Asking men out

[Stephaniee]

Hello everyone!

Do men consider women who asks them out to watch a movie or for dinner in a restaurant desperate ?

Do they appreciate being direct or should i say indirectly that i wanna go see this film or i like this restaurant ? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

Do they appreciate being direct or should i say indirectly that i wanna go see this film or i like this restaurant ? 

It depends on the circumstances and how you know each other. 

It's fine to invite someone to something.  However if you are talking to and meeting men from dating apps for example, you can suggest meeting for a coffee/drink (avoid dinner/movies).

If you say something indirectly it just means you like this or that food/film. It doesn't mean they'll turn it into an invitation.

[Tinydance]

I'm not sure because I'm not a man but I personally think it's fine. I've asked men out quite a few times or at least made some kind of first move. Some said yes, some said no. I mean, if you just ask once and if he's not interested, just leave it. I think where it becomes desperate is if you've been rejected but you keep trying. I don't think trying just once is desperate.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

Hello everyone!

Do men consider women who asks them out to watch a movie or for dinner in a restaurant desperate ?

Do they appreciate being direct or should i say indirectly that i wanna go see this film or i like this restaurant ? 

When I was dating - 1980-2005 I did ask men out. Probably half a dozen times including once asking him to be my boyfriend (answer was no -he pursued a woman who was also on our college weekend retreat who was much prettier and popular than me, oh well).

I don't think it's desperate at all -it's just most men I knew were flattered and complimentary "wow she's brave!" and were turned off -often with a sort of "I don't know -she's so cool, independent and cute but.... [just not that into her]"  Often of course it's because if you show interest -perhaps even flirt a little -are a good conversationalist and show genuine interest in what he's into - he'll ask you! If not it's because he is not interested in dating you although he might think you are attractive.

I wasn't scared. I was direct.  Back then it was not an effective way to find a long term relationship but it worked fine for casual dating and flings, with rare exception -meaning if the woman did most of the asking in the very beginning it usually was a turn off with rare exception. 

Exceptions were men who enjoyed having a woman in control (where the other way around since men traditionally did the asking the woman who said yes didn't necessarily want the man to be "in control").  And women who insisted and felt most comfortable being the leader/main decision maker. 

I knew of no long lasting happy relationships where the woman did most of the asking in the beginning -one time -sure maybe- and "first meets" which are not dates -they're meeting a stranger to see the potential for a future date- sure I guess but on the whole the men are often flattered- might say yes - enjoy maybe not having to plan, maybe enjoy being treated -but most often -with exceptions -will not choose that woman for the long term. 

I dated well over a hundred men, had many male friends, was in contact with hundreds of men and women and this is just my (long ago) humble opinion. 

I'll venturethat from what I hear second hand it hasn't changed much.  Of course the woman should be proactive in showing interest but all else equal if you want something long term I'd let the man do most of the asking in the beginning. And if he's that shy that he can't put in the effort to get over his fear and ask if you want to have coffee I'd wonder if he was available enough to date with serious potential.

If you do ask him out then be direct and simple and plan it -time and place -and offer to treat.  Good luck!

[Stephaniee]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When I was dating - 1980-2005 I did ask men out. Probably half a dozen times including once asking him to be my boyfriend (answer was no -he pursued a woman who was also on our college weekend retreat who was much prettier and popular than me, oh well).

I don't think it's desperate at all -it's just most men I knew were flattered and complimentary "wow she's brave!" and were turned off -often with a sort of "I don't know -she's so cool, independent and cute but.... [just not that into her]"  Often of course it's because if you show interest -perhaps even flirt a little -are a good conversationalist and show genuine interest in what he's into - he'll ask you! If not it's because he is not interested in dating you although he might think you are attractive.

I wasn't scared. I was direct.  Back then it was not an effective way to find a long term relationship but it worked fine for casual dating and flings, with rare exception -meaning if the woman did most of the asking in the very beginning it usually was a turn off with rare exception. 

Exceptions were men who enjoyed having a woman in control (where the other way around since men traditionally did the asking the woman who said yes didn't necessarily want the man to be "in control").  And women who insisted and felt most comfortable being the leader/main decision maker. 

I knew of no long lasting happy relationships where the woman did most of the asking in the beginning -one time -sure maybe- and "first meets" which are not dates -they're meeting a stranger to see the potential for a future date- sure I guess but on the whole the men are often flattered- might say yes - enjoy maybe not having to plan, maybe enjoy being treated -but most often -with exceptions -will not choose that woman for the long term. 

I dated well over a hundred men, had many male friends, was in contact with hundreds of men and women and this is just my (long ago) humble opinion. 

I'll venturethat from what I hear second hand it hasn't changed much.  Of course the woman should be proactive in showing interest but all else equal if you want something long term I'd let the man do most of the asking in the beginning. And if he's that shy that he can't put in the effort to get over his fear and ask if you want to have coffee I'd wonder if he was available enough to date with serious potential.

If you do ask him out then be direct and simple and plan it -time and place -and offer to treat.  Good luck!

In your opinion, is it good to say 

" there is a good pizza place nearby, wanna go there this Friday? 

Should I specify the date or just keep it vague ?

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, Stephaniee said:

In your opinion, is it good to say 

" there is a good pizza place nearby, wanna go there this Friday? 

Should I specify the date or just keep it vague ?

If you want to ask him out I'd plan a proper date.  "I love the pizza at ___ - if you're free this Friday would you like to go to dinner there?"

[Jaunty]

If you want to ask a guy out, you are going to need to stop being concerned about whether he will think you're desperate or whatever and just go for it.

He might say "no" and you may never have any idea whether he thought you were desperate or not.   All you will know is that he didn't want to go, which would sting but it's fair.  

Some men are not prepared at all to be asked out by a woman.   It's not the societal norm in most places.  Maybe he'll be thrilled!  Maybe he won't.   I think it's brave to try for what you want.  

[Tinydance]

I think in some cases if I hadn't asked the men out myself or at least gave obvious signs, my two year relationships with them would have never happened lol But in my case, I have a very outgoing, outspoken personality. So I generally find that I  clash a bit with the "alpha male", macho manly guys. The guys I sometimes asked out were more shy or socially awkward and maybe too nervous to make the first move. I usually like nerdy kinds of guys and not the typical manly guys who are into sport, cars, things like that. 

In all honesty I basically asked all my partners out myself and some of them were two year relationships. With my ex fiance for example, he asked me to catch up and go to a cat cafe.  I felt like maybe there was a vibe and we hung out for a few hours. But we met through a friend and he'd moved from another state and said something along the lines of that he was trying to make new friends. So I wasn't sure if it was an actual date or maybe just hanging out as friends.

After we caught up I actually didn't hear from him for maybe 2 - 3 weeks so I assumed maybe he wasn't interested. When we caught up he mentioned a nice Greek souvlaki restaurant and that we should check it out sometime. So I thought, well we could just go eat souvlaki. And if he's not interested at least I have a new friend and I ate good souvlaki! lol So I contacted him and asked him to go. Anyway it turned out he was into me but he suffered from depression and anxiety and he was just going through a rough patch. So that was why I hadn't heard from him.

[Cherylyn]

I've never asked men out but times have changed.  I agree with others,  suggest meeting at a public place for coffee,  a walk,  lunch with the agreement of going "dutch" (each paying their own way) and get acquainted.  I wouldn't suggest dinner yet.  Keep rapport light 'n polite.  I wouldn't suggest a movie either because you'll just sit in the dark staring at a movie screen instead of engaging in a conversation. 

Be direct yet very well mannered and respectful.  Take baby steps.

[Coily]

As a man I appreciate a woman who would ask me out. As sometimes (all the time) we can’t always get a read on a woman. 
 

So on the ask, have an idea or two. Then just ask, either just a “want to go out Friday?” Or ask “Would you like to go out to a Movie on Friday?”

Having a day and time in mind is a good idea, as it’s expected of us men. So when a woman asks it’s a relief that a woman has enough respect to do that sort of thinking ahead.

I will hard disagree on mentioning going Dutch off the bat. If things went well let him pay, we men like to be providers; but make sure to offer to pay your half, if he insists then let him. Also offer to get the next one if things go well; the exes who I got on well with best made sure to contribute.

[smackie9]

In my dating days in the 80's I asked guys out and always had positive responses/experiences. No one ever thought I was "easy" or "desperate". More like pleasantly surprised. Of course if they wanted to pay I wouldn't reject the offer. Sometimes I did pay and was happy to. Everyone is different. All in all it was a good experience. 

[mylolita]

Evening Stephaniee!

 

It’s each to their own I think! Who is anyone else to say how things should start or how it should be done? If you want to do something one way, then, you don’t need anyone else’s approval! 
 

I’m a strangely traditional kinda gal, considering how libertarian and open I am to other things and ideas. I’ve never ever asked a man out and I wouldn’t! I just personally, wouldn’t. 
 

Maybe this is terribly sexist of me, but I see it as, a big, bold, vulnerable yet confident step that a man would take a deep breath and do that. Like the modern day version of slaying the dragon then asking for your hand. It takes something, some courage, to do it. It’s impressive, and softens me massively. I think, huge respect, even if it’s a no.

 

I’ve only ever dated three times, and my husband was my first boyfriend at 18, so I haven’t had a whole bunch of dating experience! But I have been proposed to twice! Maybe I have some experience with men on their knees… LOL! 
 

Even if I was absolutely besotted with a guy, I just don’t think I would ever do it. And also, I know @Coilymentioned this too (very interesting!) but I would never expect to pay for any dates either. I know, again, I’m just being brutally honest regarding my personal preferences (this of course is definitely NOT all women and we do live in the modern age now!)

 

I did offer to go halves with my husband, but it was a false offer really. He said no no, and insisted. And then the tone was set and, I never paid for anything after that. But, we are very traditional. I do all the housework, and have done for 15 years, I get his drinks, bring him breakfast, etc. it’s that 1950s in 2023! I may be the last housewife left?! 
 

Anyway dear OP! You live your own life aligned with your own values! Do what feels right for you. If you wanna ask a guy out - ask him! There is no doubt he will be flattered and charmed I’m sure!

 

All the best!

 

x

[boltnrun]

I know women who asked men out and it did lead to long term relationships. One of them has been married to the man for over 20 years! Oh, and she had sex with him on the first date. Horrors! LOL

I encourage you to ask if you want to.

[mylolita]

Yes! Everyone knows someone! Relationships are massively varied, and how they start are too. What is comfortable for one is not for another.

 

You don’t lose anything by asking. Either a yes or a no, in the grand scheme of things, just something to shrug off or celebrate! 
 

All my Grandparents met during War Time dances held in bunkers here in England. The men always asked the women. Times have changed. 
 

x

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think in some cases if I hadn't asked the men out myself or at least gave obvious signs, my two year relationships with them would have never happened lol But in my case, I have a very outgoing, outspoken personality. So I generally find that I  clash a bit with the "alpha male", macho manly guys. The guys I sometimes asked out were more shy or socially awkward and maybe too nervous to make the first move. I usually like nerdy kinds of guys and not the typical manly guys who are into sport, cars, things like that. 

I didn't go for alpha males either and I wasn't into sports, etc but I remember reading up on college football to prepare for a date with a guy who I ended up getting serious with for years lol -he was impressed!.  My husband in his late 20s when we met was so so shy and a bit awkward so it took him awhile to choose me over his shyness/fear to ask me out - we met at work events 3 times over 8 months.  After the third time he called me a few days later at work to ask me to lunch. 

I was also very extroverted and outgoing and allowed men to ask me out on dates -even though I wasn't scared/didn't need courage- was perfectly capable - while showing sufficient interest and enthusiasm about the planned date.  

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know women who asked men out and it did lead to long term relationships. One of them has been married to the man for over 20 years! Oh, and she had sex with him on the first date. Horrors! LOL

I encourage you to ask if you want to.

That's great! I know of a married couple who met at a bar and slept together that night - so I actually don't think anyone really asked anyone out LOL -also if they're still together -believe so! - it's been over 20 years.  I almost attended their wedding in Ireland as a plus one.  

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

In my dating days in the 80's I asked guys out and always had positive responses/experiences. No one ever thought I was "easy" or "desperate". More like pleasantly surprised. Of course if they wanted to pay I wouldn't reject the offer. Sometimes I did pay and was happy to. Everyone is different. All in all it was a good experience. 

Yes, I did too - and I asked many men for first meets if they didn't ask me first -but I wasn't asking those men on dates.  I didn't want it to be a date and it wasn't.  I didn't want to waste time chatting with a stranger and "waiting" for him to suggest meeting in person.  I let those men ask me out on the first real date. 

Typically on first meets the man would offer to pay but I tried to avoid full meal dates. Mostly if a coffee place I'd get there, buy a water or coffee and be sitting when he arrived.  That way there was no awkwardness in who pays.

In one case he traveled over an hour to meet me so I took him to an Asian place for lunch where he ordered a lot lol and I insisted on treating because he traveled to meet me.  He let me treat.  I'm glad I treated -felt like the right thing to do.  Did not want to see him again.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

As a man I appreciate a woman who would ask me out. As sometimes (all the time) we can’t always get a read on a woman. 
 

So on the ask, have an idea or two. Then just ask, either just a “want to go out Friday?” Or ask “Would you like to go out to a Movie on Friday?”

Having a day and time in mind is a good idea, as it’s expected of us men. So when a woman asks it’s a relief that a woman has enough respect to do that sort of thinking ahead.

I will hard disagree on mentioning going Dutch off the bat. If things went well let him pay, we men like to be providers; but make sure to offer to pay your half, if he insists then let him. Also offer to get the next one if things go well; the exes who I got on well with best made sure to contribute.

Even with friends I don't like separate checks if possible -it seems "cold?"  I like to roughly split or if a good friend -take turns.  Very often the man insisted on paying.  I let him and if he was really traditional I'd do things like buy the movie tickets in advance, buy him a CD (lol old school) and leave tips/pay for the dessert place after -stuff like that.

[Coily]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Even with friends I don't like separate checks if possible -it seems "cold?"  I like to roughly split or if a good friend -take turns.  Very often the man insisted on paying.  I let him and if he was really traditional I'd do things like buy the movie tickets in advance, buy him a CD (lol old school) and leave tips/pay for the dessert place after -stuff like that.

Let’s just say I’ve been burned and taken advantage of as a free meal one time too many. While I prefer the traditional method, and have no problem if it’s a traditional style relationship of footing every bill, unfortunately modern problems require modern solutions.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Coily said:

Let’s just say I’ve been burned and taken advantage of as a free meal one time too many. While I prefer the traditional method, and have no problem if it’s a traditional style relationship of footing every bill, unfortunately modern problems require modern solutions.

I used to do separate checks with friends (and even family) all the time, but now there's Zelle. So I just ask to see the check and I transfer the appropriate amount plus tax and tip.

Stephanie, are you intending to treat this guy if he says "yes" to the date? 

[mylolita]

The splitting the cheque thing is very interesting to me because regardless of being traditional when it comes to boy meets girl, if I go out with friends, I’ll often settle the whole tab without them knowing. I just like too. I’ll get them a drink as well if they are running later and have it ready at the table. I never split cheques with friends. I just say I’m getting this one. If they protest I just say, just throw me a coffee next time 😉 So I’m completely opposite when it’s not a date situation. 
 

People are multi-faceted - LOL! 
 

If you wanna ask a guy out guuurrrrl you do it! 
 

I always say, no one else is living your life but you. Live it by your standards. You can’t please everyone, but you can please yourself!

 

x

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Coily said:

Let’s just say I’ve been burned and taken advantage of as a free meal one time too many. While I prefer the traditional method, and have no problem if it’s a traditional style relationship of footing every bill, unfortunately modern problems require modern solutions.

I'm sorry!  About the taken advantage.  So my mom has a friend who has a son around my age- no we never dated.  Anyway she told my mom when he started using dating sites many years ago the ladies would suggest really fancy places for dinner and -naively -he'd say yes.  Sigh.

I did like fancy restaurants and didn't take advantage -very often the man would say he liked to try new restaurants and didn't have anyone to go with -like a more romantic place.  I drank very little if at all so I was a cheap date!  But -I never wanted a free meal plus I personally couldn't enjoy if I didn't like being with the guy.  One time -met a guy at a frat party at a school we didn't go to.  He bragged about how he had all this $ plus knew the guy who owned a popular seafood place.  So we went the next week and he told me to order the lobster as it was on the house.  Except -oops - it wasn't - check came -full price. 

Back then you carried cash mostly so I remember way back my share was $30 and he made me pay -I was just a student! Awful! I barely had $ for taxi home.

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry!  About the taken advantage.  So my mom has a friend who has a son around my age- no we never dated.  Anyway she told my mom when he started using dating sites many years ago the ladies would suggest really fancy places for dinner and -naively -he'd say yes.  Sigh.

I did like fancy restaurants and didn't take advantage -very often the man would say he liked to try new restaurants and didn't have anyone to go with -like a more romantic place.  I drank very little if at all so I was a cheap date!  But -I never wanted a free meal plus I personally couldn't enjoy if I didn't like being with the guy.  One time -met a guy at a frat party at a school we didn't go to.  He bragged about how he had all this $ plus knew the guy who owned a popular seafood place.  So we went the next week and he told me to order the lobster as it was on the house.  Except -oops - it wasn't - check came -full price. 

Back then you carried cash mostly so I remember way back my share was $30 and he made me pay -I was just a student! Awful! I barely had $ for taxi home.

Think my reply would have been, well, good job you’ve got bi-ceps! Looks like some dishes need washing! Ciao! 
 

🤪

 

x

[nublu2]

19 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

Hello everyone!

Do men consider women who asks them out to watch a movie or for dinner in a restaurant desperate ?

Do they appreciate being direct or should i say indirectly that i wanna go see this film or i like this restaurant ? 

There is nothing desperate about this at all. In fact, for many of us it would be a relief!

Sure, some men may not appreciate an assertive woman with an opinion - but is that somebody that you want to be with?  Do you want to have to hold your thoughts/wants back?  Doesn't seem like it would even be worth considering a relationship if you can't freely express yourself. 

But I can tell you, that for myself and any other guys I know, it would truly be refreshing and appreciated if a woman just expressed her feelings and asked me out, and said what she wanted. The games and hoping somebody will accurately read your mind isn't worth it. 

There is always compromise, of course. Maybe you know the best pizza place but he doesn't like pizza - so together you both decide on a place for a burger instead. That's fine and you know you both have interest in doing it. 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, nublu2 said:

Sure, some men may not appreciate an assertive woman with an opinion - but is that somebody that you want to be with?  Do you want to have to hold your thoughts/wants back?  Doesn't seem like it would even be worth considering a relationship if you can't freely express yourself. 

I was very assertive in showing interest and had many opinions. I let the man do the asking because in my experience feeling "relieved" at not having to do the asking was not a turn on and did not spark interest in future potential.

I don't believe free expression means no filter, no boundaries -I liked for men to get to know me at a reasonable pace over time -unwrapping layers layers of a package - so I didn't overshare/let it all hang out -and even if I "felt like" calling a man because I really liked him I also thought about him - would he like being called a lot or might it feel clingy? Too much too soon? I might like it -but -I also thought of him and his needs and his comfort level in getting to know me at a reasonable pace over time.

  Just like I didn't like when men let all their thoughts and wants hang out in the thrill of new infatuation, bombarding me with calls or calling me pet names right away - that's "free expression" but I think people should hold back especially when they are over excited about a new person and let the other person have space to get to know them.  

So even if I "felt like" asking a man out because it was Wednesday and he hadn't called yet for a weekend date my patience was always a virtue - because a man who wanted to date me called for that weekend date- especially because I was enthusiastic, appreciative and a good listener and assertive and independent when we spoke or met - early on.  Later when we were regularly dating sure I would ask him out -but in the beginning -assertive/opinion expressing me let him do most or all of the asking.  

One of the first questions my future husband asked me on our very first date was why I chose to go into the field we were both in.  I told him -it had a back story and the back story was about me as a spunky assertive teenager.  He told me later he wanted to make sure I chose my career for the right reasons and was looking to continue working hard/was ambitious.  He also was very traditional and romantic as far as our romance and how he courted me.  Both were true.