Is it really THAT hard to apologize???

[boltnrun]

The manager of another department sent an email to me demanding to know why I hadn't completed the main portion of a task. This manager copied not only my manager but six other people as well.

Well, it turns out that particular assignment took place before I joined the company. So I replied that it happened before I was hired and I'm not sure why it wasn't done, but that I had gone ahead and corrected it. Not only did I not get a "thanks" for fixing the error but that manager didn't apologize for falsely accusing me of not completing the task properly.

I mentioned this to my brother and he said "well, it's HARD to admit you've made a mistake." 

What I want to know is, why? Why is it so hard for some people to say "I was wrong and I apologize"? I've done it many times and I didn't die. I survived just fine. And I think it actually makes people look more professional and mature when they can graciously apologize and admit they were wrong about something. 

I'm annoyed because it seems like this person was trying to get me in trouble with my manager. I do my job very competently. I get praise all the time about how good I am at my job. So it's not like I have made multiple mistakes and this manager had finally had enough. Not at all. I get told all the time that my attention to detail is impeccable. And the few times I've missed something I immediately go to the person and say so. I've never even had any interactions with this manager outside of both of us occasionally attending the same meetings. 

My brother thinks I should cut her some slack because she might be stressed and anyway, apologizing is "hard". I don't buy that. I've managed people and it is not their problem if things aren't going great in the industry or I'm having a bad day. I don't agree it's appropriate to take your bad day out on other employees.

My manager wants everyone to get along so he advocates for just letting things slide. I have no intention of confronting this manager or doing anything beyond the response I already sent. But I would like it if he would tell this other manager something like "Hey, it might be better if you do some research before you send those kind of emails. My employee wasn't responsible for that error and your email made it look like she's not doing her job."

So my question is, does anyone think apologizing and/or admitting you were wrong is really that excruciatingly painful? If so, why? And is it appropriate for someone to do what this manager did and then not send any kind of response acknowledging they made an error or should have asked questions before making accusations?

[Lambert]

No.  I don't think apologizing or admitting a mistake is hard but most ***s do.  So consider the source, as my mother would say.  

Of course they should apologize and acknowledge it, ask questions and all you said.  But you can't change other people.  you can change yourself or adjust how you handle things with that person going forward.  Which is to mainly keep interactions cold, but professional.  

I think your brother's advice to cut her some slack, is helpful for you, too.  As holding a grudge doesn't really help you anyway.  You don't have to tell her you are cutting her some slack.  You can just say to yourself-- she's a mess and I don't care.  LOL

[Seraphim]

It should never be hard to apologize. Also when someone CC’s other coworkers they are nasty and want to cause problems . 
 

I always apologize when I realize I was wrong or rude. 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

As holding a grudge doesn't really help you anyway.

I definitely don't and won't hold grudges. My brother was telling me to excuse her behavior because, in essence, it wasn't her fault. I disagree. As is often said on here, you don't choose your feelings but you choose your reactions. She chose to attempt to get me into trouble.

It would have been easy for her to send me a Teams message saying she noticed this wasn't completed correctly and could I look into it? But she wanted my manager to know. Why? Who knows. 

I won't retaliate or refuse to help her or her department. That would be unprofessional. But I think SHE behaved unprofessionally. And her lack of thanks or an apology is even more unprofessional. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It should never be hard to apologize. Also when someone CC’s other coworkers they are nasty and want to cause problems . 
 

I always apologize when I realize I was wrong or rude. 

Not just coworkers but my manager. There was no need to involve him at all, but yet she did. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Not just coworkers but my manager. There was no need to involve him at all, but yet she did. 

She is unprofessional and out to cause problems . 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She is unprofessional and out to cause problems . 

I wish I knew why. I have had minimal interactions with her before so I don't know if this is her standard MO or if she just singled me out for some reason.  And the only other direct interactions I had with her were during a company wide task and she had praised me for how much work I was getting done.

I'm hoping this is an outlier and it doesn't happen again. But an apology still would be nice! 

But my main question is, why do some people have so much resistance to apologizing? Is it viewed as a sign of weakness or something?

[Cherylyn]

Apologizing is hard for a lot of people due to their inflated egos and complete lack of humility.  It requires courage and sincerity to offer a humble apology and a lot of people are far too arrogant to ever admit fault and actually say, "I'm sorry for .  .  ."  Why?  Because you're not worth it to them.  That's why.  You're not that important in their life. 

For some people, it comes from how you were raised or lack thereof.  If you didn't grow up with empathy and If you weren't disciplined regarding accountability and apologies, you're certainly not going to practice apologizing in adulthood either. 

Another reason is narcissism and a sense of entitlement to say whatever they want, write whatever they want and do whatever they want without consequences.  They get away with it because they can and will.  They're spoiled brats who've honed committing offenses without repercussions.  If it isn't broken, why fix it?  It works for them so they continue their boorish habits. 

I've known some perpetrators who were in full on denial mode and turned it around on me by gaslighting me to smithereens.  That's another oldest trick in the book. 

Try not to get upset.  This is the world you live in.  Grow accustomed to rudeness because rudeness is the way of the world.  Rudeness is rampant.  I encounter rudeness all the time in society which is the norm.  Lower your expectations and standards in people and you'll grow numb to rudeness.  Unfortunately, rudeness is habitual.  The less you expect of others, the thicker your skin will grow.  It's actually good for you to grow cynical, wary and jaded regarding the human race because nothing will surprise nor give you the shock factor anymore.

I'm actually RELIEVED whenever I catch a whiff of rudeness because rudeness in others teaches YOU how to be more careful in how you navigate relationships with them.  Negative experiences teach you how to protect yourself wisely.  Learning about people teaches you how to be more shrewd.  Naivete is no more.  Negative experiences make you smarter and more aware. 

[boltnrun]

I actually disagree that most people are rude. That hasn't been my experience. Everyone else I work with is helpful, complimentary and professional. My neighbors are friendly and always ask if I need help if I appear to be struggling with something. This one instance isn't going to convince me the world is full of bad people.

I just found it odd that my brother said it's "hard" to apologize. I'm sorry. See, that wasn't so hard lol! 

I would be interested to hear from anyone who thinks apologizing is difficult because I would truly like to understand why that is. 

[Cherylyn]

It's not hard to apologize.  It's easier not to apologize. 

@boltnrunIt's a mixed bag.  I have nice colleagues and neighbors.  I also have some colleagues and neighbors who aren't nice.  I have some relatives and in-laws who are nice and then there are some in-laws and relatives who would curl your toes. ☹️

Why is it difficult to apologize?  I don't even think it's a matter of difficulty.  It's more convenient to be dismissive, indifferent and apathetic which requires less effort, time and energy.  People do what's easier.  People take the easy way out.

Should you call them on it, here comes the gaslighting all over again with calling you deranged, dramatic, emotional, a liar, loose cannon, unstable, slanderous and on and on.  Those are typical reactions should perpetrators be confronted.  They'll turn it around on you by accusing you of fabricating or being nuts. 

Just be prepared for any scenario. 

As for people who don't apologize, let it go.  However, learn from it and wake up by realizing whom you're dealing with.  You can't trust them and you can't respect and admire them anymore either.  A part of you got up and left.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I actually disagree that most people are rude. That hasn't been my experience. Everyone else I work with is helpful, complimentary and professional. My neighbors are friendly and always ask if I need help if I appear to be struggling with something. This one instance isn't going to convince me the world is full of bad people.

I just found it odd that my brother said it's "hard" to apologize. I'm sorry. See, that wasn't so hard lol! 

I would be interested to hear from anyone who thinks apologizing is difficult because I would truly like to understand why that is. 

I mean it can be unpleasant -remember the Fonz on Happy Days?? - but I do every time I am aware I need to - and yes always when it comes to work.  And I'm specific about it.  What's so cool - in this job -been working here 6 years - my boss is SO approachable when it comes to either mistakes or perceived mistakes. (Meaning there have been times I've been concerned I messed up/missed a deadline and I needed to tell her that just in case and it turned out I hadn't).  I always apologize first "I'm so sorry I missed that email/misread the email and next time I will make sure to [fill in a specific way I will do it better/differently]".  

I am so sorry you went through that situation -so frustrating and unfair.  And yes I have been apologized to by all sorts of people -people I work with/friends, etc.  

Also to me -part of working with people is being part of a team -which requires owning your stuff -taking responsibility -and apologizing as needed.  Like in your situation -for sure it was needed!!

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Is it really THAT hard to apologize???

Yes. As Ive told on the other thread it is seen as a weakness in a lot of cases. For example, in a "corporate culture", there is a one big pyramid where bosses are at top and workers are at bottom. It is thought that Boss shouldnt show weakness. As then workers could see that the Boss isnt somebody to be afraid for and exploit that weakness. For example, your manager could own her mistake, apologize and move on. But she is thought that she shouldnt. As next time you would see her as "weak" and say something to her. Or maybe even ask for raise for a job well done. As now the shift of power has occured and you are not afraid of her.

So now next time she can also call you up, ask why this and that thing isnt done and you checking that out. Without you question her because you know she is a "hardbut" who is "tough" and wont even apologize or admit of making a mistake. You as a worker are suppose to "fall in line", and not question things. As we maybe on paper moved on from the old ways where "The Boss" isnt somebody to be afraid of as he is "your friend" now that you go to beer every Friday. But in a reality, that corporate culture where you are the worker and she is "The Boss" is still real. She gives orders and you execute it.

I am not saying all this to discourage you. You have every right to be annoyed because somebody have gone off on you for something that wasnt up to you. Just saying what you should expect from people like that. And that the apology wouldnt come ever. Sorry.

[greendots]

My guess is that for some people admitting to have made a mistake is equated to being incompetent. Being wrong, especially in a professional setting, can be scary. Then, there are the folks who fully know they treated someone wrongly, but find facing them simply humiliating.

Ergo, why these types of people run the other way, ghost – pretend that nothing happened.

 

[LootieTootie]

I've had bosses do this to me- assuming I did something when I never touched it. They would cc everyone. 

When I was younger, it would hurt my feelings to the point I lose sleep and would be fixated on it all week. Wondering why would my own boss think I was so incompetent or reckless I would do something so uncharacteristic of me. Or do they hate me and I don't know about it?

Luckily, those experiences taught me to grow some thick skin and shrug it off. The last time a boss did that to me (in my previous job) I wrote her back right away and cc everyone like she did, "Unfortunately it wasn't me, because if it was, I would be able to retrieve it from my recycle bin." (She actually gave me stellar reviews after I left the job for a promotion.)

I realized people who do that are people who lack tact and foresight, and should never be put in a position to lead.

Being a boss now, if I don't know, I don't jump on someone and assume they did it. I ask them. I especially don't cc everyone on our team about it.

And if I'm wrong or I made a mistake, I admit it. It's not hard saying "Ops my bad...had a memory lapse (like any normal person)..." or "I made the mistake of...." And I always THANK the person for helping me realize I made a mistake.

IF people have a hard time admitting they made a mistake or may have erred, it's because they're insecure. 

A secure person admits it freely and knows it doesn't make them weaker than the person next to them.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example, your manager could own her mistake, apologize and move on. 

She isn't my manager, she manages a completely different department. She copied my actual manager on the email, though. I presume she expected him to come down on me in some way. But since I proved I didn't make the mistake of course my manager won't. 

[Starlight925]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

The manager of another department sent an email to me demanding to know why I hadn't completed the main portion of a task. This manager copied not only my manager but six other people as well.

The bolded is why this particular person can't, and likely won't, ever apologize.

She not only had to point out what she perceived as your error (we understand that it actually wasn't), but she had to copy SIX other people.  SIX????

She sounds like a workplace bully who is using her position to scold you.  Condescend to you, demean you.  And let SIX other people know it.

Yes, of course people can, and do, apologize.  But not with a person who has a score to settle, someone who has a superiority complex, an arrogance, a need to stand above someone else.  Like this one.

 

[Starlight925]

To add:  I've had some horrible bosses, people who have made me cry, Sundays where I was so depressed I couldn't enjoy the day because Monday was going to be another awful day.

Not to generalize, but they were all females.

I remember one boss who was so horrific that when she called us into her office to let her know she was quitting, I sang in my head "Ding dong, the witch is gone...."  I never even heard her reason.

That boss had a boss over her.  We were once on a business trip, and my boss was pregnant, but having terrible bleeding and pain.  Her boss made her sit in the meetings all morning, wouldn't let her even go to the bathroom.  Turns out, she was having a miscarriage.  Her boss made her come back to work ASAP, as soon as she was done with the doctor.  Another boss (different department), ON 9/11, made everyone snap back to work at 9:30.  TV's off, radios off, stay till 5.  ON SEPTEMBER 11.

These are the people who don't apologize.  The rest of the world, which I do believe is 90% good people (ok maybe 80%, lol)....those are the good ones.  The ones who will not only apologize, but it will be sincere.

[boltnrun]

I'm absolutely no threat to her at all, so I don't know that she necessarily targeted me. I can speculate as to why she went so overboard. I do know there have been some issues with her employees neglecting to check orders they send out to vendors which have resulted in items being built incorrectly. But I have zero to do with ordering. I AM responsible for making sure the latest information is in the system, but not historically. In other words I am not responsible for going back to before I was hired to review everything my predecessors did. If I did I would be doing nothing else as there are thousands of items in the system. 

One thing she could do is reply back to me without copying everyone with an apology. I would appreciate that if she did. But no, I got nothing back, not even a thank you for fixing the issue.

[poorlittlefish]

I hope you clicked "Reply all" so those other six people got to see that you weren't responsible. If you did, then she won't have been happy to look foolish in front of her peers. Anyhow, it's her problem, not yours. I've been in your situation plenty of times over the years and it sucks. Keep those emails if you feel she might be out to get you, in case you need evidence to support a grievance.

[Wiseman2]

It seems in her mind, apologizing would be tantamount to admitting her incompetence. Have you read:

"The Peter principle is a concept in management developed by Laurence J. Peter, which observes that people in a hierarchy tend to rise to "a level of respective incompetence"

[Batya33]

So a generational comment - you and I are similar ages. 

My email etiquette- and this most often happens professionally - is I avoid reply all as a default unless we have to all be in the loop and often I delete certain cc's to make sure it's only going to the people with need to know. 

If it is a mistake I never ever copy people or reply all unless absolutely necessary -like if someone else needs to know that John misfiled X document or they will also be looking for it -and they need to know right at that moment. 

Otherwise I email the person "Hi - i saw you put X in the Y files instead of the Z files -just figured you might want to know if you are looking for it." 

I would never dream of cc'ing the person's boss because of the "mistake" even if it happened a lot -I would leave it to the employee.  And if the boss found out the documents were misfiled and happened to ask me I'd be generic "oh yes I was looking for X document and happened to find it in Y file instead of Z" - I mean what's the point in "tattling??" Or heaven forbid - interfering or getting it horribly wrong (like maybe the boss told employee to file it in Y instead of Z and the employee didn't question it. 

I don't insert myself.  I don't include others in referring to mistakes that humans make.  With rare exception - sure the bottom line matters but also there's a way to do that outside of email -so maybe it's a phone call (I've done that) so nothing is in writing as far as the employee being embarrassed, etc.  I mean I'm not even much of a manager anymore and randomly there are so many ways to go about this in a productive way that does not involve a ridiculous hissy fit.  Hopefully those she copied will see this unprofessional behavior!

[Starlight925]

Yes, never "reply all" lol!

These days, I don't put a recipient into the email at all until I'm finished writing it.  I leave it blank, double check what I wrote, and add the recipient(s).

Even for texts.  I just received a text from a friend, meant only for me, but she accidentally sent it on a group text that we were on.  It's of a personal nature (her life, not mine fortunately lol), but she obviously didn't check.

The difference in @boltnrun's case here is that this woman purposely wrote the email, added 6 names, and then sent.  It wasn't accidental at all.  This woman, to @Wiseman2's point, has likely risen to the level of her incompetence, and now has a level of insecurity that she exhibits via her arrogance and pompousness.  It's the mean girl holding all the lunch spots.

She won't apologize, because an apology admits error.  And she ain't havin' that.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

These days, I don't put a recipient into the email at all until I'm finished writing it.  I leave it blank, double check what I wrote, and add the recipient(s).

Yes.  This is so very smart. Especially if it's a difficult email for work.  Or if you're feeling stressed while writing it. I was in a rush once.  My boss had just given me a compliment.  Verbally. I decided to send my personal friend an email about it because I was happy.  But because I was rushing I accidentally put my boss's name in the recipient line instead of my friend and clicked send.  He actually was amused! Of course it could have been much worse ......(like if he had criticized me, etc -but I knew not to email about that)

I also often don't "forward" -I will cut and paste the info into a new email to the recipient so that the recipient doesn't inadvertently click on the person who emailed me -not because I'm trying to hide something but to avoid mistaken recipients.

I agree that this was no mistake and I disagree with Bolt's brother's perspective on it, especially for that reason.

[boltnrun]

I think her department might have been talked to and she was passing it along to me and the other person who she named on the email (yes, there were two of us!)

I'm glad this happened on Friday so I can have the weekend to just relax.  I'm going to let it go because really, what other option do I have?  I'm not angry anymore.  I'll just keep doing a good job and as long as I do that, no one will have anything to get on me about.

But I still can't understand why some people think apologizing makes them look weak.  Unless they're weak to begin with...

[Starlight925]

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But I still can't understand why some people think apologizing makes them look weak.  Unless they're weak to begin with...

Such a good point.  An apology actually shows strength.  It shows awareness.  It shows willingness to grow.

All things that this woman clearly lacks.