Guy says I'm aloof

[Superstickyone]

I have been on 5 dates with a guy and I feel comfortable with him.  No sex or fooling around.  I am keeping my boundaries firm until I know him a lot better.  Says he's looking for a relationship so I'm hopeful.  In the past some dates have tried to hold my hand or get a bit fresh.  I was OK with holding hands but stopped it there in case they are only looking for the physical.

Yesterday this latest guy sent me a text saying he thinks we would be amazing together but that he doesn't like that I'm so aloof.

I do return his texts but not always immediately as I'm busy with something.  I don't understand his complaint because I readily talk when we're together and we have always have a good time.

What am I doing wrong??

 

 

[spinstermanquee]

2 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

I have been on 5 dates with a guy and I feel comfortable with him.  No sex or fooling around.  I am keeping my boundaries firm until I know him a lot better.  Says he's looking for a relationship so I'm hopeful.  In the past some dates have tried to hold my hand or get a bit fresh.  I was OK with holding hands but stopped it there in case they are only looking for the physical.

Yesterday this latest guy sent me a text saying he thinks we would be amazing together but that he doesn't like that I'm so aloof.

I do return his texts but not always immediately as I'm busy with something.  I don't understand his complaint because I readily talk when we're together and we have always have a good time.

What am I doing wrong??

 

 

Nothing, you are doing you.  He is being a little demanding... does he have hobbies, exercise, friends, work, etc. to keep him busy?  Does he really want a relationship or is he pump and dump?

When I was single I would get the "aloof" or "distant" when I didn't sleep with a guy by the 3rd date... this was after AIDs, too, and if they really wanted to get down then they would have had to have the talk, testing, etc. and that didn't happen so no joy...

[Batya33]

You do you but if after 5 dates a man didn't try to hold my hand, kiss me, be affectionate, I'd assume he was not that into me.  You might be giving off a cold vibe given your level of reaction to "men" who might just want sex. 

Certain men and women are looking for a casual sex arrangement.  If a man talks a lot about sex early on and tries to insist on a sleepover or movie at his house early on, have a simple, polite, direct communication that that is not your thing and see what he says. 

If there is early sex talk -sexting -yes I'd steer clear. You seem mighty suspicious and I think you're judging "men" a bit too harshly.  I met over 100 men through online sites and dated for many years.  In general I was treated with respect and like a lady and my simple boundaries were respected by the majority of those men . I generally liked men -had close male friends- and didn't feel men were out to "use" me or get fresh.  I think my positive /non-jaded attitude helped a lot in dating.

[Andrina]

What has he done that you consider fresh? So you haven't had a kiss good night? What are you looking for in a guy before you share a kiss? Just wondering if it's just a gut feeling you get, or if you have a timeline in place, or whatever.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

 he thinks we would be amazing together but that he doesn't like that I'm so aloof.

Try not to get into these types of conversations via text. He seems to be insinuating that a hookup isn't happening fast enough for him. He's already complaining about you? 

[Cherylyn]

Calling you "aloof" is his way of telling you you're not easy which actually, I would take as a compliment.  Should he continue complaining about you, it's time to part ways.  Both of you are incompatible.

[LootieTootie]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You two just sound incompatible and possibly have different love language.

I also think he is complaining about something he doesn't understand about you... which isn't fair for you. I wouldn't disagree with anyone on here who might think he is trying to emotionally manipulate you to be more "lovey dovey" - which isn't you this early on in the dating stage.

So yea, wish him well!

[Kwothe28]

I had to google what "aloof" means

Quote

not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant.

I would offer a mans perspective. We men actually like women who at least appear friendly. That means "big smiles", maybe a touch or even a huge hug, that kind of thing. You being cold and distant, putting "a wall" there, maybe even having a "B face", isnt really giving a warm vibe we as men are inclined to gravitate toward. So its not necesseraly a sex thing. I kinda doubt he would persist for 5 dates in todays age if its just sex but some men are persisant when it comes to "getting the cookie". But its maybe your overall "vibe" and body language that isnt giving him friendly undertones. 

Have you ask him what he means by "aloof"? Maybe he will say it to you what he means by that.

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have you ask him what he means by "aloof"? Maybe he will say it to you what he means by that.

That was going to be my question.  

But I'd also be weary of a guy giving me unsolicited criticism and judgment.  5 dates is not a relationship.  You don't owe each other anything, but you also don't have the right to be bringing up things expecting the other person to change.

This is the time to have fun, enjoy each other's company, and look for incompatibilities.  I don't care what men or women want or do in general, when you are building a relationship, it's between two people and what those people decide together is right.

If you feel like you want to, ask him what he meant by it.  If he's mister passive aggressive with criticism, instead of communicating effectively about his own needs, move on.  

[lostandhurt]

So I read through all your threads.  I am not throwing stones about your choices but I do have a question. In the past it seems you were okay with physical stuff pretty early on including sex but now 5 dates and you are barley okay with hand holding.  What has changed?  Are you trying something new?

I ask because sometimes when we make a change at first it isn't natural so we can be stiff or seem aloof because we are still finding the new groove.  Just a thought.

 If you want to continue seeing him then ask him "in what way was I aloof?" If he isn't the guy for you then just let it go and move on.

 Not sure why he would make the statement as I don't see an upside for him by doing so unless he wanted you to end things so he didn't have to.

 Either way from what you wrote it sounds like you were having a good time together so how aloof could you have been?

 Lost

[Coily]

Until the OP defines fresh it’s really difficult to know what other factors are going on here.

I think there’s a few things going on here, none of which involves this guy being after a hookup or just complaining about the OP. Maybe as I’m navigating an aloof woman myself I can give some illumination.

Our first kiss, date 3 or so, was filled with her nearly counting down the time so she could “set boundaries.” We would sit down to watch TV, I’d ask to cuddle and she was hesitant; later she said it was nice but maybe too much (I put an arm around her and that’s all). Like the OP, she was taken aback when I mentioned she was aloof. After I had a chance to clarify that I was having difficulties understanding her level of interest in me.

It’s frustrating at times because we men aren’t mind readers, and if we try some tenderness and rebuffed, we kind of want to know if we should keep trying. It’s not necessarily  a Sh-test to see if you’re “easy.”

[Cherylyn]

55 minutes ago, Coily said:

It’s frustrating at times because we men aren’t mind readers, and if we try some tenderness and rebuffed, we kind of want to know if we should keep trying. It’s not necessarily  a Sh-test to see if you’re “easy.”

Perhaps you're getting rebuffed because you're not getting to know her personality, character and her as a person before physical affection.  A lot of men focus on physical aspects of the relationship instead of focusing on the mental part first and foremost.  Men can be perceived as too eager to move faster than she'd like and cause her to think that she doesn't want to be perceived as easy. 

@SuperstickyoneAsk him what he meant by "aloof?"  Ask him to explain himself and give you examples so you can explain anything to him so nothing is misunderstood nor misconstrued.    Be thorough with your communication so it is crystal clear.  Perhaps you can tell him outright to slow down with the physical touching / affection and ask him to build a rapport with you for however long it takes.  He needs patience and there should be no hurry nor rush.  If these conditions won't suffice for him, perhaps he's not the one for you and you need to be with a man who is compatible to you. 

 

[Coily]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Perhaps you're getting rebuffed because you're not getting to know her personality, character and her as a person before physical affection.  A lot of men focus on physical aspects of the relationship instead of focusing on the mental part first and foremost.  Men can be perceived as too eager to move faster than she'd like and cause her to think that she doesn't want to be perceived as easy. 

@SuperstickyoneAsk him what he meant by "aloof?"  Ask him to explain himself and give you examples so you can explain anything to him so nothing is misunderstood nor misconstrued.    Be thorough with your communication so it is crystal clear.  Perhaps you can tell him outright to slow down with the physical touching / affection and ask him to build a rapport with you for however long it takes.  He needs patience and there should be no hurry nor rush.  If these conditions won't suffice for him, perhaps he's not the one for you and you need to be with a man who is compatible to you. 

 

Lol you don't know anything about this situation, that I abbreviated dramatically. This was simplified so the OP could be given examples of moments and behaviors that gave the perception of aloofness, from a man's perspective.  So that the OP could do some introspection and maybe get some insight from the mans side. And you would be d**Ned surprised how many men do take into account the non physical, but that's inconvenient to the broad brushstrokes. 

OP, open communication is the thing you need to work on, and mutual respect. It seems as if we all get blinded in the moments and refuse to look at the perspectives of the other party. If you want his respect, give it as well.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

47 minutes ago, Coily said:

Lol you don't know anything about this situation, that I abbreviated dramatically. This was simplified so the OP could be given examples of moments and behaviors that gave the perception of aloofness, from a man's perspective.  So that the OP could do some introspection and maybe get some insight from the mans side. And you would be d**Ned surprised how many men do take into account the non physical, but that's inconvenient to the broad brushstrokes. 

OP, open communication is the thing you need to work on, and mutual respect. It seems as if we all get blinded in the moments and refuse to look at the perspectives of the other party. If you want his respect, give it as well.

 

 

Unfortunately or fortunately, I know about a lot of men who prefer to rush into the physical aspect of being with a woman (or any gender for that matter) before getting to know the person thoroughly mentally.  This is why when they perceive a woman to be "aloof," they know the woman isn't going to be easy and the woman needs to ask why the "aloof" label and explain why she rebuffs him the way she does.  Hence, the need to communicate preferably in person which is the best vs. electronically. 

Regarding a good man, they're like finding a needle in a haystack or winning the lottery.  (Fortunately, I am extremely lucky in that regard.) 

I agree respect should be mutual.  However,  if both parties are at different paces, obviously, they're not on the same page and need to either clarify verbally and thoroughly or part ways if they can't seem to agree where they are in the relationship if there is one, that is. 

[Superstickyone]

Thank you everyone.  Asking him for further explanation sounds great.  Hopefully he will be willing to elaborate. I'll be clear to everyone, we've held hands and he gave me a kiss once.  I didn't return the kiss as I didn't want to give the impression sex is just around the corner.  Nobody likes to be lead on but holding hands is fairly benign in my books.  It's a form of affection mord than anything else.

I said I want to get to know you better.  The next day he sent me that text about being aloof.  It feels like he's whining a bit about the boundary I set.

I will revisit the issue in person to see his facial expressions and body language then see what he says.  

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

11 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

Thank you everyone.  Asking him for further explanation sounds great.  Hopefully he will be willing to elaborate. I'll be clear to everyone, we've held hands and he gave me a kiss once.  I didn't return the kiss as I didn't want to give the impression sex is just around the corner.  Nobody likes to be lead on but holding hands is fairly benign in my books.  It's a form of affection more than anything else.

I said I want to get to know you better.  The next day he sent me that text about being aloof.  It feels like he's whining a bit about the boundary I set.

I will revisit the issue in person to see his facial expressions and body language then see what he says.  

 

 

 

Exactly my point @SuperstickyoneYou never want to give him the impression that sex is just around the corner. 

When you told him you wanted to get to know him better, he called you aloof which was uncalled for.  If he's whining about a boundary you set, it's alarming he would call you aloof in the first place.  He sounds like a complex, dramatic, high maintenance guy already so beware.

I wouldn't read into his facial expressions and body language.  It's better to hear him speak after you explain yourself and then you decide if he's the one for you or not.  Let that be our determining factor. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

didn't return the kiss as I didn't want to give the impression sex is just around the corner.  It feels like he's whining a bit about the boundary I set.

Your instincts seem correct. In this case "aloof" = not physical enough.

If you're not into him and kissing isn't coming naturally to you, perhaps you're not attracted to him and he senses this.

Sex is never "around the corner". Either you are ready willing and able to have sex or not. Otherwise it's not happening. So kissing is not necessarily a green light for sex early on.

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

I'll be clear to everyone, we've held hands and he gave me a kiss once.  I didn't return the kiss

He kissed your cheek, do you mean? 

Or tried to kiss your lips and you did not respond? 

[Coily]

Sure whatever. I keep forgetting that my experience as a man is irrelevant to any conversation. Especially when a man isn’t a sex fiend.

OP, I get where this guy is coming from. It’s not that he’s after sex per se, it’s about seeing if you have mutual interest. A kiss, not the make out like a teenager in the back seat, isn’t always a push for sex. If the kiss is flat or treated like an insult; most men will get confused. Unless you clearly express your boundaries about kissing to him, he will think that you are rejecting him. 

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Thank you everyone.  Asking him for further explanation sounds great.  Hopefully he will be willing to elaborate. I'll be clear to everyone, we've held hands and he gave me a kiss once.  I didn't return the kiss as I didn't want to give the impression sex is just around the corner.  Nobody likes to be lead on but holding hands is fairly benign in my books.  It's a form of affection mord than anything else.

I said I want to get to know you better.  The next day he sent me that text about being aloof.  It feels like he's whining a bit about the boundary I set.

I will revisit the issue in person to see his facial expressions and body language then see what he says.  

 

 

 

I am baffled. I waited months for sex and I never ever saw a kiss as a signal I wanted sex.  Ever.  Because it wasn't and never was taken that way.  Exception -I hooked up with a guy at Club Med many years ago -it was obviously one. I wasn't dating him, he was drunk, I was sober and I was into just fooling around.  We started kissing near the beach and he was handsy as soon as I started kissing him- understandably -this was obviously a club med type fling.  I did not have sex with him and he did try to assault me sexually. His behavior was in the minority of the many men I met, dated, got serious with over my 24 years of dating.  

Also it's fine to communicate -for example if you are alone with this person in his home or yours then before anything happens you can simply say "I'm happy to come visit and I'm not ready to have sex yet."  Then a kiss and cuddle and making out on a sofa does not signal sex because you told this person.  And if this person then gets overly pushy that's on him.  

I don't think "aloof" has to be a judgment or criticism depending on how it is put.  "I feel you are acting aloof with me" is fine. And if it's coming from some notion that most men want to get in your pants and are sex-crazed that's your judgment and could be coming across as aloof.

I'd ask him.

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Coily said:

Sure whatever. I keep forgetting that my experience as a man is irrelevant to any conversation. Especially when a man isn’t a sex fiend.

OP, I get where this guy is coming from. It’s not that he’s after sex per se, it’s about seeing if you have mutual interest. A kiss, not the make out like a teenager in the back seat, isn’t always a push for sex. If the kiss is flat or treated like an insult; most men will get confused. Unless you clearly express your boundaries about kissing to him, he will think that you are rejecting him. 

 

 

It's relevant to me.  I agree with you and I feel the same the other way if a man was unaffectionate or reluctantly so.  The men I met over the years who were mostly focused on sex made it known almost right away and it wasn't typically in trying to hold my hand or kiss me -it was the way they spoke to me, body language even, the date plans they suggested, etc. 

My 88 year old mom who was a virgin and virginal when she married and only had one serious partner in her life -my dad (maybe she kissed a few other boys in her teenage years) - told me -if a man doesn't try to kiss you by the 4th date stop seeing him.  

[smackie9]

He's not a mind reader, you have to tell him your expectations, like for now you want to get to know him before going forward being physical....he needs to follow your lead taking things to the next level because that's how you date. Tell him if this is not his thing then he can move on. I have a feeling he not your type. 

[Superstickyone]

His kiss was on the lips as opposed to the cheek.  His energy felt passionate and not a simple peck.

If the guy is insulted that I didn't reciprocate with a full on passionate kiss, my first instinct is he's wishing to physically move things along.  He's not a bad guy, it's a natural progression if he's attracted 😉.   

What's important is I'm listening to what is or what is not comfortable for me, instead of feeling pressured and doing what pleases him so he'll like me.

Some people commented perhaps I'm not attracted to him at this point.  I don't want to assume this is the case.  I was not at all attracted to my first ever BF when I was younger.  After many months of getting closer, I became very attracted to him physically, mentally and intellectually. 

I have in the past submitted physically to a guy so that he will like me (i.e. people pleasing).  Bad idea and it only made me feel used.  

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

His kiss was on the lips as opposed to the cheek.  His energy felt passionate and not a simple peck.

If the guy is insulted that I didn't reciprocate with a full on passionate kiss, my first instinct is he's wishing to physically move things along.  He's not a bad guy, it's a natural progression if he's attracted 😉.   

What's important is I'm listening to what is or what is not comfortable for me, instead of feeling pressured and doing what pleases him so he'll like me.

Some people commented perhaps I'm not attracted to him at this point.  I don't want to assume this is the case.  I was not at all attracted to my first ever BF when I was younger.  After many months of getting closer, I became very attracted to him physically, mentally and intellectually. 

I have in the past submitted physically to a guy so that he will like me (i.e. people pleasing).  Bad idea and it only made me feel used.  

 

 

 

 

I would not date this person then since you don't trust his motives when he passionately kissed you and he will be able to tell and be understandably offended.  If it takes you months to feel sexually attracted to someone that is fairly atypical.  So in your case I would form platonic friendships so the man can date others and if and when you feel attracted you can bring up the potential for dating. I simply don't feel it's fair with rare exception to expect someone to date you in a romantic context and wait months for you to decide whether you feel attracted to them.  A couple of weeks - closer to a month -like 4-5 dates -ok.  If I didn't feel a desire to kiss someone by date four I moved on. 

And I also had a situation where I felt no attraction to a platonic male friend -and we didn't date -and he didn't flirt with me -and then a year or so in we met for dinner -I'd invited him to a religious event -like with a group and he asked instead to meet for dinner - one on one.  I realized then I was attracted to him!  So wild.  But there was no leading on -our next meeting was an actual date -he said so, I felt so.

If what's comfortable for you is to assume a man who passionately kisses you likely is looking to have sex with you and isn't interested in you as a person I'd go the platonic route so everyone is on the same page.  Then when you decide you feel attracted if the person is interested also and available to date perhaps you two can date and you will want to kiss him passionately and perhaps he will have sufficiently proven to you he is a good person.  I don't think you're treating individual men fairly with this guilty till proven innocent approach but you do you.

[mylolita]

I mean, maybe I’m missing the mark here but, if a guy passionately/full on/French kisses you… well, he doesn’t want to be your friend!? 
 

I think that is a definite green light for heavy sexual attraction and yes, sooner or later sex, if it goes on. 
 

OP - I think you just have to stick by your own principles. You live your own life and you are with the consequences of your actions after, no one else on here, just you. You know you better than anyone. If it’s a very slow build up you need, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and from my perspective, it seems refreshing. But you have to let the guy know or he’s going to be hurt or confused or get the wrong impression. 
 

I do think whenever you date anyone you have to be honest with them and yourself, at least by date 3. I think everyone needs to be clear. If you genuinely are unsure, you need to tell him this too, because you don’t want your time wasted if he is the wrong type of guy for you, and you don’t want to waste his time either! 
 

All the best, dating is a funny thing - I suppose communication and being open and honest is key! None of us are the same, we all need different things in dating and a partner, it’s okay!

 

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