Living situation problems with my girlfriend

[Jaunty]

Now I have decided that the relationship, including the enmeshment with her family, are unsustainable and a hindrance to your future success in life.  

[Tinydance]

Look sorry but just from everything you wrote, if I was you I actually wouldn't continue the relationship with your girlfriend. I actually don't think that the house (s) is the actual problem, it's just a symptom of the way your girlfriend and her family behave. On one hand they seem like people that really care about family and will do anything for loved ones. But at the same time they are just too clingy and self absorbed. 

On top of the fact that they know you really need to work from your house for the success of your business, they also know your Dad is there all alone. You're 26 so it doesn't mean you need to be at home with your father all the time.

But the fact is, at your girlfriend's house they have the whole family there and they're all very close. Whereas your Dad just lost his wife not long ago. Your Dad is all by himself and he probably needs you for emotional support and company. Yet your girlfriend's family just don't seem to understand any of that and make everything only about themselves.

It's not just her family's fault though because your girlfriend is an adult and she's actually making her own choices. She doesn't need to force you to stay at her house all the time. And also it doesn't even seem like she wants time alone with you. When your father was away at the spa, that was the perfect opportunity for you and your girlfriend to stay at your house alone. To have space and privacy to yourself as a young couple. Yet she didn't actually want. She even didn't care that you were leaving your pets alone for so long and only coming home briefly just to feed them. I feel bad for the cat because cats still need company.

Even though your girlfriend's family are probably nice people, but you're not in a relationship with them, you're in a relationship with your girlfriend. Yet it sounds like they want you to be with them 24/7. It's very extreme that your girlfriend's mother called and cried that you went home. Um, you're 26 and you have your own house. Why shouldn't you go home?! I think it's just not normal to have such an emotional reaction. Your girlfriend's mother sounds very clingy and not allowing her daughter to be independent or have a life of her own.

My Mum was actually very clingy and smothered me because I'm an only child and I hated it. It's actually a big trigger for me when someone is clingy to me and gives me no space and privacy. So personally I probably wouldn't date someone who has this kind of unhealthy relationship with their mother/family. I've had enough of that from my own mother lol

[Batya33]

I agree with the others that this is not workable including the dynamic that you seem to have with her where you see yourself as her savior, her hero, that she owes her growth/success to all you've done for her and same with her brother -it comes across -the way you write it -as if you feel you're sort of the victim here of "see all I've done for you and this is the payback ??"  I sense a little of superiority on your part -it may be true you are "superior" to her in certain ways but the way you describe it and approach it seems like an unhealthy dynamic.  And so is the dynamic the other way -I agree with all everyone wrote about that.

You might get some benefit over feeling all powerful and how "I remade her" etc but that pales in comparison to all the downsides.  Don't let yourself get dragged down and in a newish relationship.  Get out soon before you're even more enmeshed and making even more excuses.  JMHO

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

This is a nice way to reframe this. No, I am not paying rent. I do buy things for the house here and there and we get along really well. Her parents adore me. We even have parties on the weekend (they are lovely people). On that note, all of them seem too attached to me. Her brothers too. They even said they can't fathom the idea of me not being in their lives anymore. I've helped them a lot. Got her brother a way better job, gave the other brother a lot of life advice to the point that the only person he likes to talk to is me (even though he is older 4 years than me), etc. And her? Oh, my God, I've changed her life so much that she should be grateful forever. Even though she is not. Got her the last 5 jobs she had, even this one with the high pay, helped her with her college, introduced her to a bunch of people and my friends, and made her waaaay more mature than she was...

She got a job where she will travel a lot, and the pay almost equals mine. We will be basically living on 7000 euros a month, and the average pay in my country is 800 euros. So you can see that money is definitely not a problem. She has a work ethic, she works a lot, but her home duties are not so much developed. I do have to learn to cook as I don't know anything about it, and she does cook but after work, she just doesn't feel like it. We're in a grey zone and I think this will make or break our relationship.

Just to comment on all this as well. I really don't think it's healthy that literally her whole family have become so attached to you. First of all it's a little strange. I mean, it's great you all get along so well but getting attached to the point that you're the only person her brother wants to talk to about problems, her Mum calls in tears because you left, and they're offended if you're not always with them. That's all just too much in my opinion.

Another reason why it's a bad idea to get so attached because if your relationship with your girlfriend ended, most likely you'd need to cut off contact with her family too. I think it's OK to be on friendly terms with the family but they are actually treating you like you're actually their son. And even if you were their real son, you're 26 so this level of dependence on you and clinginess is still not normal because you're an adult and have your own life.

Also you said you've helped your girlfriend become way more mature but she actually doesn't sound mature. She relies on her mother to do everything for her and she's in her 20's.

 

[Kwothe28]

I think that people should seek people complimentary to their life style. For example doctors have really messy work hours including nighshifts(and as we discovered on some other thread also cheating with nurses lol). That kind of life style is not suitable for everybody. As not everybody can accept the person who has that way of living. 

Same with you and your girlfriend. You have a lot going on and need to focus on work. Somebody who cant understand that, will hardly be happy with that lifestyle. You now make a concession and grant her wishes for you to spend time at her place. But if you decide to stay at your home and do the work, would she stay in the relationship with you? Or would she just break up then and find somebody who would spend time at her home?

And that is another thing. I get being "home sick". But your girlfriend has unhealthy obsession with her own home. Dunno if its because of her mother(she clearly keeps all her kids at home and doesnt want them out) but they all have an unhealthy level of obsession there. Its something to be noted as tomorrow, you hopefully wont be living with all of them but have a home on your own. Would she accept that home as her own? Or would she run every other day to her mom? What if you both move out to a different place so she cant visit home? Its a good questions that you should ask yourself and see if there is a future there.

[poorlittlefish]

Most people who've only been together a year aren't living together, much less between two homes and awkward family dynamics. It is reasonable to say that you need to rewind a bit, so you can focus on building what is ultimately a secure future. Concentrate on your work at your house during the week and go visit her family's place at the weekend. It's your girlfriend's choice whether to move into your place or stay where she is. She's being selfish and you can't allow this to jeopardise your financial wellbeing.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You have a lot going on and need to focus on work. Somebody who cant understand that, will hardly be happy with that lifestyle.

I think in this situation it's not can't but doesn't choose to.  Especially with the internet and those resources it's easy-if you want -to learn more about a certain working lifestyle -or for example a 20 something couple who marry and go from working full time to mom staying home full time to raise a child/children- the man often has no clue (or maybe the woman!) so couples typically have to adjust, compromise, accommodate, and acknowledge a very different lifestyle that involves often 24/7 being "on", sleep deprivation and a lot of "invisible work" all unpaid. 

If couples can do that surely if this woman chooses she can learn more, talk more in a productive way, attempt to compromise and- sure-she might decide nope this is not for me. But it's not "can't" -I see this woman perfectly capable of making choices that suit her and having great arguments as to why it's gotta be my  way or the highway. 

(If I was able to adust to leaving my home town of 43 years at age 43 with a new baby, new job -SAHM - unemployed for first time in over 15 years, in a city where I knew no one really and no family - I did that because I chose to adjust, accommodate, compromise and it's not easy sometimes because we may have to relocate again for his career) but blaming it on "I've always done it this way and I'm not budging" or "I can't" doesn't make sense to me -in this particular situation anyway.  

I think it's unusual for a long term couple to be able to maintain their specific lifestyle and living situation forever and if it's non-negotiable to one person "I'd never marry a doctor who had to be on call" or "I can't deal with having to ever move out of my home town" that should be known as early on as possible.  But I think that level of rigidity is unusual among people who are serious minded about marriage.  With exceptions like "I can't move away from my aging parents" or "sibling with special needs" etc.

[Lambert]

Well, it sounds like you have a choice to make.  What we don't change, we accept.  And we can't change others.  All you can do is decide what is best for you and act accordingly.  To be fair, you should communicate those needs and use the other person's response to help direct you.  

You have to be your own person.  It's ridiculous that you are an additional child to another family.  When you are an adult.  Neither of you should be so dependent on the mom to pack lunches.  This is also a problem with the mom.  

And here's the real thing I want to point out.... Don't go two weeks without seeing your own Dad. That's not cool.  I think as adults, floating back and forth between two families when you have your own money is nonsense, but that's just my opinion.  Anyway, sounds like they have a bunch of members and your dad just has you.  Come on. He recently lost his wife.  

Also why have all 5 jobs she's had in the last year required her to be up at 5 am? 

[bigbossmg]

48 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Well, it sounds like you have a choice to make.  What we don't change, we accept.  And we can't change others.  All you can do is decide what is best for you and act accordingly.  To be fair, you should communicate those needs and use the other person's response to help direct you.  

You have to be your own person.  It's ridiculous that you are an additional child to another family.  When you are an adult.  Neither of you should be so dependent on the mom to pack lunches.  This is also a problem with the mom.  

And here's the real thing I want to point out.... Don't go two weeks without seeing your own Dad. That's not cool.  I think as adults, floating back and forth between two families when you have your own money is nonsense, but that's just my opinion.  Anyway, sounds like they have a bunch of members and your dad just has you.  Come on. He recently lost his wife.  

Also why have all 5 jobs she's had in the last year required her to be up at 5 am? 

I realized my mistake about not visiting my dad. (The story is a bit different though, he has a girlfriend and stuff so it's not like he is alone, but he is alone in the house). Plus I do have a brother that has a family and they also visit for three days a week, but sometimes not every week. I did have a talk with her about that and we began visiting much more. Her family likes my dad and always help him around, the problem is mostly my gf who is always pulling us to go to her house, without even asking if I wanna stay at my house or anything.

She is a student that works student jobs, so mostly she works in various stores. Right now she has a chance for a really high-paying job, so this will change as well.

[Andrina]

Let me guess that she is the one who pushed for living together during your first year of dating. You were so enamored that you went for all of that togetherness. Most people in the first year average 2 to 3 dates per week. What you've done is out of the norm, so no surprise it's not working out.

Her mother has played psychological games and did a real number on her family. She set up a dynamic where the baby birds will never  leave the nest. When they get out of line, they get a tongue lashing, just as they give you when you get out of line. To keep the peace, they give in and are rewarded with praise.

Why do they praise you about other things besides your family? They are afraid you will take away their child, and so they must welcome you into their fold. Why do they badmouth your relatives? Because abusive, controlling people attempt to isolate. They want you to build a wall against your own family.

Not to this extent, but close, when I was a teen I dated my first love for 2 years. Even at that tender age, I was wise enough to dump him because I could see his mother's manipulation, and that her opinion, wants and needs, that exceeded the normal motherly role, would always be obeyed. He was a mama's boy, just like your gf is a mama's girl. DEALBREAKER

If you want to, you can let her know how you will operate your life and business in a way that's comfortable for you, and includes her. If she doesn't like the set-up of what you've proposed, then IMO, it's time to breakup. That's why you date. To see if someone is a good fit or not. When you are upset a higher percentage of the time more than being satisfied, it's a clear sign it's the wrong partner.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Lambert]

sometimes you just have to question why someone is so pushy to lock you down into progressing the relationship. not that you aren't great but that they are cracked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[bigbossmg]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Let me guess that she is the one who pushed for living together during your first year of dating. You were so enamored that you went for all of that togetherness. Most people in the first year average 2 to 3 dates per week. What you've done is out of the norm, so no surprise it's not working out.

Her mother has played psychological games and did a real number on her family. She set up a dynamic where the baby birds will never  leave the nest. When they get out of line, they get a tongue lashing, just as they give you when you get out of line. To keep the peace, they give in and are rewarded with praise.

Why do they praise you about other things besides your family? They are afraid you will take away their child, and so they must welcome you into their fold. Why do they badmouth your relatives? Because abusive, controlling people attempt to isolate. They want you to build a wall against your own family.

Not to this extent, but close, when I was a teen I dated my first love for 2 years. Even at that tender age, I was wise enough to dump him because I could see his mother's manipulation, and that her opinion, wants and needs, that exceeded the normal motherly role, would always be obeyed. He was a mama's boy, just like your gf is a mama's girl. DEALBREAKER

If you want to, you can let her know how you will operate your life and business in a way that's comfortable for you, and includes her. If she doesn't like the set-up of what you've proposed, then IMO, it's time to breakup. That's why you date. To see if someone is a good fit or not. When you are upset a higher percentage of the time more than being satisfied, it's a clear sign it's the wrong partner.

Good luck and keep us updated.

You were right in some things and wrong in others. Her oldest brother lives apart, nor does her mother stop anyone from leaving and moving to a better job. Her middle brother also has a traveling job so he is not home until later in the evening anyway, sometimes not for a week. 

The problems are:

- She is too connected to her mother

- She gets away with everything

- Her dad wasn't all that good to them when they were younger, right now they don't really love him all that much, but have that sort of a weird connection where they would do anything for him but also would get in a fight with him in like 3 seconds. (he is a difficult man). He, for example, acts completely differently when I am around and when I am not. When I'm there, he is a nice, goofy, positive guy. When I'm not, he is always negative and constantly tries to pick fights with them.

- Her mother is too sensitive and she gets sad and cries very easily. When we went away for the first day she started crying on the phone and told my gf: "I have a bad back, your dad is not home until 5 pm because of work, what if something happens to me and I'm all alone?" It's like she expects us to be there all the time to look after her and keep her company. I care about her, she is a good woman, but come on... It's unreasonable to think that we have to be there ALL the time.

- As soon as I start to voice my opinion, my gf gets mad and either hangs up or straight up starts acting like a child, this is when her mother always stands on my side and tells her she is being unreasonable. Then, and only then my gf starts seeing things from my perspective. This also brings me to a point that her mother won't always be here for us and if we can't solve our problems alone, it will be really bad for the future.

- They are a family that always wanted others to help them. They frequently changed jobs, people stopped hanging out with them, people betrayed them... For a lot of those cases, it's their own fault. They are always talking in this way: "when I worked there, nobody helped me.", or "he didn't help us at all", and stuff like that. Every family friends they had, every godfather to their child stopped hanging out with them, and every neighbor also.

 

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

Every family friends they had, every godfather to their child stopped hanging out with them, and every neighbor also.

I see they were smart enough to run from the toxic fumes. It's wiser to have a "what you see is what you get" mentality, versus being unrealistic and hoping for major change in order to be happy. Better to choose someone you don't want to change in a major way. They have a right to be who they are, and you have a right to say, "This isn't working for me."

Many metaphors are accurate, but "Love conquers all" is one that is absolutely inaccurate.

[Jaunty]

I would caution you to check yourself a little here too.  It seems that you are getting something out of being the "savior" figure for this family which is full of problems.   You do speak of them from a position of perceived superiority.   Frankly, that is not a good look, but that's really beside the point.  What might be useful is for you to take an honest look at why this is feeding something within you.    

In any case, though, I am pretty certain that your relationship with your girlfriend and her entire family is dysfunctional and won't be sustainable for much longer under these or any circumstances.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

I did have a talk with her about that and we began visiting much more.

Why does she have to come along or control when you go to visit him? I mean sure if you and gf have preexisting plans fine.  Also you can stay at your house without her.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

You were right in some things and wrong in others. Her oldest brother lives apart, nor does her mother stop anyone from leaving and moving to a better job. Her middle brother also has a traveling job so he is not home until later in the evening anyway, sometimes not for a week. 

The problems are:

- She is too connected to her mother

- She gets away with everything

- Her dad wasn't all that good to them when they were younger, right now they don't really love him all that much, but have that sort of a weird connection where they would do anything for him but also would get in a fight with him in like 3 seconds. (he is a difficult man). He, for example, acts completely differently when I am around and when I am not. When I'm there, he is a nice, goofy, positive guy. When I'm not, he is always negative and constantly tries to pick fights with them.

- Her mother is too sensitive and she gets sad and cries very easily. When we went away for the first day she started crying on the phone and told my gf: "I have a bad back, your dad is not home until 5 pm because of work, what if something happens to me and I'm all alone?" It's like she expects us to be there all the time to look after her and keep her company. I care about her, she is a good woman, but come on... It's unreasonable to think that we have to be there ALL the time.

- As soon as I start to voice my opinion, my gf gets mad and either hangs up or straight up starts acting like a child, this is when her mother always stands on my side and tells her she is being unreasonable. Then, and only then my gf starts seeing things from my perspective. This also brings me to a point that her mother won't always be here for us and if we can't solve our problems alone, it will be really bad for the future.

- They are a family that always wanted others to help them. They frequently changed jobs, people stopped hanging out with them, people betrayed them... For a lot of those cases, it's their own fault. They are always talking in this way: "when I worked there, nobody helped me.", or "he didn't help us at all", and stuff like that. Every family friends they had, every godfather to their child stopped hanging out with them, and every neighbor also.

 

Look honestly I think you're playing a part in all this too because you're going along with it all. I understand in some cultures people are very close to family and their partner's family. For example in some Asian cultures. You mentioned Euros though so you must be from Europe and of European background? I'm from Eastern European background but live in Australia and in my background you also have to be very respectful to your parents and older people and everything. I think there's a difference between being respectful and being this level of involved. You even talk about them as if they're your own family. Even saying they love your Dad, help your Dad, etc. 

Personally I think that what you're doing by getting this involved with her family is not healthy and you are also setting some unreasonable expectations. You've been with your girlfriend for a year at this point. It's a decent amount of time but it's not that long. You and your girlfriend are not engaged or married, you don't live in your own place together. You actually don't have the level of commitment in your relationship that would warrant this level of attachment to her family. Also if you and your girlfriend break up, what will you do, continue hanging out with her family? I don't really see what the point is of living with them and becoming so close to them is when your girlfriend is not your fiance or wife. 

It does sound like your girlfriend is used to getting what she wants, but you are helping her be like that. You don't actually have to stay at her place all the time. You have choices as well. Also relationships are about compromise and she has to compromise with you too. 

I think you also have to think about the fact that your girlfriend is in a relationship with you but she doesn't seem to actually want a relationship where it's just the two of you. At your house it's just your Dad there and maybe sometimes he's out or busy with his girlfriend. Sounds like your Dad is not clingy because he doesn't mind if you're away all the time. So you could probably have more privacy at your house but your girlfriend doesn't actually want that. The ten days your Dad was away was the perfect opportunity for the two of you to be alone and yet your girlfriend prefers to be at her house with all her family. And she knows you could have focused better on your business there and plus you were leaving the cat alone.

I think you need to consider that people don't really change and this dynamic they have is likely to be permanent. The only way it could change is if you actually set more boundaries yourself. But obviously if your girlfriend is the one that wants things to be this way then it's not even her family who are the main issue, but her. 

I find the language you use a bit strange too when you say: "We began visiting my Dad much more". You use the term "visit" but it's actually YOUR house. "I visit my house". It sounds like it's reached a point that you actually do live with your girlfriend's family and you actually do only visit your house. But if you actually own your house on paper then doesn't it make more sense that she move in with you? For example if your Dad gets serious with his new girlfriend or something then he might move out with her somewhere else and that house would be yours. So I don't really see the point why you're setting up the expectations that you will actually live at her place. I mean you own the house so sooner or later you will live there because it's your place.

It also just sounds ridiculous when you say you and your girlfriend have an argument, but her mother takes your side. Why is her mother even in your arguments? This doesn't sound like an actual adult relationship but more like teenagers at school. Always hanging out with the parents and the parents are always involved.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why does she have to come along or control when you go to visit him? I mean sure if you and gf have preexisting plans fine.  Also you can stay at your house without her.

Yes and it also actually sounds like you basically spend 24/7 with your girlfriend. Even if she didn't live with her whole family, you don't have to spend 24/7 with her. Does she have any friends or do anything by herself? Does she have any hobbies? It doesn't sound like she has any ability to be independent or be alone. Maybe if she was your wife and you went out with some friends, it would actually be her calling you in tears: "Why did you leave me alone??!" I mean think about it.

[SooSad33]

On 2/16/2023 at 10:23 AM, bigbossmg said:

Last week, we went to my house so I can work and her mother called her in tears about why do we have to go, is their house ugly so I don't want to work there, what's wrong? Basically, I couldn't believe it lol, I was so close to losing my *** but I calmed down. I'm very successful, and I don't want to seem rude, but I'm way more successful than their kids, and I think I made a mistake because I didn't create any boundaries in the beginning. Now they got used to me and can't fathom that I would like to go home.

By the sounds of it, you can't reason with them in a rational manner & have them see this & accept this.

And yeah, she's just like her mom - which is all pretty pathetic!  I'd lose my **** too if I had my gf's mothing assume & talk to me that way 😕 .  Calling you in tears..give it a rest!

You have a home & if that is where it is best for you, then you go there! Simple.  If she don't like it, too bad!

Anyways, if she can't accept how much you do give in this relationship, with even just going to her parents place to 'see her', as much as you do, then she doesn't deserve you.  But, do NOT risk your business over this behaviour.

 

I also agree with much of what Tinydance has said - makes sense, doesn't it?

Make your own choices.  Do what's best for YOU.  You can't please everyone and I sure as **** can't see you getting anywhere with a family like this.

What IS reasonable, especially when only being involved 1 year, is to see each other a cpl times a week, or even just on weekends.  Is that okay for you?  I'd say that's fine enough. Is how many couple's are in the beginning... then you can see IF things can progress in a positive from there.  Sounds like you two just jumped right into it, with both feet!  Has now become too much for you 😕 .

Anyways, things do need to change for YOUR own good.  But it really gets to me how her mother is acting out - and she's the same way?  Hmmm.. no thanks!

You should know by now IF this is working out for you or not.  I see some red flags and I don't see that improving at all.

It's been one year.  I think you're coming to see now, this is too much.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

Every family friends they had, every godfather to their child stopped hanging out with them, and every neighbor also.

Of course. This family is toxic. 

You are seeing why people don't want to be around them. I wouldn't, either. 

[boltnrun]

One of my former employees told me she intends to live with her mother for the rest of her life. She said she's very happy living with Mom. But she's not trying to insist a man live there with her. In fact, as far as I know she doesn't date at all. Neither does my other former employee whose mother lives with her. Her mom will live with her forever. 

If you don't want to continue this situation you'll have to tell your girlfriend.

Have you talked to her yet?

[bigbossmg]

We talked and resolved the issues. This is a test from my side to see if those issues will persist or not. I'm working from home and that was my final decision. She actually made a big fuss about it but eventually calmed down and accepted the decision. We can see each other after work, but I'm working from my office. We almost broke up, but we were able to talk it out.

I've also talked to my best friend who has always been there for me. He is the type of guy in a relationship that is always: my way or highway. He, of course, said to break up with her immediately and even offered to drive me home. We managed to work things out though, for now.

I'll see how the situation will unfold, my things are packed just in case. I've also told her that we should live alone and that we are a young couple who needs privacy. What troubles me is that she is still saying the same old: "I'm only 22 I still don't want to leave my house". However, I stated that that is not fair to me as I am 26 and am looking to stay long-term with someone. She said she actually had no plan for the future whatsoever, she is taking it day by day. I asked her: "So you intended for us to crash at your place and my place for years to come?". She said yes and I started laughing. I told her that we will not do this for long, as I want us to have our own private life and peace. 

She said she loves the current dynamic but I didn't budge and told her that I don't plan to do this for too long, and if she sees herself with me in the future, she would immediately want to live with me alone, not do this. She was silent after this. But eventually, we agreed on those things. However, I am highly skeptical and I think she will most likely still do what she wants, which is where I will end the relationship.

 

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

She said she actually had no plan for the future whatsoever, she is taking it day by day. I asked her: "So you intended for us to crash at your place and my place for years to come?". She said yes

You are jumping through hoops to stay there while its clear that you are at the different stages of life. You want yours to move forward. To do a good job, make something out of it and move on with her. She on the other hand, doesnt have those aspirations. She is perfectly satisfied with living with her family, coasting along and doing student gigs. You are hoping that to change but I just dont see it. We have a saying here: "Donkey has gone to Istanbul and donkey has come back". Meaning that you can show the world to somebody and they will still stay the same if they are not willing to accept new things. Same with you and your girlfriend. You can try to install those things to her, to get her to be more responsible with jobs and find better one, to get her to break away from home, but if she doesnt want that, she just doesnt. So I am afraid you are fighting a losing battle there.

[Batya33]

That’s “resolving “?  I think it’s just as unresolved and you literally have your bags packed. Why all this focus on sharing living space ? Is that a requirement for a serious relationship? Never was for any of mine. My husband and I lived together officially once we married.  We did live together for a month or so before our first - cancelled - wedding. Long story. Three months after we married someone else started living with us. He weighed about 8 pounds and his stuff weighed a lot more lol.
I can’t imagine how hard it would have been for me to adjust and him to adjust being new parents in a one bedroom apartment had we lived together before on our own.
This way we experienced living together as husband and wife and as parents. No expectations of privacy - or good sleep lol. 

You’re not living together in any adult way. You’re crashing at her parents house and she’s living at home. The push back she gave you about your work requirements is alarming. 

[Jaunty]

This whole thing is impossible for me to wrap my mind around.  IT IS NOT WORKING.  SO DON'T DO IT. 

I'm not even saying to break up with her.  Obviously you both have different ideas of how you want to live.  This living in both places wouldn't work for anyone.   So just live how you choose to in order to function well with your job and continue to date her. Maybe even spend some time with her one on one.  Seems like that has not yet played a part in your relationship.

[boltnrun]

So the only thing that has changed is you're no longer working from her parents' home? You're driving back and forth each workday? You still live with her parents? And if so, for how much longer? Or is living with her parents permanent?