Living situation problems with my girlfriend

[bigbossmg]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So the only thing that has changed is you're no longer working from her parents' home? You're driving back and forth each workday? You still live with her parents? And if so, for how much longer? Or is living with her parents permanent? 

I've never worked there, but the problem is she is forcing me to. I've told her that on highly stressful days I want us to be at my house because I don't feel like driving. On others, I'll come and visit after work. It's not permanent, she also said it's not, but she wants to live at her house for now as she feels she is too young to go live in an apartment. All bunch of bull*** if you ask me, and this is a ticking time bomb.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

. I'm working from home and that was my final decision. 

This is a great first step in reclaiming your life. However save the living together discussion for a later time, when you know each other better.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

I've never worked there, but the problem is she is forcing me to.

Can you explain this? If you've never worked from her parents' home then how is she "forcing" you to work from their home?  And how exactly is she "forcing" you to work from their home? Does she steal your car keys? Physically block the exits? 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

I've never worked there, but the problem is she is forcing me to

Please, stop.  She can't "force" you to work anywhere, or anyhow.   Your workday and how you arrange it doesn't have anything to do with your (fairly new) girlfriend.  Even married people don't dictate how and where their spouse works.

3 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

I told her that on highly stressful days I want us to be at my house because I don't feel like driving.

Again - just stop.  There is no reason to have any of these conversations.   Stop including her, her family and all the back and forth & drama in how you function in work.

You are DATING this girl.  DATING happens outside of working hours.  You can't live together now because you don't agree on how / where to make that work and it's fine because you are way too enmeshed in an unhealthy and unrealistic way.

Organize yourself to be highly functional in your work, get out of your involvement with her work, and date her outside of business hours.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Please, stop.  She can't "force" you to work anywhere, or anyhow.   Your workday and how you arrange it doesn't have anything to do with your (fairly new) girlfriend.  Even married people don't dictate how and where their spouse works.

Again - just stop.  There is no reason to have any of these conversations.   Stop including her, her family and all the back and forth & drama in how you function in work.

You are DATING this girl.  DATING happens outside of working hours.  You can't live together now because you don't agree on how / where to make that work and it's fine because you are way too enmeshed in an unhealthy and unrealistic way.

Organize yourself to be highly functional in your work, get out of your involvement with her work, and date her outside of business hours.

YES

[Batya33]

She doesn’t have to move out of her parents house to be in a serious relationship with you. But you have to move out of her parents house and be accountable for your own decisions / she’s not forcing you to do anything / to be in an honest relationship with yourself and in a developing and healthy relationship with her. You have this odd notion that you should live with a woman quite early on. Maybe in this case because of convenience and you liked being pampered and feeling superior to them? 
you can date her and be very serious without insisting that she move out and live with you.  Separately I don’t think you two are a good match because even if you get married her level of attachment to her parents is not going to work for you. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

I've never worked there, but the problem is she is forcing me to.

You're a grown man. She cannot "force" you to do anything. 

You lack boundaries with her. That's a big part of your problem. It's on nobody but you that you go along with her demands and enable her. 

[bigbossmg]

By forcing I mean constantly trying to persuade me, not physically forcing me lol.

I'm also not saying we should be living together. However, if I was to say: We'll see each other on the weekends - all hell would break loose. There would be drama all over the place, as she wants to constantly be with me. Could be that she doesn't trust me (she is jealous after all). She wants to be with me all the time and wants to sleep with me. I think she would rather break up than go back to us seeing each other twice a week (we only did that for like 3 months).

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

 - all hell would break loose. There would be drama all over the place, as she wants to constantly be with me. Could be that she doesn't trust me she is jealous after all

It's possible you're finally seeing how many red flags there are in this situation. Therefore it's good to start getting your life back in order by living at your own home where you belong. 

Stepping back may help you reflect if you're in the relationship that you want or if it feels more like you're babysitting a somewhat spoiled child.

Sorry to hear about your mother's recent death. Unfortunately it seems like you were still grieving when you got involved in this and perhaps latched on in a too much too soon manner.

Just take your time and reclaim your life. Even if her and her family filled a void at the time, you're not obligated to continue when you're starting to notice so many conflicts and red flags.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship sounds utterly exhausting and smothering. 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

By forcing I mean constantly trying to persuade me, not physically forcing me lol.

I'm also not saying we should be living together. However, if I was to say: We'll see each other on the weekends - all hell would break loose. There would be drama all over the place, as she wants to constantly be with me. Could be that she doesn't trust me (she is jealous after all). She wants to be with me all the time and wants to sleep with me. I think she would rather break up than go back to us seeing each other twice a week (we only did that for like 3 months).

What if you had to travel for work for a few months or wanted to visit friends or family on your own for a few weeks. Drama too ?  She’s not a loving or caring person with respect to you. She’s a self absorbed clinger. What you’re describing isn’t forcing. Just like my son continuing to complain when I say no or worse is not forcing me. I simply keep firmly and quietly reasserting boundaries or ignore. If I had to do that with a partner too often I’d likely not be partnered with that person for long. 

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

By forcing I mean constantly trying to persuade me,

So she doesn't respect your wishes and smashes through your explanations. It's more examples of her demanding her own way and not caring about what you want and need.

Does this spoiled entitled behavior inspire love in you? Do you find her actions and attitude attractive and alluring? 

5 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

if I was to say: We'll see each other on the weekends - all hell would break loose. There would be drama all over the place, as she wants to constantly be with me. Could be that she doesn't trust me (she is jealous after all)

Do you find this behavior cute? Do you like how jealous and possessive she is? Do you think it proves how much she loves you? Does it make your ego feel good to know she's apparently this crazy about you? 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This relationship sounds utterly exhausting and smothering. 

 

I agree.  Also I see this coming from both parties - not just the gf.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

By forcing I mean constantly trying to persuade me, not physically forcing me lol.

I'm also not saying we should be living together. However, if I was to say: We'll see each other on the weekends - all hell would break loose. There would be drama all over the place, as she wants to constantly be with me. Could be that she doesn't trust me (she is jealous after all). She wants to be with me all the time and wants to sleep with me. 

You need boundaries that work for you and then you have to enforce them.  If she can't deal with that, then your relationship is not viable.

Surely you know that tailoring your behavior and choices to try to manage somebody else's behavior is a dead end.  

The whole thing is textbook "co-dependence" and both of you are full participants.

[Seraphim]

Only extremely insecure and immature or abusive people hang onto someone with a death grip and try and control and manipulate them. Run. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Only extremely insecure and immature or abusive people hang onto someone with a death grip and try and control and manipulate them. Run. 

And someone who chooses to stay in a relationship with someone who is "spoiled" and "jealous" is obviously getting some kind of need met. 

[MissCanuck]

On 2/20/2023 at 7:01 PM, bigbossmg said:

All bunch of bull*** if you ask me, and this is a ticking time bomb.

So why haven't you ended it already? 

[bigbossmg]

The situation is not getting better. It got better, but now it's still bad again.

This is not about living situation anymore as we have solved that and I have stood my ground.

Now she is mad all the time for stupid things, throwing temper tantrums because of situations that are so blatantly stupid, and the segment in which if it's not her way she is getting mad is, you've guessed it, always there. She is a hypocrite, and has a huge ego and entitlement so much so that if she is sick and people don't contact her during the day to ask her how she is she gets mad.. 

[boltnrun]

This is the question I always ask people in these kind of situations.

Knowing how she is, how does another five years of putting up with her attitude sound? Does the thought of dealing with her immature, selfish tantrums sound wonderful, amazing and like everything you've ever wanted from a lifetime relationship? Or does it sound more like a prison sentence?

[bigbossmg]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

This is the question I always ask people in these kind of situations.

Knowing how she is, how does another five years of putting up with her attitude sound? Does the thought of dealing with her immature, selfish tantrums sound wonderful, amazing and like everything you've ever wanted from a lifetime relationship? Or does it sound more like a prison sentence?

The latter but it is hard to let go for me, always has been. I'm having problems with that especially since my mother died, I would be all alone in that house with my dad. It will be really ***ty. So you could say that this relationship is perhaps an illusion, but I don't know how I could cope with all of that considering the stuff that happened in the last year and now getting this stressful work...

[boltnrun]

So you're saying you're willing to put up with her just so you don't have to be girlfriend-less?

I hope you know dealing with her adds to your stressors. It doesn't improve them.

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/16/2023 at 2:10 PM, bigbossmg said:

them thinking my family doesn't like them

This is a manipulation tactic.  Isolating you from others and your needs is gross.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

The latter but it is hard to let go for me, always has been. I'm having problems with that especially since my mother died, I would be all alone in that house with my dad. It will be really ***ty. So you could say that this relationship is perhaps an illusion, but I don't know how I could cope with all of that considering the stuff that happened in the last year and now getting this stressful work...

So, like the weird psychology of a child, negative attention is better than no attention at all. As in, you're foregoing what you really want in life, delayed satisfaction, for the present, dysfunctional attention that keeps you from feeling lonely.

Anything worth it in life requires a lot of hard work first. The four or more years of intense studying and taking exams that college requires to achieve a degree. The cycle of job interviews you have to prepare for and to deal with the stress of what interviews entail. The stressful parts of jobs to gain a salary, and the vetting process of dating.

You might be one of those people who thrive on instant gratification versus delayed gratification. My ex-husband was like that. I saw it as self-sabotaging.

You can create any life you want for yourself, but it doesn't mean it will be easy-going at first, and it will take a lot of planning. But if you make a plan and take steps to achieve it, won't it feel good to be moving toward your life goals?

I don't know what you mean by being stuck in your house with your Dad. If you each need privacy, perhaps the house could be configured to have an area for an in-law suite for either of you to live in. I don't know your situation, but I'm sure you can think of other alternatives to make your life more pleasant.

Better than throwing your hands up in the air and thinking, "Well, I'm just going to be lazy and accept dysfunction rather than doing the hard work to get what I really want." Why does that make sense to you?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

 So you could say that this relationship is perhaps an illusion, but I don't know how I could cope with all of that considering the stuff that happened in the last year and now getting this stressful work...

It sounds like you have insight into why this was appealing at first. It also seems as though you are now getting a clearer picture of the immaturity and brattiness. Take your time and make the best choices for you.

[Tinydance]

18 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

The latter but it is hard to let go for me, always has been. I'm having problems with that especially since my mother died, I would be all alone in that house with my dad. It will be really ***ty. So you could say that this relationship is perhaps an illusion, but I don't know how I could cope with all of that considering the stuff that happened in the last year and now getting this stressful work...

Are you on a deserted island where it's just you and your girlfriend there? If not then I suggest you dump her because there are plenty of other women out there lol