Whilst with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, a lot of other things going on

[briesoleil]

Hi everyone. Thank you for reading my post.

 

I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 2 years this spring. Things seem to be going great. I love him immensely, and things keep getting better all of the time. The thing is when I met him I messaged him on Facebook and asked if we could meet up and get to know each other better. He 'claimed' that he had just broken up with another girl 3 hours before he received my message and what a coincidence this Is and etc. etc. 

 

 

She still talks to him directly and through their mutual friends. Tomorrow is her birthday and out two year anniversary is coming up and I just want to get on a plane and run far far away from here. Someone I have a professional relationship with gave me a referral for a job in Perth, Australia. I live in the USA. 

 

The problem, is that I think she is his mistress. I can't handle him having a consort. Its just too much depression and he seems to always put me on a holding pattern. LIKE ITS BEEN 2 years and I LOVE HIM. but I want to run away. almost everyday.

 

I can't take the pain of knowing he has a relationship with another woman, I don't have proof he claims he doesn't cheat but then he shows me her texts and I think she decorated his apartment and so on and so forth, this sucks. 

 

I mean is he using me??? I swear there have been times when I get the feeling that when Im not home she is over here with him. We don't live together, he has a key to my apartment. 

 

IS he using me and plans to end his life with this other woman? I looked up her name on Facebook and saw some weird things about traveling out WEST. He mentioned to me he wanted to travel west. He has also said he wants to marry me. Does he imagine a life with a wife and mistress. Are all men like this. 

 

but he denies it. He denies EVERYTHING. Does this mean I have gone completely mad? Why do I have such low self-esteem and confidence. I mean this guy is the man of my dreams. He's handsome, physically well built. Works hard. although everyone that he knows is in survival mode right now including me and my family and friends all seem more like living their best life. Im getting sucked into his group of friends. 

 

 

the bottom line I want to run away and hope he comes with me because his friends are creepy and I don't want him to have a mistress , but I think a full proof plan would be to run away somewhere where I would be completely content by myself. as it is though its not really safe for women to travel alone and stuff, my family is here as much as I can I feel safe here but his friends don't make me feel safe, and he makes me feel like he's hiding big secrets. 

 

Im doomed. 

[arjumand]

Mistress or not, you are not happy in this relationship and you are spending valuable years, energy and emotion on a course that is going nowhere. I can't say whether you should move to Perth (although in my eyes, what an adventure!) but you need to get out of this relationship and work on yourself to figure out why you were willing to put up with someone who put so much time and energy into someone else. You can do better and have a better life. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

Wow, you need to take a breath and organize your thoughts.

"Things seem to be going great" and "getting better all the time."

Then you mention that he'd just broken up 3 hours before you reached out to him - and the rest of your post is about fleeing the country and he has a mistress.

You think he's having the possible mistress over to YOUR apartment where he doesn't even live??   

He's in survival mode and has creepy friends?  

How can things be getting better all the time with this conflicting narrative?

So calm down and see if you can give a clearer picture of what is going on that makes you so suspicious.

And, I guess I need to add that going to a new place is never going to make anyone who likes other people and craves a relationship be completely contented all by themselves.  Also, where do you get the idea that it's not safe for women to travel alone?  That's false.

 

[MissCanuck]

OP, forgive me, but you are not making much sense. This post is all over the place and it seems a lot of information is missing. 

If you could answer these questions, it would help paint a clearer picture:

Why do you think this other woman is his secret girlfriend, exactly? What has he done or said that leads you to believe this? 

Why do you say his friends are creepy? Why don't they make you feel safe?

Where does this desire to run away come from? 

How's your mental health in general? 

 

[Kwothe28]

I would also like to know on what you are basing that he leads "double life"? Him saying to you "I just broke up with my girlfriend and its good you messaged" is weird and all kinds of red flags. Especially when they still hang out. But still dont see how 2 years later that is relevant when you chosed to stay there even after that weird sentence.

I mean, maybe he is leading double life, I wouldnt put it past that. Just interested on what evidence are you basing that other then "I think she decorated his home". 

Also, if you are so paranoid and dont trust him, think he is cheating and his friends are creeps, you should just leave by default. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, briesoleil said:

My family is here as much as I can I feel safe here but his friends don't make me feel safe.

You don't need to run away, you just need to end things with him. Talk to trusted friends and family about what's going on.

Free yourself from this and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[boltnrun]

13 hours ago, briesoleil said:

when I met him I messaged him on Facebook and asked if we could meet up and get to know each other better.

Have you actually met him in person or is this online-only?

[briesoleil]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, forgive me, but you are not making much sense. This post is all over the place and it seems a lot of information is missing. 

If you could answer these questions, it would help paint a clearer picture:

Why do you think this other woman is his secret girlfriend, exactly? What has he done or said that leads you to believe this? 

 

(I have him some Mardi Gras beads and I show up at his apartment between Christmas and Mardi Gras and all the beads were hanging around tied to lamps in his place. It seemed to me something a woman would do tying necklaces for girls around. During Christmas he refused to come with me to my family dinner and stayed back at my place. I have a security camera. I checked on him and it was like on a loop or something blank not working properly. When I got home at Christmas there was a weird plastic package sitting on my kitchen counter. I thought THAT'S not mine SOMEONE WAS HERE. My heart sank. He's very charismatic and always denies everything and explains everything. There is always 2 sides to the story. Then at New Year's EVE. HE SHOWED ME A MESSAGE she had sent him and he 'DELETED' it in front of me. They have known each other through 8th grade and have mutual friends. 

 

 

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you say his friends are creepy? Why don't they make you feel safe?

 

 

So he always invites me over to his apartment and the plans always changes from the original plan. At one point I didn't expect it but his mutual friends with this girl were there and they started talking about putting their dog to sleep. I have nightmares talking to these people. I wonder why they were there to intimidate me or reinforce that he has a relationship with the other woman. AND I know behind my back they sent me to open the door and they started whispering.

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

 

Where does this desire to run away come from?

 

I made a lot of friends abroad when I was younger and somehow knowing I have friends far away makes me happy. The only thing that makes me happy. 

I really want out of this relationship in this form that it is in, I know you can't change people and I love him, but sometimes I just think he is just using me

 

MISS CANUCK SAID:How's your mental health in general? 

My mental health is in a super poor state. I have no friends no job, hardly see my family. My boyfriend really makes me feel special and loved and like I matter. Its the only thing that's kept me going.

[briesoleil]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you actually met him in person or is this online-only?

We went to the same elementary school, middle school and high school so we were Facebook friends. BUT I never knew him in school. Just in 2021 I thought I would message him and ask him out. Currently we are not friends on Facebook anymore we only text and talk and spend time with each other at each other's houses and on a rare occasion go out. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, briesoleil said:

I have no friends no job, hardly see my family

Is he supporting you financially or does your family pay your rent?

I can understand why you feel down. Can you change some of these things that are causing your depression?

[Jaunty]

10 minutes ago, briesoleil said:

 Currently we are not friends on Facebook anymore we only text and talk and spend time with each other at each other's houses and on a rare occasion go out. 

This does not sound at all like a "boyfriend" of two years.  Sounds pretty casual.  

How did you end up "unfriending" each other on FB?  

[Batya33]

This is simple.  Don't date someone you do not trust.  You do not trust him.

[arjumand]

So you really should take the Perth opportunity because you need a job. That would do a lot for your mental health -- also, you don't seem to be leaving much behind if you move. Perhaps once you are employed you could get out there and make friends. 

 

[SooSad33]

18 hours ago, briesoleil said:

The problem, is that I think she is his mistress. I can't handle him having a consort. Its just too much depression and he seems to always put me on a holding pattern. LIKE ITS BEEN 2 years and I LOVE HIM. but I want to run away. almost everyday.

 

I can't take the pain of knowing he has a relationship with another woman, I don't have proof he claims he doesn't cheat but then he shows me her texts and I think she decorated his apartment and so on and so forth, this sucks. 

First off, no, not all men are like this.

Second, it sounds like your anxiety & suspicions are ruining you 😕 .

You really have NO proof of anything you are 'assuming'..correct?  And honestly, I can't understand why so many people feel they have to share all they've got going on on their phones to try and 'prove themselves' with their partners!

IF you do not trust him then it's time to walk away - instead of ruining yourself over all of these assumptions & wonders.

So, do consider moving on & away from this. Get away & go to Aussie 🙂 . Start anew and work on YOU.  You need to feel better than this and with this guy you do not.

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, briesoleil said:

My mental health is in a super poor state. I have no friends no job, hardly see my family. My boyfriend really makes me feel special and loved and like I matter. Its the only thing that's kept me going.

But yet, you don't trust him at all. I don't quite understand how you can say you feel special when you also believe he has another girlfriend. 

Why haven't you got any friends, or a job? Why don't you see your family more?

[briesoleil]

On 2/28/2023 at 2:26 PM, MissCanuck said:

But yet, you don't trust him at all. I don't quite understand how you can say you feel special when you also believe he has another girlfriend. 

Why haven't you got any friends, or a job? Why don't you see your family more?

Well, It has been exactly 2 years since we met and today is silent. we got in a fight and broke it off. 

 

Not sure what to do. He said goodbye in an email after apologizing for being extremely disrespectful to me. 

 

 

The problem is I don't trust his friends and he told me straight out his friends don't want him to date me. And my family doesn't want me to date him, 

 

 

so I guess that's it. That relationship is over. Not sure how Im going to handle it. 

 

A bit sad but I just need to stay busy and keep my mind of of it.

[1a1a]

Perth, Perth, Perth adventure. Possibly even sign up for something at uni or Tafe, then you can be in the new place inside a solid frame work with something to do and people to meet . 
 

I’m sorry for the loss of the dream of what the relationship could have been. 

[smackie9]

Go after you new opportunity,...a change of scenery will help you go forward.