suffocating relationship with friend!

[TeeBell]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

How long have you been friends with your friend? Why does she live in the same building? The thing is, it may have been OK to live two doors down from your friend if she wasn't so clingy and basically bordering on being a stalker. But because she is like that, I think definitely being her neighbour makes things a lot worse. This gives her very close proximity to you and makes it easy for her just to "pop over" whenever she feels like it. Considering she's already trying to get into every single aspect of your life, being neighbours with her is the worst case scenario for you.

I think you either need to move from this place and just invent some fake reasons why you moved. Or if you don't want to move or end the friendship then I think you actually need to set some very firm boundaries with your friend. Remember it's OK to have boundaries,  especially if they're reasonable. And they would be very reasonable in your case. 

I don't think the way your friend behaves is normal at all. It's actually pretty weird. Just because you were talking about throwing a party to someone, doesn't at all mean she can come to that party. Especially if she doesn't even know that person. I think it would never enter most people's mind that they should just randomly turn up there. The fact that she didn't even ask you and she just went there is super weird. And she was like: "I don't know if you wanted me to come or not." Um, not? Lol

In terms of the private club thing. I guess what you did was rude but it might not be that rude depending on the actual situation itself. First of all, if she just randomly showed up at the club, she obviously wanted to be there. The rudeness of it depends on whether she actually wanted to go home and you prevented her from it because you asked her to wait for you. Or whether she actually didn't want to go home and she was having a good time. But she just agreed to give you a lift for when she did decide to go home. Because if she was staying at the club anyway having a nice time then why was she so angry? And she lives in the same building so she had to go there regardless of whether she drove you or not. Some of her anger might also be coming from the place that she for some reason always wants you two to be "joined at the hip". 

If she's angry that she's not super important to you, maybe you need to actually discuss that and let her know where she stands. You could say something like: "Look, you're my friend and you are important to me, but you're not the ONLY person in my life who's important to me. I also have my husband, daughter, my other friends, etc. It's not that I don't care,  but I do have my own life as well that doesn't only revolve around our friendship. I'm allowed to do my own things and it's not trying to offend you in any way. I don't think it's appropriate that you just turn up to my events or places I'm at. If you weren't invited or asked me to come then it's just rude. I need space to live my own life too."

If she doesn't understand this or responds badly, honestly I'd reconsider this friendship.

we have been friends for a long time. we did not know that eachother lived in the building when we moved in and theres no possibility to move. 

so when we were talking about her giving me a ride home, i didnt demand it from her, she wasnt leaving yet and she was hanging out and still drinking. Like i said its not like i made her wait in the car for me!  and i have had those conversations with her in the past she is just very needy and clingy and needs constant re-assurance. 

[TeeBell]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

So she forgave you for "tattling" about her love life?

Anyway, its too much of bad blood there. From her sleeping with your husband(on the last thread you refer to him as a boyfriend so which is it?) with your blessing, to her buting in way too much, to you not respecting her wish for something to remain secret nore time with that bar stuff.Its just way too over the place and its not a sign of a healthy friendship. If you are both like that then you shouldnt hang out at all. Because you both clearly are not good for each other.

she did not forgive me for "tattling" and she never spoke of it again, just asked me to hangout the next weekend. And yes i am calling him my husband in this thread because we are getting married in a few months and i just felt like calling him my husband. 

and i agree none of it is healthy and the way i am treating her is not good. i am actively trying to distance myself from her because i feel like all i do is hurt her feelings in one way or another so it is pretty clear i am the toxic one here. 

guess i have to work on that. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

i am actively trying to distance myself from her because i feel like all i do is hurt her feelings in one way or another so it is pretty clear i am the toxic one here. 

guess i have to work on that. 

Much of the work is pretty straightforward -make different choices in reaction to this person.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, TeeBell said:

i feel like all i do is hurt her feelings in one way or another so it is pretty clear i am the toxic one here. 

How are you the toxic one when she had an affair with your boyfriend?

None of this makes any sense. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

How are you the toxic one when she had an affair with your boyfriend?

None of this makes any sense. 

Plus asking her to be a bridesmaid and spending time with her, even cancelling plans with her daughter to accommodate this person.

If you like her, spend time with her. If you don't, don't have her be a bridesmaid and don't spend time with her 

It's irrelevant that she lives next door or whatever. That's a minor inconvenience, not a subpoena. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TeeBell said:

 i am actively trying to distance myself from her 

This is the best approach for you. Try not to get wrapped up in her chaos. It's ok to be "busy" or "out" any time you want.  

[Lambert]

I think this is a really toxic friendship but you're both responsible for the lack of boundaries. Many things under the bridge that should have been relationship enders.

It's what happens when you betray yourself to keep the peace.  

What do you do now? whatever you want because you guys just keep abusing each other... lying, gaslighting, betraying... there's no honor here. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/30/2023 at 10:58 AM, TeeBell said:

She has been known to be the jealous type and has in the past questioned me for not inviting her to something ...

Yeah, no. This kind of dynamic takes two to create--and maintain.

If a friend questions me on my plans, future or past, with even a smidge of an angle to pressure me for an invite, I'll give one pass to learn whether my answer is accepted as a warning and heeded. That would be, "Most of my plans are based on invitations that are not mine to extend."

If there's any pushback on that, I'll draw the kind of harsher line that will either reset the friendship or end it, and that is, "I like you, but I'm not going to be accountable to you."

Either that pushes her back to common respect OR she's not someone I intend to keep in my life. Period.

The rest is nitty stuff that wouldn't occur if you'd set a clear boundary and stick to it. It appears that you're not willing to do that, so enjoy your drama.