Doctor boyfriend goes entire week without texting me

[MissCanuck]

You can't really forge a relationship with someone you don't see or speak to much, OP. That's the bottom line. 

Whether it is via texts or phone call or something else, I don't know very many people who would be happy if their own boyfriend got in touch just once a week. That's a heck of a lot more distant than many would find sustainable and satisfying. 

 

[mylolita]

OP,

 

I’m in the UK here but, most of my friends are doctors - they work long hours, yes, but my husband who owns his own business works longer hours. They have time, trust me. Time to bang nurses on the night shift!!!!

 

He had time when he was working before to text you - now he suddenly doesn’t? Not even a phone call once a week?! Nothing! And then he expects you to maybe, maybe! meet up with him for one day and one night every other week I take it? And he cancels on you last minute? And this is only 3 months in (which is absolutely no time at all in relationship terms). He should still be on his absolute best behaviour besotted with you! I really don’t believe this is how he would treat someone he wants to hold onto. I think he secretly knows he can get away with this rude silent behaviour, leave your hanging all week with zero communication (not even a call is crazy to me!) and the expect you to be there waiting happily? 

 

A doctor is a respectable, needed, valuable profession. But the doctors I know work shifts, and have days off in a row to counteract the long shifts they just worked, exactly like oil rig workers or pilots. Doctors aren’t the only professionals who work long hours. Don’t let him give you that excuse. 
 

You’re not happy, you need more from him. It’s either he gives you a call or a text or shows he cares in some way or I think you should part ways, and I don’t say this lightly but, his actions spell that he doesn’t value what you need at all. It’s not even a discussion. He’s busy with his work - apparently. But even doctors get breaks and as someone else said, a chance to go to the loo, have a snack. He could easily throw you a text then, like he did in the first few weeks.

 

This sounds like a friends with benefits situation and he has strung you along with the girlfriend label to keep you there for him at the end of every week, I’m sorry to say OP.

 

I think you deserve much better.

 

x

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't really forge a relationship with someone you don't see or speak to much, OP. That's the bottom line. 

Whether it is via texts or phone call or something else, I don't know very many people who would be happy if their own boyfriend got in touch just once a week. That's a heck of a lot more distant than many would find sustainable and satisfying. 

 

I have to say I agree!

 

My husband works away, does a 14 hour day, and still manages to find time most of those days to call me, and always calls me before he goes to sleep. There have been days he hasn’t called or text but he’s called the next day to apologise and explain. I don’t mind because I know he was busy and he normally wants to talk to me. He can’t wait to come home, see the kids, misses us, etc etc! 
 

In my opinion, this isn’t how a gentleman, a decent guy, treats his girlfriend.

 

I don’t buy his excuses, not that he even really gives you one! 

 

x

[eNotAgain]

I actually brought this up to him via text yesterday because yet again he canceled. I said "Ok. Is everything ok? I havent heard from you much. if you just need space I am 100% willing to support you in giving you space but if you genuinely dont want to see me again I need to know so that I'm not in a gray area wondering what's up. Is there someone else? Whenever a guy pulls back its usually because of another girl." I gave him an out right then and there.

He came back with "No there's no one else. Its hard to explain. I am feeling really stuck in this job and I'm in a contract so I cant quit. Everything is really piling up on me and I need to do something different, so I am trying to have some time to myself to decompress. We are still together but I dont want to hurt your feelings. So IDK I just need to get back to being in a happier place.

This doesn't feel like the typical "guy stings girl along", I have to be honest. I can tell he is almost breaking from the pressure of his career. To the point that I hope he doesn't "off" himself. I'm not kidding. He seems extremely stressed out even when we're together. To the point that he self medicates with alcohol and other things. 

Thats why I think this is a special case. Otherwise I would agree with those of you who are saying he's just not that into you. This guy is an introvert who has tons of pressure on his shoulders and seems to be hanging on by a thread.

[boltnrun]

So you're perfectly fine with hardly ever seeing him and only hearing from him once a week? And fine with being cancelled on so he can buy a new car and take it to show his parents? Is that his way of "decompressing", but seeing you is not?

[Andrina]

14 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

He seems extremely stressed out even when we're together. To the point that he self medicates with alcohol and other things

What about this do you enjoy, then? And self-medicating with alcohol is a huge red flag. Why are you sacrificing what you ideally would want for someone you've known for 90 days?

[MissCanuck]

You're making a lot of excuses for him, and twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate whatever his whims are, at the expense of your own happiness. 

In a few months from now, you will see why this is not going to work. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

Thats why I think this is a special case.

We all think that our case is "the special case" and the exception from the rules. But at the end, in 99,9% of cases, it just isnt. Please dont make excuses for him in that way. He can pick up the phone and ask you how you are doing, he is not that busy. He just wont do that.

[mylolita]

OP, this is tough because you care for your boyfriend and want to be with him and he, at this time, seems like he just can't physically and mentally be with you. But yet, he can drive 6 hours to see family, and as others have said, has time to buy a car, and text you previously - suddenly he can't, and with no respect of even an excuse given to you to explain? He seems to only be contacting you when given an ultimatum or pressed by you? You have to ask yourself, is this the relationship you want to be in? Is this what makes you happy? What you deserve? Or is he stringing you along and knows fine well he can do as he pleases and you will be there at the end of the week?

A doctors job can be very stressful, especially in a hospital setting. But it is also no excuse. It really isn't. People can carve a life whilst juggling many things, as long as they prioritise what is important to them. What about paramedics? People who are in the army, away on tours for months on end? Stressful?! Oh my goodness, you bet. They still manage to call home or write to their families. What about people who work in social services, deal with child protection issues? People in the police who see all sorts of road accidents, terrible incidents, put their lives at risk? Fire fighters? 

I hate to use this example again but, I just want to highlight how in this situation, I think your boyfriend is giving you weak, weak excuses to treat you badly/how you don't want to be treat. My husband works longer hours, works away every other week (on the whole) juggles paying peoples salaries, the stress of a failing economy, not knowing what money is coming in when and how, and has to support me and our three young children who are all under 5 and a mortgage and bills. He doesn't say to me, oh, sorry, I'm just going off now for a week because my life and job is so stressful and important? He doesn't crumble and self medicate and basically tell me "that's just the way it is deal with it!"

I'm sorry, that is not how a relationship can work. People struggle through all sorts within relationships. Terminal illnesses, financial ruin, the strains of raising babies and children, work load, all of this and more, but the point is they love each other and they are each others support network and best friend. They need each other. So they help each other. I don't get this feeling from your very new relationship? It feels like he thinks of himself and how important everything he is and how stressful it all is for him and how he can't cope, but doesn't think about you, how you feel, or what you want? 

This is bad boyfriend 101 OP!

If you're okay with a very stand off set up, like a benefits at the end of the week where it's just sex and a quick date then back to no contact, that is absolutely your business - but it doesn't seem like you are. It seems like he is going to carry on and keep playing the "I'm A Doctor" card. 

x

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

 wondering what's up. Is there someone else? Whenever a guy pulls back its usually because of another girl." I gave him an out right then and there.

Sorry you've been cheated on before. However he's buying himself cars, visiting folks and all sorts of other things that don't indicate he's a nervous wreck.

So his profession and other women don't seem to be as much of an issue as that he's much more casual about this and unfortunately you're overinvested. He's seems to be doing the bare minimum to keep you around.

Try to observe that he's pushing you away and simply always too (fill in the blank) busy, stressed,etc. to see you.  He's not making you a priority the way you are.  People make time for what's important to them.

12 weeks dating is a good time to observe if you are happy, if you're compatible and on the same page. Sadly it's devolved into his frequent cancelling, going incommunicado and you accusing him of cheating.  Step back and reflect if this is working for you.

[Starlight925]

Look, I get why you're making excuses for him.  You're crazy about him and you envisioned it working out.  It could definitely work out, if you're willing to be that "doctor widow" wife.

Or, you could realize that the reason you're questioning this now is because you realize this isn't right.  It isn't good, and it isn't going to work for you.  Otherwise, you'd be happy posting all your happy couple pics, gathering likes, and planning your new doctor wife wardrobe.

You are here, asking the questions, because you know in your heart that this will drive you crazy.  It already is.

Don't be like me and stick around for 2+ years ("too busy" executive VP, ooh such a stressful job).  I spent 2+ years on pins & needles, willing the phone to ring.

This isn't about texting vs. calling vs. sending up a smoke signal.

This is about a man who simply compartmentalizes his life so much that he never even mentioned he was looking for a new car, let alone buying one, let alone taking you for the first ride.

Don't you want the guy who will pick you up in his snazzy new car and treat you to the first ride?

I think you do, and that's why you are here.  Questioning, reading, responding.  

[Batya33]

With rare exception I only dated and got involved with extremely busy professionals.  I was one too. It was better that way so I wouldn’t be asked “do you take a dinner break “ during an intense work deadline where dinner was ordered into the office or taking it personally when I had to cancel plans I’d said were tentative because of work.  I dated for years before cell phones and internet.
 My future husband and I had “dates “ where we were in the same room working and communication most often meant phone or sometimes email.  And we made time. And we cut slack for time sensitive deadlines ir getting a call at 4pm on a Friday before a 3 day weekend and having to work all weekend. 
I still knew and my dates knew when I was committed to getting to know the person and or being part of a couple.  I had one guy call me from Germany to the US with no cell phone in 1994 because he was away all week and we’d been dating 4 months. Just to say hi. Another boyfriend would come by my office at 7 pm to spend 45 minutes for me while I took a break to eat take out Chinese food.
I flew all over the country to spend time with my future husband while he was on business trips and in 3 years of dating there was only one time I can remember when he got so busy he couldn’t cal as promised. For a total of 7 hours.  I was worried but he came to meet me that evening as planned. And told me. 

it’s not about busy. Or about people with careers and professions who are working towards professional goals and don’t see it as just s job.  I see many examples of people who go MIA because their priority is a video game or not showing up because they have poor time management skills or overslept or their cousin got tickets to a concert at a popular bar and that’s more enticing than cooking dinner with a partner (or showing off a new car give me a break )

It’s about common sense. People of character and integrity and who want to be involved with another person in a serious or potentially serious relationship show up and are reliable and act in a way that a reasonably secure person - by the time he or she would worry - the phone is ringing or pinging because their partner never wants them to worry about the relationship or their safety etc.  with really rare exception. Like the example I gave. 

[boltnrun]

I find it interesting that he cancels on you citing a need to "decompress".  Shouldn't seeing you BE "decompressing"?  Why does he lump you into the category of things he needs to "decompress" from?

BTW, if you want to see him more accusing him of cheating probably isn't the way to motivate him to do so.

[mylolita]

OP,

 

The fact you suspect cheating and have trust issues with your new boyfriend isn’t too great a foundation for a relationship either. I don’t mean to nit pick just a small observation.

 

x

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

This doesn't feel like the typical "guy stings girl along", 

I guess that's not surprising. It wouldn't work if it felt 'typical.'

[Cherylyn]

On 2/2/2023 at 9:54 PM, MissCanuck said:

I have to strongly disagree with this. 

It is hardly nitpicking when she barely hears from the guy. It's not about the texting in and of itself, but rather the fact that she clearly doesn't feel like she is part of his life. To pretend she is fine with a relationship in which he hardly talks to her or makes any time for her is to dishonour her own needs and desires, which are not unreasonable. Would you be okay with not hearing from your husband for a week? I doubt that. 

There is a difference between being easy-going, and being a doormat in a one-sided relationship. 

Both my husband and my best friends are doctors and have very demanding careers.  I know other professionals both men and women who have very intense careers and they have successful relationships or marriages despite limited cell phone use. 

You can't force change.  Either accept how he is or find a man who is agreeable to your texting habits and schedules.  It's a big world out there and there are other available men. 

[eNotAgain]

Sucks. I texted him at 1 pm today asking him if he still wanted me to come over tonight or if he needed time to relax alone this weekend - because the last plan we made was to see each other on Saturday before we had that talk about him wanting space where he said "IDK I think I just need some space to myself to decompress. We are together but I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings..."

So I just wanted to clarify the plan. He never texted me back. Its now 1:30 AM. He could have said no, but chose apparently to not say anything which is incredibly rude.

My friend thinks he's doing this on purpose to try to get me to break up with him first so that he isn't the bad guy. I really hope thats not what he's doing. Next week is valentines day on his first day off. I won't text him at all anymore & I will wait and see if he even talks to me at all on that day. If not, I guess I've got my answer. 

This whole thing makes me feel like crap. I already got his valentines day gift and it was an expensive watch with his name engraved on it. Now I dont know what to do with it.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/3/2023 at 7:52 PM, eNotAgain said:

He came back with 

No there's no one else. Its hard to explain. I am feeling really stuck in this job and I'm in a contract so I cant quit. Everything is really piling up on me and I need to do something different, so I am trying to have some time to myself to decompress. We are still together but I dont want to hurt your feelings. So IDK I just need to get back to being in a happier place.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this sounds like a breakup talk. 

[eNotAgain]

I'm so confused. He literally said "We are still together." though, so is it a break up or him just needing space?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I'm so confused. He literally said "We are still together." though, so is it a break up or him just needing space?

It seems more like he's tiptoing out of the relationship because he "doesn't want to hurt your feelings". Especially after being accused of cheating, he may feel this is too intense or too much drama.

He's been distancing himself for a while, but you preferred to view that as an occupational problem rather than waning interested.

  Sorry this is confusing unfortunately one way or another, he's distancing himself.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

I'm so confused. He literally said "We are still together." though, so is it a break up or him just needing space?

He is stringing you along. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

He is stringing you along. 

I agree.  Also how long have you been together? I ask because - do you typically purchase an expensive engraved watch at this point in a dating relationship? It's lovely but sounds extravagant and more like what an engaged couple would do.  There seems to be a mismatchof expectations here.  I don't think he is available to date you for whatever reason - and he should be far more direct and thoughtful in his responses.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

My friend thinks he's doing this on purpose to try to get me to break up with him first so that he isn't the bad guy

I think that is exactly what he is doing. 

It is clear that this relationship is not going to work. He isn't really into it, and you are a lot more invested than he is. You are unhappy and feeling hurt. It's time to get it done, and end it formally so you can move on. 

4 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

He literally said "We are still together." though, so is it a break up or him just needing space?

Does it really matter? This situation is making you miserable. This isn't your guy, OP. 

[MissCanuck]

On 1/30/2023 at 3:52 AM, eNotAgain said:

We've been officially together for 2 going on 3 months now

And this is way too early for expensive gifts, I'm afraid. I don't know what you will do with the watch now, but there is no way I would give it to him. Your relationship is essentially over. 

Perhaps a skilled jeweller or watch-maker could suggest something so the watch could be resold or donated. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

And this is way too early for expensive gifts, I'm afraid. I don't know what you will do with the watch now, but there is no way I would give it to him. Your relationship is essentially over. 

Perhaps a skilled jeweller or watch-maker could suggest something so the watch could be resold or donated. 

I agree- have you been trying to win him over?