suffocating relationship with friend!

[TeeBell]

So heres some backstory, this friend and I are quite close. We hangout regularly together and with our group of friends. She has been known to be the jealous type and has in the past questioned me for not inviting her to something that I had planned to do with a mutual friend. Its not that I didn’t want her to go its just I had planned to do this activity with our other mutual friend and I like spending time with all of them equally and have our own time together.

This friend though, she wants to be involved in everything I do. So my husband and I are members of a private club/bar (nothing gross it’s a military bar) but you have to be a member to get in and if you are not a member then you must get a member to sign you in. sometimes at this club we have events/benefits for things and fundraisers and live bands and food which are open to the public if you buy a ticket and stay in the event room only and not the private bar area. I have invited our friends to join us for events there and have even signed them in to play pool in the bar area sometimes but its mostly my husband and I who go to the bar regularly on our own with friends that we have met at the bar. So Friday night my husband and I are at the bar and all of the sudden she walks in, she said she was driving by and she saw my car so she stopped in. Ok a little bold to just be going somewhere unexpected but ok whatever. So me and my husband are drinking and she says she is going to go home, I told her I was a little tired and wanted to know if I could catch a ride home with her but that I wasn’t quite finished at the bar.

She agreed to take me home after one hour so we had some more time to hangout. Well an hour goes by and I spoke with my husband and he told me he wanted me to stay with him and the bartender would give us a ride home (hes a close friend of ours and regularly does this) so I agreed because I was a little tipsy and I didn’t want to disappoint him plus I didn’t mind staying. So I tell my friend im sorry I changed my mind im going to have husband bring me home and she freaks out demanding that I leave with her (we live in the same appt building so she didn’t have to go anywhere extra). I told her sorry that I asked her to stay but I changed my mind and I wanted to go home with my husband. She keeps pestering me and bringing up the fact that I said I would leave with her and the hour was over and now I have to leave with her because I said I would. Well I told her sorry I changed my mind and my husband is more important to me and im very sorry. She argued with me a little bit and I told her straight up that he is my husband and im going to choose him every time and that im sorry I asked her to stay and that I wouldn’t ask her to do that again. Well she left and the next day she texted me saying that I told her she doesn’t matter and that I don’t care about her and that she was super duper hurt by that. I told her I was sorry and that was not what I said at all but she wasn’t having it so I just stopped texting her to avoid an argument.

The next day was a Saturday, I had already planned on helping a friend put on an event for her military husband in the event hall of the bar. I had been talking about it for a couple of days so my friends knew what I was doing and when. Saturday night rolls around and im helping with the event and the dj and my friend all of the sudden walks in to the bar! She saw me and was like “hey I didn’t know if I was supposed to come or not” and I was like oh ok but I didn’t have time to talk with her because I was busy running around. She eventually tracks me down and asks me if im avoiding her and I tell her no im just busy and I didn’t expect for her to be there. She was a little upset but I was too busy plus I didn’t invite her plus she doesn’t even know the person the event was for.  The next day was a Sunday and she calls me on the phone. Asks what im doing and we start talking about a crochet thing she is making. She then asks if she can come over to show me (she lives two doors down from me) and I said ok but it has to be quick because I had plans with my daughter later. Well she comes over and starts talking about going to a place she knows I love going to and talking about it making me want to go. She says oh well we could go here and do this and this (everything I like doing) but I was trying to take a break from her because I was feeling smothered. Well I caved and said ok lets go and she looks at me and says “ohhh sorry I cant go I need to do laundry…” knowing that I would let her do laundry at my house so we could go to the place I wanted to go so I let her do laundry at my house. Then yesterday she is talking about something happening over the weekend and suggests that I do a task for it on Friday night well Friday night my husband and I were planning on going to the bar together but I didn’t want to tell her that because I know she would show up and I just want to go with him like we used to. I told her I was busy on Friday night and she immediately asks me what im doing, I tell her we are having dinner with my husbands coworker… I lied to her because im afraid she is going to show up!!! If she sees my car there she will def go in and confront me about lying to her. What do I do??????? am I being a jerk? Is it unreasonable for me to be irritated by her constant presence?

[SooSad33]

Geeze, 😕 ... what to call this.. stalker maybe?

She seems to have NO respect for you. So, she has no life of her own?  A little too needy?  That has to change!

At this rate, yeah, she'll lose you as a friend!

is sad, cause yeah, one should not have to lie, fearing they'll be harassed, followed, etc.

IF she does show up, I suggest you try to be decent .. for the night.

Then, if possible, start avoiding her fully.  No more contact.  ( not sure if she'd get the hint.. but, lol).

Fps, you are married and with a kid.  You DO have a life of your own.

I feel, if it comes down to it, you need to get stern with her and explain her behaviour to her & that it's not right. ( you should not have to explain to HER where you're going nor feel the need to lie in fear of her showing up, etc).

 

[boltnrun]

I'm with her regarding you asking for a ride home, she waits around for an hour and then you say never mind, I don't need a ride after all and BTW my husband is more important. I would have been irked too. 

As for her showing up places uninvited, that is definitely a social faux pas. Especially at a private event. 

I also would not resort to lying. Instead, just let her know you have plans with your husband. If she asks what those plans are you could say "we're going to spend time together". No lying necessary. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm with her regarding you asking for a ride home, she waits around for an hour and then you say never mind, I don't need a ride after all and BTW my husband is more important. I would have been irked too. 

As for her showing up places uninvited, that is definitely a social faux pas. Especially at a private event. 

I also would not resort to lying. Instead, just let her know you have plans with your husband. If she asks what those plans are you could say "we're going to spend time together". No lying necessary. 

I agree -not cool to change your mind and  tell her your husband was more important in that situation - not an emergency where husband needed you to stay.  I think this friendship needs to be dialed back a bit. I agree with Bolt about her showing up, etc.

[TeeBell]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -not cool to change your mind and  tell her your husband was more important in that situation - not an emergency where husband needed you to stay.  I think this friendship needs to be dialed back a bit. I agree with Bolt about her showing up, etc.

yes i do agree that it was rude of me to ask her to wait and then change my mind but i did and thats that. i told her i was sorry but its not like she had to sit and wait in the car she was in the bar hanging out with everyone too. The only reason i said those things is because she kept arguing with me about how i said i would go home with her and why i wasnt and i just kept telling her i changed my mind and that i wanted to go home with my husband and she kept arguing with me so yeah i was honest and told her if i have to choose between her and him im going to choose him. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

yes i do agree that it was rude of me to ask her to wait and then change my mind but i did and thats that. i told her i was sorry but its not like she had to sit and wait in the car she was in the bar hanging out with everyone too. The only reason i said those things is because she kept arguing with me about how i said i would go home with her and why i wasnt and i just kept telling her i changed my mind and that i wanted to go home with my husband and she kept arguing with me so yeah i was honest and told her if i have to choose between her and him im going to choose him. 

So if it’s ok for you to say ok I did it and that’s that why can’t she say the same thing ?  Why weren’t you honest with her in advance that you’d leave with her unless your husband wanted you to stay ?? She can say “oh ok I acted like a brat.  But that’s that. So move on”

[TeeBell]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if it’s ok for you to say ok I did it and that’s that why can’t she say the same thing ?  Why weren’t you honest with her in advance that you’d leave with her unless your husband wanted you to stay ?? She can say “oh ok I acted like a brat.  But that’s that. So move on”

for her to say that in regards to what? and when i said i would go with her at the time i said i thought i was going to and then when i changed my mind i was honest with her and told her i changed my mind. i didnt purposly make her stay knowing i was not going to go home with her it just happened that way. and if i didnt want to leave why should i leave just because she wants me to? like i said i spoke with my husband and he wanted me to go home with him and he is more important. case closed. not to mention i didnt even invite her to go out so theres that as well. 

[Cherylyn]

I'd have a talk with her.  Tell her this friendship has since run its course and from now on, you'll act natural with "hello" but it's time to go your separate ways.  Your friend doesn't practice healthy boundaries with you so you need to pump the brakes on this unsuccessful friendship.  Request NC (no contact) and if she refuses to honor and respect your wishes, it's time for you to block and delete her.  If necessary, do the same for social media.  There is a way to be respectful when the friendship is leading towards estrangement.  You can do it with grace and calmness yet remain firm, steadfast and unwavering.  Don't shift blame either.  Tell her both of you are incompatible and you would appreciate her honoring and respecting your wishes by dissolving and exiting the friendship.  Be peaceful, not hurtful.  No one enjoys rejection so exercise decorum and tact. 

If she is relentless, be boring, brief and cool.  Learn to repeat, "No thank you."  Decline a lot.  Eventually, she should lose interest in you. 

In the future though, be careful with your wording to anyone.  Don't say stuff such as:  "My husband is more important than you . . ."  Be firm but don't be hurtful.  She did wait around for an hour for you, you backpedaled by changing your mind despite your apology.  Be careful in how you treat others otherwise it will never end well.  Be very considerate even though your answer is no. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TeeBell said:

 She then asks if she can come over to show me (she lives two doors down from me) and I said ok but it has to be quick 

Unfortunately you'll have to start setting boundaries because she doesn't seem to have any.

Is this the same friend( the one who slept with your BF)?:

 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

for her to say that in regards to what? and when i said i would go with her at the time i said i thought i was going to and then when i changed my mind i was honest with her and told her i changed my mind. i didnt purposly make her stay knowing i was not going to go home with her it just happened that way. and if i didnt want to leave why should i leave just because she wants me to? like i said i spoke with my husband and he wanted me to go home with him and he is more important. case closed. not to mention i didnt even invite her to go out so theres that as well. 

Sure. You do you. Not how I would treat someone but ok. Interesting how you backpedaled. You are not a true friend to her and you have little regard for her. She is lacking in social skills and often finding someone suffocating is a symptom of not being that into them. 
Going forward I’d make it clear when your promises are contingent on your husband’s non emergency wants. Everyone has emergencies and most people expect commitments to be honored and not “unless my husband wants me to stay longer “ so just be honest as you wrote you value honesty. Good for you !

 

I mean she can say that her choices that annoy you are also “oh well that’s that “ - but you’d like her to apologize or behave differently. But you excuse your rudeness (meaning before you then back pedaled) as that’s that. She has some annoying traits and they’re particularly annoying to you. So that’s that. Keep your distance and keep the peace. 

[TeeBell]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm with her regarding you asking for a ride home, she waits around for an hour and then you say never mind, I don't need a ride after all and BTW my husband is more important. I would have been irked too. 

As for her showing up places uninvited, that is definitely a social faux pas. Especially at a private event. 

I also would not resort to lying. Instead, just let her know you have plans with your husband. If she asks what those plans are you could say "we're going to spend time together". No lying necessary. 

I did feel bad asking her to wait for me but she agreed to stay and hangout. she spent the hour hanging out like normal its not like she had to wait in the car for me or something. but i did acknowledge the fact that she stayed and thanked her and told her i was sorry but my plans changed. i even paid for her beer while she was "waiting" 

[TeeBell]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you'll have to start setting boundaries because she doesn't seem to have any.

Is this the same friend( the one who slept with your BF)?:

 

Yes. This is that same friend. She follows me around and texts and calls me all the time and always wants to be included in everything. (i know i have been calling him my bf in this post but its just for ease plus we are getting married in a few months anyways) the problem is that we live in the same building in very close quarters, she is also integrated in my life and friend circle and she is a bridesmaid as well. i just want her to be less interested in me so i can live normally and not have to basically have a whole other relationship with her and have to worry about her feelings all the time. i know that sounds mean but im already in a relationship and have a child so its not like i have all this free time to devote to being her secondary partner in an emotional way. i just cant. 

[TeeBell]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sure. You do you. Not how I would treat someone but ok. Interesting how you backpedaled. You are not a true friend to her and you have little regard for her. She is lacking in social skills and often finding someone suffocating is a symptom of not being that into them. 
Going forward I’d make it clear when your promises are contingent on your husband’s non emergency wants. Everyone has emergencies and most people expect commitments to be honored and not “unless my husband wants me to stay longer “ so just be honest as you wrote you value honesty. Good for you !

 

I mean she can say that her choices that annoy you are also “oh well that’s that “ - but you’d like her to apologize or behave differently. But you excuse your rudeness (meaning before you then back pedaled) as that’s that. She has some annoying traits and they’re particularly annoying to you. So that’s that. Keep your distance and keep the peace. 

i am fully aware it was an *** thing to do change my mind at the last minute but what would have been the right choice? go home with her and have my husband be angry with me and sit at home alone wishing i hadnt left? let her take me home just so she doesnt have hurt feelings that i changed my mind?  

or stay because i wanted to and my husband wanted me to and apologize to her, pay for her drinks she had while she was waiting and just tell her im sorry but i dont want to go home yet. 

when i told her i changed my mind and that i was sorry she was pissed off as she had the right to be. i fully accept that she was mad at me because i went back on what i said regardless if it was an emergency or not my husband wanted me to stay and so did i. i told her i wouldnt ever ask her to do anything like that again but i didnt want to go home at the time with her. she got angry and tried to force me to go with her and i told her no im staying with my husband. she said well you promised me you would get a ride home with me and i said sorry i changed my mind, husband wants me to go with him. then she was angry i choose him over her and i told her honestly that yes i did choose him over her and i would every time because he is my husband and he means more to me then anyone else. i cant help how she interpreted that in her head as me saying she means nothing and i dont care about her.  

[smackie9]

This is when you cut ties. Sometimes they turn out not be friends material. You can make a choice here. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

she is a bridesmaid as well.

Wait, what? The woman who slept with your fiance behind your back is one of your bridesmaids?

Well no wonder she thinks you two are friends!

I can't fathom asking someone who betrayed me and who I can't stand to be one of my bridesmaids. But I guess you feel differently.

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

go home with her and have my husband be angry with me

Something this minor would make him angry? 

That's a bit odd. Why? 

EDIT: A whole lot of backstory is missing here, according to your recent thread. This same woman is the one who had an affair with your "husband." And now she is in your wedding party? OP, what the eff? 

She probably wants to be included in everything because she still wants him for herself, and doesn't want you spending too much time alone with him. 

You should have cut her out of your life ages ago. And you are absolutely making a huge mistake marrying this man. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Something this minor would make him angry? 

That's a bit odd. Why? 

My sense is her husband expects her to ditch her friends/promises to them on his whim or request.  Or he'll pout/be angry.  Maybe she'd feel the same if the roles were reversed.

This friendship -if that's what you call it -seems unhealthy on both sides OP.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is her husband expects her to ditch her friends/promises to them on his whim or request.  Or he'll pout/be angry.  Maybe she'd feel the same if the roles were reversed

Have a look at her past thred. Her so-called husband cheated with this woman. 

[reinventmyself]

Your friend waited an hour so as to uphold her agreement to drive you home.  in turn you keep your word and tell your husband that you need to be considerate of your friends offer.  Simple as that.

The whole showing up and being pushy isn't going to change if keep trying to fudge the truth and avoid setting a clear and respectful boundary.  The way you handle all of this makes you part of the problem.  As long as you continue to give her mixed messages this will continue. 

You had plans with your daughter, yet you allowed her to invite herself over for a minute and ultimately talked you into doing something else?  Were you going to cancel on your daughter?   

State clear intentions and back them up with action.  These issues will go away.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, TeeBell said:

. This is that same friend. She follows me around and texts and calls me all the time and always wants to be included in everything.

Sadly she walks all over you and still treats the situation like a throuple. Only you can change that. 

[Jennifer Pearson]

It sounds like your friend is having trouble understanding boundaries and is being overly clingy. You should be clear and polite when expressing your needs and setting limits, but you should also be firm about them. It's okay to prioritize your spouse or other relationships over your friend's desire to spend time together.  To get some space from your friend, try being open with them about how you're feeling. It's crucial to keep your independence and not feel bad about it.

[Tinydance]

How long have you been friends with your friend? Why does she live in the same building? The thing is, it may have been OK to live two doors down from your friend if she wasn't so clingy and basically bordering on being a stalker. But because she is like that, I think definitely being her neighbour makes things a lot worse. This gives her very close proximity to you and makes it easy for her just to "pop over" whenever she feels like it. Considering she's already trying to get into every single aspect of your life, being neighbours with her is the worst case scenario for you.

I think you either need to move from this place and just invent some fake reasons why you moved. Or if you don't want to move or end the friendship then I think you actually need to set some very firm boundaries with your friend. Remember it's OK to have boundaries,  especially if they're reasonable. And they would be very reasonable in your case. 

I don't think the way your friend behaves is normal at all. It's actually pretty weird. Just because you were talking about throwing a party to someone, doesn't at all mean she can come to that party. Especially if she doesn't even know that person. I think it would never enter most people's mind that they should just randomly turn up there. The fact that she didn't even ask you and she just went there is super weird. And she was like: "I don't know if you wanted me to come or not." Um, not? Lol

In terms of the private club thing. I guess what you did was rude but it might not be that rude depending on the actual situation itself. First of all, if she just randomly showed up at the club, she obviously wanted to be there. The rudeness of it depends on whether she actually wanted to go home and you prevented her from it because you asked her to wait for you. Or whether she actually didn't want to go home and she was having a good time. But she just agreed to give you a lift for when she did decide to go home. Because if she was staying at the club anyway having a nice time then why was she so angry? And she lives in the same building so she had to go there regardless of whether she drove you or not. Some of her anger might also be coming from the place that she for some reason always wants you two to be "joined at the hip". 

If she's angry that she's not super important to you, maybe you need to actually discuss that and let her know where she stands. You could say something like: "Look, you're my friend and you are important to me, but you're not the ONLY person in my life who's important to me. I also have my husband, daughter, my other friends, etc. It's not that I don't care,  but I do have my own life as well that doesn't only revolve around our friendship. I'm allowed to do my own things and it's not trying to offend you in any way. I don't think it's appropriate that you just turn up to my events or places I'm at. If you weren't invited or asked me to come then it's just rude. I need space to live my own life too."

If she doesn't understand this or responds badly, honestly I'd reconsider this friendship.

[MissCanuck]

I'm thinking mods should merge this thread with her other, to give readers the full context of this woman and her relationship to OP and her partner. 

[Kwothe28]

So she forgave you for "tattling" about her love life?

Anyway, its too much of bad blood there. From her sleeping with your husband(on the last thread you refer to him as a boyfriend so which is it?) with your blessing, to her buting in way too much, to you not respecting her wish for something to remain secret nore time with that bar stuff.Its just way too over the place and its not a sign of a healthy friendship. If you are both like that then you shouldnt hang out at all. Because you both clearly are not good for each other.

[boltnrun]

It makes no sense to me that you don't want to be friends with her anymore yet you asked her to be your bridesmaid. And she slept with your fiance yet you want her to be your bridesmaid.

What is your fiance's opinion regarding having her as a bridesmaid? Is he uncomfortable with it or is he happy about it? 

This situation is just so strange to me.