Living situation problems with my girlfriend

[bigbossmg]

Hi all, I have a difficult situation going on.

Me (26y) and my girlfriend (22y) have been together for a year now. We live together, but we don't have our own home. We spend a few days with my dad, and then a few days with her parents. However, from April until last month, we spent 95% of our time at her house. I'm a little further from the town so it was easier for her to travel to work as she had to get up at 5 am. I was very understanding and adapted to help her. My dad lives alone because my mother died in March. The house is mine on paper too. But to help her, I was at her house a lot of the time, so much that I was practically living there, but I was missing my house the whole time because you know, it's my house and she lives with her father, mother, and brother (and one more brother that lives in a different city but often visits). So it's crowded.

I have my own company and I have an office set up in my room (I work from home), but we've spent a lot of time at her house and minimum time at my house. I'm used to working at my home because I worked there my whole career and it's just easier for me in every way possible. Her parents are cool, we get along very well and they think of me as their own child basically. However, it's way easier for me to work at my home as I can concentrate better and have my own work peace, as I have meetings the whole day basically. It's an office, and I feel most comfortable working there.

I recently landed a big international client and I am highly paid. No screwing around anymore as it is a full-time position, unlike before when I only made websites so I could work away from my office. I am way more productive while working from my home, but she just doesn't understand me. We constantly fought in the last few weeks because she wants me to work from her house and doesn't understand why I can't work from her house (after 5 pm, we always go to her house anyway), but she just can't understand. There were times when I haven't visited my dad for like 2 weeks because she worked, and I was understanding and went along, but now that I need some support, she doesn't want to reciprocate.

Last week, we went to my house so I can work and her mother called her in tears about why do we have to go, is their house ugly so I don't want to work there, what's wrong? Basically, I couldn't believe it lol, I was so close to losing my *** but I calmed down. I'm very successful, and I don't want to seem rude, but I'm way more successful than their kids, and I think I made a mistake because I didn't create any boundaries in the beginning. Now they got used to me and can't fathom that I would like to go home.

They are very nice people, but are very sensitive and get their feelings hurt really quickly (my girlfriend is like that as well), and she is especially close to her mother. And because of that, she wants her mother there all the time. So having a conversation with them about the situation would only make me a villain. My dad went away for 10 days in a spa and we have to watch over my house, but we are still at her house most of the day and only do the essentials around my house (we come home for about an hour to just feed my cat and chickens).

The problem is that she does not look at things from my side at all like I did all these months to make it easier for her to go to work, and instantly gets mad when I tell her that I would like to work from my house because it's easier for me. My gf makes it look like I am attacking her family, house, and everything when I say I want to work from my house, but doesn't understand that I have my own comfort in my own office. Besides, after work, we go to her house anyway. It's like she would like us to spend 24 hours a day in her house.

I have meetings all day, a really tough position that requires 100% concentration and I have to work from my office in order to be successful here.

My work is stressing me enough as it is, I don't need this as well. In what way should I approach this situation and establish a firm boundary without offending them?

[Jaunty]

It's a pretty easy solution, though probably not what you wanted to hear:  Your living in both places, neither of which are really both of your homes, is not working.  

It's either time for the two of you to make a commitment to make a home together in a place you both agree upon,  or stop "living together" (which this seems to be playing at but not for real, since neither place is both your homes) and just spend nights together on weekends etc, OR, maybe the relationship has run its course.

[Seraphim]

She doesn’t have the maturity to fathom you can’t act like a teenager playing house anymore and your business is serious business. Move back home . 

[bigbossmg]

56 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's a pretty easy solution, though probably not what you wanted to hear:  Your living in both places, neither of which are really both of your homes, is not working.  

It's either time for the two of you to make a commitment to make a home together in a place you both agree upon,  or stop "living together" (which this seems to be playing at but not for real, since neither place is both your homes) and just spend nights together on weekends etc, OR, maybe the relationship has run its course.

I agree. This is what I wanted to tell her if this persists, and sort of give her an ultimatum. 

I did mention it I few times, but she always answers with: "Why pay for our own apartment when we can live like this for the time being". Money is definitely no issue, but as I said, she just doesn't want to detach from her mother. Her mother cleans behind us, makes us lunch, does everything for her basically, and I think us living together is a problem for her because then we have to do all those things.

I agree that these are not our homes. But, my home is my home because it literally is on paper. My dad gave me the house when my mother died. I know for a fact my gf doesn't want to live there, so my only solution is neutral territory. Either we move to an apartment or buy a house. But seeing how attached she is to her house and everything, that will also not work. And I am not willing to move into her house as it is too crowded and her brother plans on living there forever.

[Batya33]

Tell her simply and directly "at this point my job comes first as far as where I physically sleep at night and live during the day.  I think we should be together when we can be and I think we should live together in the same place once we both are on the same page about how we should live, and also why we should live togethe."

Are you paying rent to her parents? Is she paying rent to you/your dad (and I am sorry about your mother's passing!!!)  If not then you are not living together -you're crashing at your respective parents' homes.  I think you should reframe it this way with her so she realizes -you two are hanging out at different houses during the week for convenience of being together overnight.  Also figure out what is the purpose of living together at all? Is it for convenience? financial reasons? because both of you believe it will strengthen your emotional commitment and you plan on getting engaged/married/making some sort of forever commitment?

You don't need to worry about offending them because you have to reframe that too.  You are not their child.  At most you might be a son in law someday or the father of their grandchildren.  You tell them it was a mistake on your part to take advantage of their generosity to this extent, and it was a bad idea.  That you believe maybe someday their daughter and you will live together in your own home in the appropriate way but given your job responsibilities now is not the time for you to be crashing at their home to that extent.

Also this is the time to see if your gf relates to your work ethic, ambition and drive and is sufficiently supportive of your job responsibilities.  Seems like not so much at the moment. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, bigbossmg said:

. But seeing how attached she is to her house and everything, that will also not work. 

Sorry this is happening. Have you considered that you're incompatible? There seems to be some red flags regarding family attachments.

Stay in your respective homes for now. It's too soon to be living together, especially with these red flags to wait and observe a bit longer.

In the meantime there's no need to feel like a hostage in her parents house. Just stay at your own place.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

Her mother cleans behind us, makes us lunch, does everything for her basically, and I think us living together is a problem for her because then we have to do all those things.

I agree that these are not our homes. But, my home is my home because it literally is on paper. My dad gave me the house when my mother died. I know for a fact my gf doesn't want to live there, so my only solution is neutral territory. Either we move to an apartment or buy a house. But seeing how attached she is to her house and everything, that will also not work. And I am not willing to move into her house as it is too crowded and her brother plans on living there forever.

You can hire a cleaning service.  Her mom doing all the work is not fair and is not "living together" in any mature, adult way.   I would not buy property unless you're married.  There are happy marriages where the couples live separately you know.

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

I agree. This is what I wanted to tell her if this persists, and sort of give her an ultimatum. 

I did mention it I few times, but she always answers with: "Why pay for our own apartment when we can live like this for the time being". Money is definitely no issue, but as I said, she just doesn't want to detach from her mother. Her mother cleans behind us, makes us lunch, does everything for her basically, and I think us living together is a problem for her because then we have to do all those things.

I agree that these are not our homes. But, my home is my home because it literally is on paper. My dad gave me the house when my mother died. I know for a fact my gf doesn't want to live there, so my only solution is neutral territory. Either we move to an apartment or buy a house. But seeing how attached she is to her house and everything, that will also not work. And I am not willing to move into her house as it is too crowded and her brother plans on living there forever.

You know you don’t have to have the same gf , right ? You are both really young . People seldom stay with the same person they were with when young . 

[bigbossmg]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Tell her simply and directly "at this point my job comes first as far as where I physically sleep at night and live during the day.  I think we should be together when we can be and I think we should live together in the same place once we both are on the same page about how we should live, and also why we should live togethe."

Are you paying rent to her parents? Is she paying rent to you/your dad (and I am sorry about your mother's passing!!!)  If not then you are not living together -you're crashing at your respective parents' homes.  I think you should reframe it this way with her so she realizes -you two are hanging out at different houses during the week for convenience of being together overnight.  Also figure out what is the purpose of living together at all? Is it for convenience? financial reasons? because both of you believe it will strengthen your emotional commitment and you plan on getting engaged/married/making some sort of forever commitment?

You don't need to worry about offending them because you have to reframe that too.  You are not their child.  At most you might be a son in law someday or the father of their grandchildren.  You tell them it was a mistake on your part to take advantage of their generosity to this extent, and it was a bad idea.  That you believe maybe someday their daughter and you will live together in your own home in the appropriate way but given your job responsibilities now is not the time for you to be crashing at their home to that extent.

Also this is the time to see if your gf relates to your work ethic, ambition and drive and is sufficiently supportive of your job responsibilities.  Seems like not so much at the moment. 

This is a nice way to reframe this. No, I am not paying rent. I do buy things for the house here and there and we get along really well. Her parents adore me. We even have parties on the weekend (they are lovely people). On that note, all of them seem too attached to me. Her brothers too. They even said they can't fathom the idea of me not being in their lives anymore. I've helped them a lot. Got her brother a way better job, gave the other brother a lot of life advice to the point that the only person he likes to talk to is me (even though he is older 4 years than me), etc. And her? Oh, my God, I've changed her life so much that she should be grateful forever. Even though she is not. Got her the last 5 jobs she had, even this one with the high pay, helped her with her college, introduced her to a bunch of people and my friends, and made her waaaay more mature than she was...

She got a job where she will travel a lot, and the pay almost equals mine. We will be basically living on 7000 euros a month, and the average pay in my country is 800 euros. So you can see that money is definitely not a problem. She has a work ethic, she works a lot, but her home duties are not so much developed. I do have to learn to cook as I don't know anything about it, and she does cook but after work, she just doesn't feel like it. We're in a grey zone and I think this will make or break our relationship.

[boltnrun]

Cooking is easy. But if you really don't want to plan meals or do much grocery shopping there are premade meals kits you can have delivered. Some of them provide all the ingredients plus recipes for you to cook and others just require you to pop them into the oven or microwave. You two can afford a cleaning person to come in twice each week. And you can afford to have your laundry done for you. You can't imagine the freedom of having your own home until you do. 

And tell her family they are welcome to come visit as long as they call or message first. 

If your girlfriend is dead set on never doing any household chores, does that mean she intends for the two of you to live with her parents forever? If so, are you willing to do so? If not, a discussion is absolutely required. 

[bigbossmg]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Cooking is easy. But if you really don't want to plan meals or do much grocery shopping there are premade meals kits you can have delivered. Some of them provide all the ingredients plus recipes for you to cook and others just require you to pop them into the oven or microwave. You two can afford a cleaning person to come in twice each week. And you can afford to have your laundry done for you. You can't imagine the freedom of having your own home until you do. 

And tell her family they are welcome to come visit as long as they call or message first. 

If your girlfriend is dead set on never doing any household chores, does that mean she intends for the two of you to live with her parents forever? If so, are you willing to do so? If not, a discussion is absolutely required. 

I'm absolutely sure she would love to live with them forever, but for me, there is no chance. Too crowded, I don't like the house layout and I already have a house that's literally on me lol. So why would I go there? She says she doesn't want to live with her family forever, but "for now, we should live like this" which honestly might mean that she is planning on manipulating me to do that.

[boltnrun]

Then you need to tell her clearly that continuing to live with her family doesn't work for you. You can tell her why, but when she protests it's important to stand firm.  Don't allow tears or begging or pleading or threats to end the relationship or guilt trips to sway you. And if she tries to get her family members involved, state clearly that this is between the two of you. Offer a reasonable compromise (however that looks to you).

There are two of you in this relationship. Compromise isn't defined by only one of you getting their own way all the time. 

[bigbossmg]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then you need to tell her clearly that continuing to live with her family doesn't work for you. You can tell her why, but when she protests it's important to stand firm.  Don't allow tears or begging or pleading or threats to end the relationship or guilt trips to sway you. And if she tries to get her family members involved, state clearly that this is between the two of you. Offer a reasonable compromise (however that looks to you).

There are two of you in this relationship. Compromise isn't defined by only one of you getting their own way all the time. 

This has actually been the biggest issue for me as I have sacrificed myself so much, and spent time at her place to make it easier for her, and now that she has to give it back, she doesn't want to. This is bugging me a lot. Her mother actually admitted it's her fault because she always got her way when she was young, and now it's tough to change that since she feels entitled that everyone does everything as she says. I think she needs a reality slap. A big one. Until then, she will just continue being like this.

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

This has actually been the biggest issue for me as I have sacrificed myself so much, and spent time at her place to make it easier for her, and now that she has to give it back, she doesn't want to. This is bugging me a lot. Her mother actually admitted it's her fault because she always got her way when she was young, and now it's tough to change that since she feels entitled that everyone does everything as she says. I think she needs a reality slap. A big one. Until then, she will just continue being like this.

Are you ready to deal with that for the rest of your life ? My son is a year younger than you I would advise him that a relationship like that is not sustainable because you will lose yourself being gobbled up by hers and her family’s wants. 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

This has actually been the biggest issue for me as I have sacrificed myself so much, and spent time at her place to make it easier for her, and now that she has to give it back, she doesn't want to. This is bugging me a lot. Her mother actually admitted it's her fault because she always got her way when she was young, and now it's tough to change that since she feels entitled that everyone does everything as she says. I think she needs a reality slap. A big one. Until then, she will just continue being like this.

It's up to you if you want to be yet another person who gives her everything she wants and who allows her to always get her own way. 

[bigbossmg]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Are you ready to deal with that for the rest of your life ? My son is a year younger than you I would advise him that a relationship like that is not sustainable because you will lose yourself being gobbled up by hers and her family’s wants. 

There is also the problem of them thinking my family doesn't like them, which is not true at all. My dad loves them and my brother's family lives in another town and has a baby so they only saw them like 2 times, but were always nice to them. They have too many expectations and have a deformed view of what this should be. They expect that they help them and come by all the time lol. They are literally analyzing every word and action my family does and always manage to make it look negative, even though it's not negative at all.

My brother gave his half of the house to me as he lives with his family in another city, and yet they somehow managed to make that look bad by claiming he is doing that to make me and my girlfriend watch over my father when he gets old and sick so he doesn't have anything to do with that. But that is completely ridiculous lol... There were a lot of situations like that. My brother left some of his money on my account from a client he has and told me to keep some of it as a courtesy for him using my account. And even that they viewed as negative lol. I constantly have to explain the actions of my family to them. Which are not harmful or bad in any way at all. Not to mention that my girlfriend hates my brother's wife, and yet she has never done anything harmful to her but was always nice and polite.

I think that for a relationship that's only a year old families are involved too much in this, and we should have our own intimacy and a healthy dynamic. Right now, this is not healthy at all.

[Seraphim]

Her family’s views are plain ridiculous. If you stay with her they will be up in your face and life over every single minute and situation. Really think about if this is what you want because they won’t be changing . 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, bigbossmg said:

I think that for a relationship that's only a year old families are involved too much in this, and we should have our own intimacy and a healthy dynamic. Right now, this is not healthy at all.

Agree. Too much too soon and a lot of drama for a year of dating.

You seem to have insight into what the problems are in this situation. Distance yourself so you can reflect without all the background noise 

[boltnrun]

Her family will run your life for however long you allow them to.

Be prepared in case your girlfriend overreacts by saying you hate her family or something. She is used to getting her own way (and likely believes it's "unfair" if she doesn't) so if you don't go along with what she wants she will fight you on it.

If she refuses to compromise and insists you two live with her family, are you prepared to stand your ground? 

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't get too comfortable with staying there with her parents.  I understand you're not family, but as they say "two families can't live under one roof." Sooner rather than later it's likely they'll feel like you're invading their privacy, and when push comes to shove, the potential result will end as blood is thicker than water.

I'd move back and stay in my own home before the (word of choice) hits the fan.

[Coily]

This situation seems very... awful. It really seems like you are going to be trapped under her family roof if you don't do something about it now. That level of smothering and coddling would be enough to drive anyone mad.

While you should not obsessively pursue your career to the detriment of relationships; you also need to seize this oppurtunity that you now have. How this isn't a big flashing light to all involved is beyond me. However it seems they are determined to put a bubble around everything and live a very odd existence; that is up for you to decide how you want to proceed.

As I am usually the most reluctant to say this, I think this relationship is not going to work until your GF can be a woman, rather than the little girl she remains.

[Cherylyn]

@bigbossmgYour girlfriend and her family lack empathy.  They're very selfish and self-centered.  They don't care about your job, your livelihood and your need to work in the comfort of your home office environment.  It's not good enough for them.  They're not willing to compromise with you being at their house during your non-work hours.  I'm sorry.  I doubt this relationship will endure.  You need to be with the type of GF and family who thinks of others and knows how to be considerate.  Your girlfriend and her family are not meant to be long term. 

My condolences for your late mother.  Stay strong.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, bigbossmg said:

Got her the last 5 jobs she had

So she has had 5 jobs in the last year that you have been dating? Why is she changing jobs so frequently? 

Overall, your girlfriend is too immature and selfish for the sort of relationship you want. And she's learning to be manipulative by imitating her parents. She is turning out exactly like them. They don't sound sensitive. They sound like experts at emotional blackmail. There is a big difference.  Is that what you want to deal with forever? 

I would advise you move back to your own house and end this relationship altogether. You need a woman who can meet you on your level. This one is too childish and it's probably not going to get much better. 

[Seraphim]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So she has had 5 jobs in the last year that you have been dating? Why is she changing jobs so frequently? 

Overall, your girlfriend is too immature and selfish for the sort of relationship you want. And she's learning to be manipulative by imitating her parents. She is turning out exactly like them. They don't sound sensitive. They sound like experts at emotional blackmail. There is a big difference.  Is that what you want to deal with forever? 

I would advise you move back to your own house and end this relationship altogether. You need a woman who can meet you on your level. This one is too childish and it's probably not going to get much better. 

I agree 5 jobs in 1 year is not a good sign. 

[smackie9]

I have read through this thread and what would work for you is to just walk away. You have a great opportunity and you shouldn’t waste it over a gf that has temper tantrums. She’s not ready for real life. You have dreams and goals that are not supported by her. It’s not working out. Too much not right. I say your life would be better if you moved on.