Husband and I are at odds . Should I move on

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I understand that . But when I asked him the reason for the change of clothes , it just didn’t make any sense for his response .but maybe I shouldn’t have even asked him about it and just left the topic alone for another time . 

I don't think you need to ask him any of this. I think you know what you need to do and if you take those steps it won't matter anymore which clothes he wears or brings with him.

[boltnrun]

What exactly are you getting out of this sham marriage? "But I LOVE him!!" or "We get along really well!!!" don't make sense when he treats you so poorly and like you're an unlimited line of credit for him to use. 

[Tiffany1981]

On 5/5/2023 at 4:39 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Is it your place or his place or do you co-lease or co-own. Are you from different cultures or countries?  Is it possible he's sending money home to his wife/GF and children?

He he just a boarder in your house? Did you ever get legally married and if so, why?  It's unclear what you mean by "obey". Is that a thing in your culture or his?

All you need to do is sever ties financially and legally since you are just roommates. 

We are legally married . Both American citizens . As far as I know he do not send money to his children .. I think one is 19 , and the other two aged are 17 and 15 … the obey thing is according to him … what GOD says k. The Bible .. even though I do not agree … we are renting a long term airbnb …. We got married because we wanted to see if we could come together and work …

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

We are legally married . Both American citizens . … we are renting a long term airbnb ….  …

This is good news. It makes it much easier to sever ties and walk away. Since there's no children and no real joint assets, divorcing could be simple and affordable. 

Perhaps don't renew your lease and use this time to legally divorce. This way when the lease is up you could walk away a free woman and start dating compatible men who want what you want. 

[Tinydance]

On 5/5/2023 at 6:31 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

Exactly ! I feel like we are just roommates . We sleep on different rooms. Don’t have sex . Have seperate bank accounts . Have never met his children or immediate family member. 
doesn’t share too many personal details about himself . And when I mention all these issues to him ., his response is always “ learn to obey “ .. 

OK what??!! Why are you actually with this guy??!

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

We are legally married . Both American citizens . As far as I know he do not send money to his children .. I think one is 19 , and the other two aged are 17 and 15 … the obey thing is according to him … what GOD says k. The Bible .. even though I do not agree … we are renting a long term airbnb …. We got married because we wanted to see if we could come together and work …

Is he in some kind of religious cult or living 200 years ago? Lol

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

We are legally married . Both American citizens . As far as I know he do not send money to his children .. I think one is 19 , and the other two aged are 17 and 15 … the obey thing is according to him … what GOD says k. The Bible .. even though I do not agree … we are renting a long term airbnb …. We got married because we wanted to see if we could come together and work …

In most religions that is not a reason to get married "to see if we can come together and work" - the vows say differently.  I mean we got married religiously and as a precondition our officiant- who knew my husband for years and knew me too - made us come to a pre-marital session -not officially counseling but a session -he had to make sure we were taking vows for the right reasons. I am certain if he'd thought we were so tentative and precarious he'd have declined as a person who served a higher power and was a religious person.  It's not about cherry picking "obey me as my spouse" while "yeah let's roll the dice and get married even though we're nowhere near ready for that"

[Tiffany1981]

On 5/7/2023 at 1:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

This is good news. It makes it much easier to sever ties and walk away. Since there's no children and no real joint assets, divorcing could be simple and affordable. 

Perhaps don't renew your lease and use this time to legally divorce. This way when the lease is up you could walk away a free woman and start dating compatible men who want what you want. 

Sort of ..I’m kinda in a bind . We talked about a post nuptial agreement . He promised he would sign it , but when I brought the forms for him to sign .He refused . Explained he thinks I am just setting him up to divorce him .. wants us to work it out and go on vacations every month to try to help our relationship ..

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Sort of ..I’m kinda in a bind . We talked about a post nuptial agreement . He promised he would sign it , but when I brought the forms for him to sign .He refused . Explained he thinks I am just setting him up to divorce him .. wants us to work it out and go on vacations every month to try to help our relationship ..

Did you check with an attorney if post nuptial agreements are even a thing? 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

 I brought the forms for him to sign .He refused . 

All you need to do is contact an attorney. 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Sort of ..I’m kinda in a bind . We talked about a post nuptial agreement . He promised he would sign it , but when I brought the forms for him to sign .He refused . Explained he thinks I am just setting him up to divorce him .. wants us to work it out and go on vacations every month to try to help our relationship ..

Who will pay for these monthly vacations?

[Tiffany1981]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Did you check with an attorney if post nuptial agreements are even a thing? 

They are recognized by the court in the state of Georgia 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

They are recognized by the court in the state of Georgia 

He wouldn't sign it so you're not in a bind. You can simply contact an attorney for advice, facts and options in the event of divorce.  However you seem undecided and hopeful that your marriage works out.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

They are recognized by the court in the state of Georgia 

Oh ok -I wouldn't know and glad you checked.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/8/2023 at 6:54 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

 .. wants us to work it out and go on vacations every month to try to help our relationship ..

Going on vacation won't solve the multitude of financial and other problems you're having.

You don't need postnuptial agreements or permission to divorce.   Divorce is a unilateral decision. It occurs when one person is so unhappy, that they need to dissolve a marriage they feel is untenable. 

Discontinue talking about divorce with your husband. It's not a negotiation. It's just creating more drama.

Instead get factual accurate advice from an attorney about your options in divorce and how to proceed. If you are afraid to be alone, perhaps with some professional advice you could get a clearer picture of whether staying and trying to fix and change him will ever make you happy.

[MissCanuck]

Unti you do some serious work on your self-esteem, you will remain in this farce of a marriage. 

[JustADude79]

On 4/11/2023 at 9:04 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

1 -My husband and I have been married for almost two years 
 

2 - Whenever I try to suggest  other employment or  even start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add he tells me that   because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .
When I ask him what does he mean by “obdient “ he just goes on to say “I do not obey “ and I do not do every single thing he tells me to do “.

3 -As of six months ago , he just aburptly stopped paying half the rent ., plus he doesn’t help with the car note , not even the insurance ,  groceries or toiletries , nothing  at all .  He drives the car more than I do .. yet he doesn’t give me any money towards the car in a while . Over a year it’s been since he had given me type of money towards the maintenance and or the car note , and he’s  the one driving it all day  to work  to do rideshare , while I work two jobs to keep us afloat  

4 - Plus on top of everything else , I recently just found out he has been lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school ,  and his educational background  . I’m just so shocked and can’t believe I m in this situation .  And he has been flirting with other women. 

1 - Two years living together is about how long it takes to really get to know someone. Now you do. The longer you let it continue, the harder it will be to break off.

2 - What in the actual heck. That should be all the red flag you needed to run fast and far.

3 - This will NEVER get better. I've seen this exact thing play out with a family member. (and I'm in the same geographic region as you.) If he don't want to work, he ain't going to work - period. You are basically supporting a freeloader.
Unless, and until, he is forced to fend for himself, he will never lift a serious finger to contribute anything to anything. Whether it's you or the next person, he's always going to behave as such.

4 - If all the other things weren't enough, this should be the item to push you firmly into the "get the heck out" phase.

[Tiffany1981]

Just a quick update ..tried to talk to him about the issues we are having .the whole secrecy with his family ..the issues with no intimacy and Romance for the past nine months . And he still hasn’t changed .he suggested we go on vacation for Memorial Day .. I start to suggest ideas and he tells me “I am only spending 250.00 and you will have to pay the other half or remaining cost” . This was his idea and now he’s asking me to pay half of the vacation costs “ I just told him I don’t want to go now .then in at the same o arms e  I was sitting by him the couch and someone was calling him and he immediately put the phone Down so I couldn’t see who was calling hom  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring I actually saw him as he put the ring on whole he was sitting on the car then he walked into the house as nothing happenned . Smh 

[MissCanuck]

So, what are you going to do about this?

 

[Batya33]

This is chaotic. Why are you grabbing his phone ? If you don’t trust him that’s the part you either seek counseling about or leave. At this point.  Do you typically split costs as a married couple for vacations?

[Tiffany1981]

Typically we do split the costs for vacations 

[Tiffany1981]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is chaotic. Why are you grabbing his phone ? If you don’t trust him that’s the part you either seek counseling about or leave. At this point.  Do you typically split costs as a married couple for vacations?

Because he told me to not look at his phone 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Because he told me to not look at his phone 

Right. So why are you violating his privacy ?  I wouldn’t want my husband looking at my text conversations with my girlfriends. And if he seemed to be looking I’d turn the phone over   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tiffany1981 said:

  I tried to grab the phone and he told me “don’t worry about my phone mind your own business “so  today I see him pulling up in driveway as I was peeking through the window  I noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring.

So you suspect he's cheating? If that's the case, grabbing his phone won't help. Please talk to an attorney and your therapist about what is going on so you can help yourself with the situation. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

Typically we do split the costs for vacations 

Oh ok.  I’m more familiar with married couples pooling $ to a larger extent. Whatever works !