sueland

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm gonna see my family next week and spend some time with them. Being alone helps me to clear my mind. I'm gonna make a confession, I posted in this forum about three years ago when we were dating, some of you even responded back then. I told this story about how I fell in love with him, how I allowed him to come to my house and how he 'possibly' raped me and gave me herpes. I couldn't read everything I wrote at the time because I feel VERY stupid and weak. I was young, misinformed, afraid of many things that were probably only in my head. It took me months to confront him and he denied for a very long time what happened. When I look back on this relationship I realize how toxic it was from day one. I stayed because I loved him, but also because I couldn't leave him with an STD that I will have for life (it seemed difficult to live with that in a somewhat conservative country). I can see now that the abuse has increased little by little, I couldn't have any more friends, I couldn't go anywhere if he wasn't with me, since we got engaged we get to insults when I wanted to see my family, before going out for work he has to validate my outfit, I was no longer allowed to wear heels, put on makeup except for him.. etc. The last few months I couldn't even work from home if I still had things to finish. After the surgery and the death of our daughter, he kept telling me that my family was not there for me, that no one loves me except him. But the abuse was no longer one-sided, at one point I was tired and I started to fight back. I started making the same mean remarks to him, pretending not to listen to him anymore when he talks, like he does to me. When we were arguing, I always beg him for a break to calm us down, just 10 or 15 minutes apart. And I locked myself in our room to take a shower or listen to some music. He would break down the door every time, and start screaming a few inches away from me. I was pushing him, he was pushing me back, I was scratching him, he was hitting me and we started insulting each other. All these sequences have happened dozens of times, even (and especially) during pregnancy. and the fact that I lived in a city where I have no family, where I have never been able to go out on my own, and that I no longer have friends, I felt that I had nowhere to go. In the end it all seemed pretty normal. I can understand now where he came from, and why he was acting that way. He has never respected other's boundaries because he has never learned it, and because his own have never been respected.

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and support. I am writing right now with tears in my eyes because we have decided to divorce. We have already signed the agreement, it will be filed tomorrow in court. It was the hardest decision to make in my entire life... I invested sooo much in this relationship the last 5 years that I don't know how to live on my own anymore. I'm so unprepared to deal with such grief after everything I've been through this year. But life is just life, and life goes on, with all the heartbreaks, the wounds in our hearts and all the tears that we will shed. I was loving and living with a man who always made me feel like I'm the second woman in his life, I left my hometown, my work, my friends and all the things I knew to live with him and he couldn't even protect from his own mother. 😌 PS: we are both legal counselors, that's why we didn't reach for an attorney. I don't want his money or anything, I just want to live in peace.

No. It was absolutely not an arranged marriage. We met in 2018, I was 21 et he was 23 back then, still in college, and we fell in love.. we always wanted to get married and have a family together. Now we are 26 and 28, and the more our relationship got serious the more his mother was acting creepy and clingy. But he couldn't see it. We live in a Muslim country, however, this behavior remains absolutely abnormal in our religion and culture. The problem is that she manipulates him in several ways: using illness, tears, loneliness, etc. No matter the situation, she's always a victim of something or someone. I think my husband really opened his eyes to her insanity this week, after what she did, he recognized that she was mean and even, maybe, mentally ill. He explained to her that if she ever talks to me or comes my way again, she would no longer be in his life. I believe that he can see her as much as he wants, talk to her about whatever he wants except for me and the details of our life, etc. but now it is absolutely out of the question that she remains in MY life, with or without him. I really don't know if I'm ready to give him another chance, that's why I'm posting 😞 . We lost our baby girl 4 months ago, just three days after her birth, and life has been so so hard since. I feel very bad for him, he has been so depressed these last days. He keeps crying, coming back to me, asking me not to hold him guilty of someone else's behavior, that he's ashamed of it... etc. But at the same time, I'm afraid of his mother at this point. I'm also afraid that once we get back together, everything will return to the way it was before. He promised me several times before and failed to find a real solution or change his behavior.

Good morning, everyone, I need to make a decision in the next few days about my marriage, so I need some perspective and advice please ! Since my husband and I got engaged in 2021, his mother has taken up too much space in our intimacy as a couple. By constant harassment on the phone (20 to 30 calls / day), plans where I am not invited, criticism and open disrespect to me, in so many ways, in front of my husband who never reacted. She always had an opinion about how we should manage our household (ex: I should do all the chores because his son is too manly to help), gets jealous if my own husband gives me a gift, invites me, etc. It's still crazy to me honestly. When I was pregnant and feeling scared of being a mother, he told me that after giving birth I'll be free to divorce and that his mother will raise my little baby girl better than me. I have always been patient, respectful, never reacted to her provocations, bought her gifts, traveled with her, visited her, etc. And tried to explain to my husband, soooo many times, that he was the one that should make sure that some lines are never crossed. He did nothing until the day I red other insults about me, without any reaction from him, I decided that I'm not accepting this situation anymore, and told him that I was getting a divorce. I think this was the first time he realized that there was a REAL issue and he promised to get everything in order if I gave him a second chance. Now, I don't know what he exactly told her after that. One thing I'm sure about is that he sent to her my voice messages where I was talking about this problem and how I wanted to get a divorce because of it. What happened afterwards is completely mind-blowing to me: she started harassing me at midnight on the phone, telling me me that I wasn't taking care of her son, that I was making his life miserable, that I was not a good wife, that she doesn't want me anymore, that I want to steal him from her, she started calling me a w**re in front of her son, and told him that he had to make a choice: it's either her or me. The next day, we were at home, me and my husband, trying to figure out how to overcome what just happened when she called him. He told her he was with me : she started yelling at him, insulting him, insulting me again. She came to our house right away, started yelling in front of all our neighborhood that I was a wh*re, that she's going to ki** me if he stays with me or to commits suic*de !!! She called my own parents to tell them how she hates them, that I was a wh*re, that she doesn't want me in her son's life etc. What hurts me the most is that she knows every little secret between me and my husband, some very intimate and difficult moments between us... even our fights, our dreams, our everything... was shared with her this whole time. My husband now tells me that he has faced his whole family for me, that he doesn't want to lose me, that he understands his mistakes and is not going to make them again. He has apologized hundreds of times, met with my parents to apologize for everything and wants another chance. But I really wonder how this couple could survive after everyone: families, neighbors, colleagues, EVERYONE, have known all every little detail of our intimate life and how we will be able to have children, one day, in such conditions. I feel that my trust in him has been lost, that there is a lot of resentment and I am not sure that love alone can fix that, because yes, I still love him. What would you do ?