage you to file a police report on this crone, as I do genuinely think she is vile enough to carry out her threats.

Make sure your husband knows that he has a choice, his family (you and your/his daughter) or his mother. It's going to be very difficult for him, so you will need to be patient in explaining why you all need to find a fresh start far from that witch.

If you pursue divorce, take your daughter and go to a shelter. This is mostly for security initially, as this shrew knows where your family lives. Have one of the workers at the shelter contact your parents, and dispose of your current phone number.

When someone makes such verbal threats you have to assume they are intending to cause you grievous bodily harm. Stay safe.

[sueland]

No. It was absolutely not an arranged marriage. We met in 2018, I was 21 et he was 23 back then, still in college, and we fell in love.. we always wanted to get married and have a family together. Now we are 26 and 28, and the more our relationship got serious the more his mother was acting creepy and clingy. But he couldn't see it.

We live in a Muslim country, however, this behavior remains absolutely abnormal in our religion and culture. The problem is that she manipulates him in several ways: using illness, tears, loneliness, etc. No matter the situation, she's always a victim of something or someone.

I think my husband really opened his eyes to her insanity this week, after what she did, he recognized that she was mean and even, maybe, mentally ill. He explained to her that if she ever talks to me or comes my way again, she would no longer be in his life.

I believe that he can see her as much as he wants, talk to her about whatever he wants except for me and the details of our life, etc. but now it is absolutely out of the question that she remains in MY life, with or without him.

I really don't know if I'm ready to give him another chance, that's why I'm posting 😞 . We lost our baby girl 4 months ago, just three days after her birth, and life has been so so hard since.

I feel very bad for him, he has been so depressed these last days. He keeps crying, coming back to me, asking me not to hold him guilty of someone else's behavior, that he's ashamed of it... etc. But at the same time, I'm afraid of his mother at this point. I'm also afraid that once we get back together, everything will return to the way it was before. He promised me several times before and failed to find a real solution or change his behavior.

[Coily]

I just want to say how terribly sorry I am to read about your daughter.

I still think increased physical distance between you and this monster-in-law is the healthy thing for you and your husband.

I'm not a fan of jumping to divorce talk, but this is one of the rare cases where it is a safe alternative. If your husband is unwilling to recognize the very real threat this woman is to his wife, then divorce needs to be a priority for you. I can see where she could be silent for a while and regain your husband's trust, and then escalate to more violence at a later time.

[arjumand]

Very sorry to hear of your loss, but in-law problems are really spouse problems. Besides the fact that he allows her to terrorize you, the fact that he said you could leave and she would raise the child better than you proves he is no better than she is. This marriage is unlikely to improve without an enormous amount of work. He has seen you suffering, he has caused suffering, and he only gives words of wanting to change anything when you threaten to leave. I don’t think this is someone you should try to spend your life with. 

[Seraphim]

I am so so so sorry for the loss of your daughter that is so heartbreaking. 
 

Personally, I would get divorced. There is nothing more to tie you to this man and his mother has dangerous mental illness. 
 

I am so very sorry. 

[1a1a]

I’m with team divorce, it’s the comment about how you can leave and his mum will raise the kid that really breaks the camels back. I think that tells you where his faith lies. 

[tattoobunnie]

Download all of her voicemails onto your computer, and keep them in part of child custody, because I guarantee they will try to make you sound like a psychotic monster who cannot care for children.  Without evidence, they will drag you through court to get full custody.

Haven't spoken to my MIL since 2011 after hubs and I got engaged.  She has never met our kids, and hubs supports this fully, nor has seen or spoken to her as well for several years.

I also call the cops on her every single time she "drops by" over the years.

The major difference though is that I never had to explain to him how messed up her behavior was.

Two years of him thinking her behavior was normal until you threaten divorce 100% means, he's just placating you, and you cannot trust him.

But her job is to isolate him from you (and if you divorce, she wins), and it can take a while to realize how much abuse he endured and that is was never right or normal.  So, quite honestly, if you want this to work, it means, she can no longer ever be in your life and your children's lives because you cannot trust a person who curses you, but wants to hold your kids...NOPE...NEVER EVER!  This means, calling the cops as soon as you pulls up to your home; you don't have to press charges, but put it on a file.  Both of you blocking her number(s), friends, because she will convince them to call you, or use their numbers, blocking her on all social media, emails; keep in mind, she will use "death in the family", illness, suicide threats, harassment, call your employers, to get you to response to her.  Stay strong.  Stay a united front.

And be informed.  Look up histrionic narcissistic personality disorder.  This is her to a "T"

I read your 2nd post; I am very sorry for your loss.  I am very sorry.  What you went through, and having to deal with that trash POS MIL, ugh, I hope things work out.  Big hugs.

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, sueland said:

... he told me that after giving birth I'll be free to divorce and that his mother will raise my little baby girl better than me.

If someone ever said this ^^^ to me, there would be zero 'confusion' about whether I'd stay with him or not. I'd be gone immediately, and I would be doubly determined to build a wonderful future for myself going forward.

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter. I hope you will exit this marriage as quickly as possible. You are young enough to build a future with someone you can love, trust and confide in freely, and without fear of betrayal or harm.

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If someone ever said this ^^^ to me, there would be zero 'confusion' about whether I'd stay with him or not. I'd be gone immediately, and I would be doubly determined to build a wonderful future for myself going forward.

My heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter. I hope you will exit this marriage as quickly as possible. You are young enough to build a future with someone you can love, trust and confide in freely, and without fear of betrayal or harm.

Yup, I would be gone if my husband told me his mother was raising my child and would do better . I would never see him again and custody arrangements would be through a lawyer and third parties . 

[Andrina]

His mother's manipulation has psychologically affected him so deeply that it's extremely unlikely that he will ever be the partner you deserve. And I agree that besides his allowing his mother's abuse toward you, that he verbally abused you as well. 

I'm sorry for your heartbreak, losing your precious child.

Regarding the possibility of staying with him and having more children with him will be the last thing you should do. No child should have to be subjected to the presence of this mentally ill woman. You would and should be fearful that if your marriage ended, that he and his mother would try to gain full custody of your child and might even try kidnapping the child if the courts gave you sole custody, or even partial custody.

Are you really willing to risk this possibility? That alone should have you packing. You have the capability of loving someone else in the future who is mentally healthy and knows how to be a good partner. 

If I were you, I'd seek therapy after all you've been through. You certainly don't want to repeat this sick pattern when choosing another partner. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, sueland said:

We live in a Muslim country, however, this behavior remains absolutely abnormal in our religion and culture. r.

Sorry this is happening. Please delete and block the mother from ALL your devices, social media, contact lists and messaging apps.

Unfortunately your husband is the problem. Would there be repercussions if you divorce? 

Please talk to trusted friends and family about how to extricate yourself from this. 

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in divorce. Sadly this harassment will continue as long as you are with your husband. For now, cease ALL contact with her.

 

[lostandhurt]

You have my deepest condolences for your loss. During this time is when you and your husband should have gravitated towards each other to console and support each other not allow someone to terrorize you. 

It is interesting that while in college he was different but now he is once again under her control.

People will say and do anything when they think they are about to lose everything but it is said and done out of fear of the loss, not out of empathy, regret and compassion.

  He should have moved you both far away from her a long time ago if he really cared.  You need to know and accept that he saw what his mother was doing and saying all this time but he chose her over you each time.  This all feels rather creepy to me...

Protect yourself.

Lost

[sueland]

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and support. I am writing right now with tears in my eyes because we have decided to divorce. We have already signed the agreement, it will be filed tomorrow in court. 

It was the hardest decision to make in my entire life...

I invested sooo much in this relationship the last 5 years that I don't know how to live on my own anymore. I'm so unprepared to deal with such grief after everything I've been through this year. But life is just life, and life goes on, with all the heartbreaks, the wounds in our hearts and all the tears that we will shed. I was loving and living with a man who always made me feel like I'm the second woman in his life, I left my hometown, my work, my friends and all the things I knew to live with him and he couldn't even protect from his own mother. 😌

PS: we are both legal counselors, that's why we didn't reach for an attorney. I don't want his money or anything, I just want  to live in peace. 

[Seraphim]

No, he didn’t protect YOU. I hope you find peace in your life and you go back to what you know, your family and friends. 

[Coily]

Take time to mourn this relationship, but take heart you did the right thing for you; and maybe the man you were married to.

[Cherylyn]

I'm very sorry for your loss.  😢

Both your soon to be ex-husband and MIL are duds.  Your MIL makes my MIL look like a saint. 

I wouldn't be married to a guy like that and I certainly don't need to put up with all of your MIL's _______ either.  They both have got to go.  Glad you've fled! 

[lostandhurt]

You are doing the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 The peace this will bring you not having to look over your shoulder wondering what kind of attack you will have to endure will be priceless.

 Don't walk away penniless, you gave up a lot for him so he can give up some to help you get back on your feet. Many people just want it to be over so they just don't fight for what they deserve but later regret it.

 Do you have family you can stay with?  Friends?  This isn't a time to be alone.

Keep posting

 Lost

[sueland]

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm gonna see my family next week and spend some time with them.

Being alone helps me to clear my mind. I'm gonna make a confession, I posted in this forum about three years ago when we were dating, some of you even responded back then. I told this story about how I fell in love with him, how I allowed him to come to my house and how he 'possibly' raped me and gave me herpes. I couldn't read everything I wrote at the time because I feel VERY stupid and weak. I was young, misinformed, afraid of many things that were probably only in my head. It took me months to confront him and he denied for a very long time what happened. 

When I look back on this relationship I realize how toxic it was from day one. I stayed because I loved him, but also because I couldn't leave him with an STD that I will have for life (it seemed difficult to live with that in a somewhat conservative country).  I can see now that the abuse has increased little by little, I couldn't have any more friends, I couldn't go anywhere if he wasn't with me, since we got engaged we get to insults when I wanted to see my family, before going out for work he has to validate my outfit, I was no longer allowed to wear heels, put on makeup except for him.. etc. The last few months I couldn't even work from home if I still had things to finish. After the surgery and the death of our daughter, he kept telling me that my family was not there for me, that no one loves me except him. 

But the abuse was no longer one-sided, at one point I was tired and I started to fight back. I started making the same mean remarks to him, pretending not to listen to him anymore when he talks, like he does to me. When we were arguing, I always beg him for a break to calm us down, just 10 or 15 minutes apart. And I locked myself in our room to take a shower or listen to some music. He would break down the door every time, and start screaming a few inches away from me. I was pushing him, he was pushing me back, I was scratching him, he was hitting me and we started insulting each other. 

All these sequences have happened dozens of times, even (and especially) during pregnancy. and the fact that I lived in a city where I have no family, where I have never been able to go out on my own, and that I no longer have friends, I felt that I had nowhere to go. In the end it all seemed pretty normal.

I can understand now where he came from, and why he was acting that way. He has never respected other's boundaries  because he has never learned it, and because his own have never been respected.

[1a1a]

You are mighty for leaving! I’m cheering for you and mixed in with the sadness I bet there’s gonna be relief, so much relief!