Disrespectful girlfriend that nags a lot

[frabjous_id]

Ok. I have a girlfriend who I truly and dearly love, she helps me sometimes with my laundry and cooking and works 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week. As for me, I work remotely with 3 organizations and I assist her financially, provide food sometimes, and provide her with some things money can't buy/get in specific scenarios. This particular girl is someone I plan to marry, and I even renovated my apartment to meet her demands as a condition to marry her. She's promising but very stubborn and nags a lot, I can't make simple corrections, I can't give my personal opinions to certain things and she feels she's always right. Recently I tried correcting her about being disrespectful towards me, by providing scenarios where she's done that, only for her to tag it as a personal attack, by even mentioning if she wanted a man to be with, I wasn't in her scope of men, that she'd rate me a 2/10, that however, it was only because of love. Pitied love I could detect. I also noticed she's been texting another guy, claiming it's just a casual chat, which I feel as a man having read through some of the chats, there's a potential risk of cheating. To prove this, she did not want me to read the chats or have her phone read through. As a man, being honest with her, and trying to make the relationship work, do you feel it's important to reconsider this relationship if it is actually worth it with, someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with? I’m a simple guy who respects this relationship, by not ever considering cheating on her or being rude, but it feels sometimes in my heart, something tells me she’s not the right woman for me.

[MissCanuck]

Why the heck do you want to marry someone like this?

You are in for a lifetime of misery if you do. You already know this relationship is not right for you. It's time to get out, and don't ever let a partner mistreat you again. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, frabjous_id said:

 she helps me sometimes with my laundry and cooking and works 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week. To prove this, she did not want me to read the chats or have her phone read through. 

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Are you actually engaged? 

Unfortunately you seem incompatible. You don't trust her and demanding to go through her phone is not going to resolve that.  Your arguments seem to have devolved into personal attacks on each other.

All you can do is reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you.

[Kwothe28]

You are a "provider". AKA somebody she wants to marry because you provide for stuff. Provide money, food, help her, even renovated an appartment to her taste so she could move in. Sadly, there is no atraction there. Hence why she needs other men to fill in for that part. You are indeed awaiting a life of misery if you marry somebody like that. Get rid of that leech, you deserve better.

[frabjous_id]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Are you actually engaged? 

Unfortunately you seem incompatible. You don't trust her and demanding to go through her phone is not going to resolve that.  Your arguments seem to have devolved into personal attacks on each other.

All you can do is reflect if this is the right woman/relationship for you.

Close to two years now. I own the apartment from my late parents and renovated the whole place. Yes, we stay together most of the time. We're not engaged yet, but her mum already knows my motive and I've met her. Only her dad blocked our first engagement a few weeks ago, because "we're not of the same tribe". He (the dad) told her to wait the whole year to see if it can work out. 

Concerning checking her phone, she has access to my phone because I allowed her, and it's all clean. I never have issues with that, because I'm very transparent and there's nothing hidden in my wardrobe. 

[frabjous_id]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are a "provider". AKA somebody she wants to marry because you provide for stuff. Provide money, food, help her, even renovated an appartment to her taste so she could move in. Sadly, there is no atraction there. Hence why she needs other men to fill in for that part. You are indeed awaiting a life of misery if you marry somebody like that. Get rid of that leech, you deserve better.

Thanks, man. For her to have to spit the 2/10 stuff. It was at that moment I knew I was in the wrong place. Spitting that wasn't a mistake, she has always complained/Nag about the way I dress, and my look. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a fashion person, but I dress moderately and simple.  I have tried several times to improve on that just to make her happy, but it's never enough for her,

[poorlittlefish]

2 hours ago, frabjous_id said:

...she'd rate me a 2/10.

Why waste your life with someone who rates you a pathetic 2/10?  I wonder what rating she's given the guy she's texting?  She has access to your phone because you have nothing to hide, but she doesn't want to offer the same.  You renovated your apartment to meet her demands?  OP, can't you see for yourself how one-sided this relationship is and how badly you are being played?

Ask her to pack her bags and tell her that you wish to spend your life with someone who values you far more.  (Oh, and maybe let her know that her behaviour is 2/10.)

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, frabjous_id said:

 her dad blocked our first engagement a few weeks ago, because "we're not of the same tribe". 

Is this an arranged marriage? What exactly does "not the same tribe" mean? Are there cultural or religious conflicts to overcome? Are her parents trying to find a suitable match for her?

Renovating your apartment has nothing to do with commitment. She doesn't live there or co-own it.  Does she live with her parents or have her own place?

Step back and don't let her stay at your place or cook and do chores for you. Stop doing favors for her.

She doesn't seem to have time to be in a relationship if she "helps me sometimes with my laundry and cooking and works 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week". Does she make more than you? Why is she working 72 hours a week?

This way you can reflect in peace if you are suited for each other. So far it doesn't seem like a good match.

[frabjous_id]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? What exactly does "not the same tribe" mean? Are there cultural or religious conflicts to overcome? Are her parents trying to find a more suitable match for her?

Renovating your apartment has nothing to do with commitment. She doesn't live there or co-own it. 

Step back and don't let her stay at your place or cook and do chores for you. Stop doing her favors.

This way you can reflect in peace if you are suited for each other. So far it doesn't seem like a good match.

No. It's not an arranged marriage. I met her a few months after I lost my mum, having lost my dad when I was 11. We're of the same religion, but our ethnicity is different since we're Africans. Same country but a different tribe, I hope you understand. I feel her mum likes me, as she had shown several times she would like to see me marry her daughter at the end of the day. She said her heart chooses me. However, the dad id not of that opinion.

I'll ask her to leave because at the moment we're not even talking to each other. Even after trying so hard to calm the whole tension. "She sees my communication all the time as arguments"

[frabjous_id]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? What exactly does "not the same tribe" mean? Are there cultural or religious conflicts to overcome? Are her parents trying to find a suitable match for her?

Renovating your apartment has nothing to do with commitment. She doesn't live there or co-own it.  Does she live with her parents or have her own place?

Step back and don't let her stay at your place or cook and do chores for you. Stop doing favors for her.

She doesn't seem to have time to be in a relationship if she "helps me sometimes with my laundry and cooking and works 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week". Does she make more than you? Why is she working 72 hours a week?

This way you can reflect in peace if you are suited for each other. So far it doesn't seem like a good match.

She works in a store at the mall here. 9 am to 9 pm, 6 days a week. A job I already told her she's quitting when we marry. She does not make more money than me, I'm a product designer, I work for two organizations, and I even own a startup. Her parents stay in another city, and probably the work brought her to my city where we met, and yes she has her own apartment.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, frabjous_id said:

. She said her heart chooses me. However, the dad id not of that opinion.
 the moment we're not even talking to each other. 

Do you need the father's consent to marry? There are too many conflicts. You're not happy with each other. It may be better to free yourselves and consider someone more compatible as a future wife. There doesn't seem like there's much point marrying if you are both so unhappy with each other.

[frabjous_id]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you need the father's consent to marry? There are too many conflicts. You're not happy with each other. It may be better to free yourselves and consider someone more compatible as a future wife. There doesn't seem like there's much point marrying if you are both so unhappy with each other.

Yes, I need the dad's consent to marry her. That's how it works here. It's all ending here. I only needed to put this out there to be very sure I wasn't going through emotional trauma.

[MissCanuck]

It would be incredibly foolish to marry her, OP. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, frabjous_id said:

. It's all ending here. I only needed to put this out there to be very sure I wasn't going through emotional trauma.

Dating is for the reasons you stated. To see if you are compatible and a good fit. In this instance the father didn't approve and you're not compatible. That's not really "trauma", is just disappointing after trying to make it work against all odds.

[Andrina]

Your relationship should be a soft pillow to land on after dealing with the stresses of a normal life. When instead you have a partner who pokes at you with harsh words, then yes, it's a toxic situation that shouldn't be tolerated.

Please learn in the future to make a quicker exit if a partner behaves in a dealbreaker manner. Take this as life experience of what you DON'T want in a relationship. Take care.

[Coily]

Ending things sounds like the best course for your well being, especially as she and her father sound insufferable.

I wish you the best in finding someone worth your energy.

[smackie9]

There must be someone else who would really appreciate everything you do...she's not it. 

[SherrySher]

10 hours ago, frabjous_id said:

Ok. I have a girlfriend who I truly and dearly love, she helps me sometimes with my laundry and cooking and works 9 am to 9 pm 6 days a week. As for me, I work remotely with 3 organizations and I assist her financially, provide food sometimes, and provide her with some things money can't buy/get in specific scenarios. This particular girl is someone I plan to marry, and I even renovated my apartment to meet her demands as a condition to marry her. She's promising but very stubborn and nags a lot, I can't make simple corrections, I can't give my personal opinions to certain things and she feels she's always right. Recently I tried correcting her about being disrespectful towards me, by providing scenarios where she's done that, only for her to tag it as a personal attack, by even mentioning if she wanted a man to be with, I wasn't in her scope of men, that she'd rate me a 2/10, that however, it was only because of love. Pitied love I could detect. I also noticed she's been texting another guy, claiming it's just a casual chat, which I feel as a man having read through some of the chats, there's a potential risk of cheating. To prove this, she did not want me to read the chats or have her phone read through. As a man, being honest with her, and trying to make the relationship work, do you feel it's important to reconsider this relationship if it is actually worth it with, someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with? I’m a simple guy who respects this relationship, by not ever considering cheating on her or being rude, but it feels sometimes in my heart, something tells me she’s not the right woman for me.

Your gut instinct is spot on, there is huge red flags here on why she's not the one.

You should be allowed to have personal opinions about things and not have her get angry at you, or lash out at you, or punish you.

The fact that she always feels she's right, is a huge problem.

No one is right all the time, and it takes a lot of maturity to admit fault and be open to others observations and opinions as well as realize that you might be in the wrong.

If your girlfriend can't do any of those things, then you will either end up in a lot of arguments, or you will end up being forced into a situation where you aren't allowed to say anything and can't voice your opinions, ever.

That's a mentally abusive situation to be in.

As for her texting other men, if it were a friend, then there isn't anything wrong with it.

But it does become a problem when she is trying to hide the conversation from you and is not being open with you about it.

Definitely something is going on that shouldn't be if she feels the need to be hiding things.

Another red flag that she is not being honest, not being fair and could potentially be cheating on you.

Bottom line, even though you feel she has good points, her bad points are deal breakers and she wouldn't make a good partner for marriage.

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Recently I tried correcting her about being disrespectful towards me, by providing scenarios where she's done that, only for her to tag it as a personal attack, by even mentioning if she wanted a man to be with, I wasn't in her scope of men, that she'd rate me a 2/10, that however, it was only because of love. Pitied love I could detect

You tried standing up for yourself when she was being disrespectful towards you.

Not only did she try to turn the tables, but she also insulted and was even more disrespectful and somewhat malicious towards you rating you a 2/10.

That's just downright mean.

[Lambert]

11 hours ago, frabjous_id said:

As a man, being honest with her, and trying to make the relationship work, do you feel it's important to reconsider this relationship if it is actually worth it with, someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with? I’m a simple guy who respects this relationship, by not ever considering cheating on her or being rude, but it feels sometimes in my heart, something tells me she’s not the right woman for me.

I think you are right to reconsider this woman and the relationship.

none of what you've described sounds loving or respectful on her part. 

I hope you dump her.  you deserve better.  she's showing you what married life will be like with her.  wait it will be worse! 

Whatever it takes, save yourself! 

 

[Cherylyn]

Cancel the marriage plans.  She not the right woman for you.  You'd better shop around.

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, frabjous_id said:

She's promising but very stubborn and nags a lot, I can't make simple corrections, I can't give my personal opinions to certain things and she feels she's always right. Recently I tried correcting her about being disrespectful towards me, by providing scenarios where she's done that, only for her to tag it as a personal attack, by even mentioning if she wanted a man to be with, I wasn't in her scope of men, that she'd rate me a 2/10,

Why is she promising at all?

She'd give you a 2/10?  Geeeze 😕 .  hey, if my partner couldn't give me at least a 7+, I'd seriously be reconsidering.

Let it also sink in, that she admitted you are not in her 'scope of men'....

STOP giving into someone like this, seriously!