Husband and I are at odds . Should I move on

[Tiffany1981]

My husband and I have been married for almost two years  and for the last few months my husband   can’t seem to get it together  with his finances .  First off let me start off to say that I am pretty much taking care of him . I pay the entire rent , all the other bills such as Internet and Cable  ,   car note , car insurance , cable , AND food and toiletries while he pays for Nothing  for these past several months  
 I’m getting frustrated because my husband doesn’t want help out  . He  feels since J make much more money than he does I should carry the bills of the household . Now granted , he  drives for Lyft rideshare  full time and drive for  Uber at one point  , but got fired from Uber due to customer complaints Yet   He claims  he doesn’t make that much money but  when I try to suggest other employment he automatically  shuts down the conversation .
 

Whenever I try to suggest  other employment or  even start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add he tells me that   because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .
When I ask him what does he mean by “obdient “ he just goes on to say “I do not obey “ and I do not do every single thing he tells me to do “.

 

 In his opinion , He feels we should downsize , Andlive in a cheap hotel in the area  or an RV , or out in the woods or something so we don’t have to pay rent and he has even suggested living in a car which I refuse .

 

 In addition ,  He refuses to tell me how much money he makes , and or the bills he has to pay every month So I really have no idea , how much money he makes from Lyft and or the bills he pays on a monthly basis and or the reason for the issues with his finances .I don’t have access to his bank accounts / debit cards / credit cards and when I ask him he shuts Me down and refuses to show me any bank statements or pay check stubs .

 

One of my dreams is to buy a home , he basically told me he Is not sure if he can contribute to the mortgage every month so to make sure when I do buy a home to make sure only   I can pay the mortgage on my own and without his help  because his income is not stable . 
 

Our marriage is on its last leg standing . I can’t depend on him anymore to do his part . He just lies and make promises he refuses to keep . As of six months ago , he just aburptly stopped paying half the rent ., plus he doesn’t help with the car note , not even the insurance ,  groceries or toiletries , nothing  at all .  He drives the car more than I do .. yet he doesn’t give me any money towards the car in a while . Over a year it’s been since he had given me type of money towards the maintenance and or the car note , and he’s  the one driving it all day  to work  to do rideshare , while I work two jobs to keep us afloat  .He doesn’t contribute financially like he should , and  to add insult Injury we haven’t  had sex in over eight months!!  . I don’t know what to do!!. Should I stay or hang in there with him until he tries to better himself ? 
Plus on top of everything else , I recently just found out he has been lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school ,  and his educational background  . I’m just so shocked and can’t believe I m in this situation .  And he has been flirting with other women . 

[Coily]

He has long checked out of the marriage, and it seems that it would be best if you make steps yourself to leave.

it would be one thing if he had been fired and then depressed, while attempting to turn things around. But instead you have a clown of a husband who wants to run off and live in the woods. This is not healthy, especially as he is a married man; so unless he is having a severe mental crisis, I think he’s not living in reality.

 I am really sorry to be this blunt, but he’s going to drag you down to his level of bum if you stay. Now maybe before jumping the gun you set a deadline for him to turn things towards a healthy direction. However I don’t think he’s willing to do so. Throw in the lies and deceit, can you really even say you know the man you married?

[boltnrun]

Did he start being underemployed in the last two years, after you got married? Or was he like this before you decided to marry him?

[Tiffany1981]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did he start being underemployed in the last two years, after you got married? Or was he like this before you decided to marry him?

He was underemployed when I met him . When I met him , he was staying a office space for 300.00 without a bathroom and kitchen  with a part time remote data entry job .

 

[Tiffany1981]

11 minutes ago, Coily said:

He has long checked out of the marriage, and it seems that it would be best if you make steps yourself to leave.

it would be one thing if he had been fired and then depressed, while attempting to turn things around. But instead you have a clown of a husband who wants to run off and live in the woods. This is not healthy, especially as he is a married man; so unless he is having a severe mental crisis, I think he’s not living in reality.

 I am really sorry to be this blunt, but he’s going to drag you down to his level of bum if you stay. Now maybe before jumping the gun you set a deadline for him to turn things towards a healthy direction. However I don’t think he’s willing to do so. Throw in the lies and deceit, can you really even say you know the man you married?

No I really don’t to be honest . 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Tiffany1981 said:

He was underemployed when I met him . When I met him , he was staying a office space for 300.00 without a bathroom and kitchen  with a part time remote data entry job .

 

So did you marry him expecting he would "change"?

[Tiffany1981]

And to add insult to injury , I found flirty texts on his Iwatch with other women , sometimes while I was asleep in the other room. Smh . I have caught him sexting other women , he even bought one woman some Victoria secret lingerie , he had sent money to toe he women via cash app to quote on quote “ to do GOD s work “ yet he always have issues when I ask him for help .

[Tiffany1981]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So did you marry him expecting he would "change"?

I thought so 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I thought so 

And he probably expected you to accept him. He clearly demonstrated to you who he was yet you chose to marry him anyway. He probably figured you loved him as is and wouldn't ask him to change.

Did you in fact love him as he was two years ago? Why not now?

I'm not trying to bust your chops, but it doesn't make sense to marry an underemployed drifter and then be surprised when he drifts along underemployed. 

I would divorce him ASAP if that's what you think is best. If you remain married to him for much longer you might be ordered to pay him spousal support. 

[lostandhurt]

For a moment lets forget about money.

Look at his actions not his words.

-He lies to you

-He expects you to be forthcoming but he is not

-He wants an obedient wife, not a partner

-He contributes virtually nothing to the marraige

-He has no dreams or goals other than working as little as possible.

-He is a lazy slacker

Basically you are his sugar momma but you aren't even getting any sugar in return. 2 years married and no sex in 8 months?  I am surprised you have lasted this long.

 Being single is way better than this.  He will not change because he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong plain and simple.

It doesn't matter how you got here or why, what does matter is your husband is sucking the life and money out of you.

Save yourself as soon as possible.  There is no shame in admitting you married the wrong guy.

 Lost

[1a1a]

DTMFA 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

My husband and I have been married for almost two years.   I recently just found out he has been lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school ,  and his educational background  . 

Can you have the marriage annulled? The first step is to start severing finances and consult an attorney for your options in divorce or annulment.  It's hard to say if he's a con man, has mental health issues or whatever, but either way the sooner you cut your losses, the better.

[basscheck]

I've seen how people can be a drain on other people like this. Sometimes it's easier to stay together, but I feel like in the long run you'll be better off leaving as it gets harder to leave mentally as time goes on. It may be worth bringing up the topic of a divorce and voicing your reasoning. Perhaps he just needs the shock to get things back in order. Couples counseling could be another option as well. The sending other women money thing feels like the biggest deal breaker of all to me. I hope you can find peace in whatever path you choose

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Whenever I try to suggest  other employment or  even start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add he tells me that   because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .

Wut?

Your husband is a lazy SoB. And by "obedient wife" talk probably a member of one particular religion that doesnt really value women in general. Get out of there before he drags you into debt or worst starts to practice "obedient wife" talk.

[Batya33]

No people don't change their work ethic values and financial values just because they get married -marriage is not a car wash.  He doesn't want to change and he's living the good life with you footing all the bills. I would separate.  I'd have a different view if he initiated a plan to see various financial counselors plus get therapy plus get a job.  The firing from Uber -in this context -is pretty alarming too (meaning I'm sure good drivers/hard working people get fired from rideshare companies but I bet this was his fault).

[gamon]

A woman marries a man thinking she's going to change him, a man marries a woman thinking she'll never change.

 

[Lambert]

I would be gone today. 

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, gamon said:

A woman marries a man thinking she's going to change him, a man marries a woman thinking she'll never change.

 

Some for sure.  I was aware of that cliche.  I absolutely did not.  And I changed some - I bet my husband would say he wouldn't have expected it.  I'm type A and very inspired by his Type B ways and outlook.

Seems to me the OP settled for marriage because of some unrelated needs -unrelated to loving this person and wanting to be with this person.  There's a backstory for sure.

[Coily]

9 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

And to add insult to injury , I found flirty texts on his Iwatch with other women , sometimes while I was asleep in the other room. Smh . I have caught him sexting other women , he even bought one woman some Victoria secret lingerie , he had sent money to toe he women via cash app to quote on quote “ to do GOD s work “ yet he always have issues when I ask him for help .

Wow, just wow. This guy has no respect for the sanctity of marriage, and no respect for you. Time to run away from this... this bum.

[Tiffany1981]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No people don't change their work ethic values and financial values just because they get married -marriage is not a car wash.  He doesn't want to change and he's living the good life with you footing all the bills. I would separate.  I'd have a different view if he initiated a plan to see various financial counselors plus get therapy plus get a job.  The firing from Uber -in this context -is pretty alarming too (meaning I'm sure good drivers/hard working people get fired from rideshare companies but I bet this was his fault).

Yes it was from flirting and exchanging personal numbers and then meeting up with some of his riders which is against the company policy . He’s basically created a sham / fake business which he doesn’t have and had business cards made up to look like he has a business 

[Tiffany1981]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No people don't change their work ethic values and financial values just because they get married -marriage is not a car wash.  He doesn't want to change and he's living the good life with you footing all the bills. I would separate.  I'd have a different view if he initiated a plan to see various financial counselors plus get therapy plus get a job.  The firing from Uber -in this context -is pretty alarming too (meaning I'm sure good drivers/hard working people get fired from rideshare companies but I bet this was his fault).

We tried counseling with a few therapists , unfortunately he did not like or agree with the therpaist point of view or recommendations . Plus I was paying for it , and he wasn’t really trying so we stopped going 

[Batya33]

Please get out of this marriage particularly given his inappropriate behavior when he was an employee.  Too much of a risk of his shady behavior affecting your financial or professional reputation.  Also he’s likely to male someone’s male partner or spouse angry who will want to retaliate.  Disassociate yourself from this risky person. 

[Graystation108]

From the info you're giving us, he's taking you completely for granted, thinking that since I can't have a wife that's dependent on me, I'll make her pay the price for it. Nothing much to say for this other than get out ASAP, if he refuses to sign the divorce papers take it to court. I live in Australia so the legal system might be a bit different than where you live, but under our system, since you're the one paying all the bills you should have enough evidence that he has contributed nothing to the marriage, so he shouldn't be eligible to take anything from you. Best of luck if you do choose to leave (highly recommended), you deserve better of a life and a boy like this (specifically not calling him a man due to this childish behavior

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

  lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school ,  and his educational background  . 

If you married under false pretenses, annulment could be the easiest, least expensive way to recover your life from someone this parasitic. Research his name addresses etc and see if what comes up. It seems like he has a double life and scams women. 

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

to add insult Injury we haven’t  had sex in over eight months!!  . I don’t know what to do!!. Should I stay or hang in there with him until he tries to better himself ? 
Plus on top of everything else , I recently just found out he has been lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school ,  and his educational background  . I’m just so shocked and can’t believe I m in this situation .  And he has been flirting with other women . 

21 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I found flirty texts on his Iwatch with other women , sometimes while I was asleep in the other room. Smh . I have caught him sexting other women , he even bought one woman some Victoria secret lingerie , he had sent money to toe he women via cash app to quote on quote “ to do GOD s work “ yet he always have issues when I ask him for help .

No, definitely do not stay.

How did you end up marrying this person?!?!?