Bridesmaid Duties

[Alex39]

One of my best friends is getting married. 

She's already married, eloped in 2020 secretly. But is finally having her wedding this year. 

Her sister is her maid of honor. She then asked three of us friends to be bridesmaids. 

I have a few issues with this scenario. My friend has been married since 2020. She chose to elope. It wasn't a covid thing. Her fiance and she decided it'd be fun to elope. She then said she'd have an official wedding in 2021. 

Then she pushed it to 2022, then 2023. She's hiding that she's married because she wants people to Oooo and Ahhh over her actual wedding. 

It's all confusing. Why elope, then hide it? Then why elope at all. They were already living together and nothing changed. 

They bought a $420,000 home in 2020.  Their choice. Their money. But now she's acting like they don't own a home to all the wedding guests. 

She's acting like she isn't already married and that she's some young new bride that has nothing. 

She's having a bridal shower. I find this inappropriate after three years of marriage. That's like me having a graduation party years after I graduated college and expecting gifts. 

She's having a Bachelorette party. I said I would go. I'm trying to be a supportive friend. 

Well two of us bridesmaids, me and another, cannot go to the wedding.  It's over 7 hours away. It's too much. So we told her politely we cannot go. 

Well the bride and her sister are still acting like we are bridesmaids, acknowledging that we cannot attend the actual wedding, but still having us help with shower stuff and spending money on her. 

My perception is, that the minute I said I cannot go to the wedding, is the minute I am no longer a bridesmaid or even a guest. So I'm confused as to why I am still being roped in like this? 

The bride just wants us to shower her with all the regular bridal stuff, but she already is married and 90% of the guests cant actually go to her wedding. She's acting like this is all normal, but how she went about this whole thing isn't the normal way. 

The other girl that isn't going is all into helping and paying. She just thinks it's us being a good friend. I don't want to look like a bad friend, so I'm all in too. But I don't think this is right. If she chose to have her wedding closer, I would be all in and in her wedding too. The other girl said she wishes the wedding was closer too. 

The bride is acting like 1. She isn't married and hasn't been for years. 2. That she is having a simple local wedding 3. That they don't own an expensive house

Then I get an invitation saying how they don't want any gifts, but to "please donate to their new house fund to help them buy a home. "

She owns a home. An expensive one. I asked her about it and she says- well we want to buy a second home. 

A second home. I think it's extremely rude to con people into thinking you don't own a first home. Those that are farther removed from her life probably think they are helping a new young couple get a house. But no, it's a second home. 

I feel on the fence. I am trying to be a good friend. I do care about my friend. But I feel like she is somewhat lying to everyone about her life and I don't agree with that. And I don't agree that I need to be helping throw her a shower and all this stuff, when I backed out of the wedding completely. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Then don't do it.

[Big Stan]

I would have to agree with you OP. It’s been three years she shouldn’t be doing that. Also if you’re not going you aren’t obligated. The asking for money for a second home is pretty bush league because you shouldn’t be asking for donations for frivolous things. 
 

Im buying my wife a new M car next year and asking for donations for a second home is like me asking for donations to buy my wife’s completely unnecessary sports car. 

[Seraphim]

Don’t do it. As I said in the other’s person’s wedding not your business what they do or how they do it . Period. 

[reinventmyself]

I know couples who married for legal reasons, especially when buying a home and insurance is involved and then wanted a wedding at a later date. 

The catch here is she is withholding this information for leverage? My niece just had a wedding after having been married at the courthouse a year prior.  But it was no secret.  They had a modest wedding and requested that guests not bring gifts.   

[Big Stan]

13 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I know couples who married for legal reasons, especially when buying a home and insurance is involved and then wanted a wedding at a later date. 

The catch here is she is withholding this information for leverage? My niece just had a wedding after having been married at the courthouse a year prior.  But it was no secret.  They had a modest wedding and requested that guests not bring gifts.   

Yeah that’s the way to handle it not expect the same kind of gifting. 

[Jaunty]

This thread is reminiscent of another one you had going a year or two back where you were very invested in picking apart the bride and the wedding; you were supposed to be in the wedding party.

You're entitled to your opinions and feelings about this and you are definitely are free to step away.  It might negatively impact your friendship but if you're really close friends, it will survive and in time you'll be ok. 

That said - you ARE wrong to be where you are right now.   

You're very bitter, sour, judgey, angry, yet you say you're "ALL IN."  Because you don't want to "look like a bad friend."

News flash:  You ARE a bad friend to this person.  NOT because you don't want to "play bridesmaid" in her wedding celebration.  That's fine.  

Be honest, try to be happy for her because she's doing something she wants to do for herself, and do NOT play the role in it that is not comfortable for you.   

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

The bride is acting like 1. She isn't married and hasn't been for years. 2. That she is having a simple local wedding 3. That they don't own an expensive house

Then I get an invitation saying how they don't want any gifts, but to "please donate to their new house fund to help them buy a home. "

She owns a home. An expensive one. I asked her about it and she says- well we want to buy a second home. 

 

 

Wow, you are jealous.  If she is paying for a wedding, she can ask for what she needs, gifts wise.  It doesn't matter if it's a trip to the moon, it's not your judgement call.

If you plan to have a wedding one day, and plan to ask her to be in your party, then yes, help pay for things.  If not, just say I can't participate, but I will be sending a gift.

[Batya33]

Agree with all. Simply say "no I'm not going to be able to participate."  Send a gift if you consider her your friend.

[Cherylyn]

I would send a "Congratulations on your Wedding" postal greeting card to her. 📩  📬  Write a congratulatory / best wishes type sentiment,  express your regrets for declining the wedding attendance and express your regrets for not participating as a bridesmaid.  Since you've agreed to attend her bachelorette party, then go.  (Or, if you don't want to attend afterall and prefer to bow out,  then express your regrets graciously in the postal card.)  Also,  be clear about not co-hosting the shower either but express you're happy for the nuptials.  Kill her with kindness while standing your ground. 

The beauty of snail mail is that it's one way without back 'n forth correspondence.  Write your piece and then send.  You don't need a reply. 

This is a test of your friendship.  If your friend goes sour on you due to your preferences,  then you need a friend replacement.  She's not for you. 

Your friend has no bounds nor exercises discretion.  She is greedy and has a lot of nerve.  ☹️

Regarding a gift,  it depends on if you want to retain this friend.  With friends,  there are protocols in order to maintain friendships which costs money.  There are occasions such as weddings,  funerals,  births, deaths, illness,  financial hardship,  birthdays,  anniversaries,  holidays, money, food, gits, etc.  It's part of the cost of friendships for many.  If you're so inclined,  give an affordable,  reasonable gift or gift card.  Amazon is safe which you can purchase and send online. 

Or,  just stick with the postal card with kind sentiments and be done with it.  It's your call.  Let your feelings and wallet dictate which direction you wish to take. 

[MissCanuck]

Much like your other threads about these so-called friends, I can't fathom why you're still friends with people you pretty clearly don't like or respect much. 

I think it is shady of her to lie by omission about already being married, to be clear. But I think you also love to complain and throw shade and martyr yourself, when the solution is very simple: walk away from the friendship. 

You don't get any points in life for "being a good friend" to people you can't respect.  

 

[boltnrun]

I agree with @MissCanuck

It seems apparent you don't like these people and are borderline contemptuous of how they choose to conduct their lives. So why retain them as friends?

I've "outgrown" friends. Particularly one who did some things that I found morally offensive. I am not Ms. Morals by any means, but this former friend passed her child off as her husband's for TEN years and only told him the truth when he found out about another affair she was having and confronted her. I don't think that's cool, to say the least. But instead of acting like her friend but secretly judging her behind her back, I walked away from the friendship. 

So if you think what this friend is doing is wrong, simply remove yourself as a bridesmaid and step away from the friendship. 

[Batya33]

I didn't actually understand this part -so they're not saying it's a renewal of the vows -or a belated reception to celebrate the marriage? Who is officiating this time?? My friend planned a big Catholic wedding in the mid 90s.  But her husband  to be really wanted them to move in together before the wedding -months before. She agreed but only if they got married legally so they did -but didn't tell her parents -because as it turned out -he hadn't received his annulment from his first (Catholic) marriage.  Well she told her parents a couple of weeks before the wedding that -they'd already married and that her groom didn't yet get his annulment. Parents were livid and threatened to cancel.  But they agreed that the priest would do a "renewal of the vows" which we all were told.  We went and had a blast- point is though that we were told beforehand which was the right thing to do IMO.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't actually understand this part -so they're not saying it's a renewal of the vows -or a belated reception to celebrate the marriage? Who is officiating this time?? My friend planned a big Catholic wedding in the mid 90s.  But her husband  to be really wanted them to move in together before the wedding -months before. She agreed but only if they got married legally so they did -but didn't tell her parents -because as it turned out -he hadn't received his annulment from his first (Catholic) marriage.  Well she told her parents a couple of weeks before the wedding that -they'd already married and that her groom didn't yet get his annulment. Parents were livid and threatened to cancel.  But they agreed that the priest would do a "renewal of the vows" which we all were told.  We went and had a blast- point is though that we were told beforehand which was the right thing to do IMO.

It would’ve been a Convalidation. My husband and I were not married in the Catholic Church initially but had our  marriage Convalidated  11 years later.

[Batya33]

Just now, Seraphim said:

It would’ve been a Convalidation. My husband and I were not married in the Catholic Church initially but had our  marriage Convalidated  11 years later.

He finally got his annulment years later and they had a catholic ceremony. I believe he had told her he was getting the annulment but actually it was delayed.  Big mess.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't actually understand this part -so they're not saying it's a renewal of the vows -or a belated reception to celebrate the marriage? Who is officiating this time?? My friend planned a big Catholic wedding in the mid 90s.  But her husband  to be really wanted them to move in together before the wedding -months before. She agreed but only if they got married legally so they did -but didn't tell her parents -because as it turned out -he hadn't received his annulment from his first (Catholic) marriage.  Well she told her parents a couple of weeks before the wedding that -they'd already married and that her groom didn't yet get his annulment. Parents were livid and threatened to cancel.  But they agreed that the priest would do a "renewal of the vows" which we all were told.  We went and had a blast- point is though that we were told beforehand which was the right thing to do IMO.

No renewal, no celebration, no late reception. She- Laura,  is going all out with a bridal shower, though she was already a bride three years ago. A Bachelorette, though she hasn't been a single lady in three years, and they are calling this their only wedding. If anyone asks or finds out about the first elopement, she says how covid ruined their plans. She even put on their wedding website how covid ruined their original plans. But this isn't true. They never had a wedding planned in 2020 at all.  

I know people whose wedding was genuinely planned for 2020 and they had to postpone. She was barely engaged (December 2019) when covid hit, they had no wedding planned at all, and they ran off and eloped with only one witness and an officiant, because they chose to in secret. It wasn't some forced- our wedding was cancelled thing. There was no wedding to begin with. 

We actually have a mutual friend- Josephina,  who did elope and she thinks this whole thing is absurd and rude to expect us to give gifts and shower her like she was never married. Josephina eloped, never expected anything from us and still doesn't years later. She said how elopement was their choice, so they knew they weren't getting the wedding experience.  

This friend of mine- Laura has always been on the fast track to marriage. We have another mutual friend- Kendra who dated a guy for 5 years. He popped the question summer of 2019 to Kendra. After that, all Laura could talk about was how she'll be engaged by the end of the year. 

She barely knew this guy for long before they got engaged. They were friends with benefits from October 2018 to April 2019, he then made it official after getting booty calls. Then in August of 2019, there were some cheating allegations, but Laura overlooked it, obsessed with marriage. Then he proposed in December of 2019, after she picked out and bought her own ring. 

Then she kept going around saying how she and Kendra are getting married and it seemed she was rushing to catch up with Kendra, so they could be together in it. Kendra planned her wedding for 2021, so then Laura rushed to elope in 2020. 

Then they ran off and eloped in summer of 2020. Then she suddenly said she was getting married in 2021, three weeks after Kendra's date. Kendra is a really nice person. But she finally spoke up and told her it was too much to have a wedding so close to her own. So then Laura made it 2023. 

And now she is having a huge wedding and the whole she-bang like none of that ever happened. 

 

[boltnrun]

Again, a long list of things you don't like about her.

So why pretend to be her friend and continue with this charade? Just tell her you're not going to participate. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, a long list of things you don't like about her.

So why pretend to be her friend and continue with this charade? Just tell her you're not going to participate. 

Yup. That is called a fake friend. Plus every person’s wedding is their own business. If she wants to have 53 weddings so be it . We had our wedding and then Convalidation many years later. 

[MissCanuck]

I wonder what these women would say if they knew how much you disparage them behind their backs. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

And now she is having a huge wedding 

Sorry this is happening. At some level you know watching these "friends" get married and have expensive weddings etc is very painful for you to watch. 

Unfortunately it seems to pour salt in your wounds that they apparently have what has eluded you.  You already know you can easily decline and just send a token card/gift, since you were involved but don't want to be.

Try to focus on your own goals and happiness. If that means addressing the depression/anxiety with a therapist/physician or addressing the financial constraints and learning to say no to things you can't afford or addressing feeling isolated and lonely working from home,etc. 

 Since you don't agree with their tacky way of going about things, don't participate. Politely bow out of whatever you can.

 

 

[Batya33]

I agree with Bolt -you disdain her and it's related to the part of her life she's asked you to support her in by being a bridesmaid.  You cannot so bow out.  My husband and I as I've written here had a fabulous and fabulously small wedding.  I did not have a bridal registry.

I did do a baby registry but only told people who asked (it was more for my purposes -good way back then to keep a list of stuff).  No showers, no parties. Two of my then good friends said "do you want a bridal shower/bachelorette party or dinner with just the three of us"  I chose the latter and they took me to a farm to table lovely inn type place right in the middle of the city. I believe they gave me a wedding gift too? They are single and had had big parties for their milestone bdays so I'd given them gifts as well.

They weren't invited to my wedding (which had 10 guests one of which was the officiant's wife).  They were invited to  a post birth gathering where we announced the baby's name etc - no gifts asked for, many brought gifts. My husband was up for doing an actual reception months later and I declined - but had we done so I would have been transparent of course of it just being a party and I would have wanted no gifts. Instead we planned a large surprise party for my in-laws' 50th wedding anniversary.  That is how a number of family and friends were able to as a bonus see us and meet the baby.  

I share the details because to me it's all about intentions.  I am really not a fan of throwing parties for gifts-like all the gender reveal/showers/engagement parties that happen shortly before the wedding/bachelorette where it is pricey or destination and on and on.  I am a fan of people wanting to invite others to celebrate with them because they love seeing everyone -and want their presence without presents.  

I'll give one more example of how I think it "should" be.  We had a wedding lunch at our local italian place with my wedding cake delivered from the local bakery.  During the lunch the waiter told us that someone had called to ask that we all be treated to Champagne (maybe wine too??) -his treat. It was one of our cousins who wasn't invited and lived far away.  To me this was the epitome of true generosity and support (although the bride couldn't drink given her delicate condition lol) - he knew he wasn't invited, he'd been close with my husband and delighted we'd chosen to marry and he simply wanted to express his congratulations from a distance. 

Had he simply called to do so or whatever totally fine (without also gifting us the champagne)-I love when people just step aside from keeping score/formalities and if you want to be nice, be nice.

Also sure if you're just a guest and you're not the hugest fan of who you're celebrating totally fine to show up.  But don't do the fake friend/fake bridesmaid thing.  And anyway you wouldn't even be going.  She just wants your wallet it seems? And you want nothing to do with her.  

[Starlight925]

People throw celebrations all the time, for all sorts of things, some of which make sense to us, some of which do not.

Vow renewals are seen by some as gift grabs, whereas for others, they are lovely occasions.

My point is, regardless of the reason for this celebration, you are an invited guest, and you are being invited as a participant as well (bridesmaid).

It is your prerogative to feel elated for this couple and participate 100%, or to feel that this is a money/gift grab, and stay home, or somewhere in between.

Me?  I'd go and celebrate with them.  There will probably be great food, great entertainment, and fun people to hang out with.  If you want to not participate from a bridesmaid standpoint, you could just tell her that:  that you'd love to celebrate, but from a guest perspective, and that you hope she respects that.  And yes, bring a nice gift.

Do I think it's tacky to ask people to donate money for.....any reason?  (other than, please donate to our favorite animal shelter, etc.).  Yes.  Tacky, tacky, tacky.  I'd purposely bring a crystal salad bowl instead, lol.

[Seraphim]

I never had a bridal shower or bachelorette party or anything. I got married and invited 45 people. We had the reception at my mom’s house. 
 

My Convalidation we invited our parents and siblings and my brother’s toddler daughters . We had a party with them at home . Nothing else. 
 

However, I don’t begrudge anyone how they want to celebrate or how often. Enough people imposed their wishes on my wedding to leave me peed off 29 years later. People shouldn’t have those feelings about their wedding . 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I never had a bridal shower or bachelorette party or anything. I got married and invited 45 people. We had the reception at my mom’s house. 
 

My Convalidation we invited our parents and siblings and my brother’s toddler daughters . We had a party with them at home . Nothing else. 
 

However, I don’t begrudge anyone how they want to celebrate or how often. Enough people imposed their wishes on my wedding to leave me peed off 29 years later. People shouldn’t have those feelings about their wedding . 

Yes. And to Starlight -I thought the OP said she cannot attend the wedding given the distance?? 

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I wonder what these women would say if they knew how much you disparage them behind their backs. 

Most people disparage each other behind each others backs.   It all happens behind closed doors.  People talk or write which is universal.

Also,  electronically,  online,  social media,  cell phones,  texts,  messages,  emails,  voicemails,  phone chats,  in person,  public,  confidentially or privately.  It happens all the time.  😐