Woman thinks im using her to get over ex-relationship

[Eero]

So i broke up from relationship of many years about 6-7 months ago. I met a woman who i was not looking for about 4 months ago. Everything about her was worth seeing it through even though i was definitely not looking for anything new. I tried to be cautious with my feelings, but couldnt really help it since she made me believe in relationship again and seemed to feel the same way as I, and want same things from life.
 

She however fears really much that this is a rebound relationship for me, so much that im getting afraid its going to be a problem.. Im aware of what rebound relationship is, and for me this is not it. I understand her fears, but I seem to be completely unable to make her believe what I want from her and feel towards her is real and i want to be committed with her. We have had many discussions about it but she just keeps telling me that I could say anything to her without actually meaning it.. she also has some trust issues.

What can i do to help her trusting me here? Any ideas..? I know time can help, but will appreciate input.

 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Eero said:

She however fears really much that this is a rebound relationship for me, 

All you can do is stop talking about your previous relationships and focus on this relationship.

For example make sure you've had the exclusive talk. Focus on her and your future. Make plans to go places and do things so she gets the feeling that you're in with both feet rather than killing time until you get over your ex.

Make sure your ex is deleted and blocked from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Eero said:

What can i do to help her trusting me here?

Nothing. Nothing more than you have already done, anyway. Assuming you are no longer connected to your ex in any way, there is not much more you can do. 

At some point, she is going to have to either have some faith in you, or end it. I would not continue to entertain these sorts of conversations though, if you find you're just repeating yourself. Tell her that you understand her concerns and would like this to work but she needs to do her part in trusting your intentions, too. 

[Batya33]

Agree with Miss Canuck. Tell her with I statements "I feel hurt that you don't trust me not to 'use" you.  I don't use people and I am not using you.  I want to date you and get to know you.  But not if I am treated like I am guilty of treating you like a rebound until I "prove" I am not -that's not fair to either of us."

[smackie9]

There is nothing you can do about it. She is insecure by nature, but she puts a label on it as "trust issues". Doesn't matter if you are fresh out of a relationship or not, she's going to find something to be insecure about. Reassuring her feeds/enables her insecurity. She gets insecure and looks for reassurance. She gets her fix, it wears off, feels insecure, again continues to seek reassurance. It's an unbreakable cycle. You can say whatever you want, but she will go right back into it because it's a psychological issue. Putting your foot down will only escalate the problem and make her feel worse until she seeks some professional help. 

[SooSad33]

Are YOU ready, already?  To be fully involved again..already?

Your last long-term relationship ended pretty much 2 mos before you began something with her... I'd be concerned as well! ( who ended it?  were you two drifting apart over time?)

Are you willing to admit you are not ever wondering or thinking about your ex?  Do you ever think about reaching out to the ex again?  Do you occasionally wonder about her?

Seriously, I would be concerned as well.  Whether this new gal may have some security issue's or not, I can see her point.

 

[lostandhurt]

Some questions

1. Who broke up with who?

2. Was it a slow motion break up where you saw it coming for a long time or sudden?

3. Do you still love your ex?  Pretty hard to turn those feelings off quickly.

4. How long were you together before the break up?

5. Why did you break up?

6. In the 2 months before you met this new woman what did you do to heal?

7. How did you meet the new woman?

Lost

[smackie9]

IMO any relationship is a crap shoot whether it's after a fresh break up or not. No matter what, everyone takes their chances. My question is, if she is upset about it/ has trust issues, why the hell would she even consider dating anyone fresh out of a relationship in the first place??

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Seriously, I would be concerned as well.  Whether this new gal may have some security issue's or not, I can see her point.

Right, but then why continue dating him?  She should avoid men fresh out of relationships rather than bring up over and over how worried she is about this. OP can only reassure her so many times before the onus is on her to walk away if she's that concerned. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well if she has trust issues in general then I don't think you can really do much about that. This is something she would need to work on herself, maybe with a therapist. How did your long term relationship end? Was it a situation where you already lost feelings for that person before breaking up? You could say to your girlfriend that you had actually moved on from the previous relationship even before it was over. So that's why you didn't have feelings for your ex anymore when you started dating her.

I think personally what would make me feel secure that the person really wants to be with me is basically them acting enthusiastic about me and including me in their life. For example, texting me regularly, asking me on nice dates regularly. Also making me part of their life like inviting me out with their friends, introducing to their family, things like that. And doing special things for me, e.g. buy or cook me my favourite food. 

Having said that, I don't think you need to go overboard to show her you're serious. I guess at the end of the day she just has to trust you. She did choose to date a man only two months out of a long term relationship. So she needs to be able to handle it, otherwise she shouldn't be dating you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure you have all good intentions, yet I can certainly understand why she's hesitant about going forward here. 

I'm not sure why you're in a hurry to start dating again after ending a long term relationship in a matter of 2-3 months. Because of that, I think you're taking a risk, rather than taking the time to get your thoughts, along with  your life together.  Of course, to each their own, and this is JMO.

[Kwothe28]

Contrary to popular opinion I dont think its much of a problem for some people to move on. Even after a long relationship. Depending on who broke up and how they broke up. Some long relationships are "dead" long before they are officially over. So that "deducts" the time one or both person need to move. And time somebody needs is individual. Somebody can move on after few weeks and somebody needs a therapy. If you managed to accept it is over with your ex, managed to put that behind, not compare your new girlfriend with ex, not in contact with your ex and stuff like that, I think its not a problem to just find somebody new. Which you did. And depending on a stuff I mentioned, it shouldnt be a rebound.

I think, due to her reaction, you are not realizing the problem isnt you. Its her. She is the one that is insecure enough and with trust issues to even mention how "she is just a rebound". And needs reassurance from you that she is not. Its what some people that have been "burned" in relationships do. Seek reassurance from other person all the time. That you will not leave them, that you will not cheat on them etc. But that ultimately is their problem and their issue. Not yours. And there is nothing you can do about that. She needs to work on that, not you.

 

[Lambert]

16 hours ago, Eero said:

What can i do to help her trusting me here? Any ideas..?

Sometimes you have accept that the other person's trust issues, insecurities etc are just that, their's.

You can't help her.  She has to work on herself and decide to take the risk.  Convincing someone you are sincere doesn't really seem in line with this:

16 hours ago, Eero said:

she made me believe in relationship again and seemed to feel the same way as I, and want same things from life.

And might imply you are not seeing things as clearly as you think.

What's the rush? If she's nervous about things, slow down. Let actions speak. 

[catfeeder]

Next time she raises it, I would say, "Okay. You get to decide whether you're in or out. If you want out, I'll leave it up to you if you ever want to contact me again. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet again to catch up. Your choice, but if you're in, we're not going to have this conversation again."

Then I'd shut up and leave the rest up to her.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Contrary to popular opinion I dont think its much of a problem for some people to move on. Even after a long relationship. Depending on who broke up and how they broke up. Some long relationships are "dead" long before they are officially over.

Yes, I have been there. 

Years back, I dated an ex for 5 years. We lived together, but the last couple years, it was basically the two of us living as roomates. The romance was over, and I ended it and moved out. I was more than ready to move on by then. A couple months later, I met the man who would become my next boyfriend, and we ended up dating for nearly 8 years.

So, while I get the concern about being newly out of a relationship and appreciate that it's best to err on the side of caution, it can and does happen that the person in question is ready for something new. From what OP wrote, that's the case for him. His girlfriend needs to decide if she trusts that.