Should I breakup or give my girlfriend a second chance?

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

I stumbled upon the fact that my girlfriend has been telling her family

 

7 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

When confronted, my girlfriend admitted she might have moved to Michigan without telling me if I hadn’t found out.

Those 2 statements don't sound like you found out in a normal conversation. Regardless, you feel like your relationship is built on sand right now instead of on concrete.

If it were me, I'd maybe pull back from the relationship a bit and see if she takes that opportunity to let you fade away, if her feelings are that she's outgrown the relationship. Perhaps suggest that you two don't move in right away together in Michigan, but continue to date, and see what she thinks about that. If she jumps at that idea, perhaps she no longer wants to continue a relationship with you. Some people are cowardly about breaking up.

Because who wants to be with someone who's just not into you anymore? Of course, she just might be at a crossroads making her nervous, and she might put equal effort into remaining with you. If you keep a mellow demeanor, you might be able to get the truth from her. I'd say: I just want you to know I won't freak out if you don't see a future with us. I'll be upset, of course, but I only want to be with you if you feel the same. If you don't, please free me so I can start making different plans.

Sometimes there's only one person driving the relationship train, and the other stays on the ride because of passivity. I don't know either of you, so I'm just shooting some ideas out there.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[maxwellsmart]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What are the plans about marriage ? Do either of you want marriage ?

yes

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

Here’s my question:

Given the lack of honest communication from my girlfriend about a major life decision, should I consider this a dealbreaker in our relationship? What are the factors to weigh in making this decision?

Thank you for your input.

Well, if she did this 'in fear', it's a fear of losing you?  Fearing, knowing she wants one thing more, where she feels you want the other option ( move?)?

What you two NEED to do is 'Talk'.  Communication IS always necessary in a healthy relationship.

IMO, if she just feared you leaving because she favours a different city, I do feel this can be worked out.

[Tinydance]

To be honest I don't think she went behind your back. The reason why is because it was actually HER that told you about her conversations with her family. So she was the one who told you all about it, you didn't hear it from others or see messages or anything like that. I think it's OK she talked to her family. People are allowed to talk to their friends and family and ask for advice and things like that.

I do think that's a bit rash that your girlfriend is thinking about breaking up. I mean is it a really big deal where you live? If you've been together for three years why does she care about a city more than you?

[Jaunty]

30 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I do think that's a bit rash that your girlfriend is thinking about breaking up. I mean is it a really big deal where you live? If you've been together for three years why does she care about a city more than you?

There's probably  more going on here than we know.

According to the OP, the girlfriend told him, pretty much word for word, all about her conversation with her mother.  This is not normal.  A person - in this case, the gf - should be able to have a private conversation with their mother without having to report it back to their bf.   

She did report it back, and he doesn't like it.  So now he's on the verge of breaking up with her.   

Sounds to me like the OP may be quite controlling.  Perhaps the gf is afraid of how he'll react when she doesn't do as he wants.   

 

[catfeeder]

What prompted GF to tell you about her conversation with her mother?

You say you stumbled upon it, and you also confronted her.

So it doesn't sound as though she told you willingly--what happened?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

yes

What are the plans ?  I moved 800 miles for my husband. After 43 years in a major city. I agreed to relocate the day we got back together other than one or two places. But it was understood that this was if we were married and we both wanted to try for a baby.  Relocating as you describe is very often a huge deal. It was for me and for us. With an infant. So I’d see if the enormity of it without a solid commitment is weighing on her. If she wants marriage soon  etc 

[Lambert]

well, I think the crux of all this is: She is moving without you and that is the exact opposite of marrying you. 

You guys need to have a real heart to heart talk. because she is either just marking time with you until it's time to move back home or she's resolved that if you don't want what she wants, she's going on without you. 

both are pretty bad and I'm sorry but it's better you know the truth about how she is feeling. You never (I said never) want to be with someone that isn't as equally invested in the relationship as you are.  

 

[smackie9]

I don't think she's mature enough for the life you have planned. I'm guessing she doesn't want to move forward with a future with you and she's afraid to tell you. That's what I see. She's just isn't ready for it. 

[boltnrun]

I wonder if there is something about Texas she doesn't like and is afraid to tell you because she thinks you're gung-ho on moving there.

Texas is VERY different from Michigan, as of course you know. 

I would set aside your feelings of betrayal for now and have an honest talk with her. Assure her she does not need to be afraid to express any misgivings she has about moving to Texas. Tell her you want to truly HEAR her. Then you take your turn expressing how you feel about where to live. No interrupting on either side, and no accusations. Just express how you feel and what you're thinking.

Is this relationship worth making that kind of effort?

[Kampuniform3]

You're probably making a mountain out of a molehill. 

It's normal for someone to solicit advice from family members when they are lacking sufficient life experience to work things out on their own. 

She isn't being deceptive, and it's clear that she isn't as captivated by the move as you are, and is being gentle with you. 

You both have to be in perfect agreement about a large move. If not, the one less interested in making the move will resent you if the outcome of the move is less than desirable. 

Big moves are stress and argument incubators, and if things don't go according to plan in your new location, the odds don't favour a happy relational outcome. 

[spinstermanquee]

2 hours ago, Kampuniform3 said:

it's clear that she isn't as captivated by the move as you are, and is being gentle with you. 

You both have to be in perfect agreement about a large move

You said originally you moved to MN for *her* school for 2 years.  (Wild guess) she may feel like she owes you one and is ready to break up to not have to do you a solid back.  Do you feel like she owes you more weight on deciding the next move since you put aside your life for her these past two years?  Just curious...

[maxwellsmart]

UPDATE

We talked it out and realized it was a simple communication issue. She felt like I was going to break up with her since I was interested in Texas more than her. We both agreed on Michigan and are moving forward.

BUT, now she just got an amazing offer from one of the top hospitals in Texas and now she is considering moving there. Her anxiety makes her so wishy washy so now I hope this gives insight to my perspective and frustration with this. 

I am going to be supportive no matter what, but she is like a light switch when it comes to this (understandably so).

[Batya33]

Texas is better for you right ?

[maxwellsmart]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Texas is better for you right ?

On paper overall yes but I would be more than happy with either decision. I work remotely and she would need to be on site. The place she got an offer from is pretty much her dream job. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride but what fun would it be if it weren't?

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, maxwellsmart said:

On paper overall yes but I would be more than happy with either decision. I work remotely and she would need to be on site. The place she got an offer from is pretty much her dream job. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride but what fun would it be if it weren't?

Wow. Shouldn’t she go for it then?

[maxwellsmart]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Wow. Shouldn’t she go for it then?

It's up to her
I was pretty set on Texas from the get go but Michigan was fine as well
She is the one bouncing back and forth
I have the best location already scoped out in Texas

[Kim Conley]

Well I think more so that it was dishonesty, I wouldn't say a dealbreaker just yet i would have waited a little while longer to see if she was going to actually tell you. But then why would she discuss this with her mom and not tell you and you all have been together 3years.Mmmmmmmm maybe its something else going on in the relationship that she has not discussed with you. it's really something to think about but I have actually had problems myself in my relationship and someone sent me this to check out and it was an amzing website to check out

[Jaunty]

If you make it clear that you are supportive with either decision, she will probably settle down a bit and be able to make a well considered decision.  This might involve discussions with her mother or other family members, which I hope you'll be okay with.

[Kim Conley]

Guy listen, I know you are having really crazy thoughts right now bu  you have been with her for 3years, If you start over right now, You will have to learn someone all over again some relationships God will help you mend back together and some just not worth saving but it's ok to go with your heart but be ready if it does not go the way you expect it too, if she wants to move to Michigan I thik you said and do not want to come to the great state of texas maybe she will be the one to loose out because both of you needs to be happy and if you not happy you are going to eventually leave and if she's not happy she will leave so come to a mutual agreement and take it for what it's worth. i tried to send a link to you so you could see an amazing website that actually helped me but this forum has not given me authority yet but you can email me and i will give it to you.

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, Kim Conley said:

Guy listen, I know you are having really crazy thoughts right now bu  you have been with her for 3years, If you start over right now, You will have to learn someone all over again some relationships God will help you mend back together and some just not worth saving but it's ok to go with your heart but be ready if it does not go the way you expect it too, if she wants to move to Michigan I thik you said and do not want to come to the great state of texas maybe she will be the one to loose out because both of you needs to be happy and if you not happy you are going to eventually leave and if she's not happy she will leave so come to a mutual agreement and take it for what it's worth. i tried to send a link to you so you could see an amazing website that actually helped me but this forum has not given me authority yet but you can email me and i will give it to you.

You are not allowed to promote your own website on this forum. It will never be allowed as that is considered spam.

Of course all are welcome to post advice and comments. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

 She felt like I was going to break up with her since I was interested in Texas more than her. We both agreed on Michigan and are moving forward.she just got an amazing offer from one of the top hospitals in Texas and now she is considering moving there. 

Was she in medical school in Minn? She seems to really care about you and your happiness.

However where she works next will have a major impact on her profession in the future So it's a huge decision. As you mentioned, she doesn't have a digital nomad type of profession.

It's great you talked and can come to a joint agreement about TX vs MI.