Nervous for a date

[Andrina]

I dated a guy for a year who wasn't exactly like your man, but some elements were similar. I believe I was in a poor mindset, as you seem to be as well, grasping for straws on what the few positives were, and hoping for things to change for the better. Though I thought I'd brought up my self-esteem, in hindsight, it was far from where it should've been, otherwise I would've dumped him at the first warning signs. I'm guessing that's the case with you, since I know how it feels to keep trying to find a lifetime companion and the treasure is so elusive.

The positives with my man were that he was faithful and also had a goal of long term as a relationship wish. But his work was like his sweetheart. As a team leader, he could decide if his team would work an extra day of Saturday for 7 hours, and he would wave the possibility in front of my face that he was thinking he wouldn't work on Saturday and we could do something fun, but then that never happened and he went to work. I don't know if this was passive aggressive or what, but we rarely did anything fun because he worked something like 67 hours per week, would fall asleep at 8:30 at night if we were watching TV, and he'd sleep until 2:00 on Sunday and wake up with a headache. Then, after a year together, I was about to go on a trip abroad to visit my brother with a girl friend, and instead of spending the whole day together before I flew out, he chose to play in a poker tournament at the casino.

I didn't feel like a priority, and I wasn't, just as you aren't. Just pointing out one a particular thing your bf did in helping his friend with a project. If your bf was a decent man, he would've told his friend he could help him in the morning, but he had to honor his plans with his gf in the afternoon. It was a project, not an emergency like a house flooding, etc.

Nine months after our breakup, I met my future husband and he had plenty of time for me and never once teased me with promised outings that never happened like my ex, and I felt like the priority I wanted to be, all along, in a relationship. We've done so much together: an air boat ride, zip lining, concerts, trips, going to flea markets, hiking in parks. And his hobbies and times with buddies are healthy, as in not making alcohol the focus of the fun.

My point is that I wouldn't have found Mr. Right if I hadn't ditched Mr. Wrong. I shake my head at why I stayed so long, and the guy in fact, broke up with me. Months later I realized what a favor he'd done by dumping me. Don't make my mistake by naively hoping for improvement. Take the present as a show of what is happening now will even get worse. This is the honeymoon stage, the time a person is usually on cloud nine about a new love and showing their best selves. If this is his best, wow, just wow.

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't work Fridays and he isn't leaving until Saturday. 

Evidently he doesn't work Fridays either. 

Sounds like he's a temp on road construction crews and if he doesn't feel like showing up he just doesn't.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He offered to reschedule for tomorrow morning/afternoon but let me know he has plans with his guy friend at 6pm. 

I kind of just feel like he squeezes me in. 

One huge problem is framing this as "our relationship" when you've had 8 dates, mostly at your place and the rest of the time over these past 6 weeks he cancels in favor of drinking and partying. 

It's possible he'll come up with some last minute things or be too hungover again. He seems to tell you what will pacify you because keeping you on the back back burner for free meals and hangouts works for him.

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I'm curious what your married friends think about this new cancellation and what they're advising  you.

Are they telling you to "go with the flow" and be accepting and easy going about it?

I recall that was their earlier advice which is why I'm asking.   It must be confusing to hear such conflicting advice. 

Hope you're okay. 

[Starlight925]

In less than 24 hours, he's cancelled the camping trip with you, he cancelled tonight, he offered a lame hangout tomorrow, but he has to leave to hang out with his buddy at 6 pm, before he goes away for a whole week.

And you're wondering if you're the problem?

You say you feel like you don't have enough going on in your life, so you end up sitting home, brooding, when he leaves you hanging.

It's the other way around:

He leaves you hanging, which is why you end up sitting home brooding.  

He makes a plan to see you tonight, so you schedule your day/night around it.  You make sure you're home from work on time, that you've done household chores, you've caught up with friends/family members, done your laundry, paid your bills, etc., etc., all so that you could be free to see him.

Then he bails at the last minute, so you end up alone on the couch, with nothing to do.  Because he freaking bailed on you, and you ran around getting sh*t done to make time for him.  

So now, all your sh*t is done, and he leaves you with an empty slot of time with nothing to do, because you planned for that time to be with him.

And because you were so efficient in getting ready for an evening with him, you now feel the double whammy of not getting to see him, plus you feel like a loser with no life, when in fact, you efficiently got your life in order for the day to see him.

Again, and again, and again.

Cue the vacation pics, the emoji strings, the promises of future dates.....

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Starlight925 said:

In less than 24 hours, he's cancelled the camping trip with you, he cancelled tonight, he offered a lame hangout tomorrow, but he has to leave to hang out with his buddy at 6 pm, before he goes away for a whole week.

And you're wondering if you're the problem?

 

Actually she is the problem - her own worst enemy.   Self sabotage at its finest.  And the BS she's telling herself is almost hard to take seriously.  Sometimes I feel like she's trolling us, to be honest.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

In less than 24 hours, he's cancelled the camping trip with you, he cancelled tonight, he offered a lame hangout tomorrow, but he has to leave to hang out with his buddy at 6 pm, before he goes away for a whole week.

This was after he bailed on her Sunday as well to "help" (cough cough) his friend. 

Enough is enough already!

I think (hope) Alex is feeling this way too.  

It's time. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Sometimes I feel like she's trolling us, to be honest.

My dear friend used to do the same thing and she absolutely was not trolling (didn't exist in the 1990s). 

She was involved with a bartender who told her she was the first customer he'd ever gotten a phone number from and SHE BELIEVED HIM. He jerked her around for years telling her all sorts of BS. And much, much worse. And when I questioned her she said "at least I can say I have a boyfriend". She went back to him time and again after vowing to end whatever it was. She didn't break free for five years.

True story. 

[MissCanuck]

This man is just not that into you. 

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Sometimes I feel like she's trolling us, to be honest.

I don't think trolling but at times when reading her posts, I definitely feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.

One of the worst cases of denial and 'magical thinking' I've read about in a long time.  Way worse than I ever was.

Alex, how you doing?  Were you able to make other plans for tonight?

Did you cancel tomorrow?

I would before HE does. 

 

[LootieTootie]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

So he called two hours ago to ask if it was okay to move our plans for tonight to tomorrow. 

Same song, different tune. 

I'm sorry but this guy is wasting your time and you are letting him. 6pm on Friday night with his friend ? Sounds like he rather act single on a Friday evening with his friends.

 

[Starlight925]

I don't think she's trolling us.

I have a friend in an even worse situation, 2+ years now.  The stories I could tell....

But I agree, that Alex, you are your own worst enemy, because you accept what he's dishing out.

Crumbs.

I've had this before.  I started envisioning a pile of cookie crumbs on the table in place of the phone.  When it dinged with notifications, I'd just envision it as a pile of crumbs, because that's all he was offering me.

Your guy goes one worse:  he offers you crumbs, which you accept.  But then he offers you hope.  You get your hopes up, and he lets you down, but you continue to accept his crumbs.

[Starlight925]

If he's going away for a whole week, he should want to see you so badly that he cancels on his friend.

Does he ever cancel on the friends?

I ended it with someone once because, the night before I was going away for a week, he only wanted to spend an afternoon with me, as he "had to" get up early to work out.  Buh.  Bye.

[rainbowsandroses]

Problem is, Alex has no reference. 

Admittedly she's never had a man truly "into" her and acting as such, she's always done all the chasing.

So this is her "norm "

BUT she has us but sadly from the beginning has chosen to not listen.

 

 

[Wonderstruck]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My dear friend used to do the same thing and she absolutely was not trolling (didn't exist in the 1990s).

LMAO, how can you say that "trolling" didn't exist in the 1990s?

Definition of "Trolling", from Wikipedia:  In slang, a troll is a person who posts or makes inflammatory, insincere, digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages online (such as in social media, a newsgroup, a forum, a chat room, an online video game) or in real life, with the intent of provoking others into displaying emotional responses, or manipulating others' perception, thus acting as a bully or a provocateur.

Are you saying that behaviour didn't occur in the 1990s, either online or in real life?

Oh, and by the way, I DO believe that Alex is trolling all of you.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Problem is, Alex has no reference. 

Admittedly she's never had a man truly "into" her and acting as such, she's always done all the chasing.

So this is her "norm "

BUT she has us but sadly from the beginning has chosen to not listen.

 

 

I genuinely like him and I think he thinks he is being a good boyfriend. He was even saying to me last night on the phone how he's already thinking of a gift to bring me back from his vacation. 

I wonder if he is still in a young phase of drinking with his buddies and being with his friends. He is still in his 20s.  When my one friend met her husband, he was like that. He was young and immature. Now 5 years later they just had a beautiful wedding and he's matured a ton. They bought a house and they are living a great life together. 

I don't like not feeling like a priority though. If this continues, I will say something to him and if it isn't working then I will have end it. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

If this continues, I will say something to him

Didn’t this already happen a few pages back? 
 

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

if it isn't working then I will have end it. 

Good. And next time these behaviors pop up in someone you’re seeing you’ll know to end it immediately because you’ll know how the story goes 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

If this continues, I will say something to him

You already did. And you still accepted being cancelled on again.

He now knows for a fact you do nothing but sit around waiting for him to show up (eventually) no matter how many times he pushes you aside to hang with his friends or because he's "tired" or has the runs or has to help a "friend" or whatever today's excuse is. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He was even saying to me last night on the phone how he's already thinking of a gift to bring me back from his vacation. 

As mentioned previously several times, you have GOT to STOP listening to what he "says" and focus on his ACTIONS.

Sorry for the all caps but this has been discussed ad nauseum, are you even reading our posts? 

 

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I wonder if he is still in a young phase of drinking with his buddies and being with his friends. He is still in his 20s.

You said he was 29 many pages back (and you are 31), didn't he just have a birthday?  Shouldn't that make him 30?

You've also got to stop spinning this to fit your narrative Alex, it's called "magical thinking" and not healthy.

Not to mention my 21 year old college boyfriend who was popular in his fraternity with many friends KNEW how to treat me properly.  

When a man is truly into a woman (and not simply going through the motions like he is), it's instinctive that he wants to see her often, spend time with her, have her meet his friends, NOT flake, no matter what his age. 

What will you do if he cancels your date tomorrow?  If I had to venture a guess, he will wake up with a stomach ache and cancel.

Will you finally be done with this then?  

Apologies if this sounded harsh, but this is getting silly now.

 

[Batya33]

My friend has two daughters. One is in her mid 30s and one in her mid 20s. They each have three kids. The first one got married 10 years ago and husband was within a year of her age and second ones husband is 29. Another friend has two daughters in their 20s - late 20s?- both married and one has a baby. Husbands right around same age. 
If he was 18 and about to start college at a party school and simply wanted a summer of fun which made him a bad boyfriend well yes sure. Even if he said he wanted to be committed etc and thought he wanted this. I can see a teenager meaning well and promising this and that and gifts but the pull of friends at this pivotal time would be too much. 
If you really believe he’s at this teenage stage and as a result gets to treat you rudely and like an afterthought he’s not available to date you. That’s the best spin on it.
I don’t think that’s the right spin. I think he’s a grown man who wants to go through the motions except when those particular motions give him stomach cramps because he benefits to an extent telling himself he has a girlfriend and helping himself to your generosity of offering him your home and food and couch and some hooking up as he wishes - but he’s not that into you as an individual person he has serious or potentially serious feelings and intentions for. 
Don’t you want more than the cake topper groom in your life ??

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He was even saying to me last night on the phone how he's already thinking of a gift to bring me back from his vacation. 

Here's why you need to stop listening to what he "says."

Case(s) in point:

He told you Saturday night when he bailed, you'd have a nice date on Sunday, that he'd be over by 1:00 pm and would help you with your lawn. 

His action?  He flaked. 

He told you you would see each other Thursday (tonight).

His action?  He flaked. 

He told you he would take you to a party and meet his friends. 

His action?  He went to the party alone. 

He told you you would be going camping and meeting his family. 

His action?  He cancelled.

The list goes on.

How can you possibly believe ONE word out of this turkey's mouth?

That is not a rhetorical question.

 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Apologies if this sounded harsh, but this is getting silly now.

Always remember you can move on to many other threads and take a break from Alex's thread.

[MrMan1983]

Guys, nothing is going to change at this point. She's accepting of whatever he does and how he acts (and that's entirely her choice) so what more can you do. You've all said as much as you can so the advice is there for her in black and white you've done your job. No amount of bolded, underlined, italic or getting all worked up is going to change the outcome if the OP isn't truly wanting to make changes for themselves - and again, that's up to her.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I genuinely like him and I think he thinks he is being a good boyfriend. He was even saying to me last night on the phone how he's already thinking of a gift to bring me back from his vacation. 

 

Yeah.  He "thinks" he's being a good boyfriend?    Because he was "thinking" of a gift to bring you? In what world does that mean anything?   Sorry, Alex, but this is actually making me LOL over here.   

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Guys, nothing is going to change at this point. She's accepting of whatever he does and how he acts (and that's entirely her choice) so what more can you do. You've all said as much as you can so the advice is there for her in black and white you've done your job. No amount of bolded, underlined, italic or getting all worked up is going to change the outcome if the OP isn't truly wanting to make changes for themselves - and again, that's up to her.

Agree.  

She is obviously not going to break up, although we all agreed that this guy is a mess and isn’t that into her… 

See, two of my best friends are struggling with their marriage. They both want to divorce but they aren’t strong enough to do it. And these guys,their husbands, they are even worse than Alex’s. They humiliate and beat their wives. I’ve told my friends many times that they should leave but they can’t do so, not ready to hear that. That’s why Iearnt to adjust and talk on their level. Instead of repeating the same thing over and over again, I try to help them managing their marriage better by giving some basic advices… and I think it helps. I just listen to them and tell them things they are ready to hear. 

So, I think, at this point, the best we can do is help her going through this situation. Maybe by making him regain (or gain) interest. But this implies she gets some patience and stops wanting to rush things. One way to do it is to cancel on seeing him before he leaves, let him go on his trip and never reach out. @Alex39, you want this to work, in my opinion this is the only way it could work. If you don’t do it, no use to come back here complaining about him losing interest or bailing on you…