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Doctor boyfriend goes entire week without texting me


eNotAgain

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I really want to be understanding and supportive of him because he works 12 hour days 7 days a week every other week. Ive never dated someone before who had as stressful and demanding of a job as he has. So trust me when I say I'm not trying to complain here, but I am getting worried that he's losing interest.

At first he was great at texting, texting me back right away and writing sweet paragraphs to me throughout the day even while he was at work. So I know he's capable of doing that. That went on for 2 weeks max when we first started dating. We've been officially together for 2 going on 3 months now. Its still new. However his texts have taken a dramatic dip in frequency.

I said to him wow you're a great texter, that's refreshing! He said fair warning, I usually suck at texting but I'm not usually this interested in someone 🙂 I thought aww thats sweet. Soon after this, about a week later, he would go 24 hours without responding, then he wouldn't text me for 3 days, few weeks of that then turned into this where he's now going 5-7 days without texting or calling.

I am 100% okay with this if he's really that busy or really needs his space. I totally understand that. But when he goes this long it makes me wonder if he's really not talking to any other girls? It just seems like a lot of time to go without texting your significant other, so I'm like ok what is he doing in his leisure time then? Surely he could find a few seconds to just say hi to me? Then again, is that pointless? Would I really feel so much better and suddenly self assured just because he sent me a measly text throughout the week? 

Ive been with cheaters before and they HAVE regularly texted me, if for no other reason than to stop me from suspecting anything. Therefore his actions are confusing to me.

It makes me feel insecure when I dont hear from him for that many days. I am really trying to not let my own insecurity sabotage this connection because I DO want to be with him. But I also wonder if I'm missing the signs of cheating or him losing interest? When we do hang out, its so nice. Everything is fine. Then its back to feeling like I dont have a boyfriend for an entire week. 

On his days off we will see each other 2 times on average during those weeks and our dates are very long, spending the night over and well into the next day/morning. Ive asked him if he doesn't want me to text him during the week, and his answer was just sort of like, I'm not big on texting. It makes me feel like he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore when this should be the time where communication is the most important.

I visited forums specifically for partners of doctors and they all told me this is pretty normal for doctors and that dating a doctor is very lonely for this reason. I also noticed however that he has stopped calling me "babe" in the texts. Maybe the newness just wore off for him faster? In person he seems stressed from work still and I think he is really overwhelmed from that. 

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I'd be less concerned about whether this is typical of doctors and more focused on whether this relationship makes me happy, or not. 

I'm not interested in investing in anyone unless it's to share happiness. If I discovered that I was lured in by attention that didn't just taper to a reasonable level but actually went poof! in a few weeks, then I'd consider that false advertising and not good enough for me.

Someone doesn't need to be a villain in order to be a wrong match. It just makes no sense to become unhappy in order to think of oneself as another's GF. I'd rather be alone with the chance of finding a happy relationship than settle for being lonely inside a relationship that isn't working for me.

Head high, and I hope you'll find happiness.

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2 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

he's now going 5-7 days without texting or calling.

I am 100% okay with this if he's really that busy or really needs his space.

Really? I don't know anyone who would be okay with their partner behaving like that. Don't try to fool yourself into being okay with breadcrumbs. Busy people can still find time to communicate, and you know this because he used to do it himself. He's not that busy that he can't find 30 seconds before or after his shift to let you know you're on his mind. It's not about his job. It's him. 

I think he unforunately has just lost interest in this. And honestly, this would never work for me anyway. You two hardly talk, and you can't have a relationship with a guy who touches in once a week. I would let him go and find someone who is more interested and available. This guy just isn't. 

 

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Everybody wants to marry a doctor. Until they find out that doctors are mostly already married to their work.

OP seems to be a proof of that words. At the start he was trying to keep up and managed. Now, after butterflies are gone, he has gone back to his usual self. Where you are a second fiddle to his work and where he barely remembers you exist. What you see now is what you would be getting going forward. I wouldnt worry about cheating(though from I here those night shifts are a gold mine for that) but his level of just not giving a damn is very alarming. If you want somebody that would actually care for you enough to thinks about you during a day and actually calls you, that man is not that. 

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7 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

At first he was great at texting, texting me back right away and writing sweet paragraphs to me throughout the day even while he was at work.  

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately if he was able to communicate regularly before, it's his choice (not his profession) that he's texting less.

He seems to figure this is on autopilot so he's just coasting along for the sex because he doesn't have to work at trying to maintain a relationship through communication.

Sadly because you're giving him a free pass to do so by rationalizing that his profession prevents him from working at building or maintaining a relationship. 

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Unfortunately he seems to think he has the relationship in the bag, and now thinks things are fine. That would be my guess. Until you discuss this with him, nothing will change, as he doubtfully sees this as a problem.

Depending on where he works there could be justification, if in a large urban area in the US there are up ticks of violence, so maybe he's swamped. Also consider his profession, he is probably getting bombarded with texts and alerts about patients. some people will flee from that in dealing with relationships. I don't want to give him excuses, but I think you just need to discuss this bluntly with him.

At the end of the day you have to make the decision if you want to continue like this.

 

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A lot of people really like saying their partner is a doctor.  But the truth is: dating a doctor can stink.  They are super busy, and their work is a priority.  I think to be happy dating or even marrying a doctor, is to be ok being on your own a lot, even on important days/events. 

Being a doctor is not a job.  It's a life.  Think about how much work and sacrifice it takes to become a doctor.  A doctor has basically been working towards this goal for most of their life. And then to become one-- it doesn't get easier.  They sacrifice a lot of the things other people are not willing to do. 

Of all the doctors I know-- and I know a bunch.  There are only 2 that I can think of that keep any kind of balance with work and family.  And only one with a long-lasting marriage.  And I attribute a lot of that to the spouse.  They are super confident, strong, & was able to independently rear the children, manage the household, including holidays and all the things that happen in life-- funerals, household repairs and projects, major decisions for the whole family. 

So if you're a few months in and feeling neglected, it's probably going to get more so.  As you depend on him more and he provides less.  That's the price of being able to introduce your doctor boyfriend.  You really have to think about what your priority and needs are in a relationship.  

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You ever see the movie "The Devil's Advocate"? One of the attorney's wives said if she wanted to see her husband she made an appointment. The main character's wife said "You're kidding!" And the other wife shook her head. That was what they signed up for when they chose to marry men whose job completely consumed them.

He's settled in and probably figures you are too. That's why he's not making a extra effort to text. Plus he warned you, he is not a texter. Yes, he made effort in the beginning but now that you've agreed to be in a relationship with him he doesn't feel he needs to "woo" you anymore.

This may not be for you. If it's not, you can tell him it's not working out and end it. I'm fairly certain this wouldn't be the first time he's had a woman walk because of his profession. 

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This is a compatibility issue. He doesn't want to fulfill you need for communication when apart. You already asked him, he pretty much told you take it or leave it. So if this is something you need to build intimacy, to feel desired, then you need to find someone who does. 

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We were supposed to see each other tonight but he contacted me earlier in the day saying "Hey sorry can we see each other this weekend instead? I need to drive 3 hours north to get (something done on his new car and show his parents the new car he bought)" I said oh you got a new car? (something he didn't tell me until just then) and I said sure we can do that.

I am honestly getting frustrated and resentment is building. No hey babe? No, I miss you? Just hey.

I just dont know if theres another woman or if this is his M.O. I guess you guys are right when you say it really doesn't matter, what matters is how long I want to put up with it. I dont know what to do though because if I bring his lack of communication up to him when I see him again, isn't it just going to push him away because dont guys see that as just nagging?

I like him enough to stick with him but I know this is going to wear me down eventually. 7 days without a single text is a bit much.

By the way...he told me all his ex gf's cheated on him. I wonder if its because he applied the same communication style to them?

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You can bring up his lack of communication but he already told you he's not a texter. So asking him to "change" doesn't really make much sense.

If how he is doesn't work for you, continuing would just be an exercise in futility. And since you already know how he is will "wear you down", what's the point? Just because you "like him" doesn't make him the right man for you. 

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I wouldn't have the patience for this.

Texts to cancel tonight because he bought a new car that he hadn't told you about, so that he can run it up to show his parents?  ??????  Didn't even mention it to you?  Doesn't want to show it to you first?

You are an option to him.  This is what we call crumbs.

 

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I wouldn't bother bringing up his lack of communication again. 

He's just not that into you, unfortunately. His poor communication is a reflection of that. You can't change that. I would simply tell him it's not working for you, and end this. It's already fizzling out anyway, so there's no sense dragging this out any longer. 

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5 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

Hes not that into me? He's my boyfriend. 

So? He is your boyfriend who barely talks to you. Someone who is really into you won't be able to go an entire week without speaking to you, seeing you or otherwise really keen on getting closer to you. He will naturally be excited to share with you and hear from you. This guy isn't anymore.  His lack of communication is a symptom of his waning interest in you. 

5 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

If he really wasn't into me anymore and lost interest, wouldn't he just say so? 

Not if he enjoys the random fringe benefits of a "relationship" in the meantime, when it suits him. 

This isn't the man you are going to build a life with. It just depends on how long you want to feel ignored, unwanted and unseen until it's finally done. 

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6 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

We were supposed to see each other tonight but he contacted me earlier in the day saying "Hey sorry can we see each other this weekend instead? I need to drive 3 hours north to get (something done on his new car and show his parents the new car he bought)" I said oh you got a new car? (something he didn't tell me until just then) and I said sure we can do that.

So he has enough time to look for a new car (time-consuming) and he has enough time to make a 6-hour round trip to pick up this car, but he doesn't have 30 seconds here and there to message you. This was exactly the point I made in my previous reply and your example illustrates it nicely. You are so far down this guy's list of priorities that you barely even register. Why do you want this for yourself? Just so that others can be impressed at you saying you're dating a doctor? There are other guys who will willingly make time for you. This one is very obviously choosing not to.

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6 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

We were supposed to see each other tonight but he contacted me earlier in the day saying "Hey sorry can we see each other this weekend instead? I need to drive 3 hours north...

Sorry this is happening. Pay close attention to your observations and feelings.  This has nothing to do with his profession. This has to do with he's not as invested as you are and it's frustrating you. At some level you feel like an afterthought because that's how he's treating you.

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8 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I wouldn't have the patience for this.

Texts to cancel tonight because he bought a new car that he hadn't told you about, so that he can run it up to show his parents?  ??????  Didn't even mention it to you?  Doesn't want to show it to you first?

You are an option to him.  This is what we call crumbs.

 

Yes.  This.  I'd be done.  

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16 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

Hes not that into me? He's my boyfriend. Its not like we're casually dating others. If he really wasn't into me anymore and lost interest, wouldn't he just say so? 

Not everyone is like you. Some people enjoy stringing other people along. Your boyfriend sounds like one of these people. "Boyfriend" is clearly just a word to this guy, because he's not behaving like an actual boyfriend.

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Cut him some slack.  He's exhausted even when he's not working.  I agree with others.  Being a doctor is his life and you have to step aside.  Despite cell phones and Internet, to this day, I know some people who prefer to wait to see each other instead of constant, relentless electronic communication.  Or, at best leave voicemails but don't demand nor expect returned calls and messages unless it's a dire emergency. 

I don't even want to be bothered by my phone.  I'm not the one to have my "nose in the phone" as ubiquitous in public. 

Certain professions require full fledged concentration almost 24 / 7.  Be supportive, have your own life and then reconvene in the future. 

My husband has a very intense job.  My sons and I've since learned to get out of his way and stay out of his way.  Granted, it's not as bad as his grad school years but his job still requires a lot of his time, focus and energy.  Men in particular despise nags.  I've learned to be supportive and do what I can to keep him going at his best.  In the meantime, I'm very busy with my career, being a mother and maintaining my household.  I have friends.  I have a life; my own life outside marriage.

I've observed the most successful relationships or marriages have supportive spouses for each others careers instead of nitpicking over lack of cell phone (texting) use and the like.  Be easy going.  Don't be difficult.  Don't create unnecessary drama. 

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4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I've observed the most successful relationships or marriages have supportive spouses for each others careers instead of nitpicking over lack of cell phone (texting) use and the like.  Be easy going.  Don't be difficult.  Don't create unnecessary drama. 

I have to strongly disagree with this. 

It is hardly nitpicking when she barely hears from the guy. It's not about the texting in and of itself, but rather the fact that she clearly doesn't feel like she is part of his life. To pretend she is fine with a relationship in which he hardly talks to her or makes any time for her is to dishonour her own needs and desires, which are not unreasonable. Would you be okay with not hearing from your husband for a week? I doubt that. 

There is a difference between being easy-going, and being a doormat in a one-sided relationship. 

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He has clearly stated he is "not a texter". If you need a man who texts you daily this is not the man. 

I'm not a texter and I was very much "into" my ex. I just won't text inane things and I think "how are you?" or "how's your day going?" texts are pointless and time wasters. I realize in this day of phone "importance" I am in the minority. But if you really need a man who texts I would conclude you two are incompatible. 

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Ninety days in, so you don't love him. At this point, it's infatuation. Why subject yourself to this irritation, being ignored, and not enjoying a partner who matches the amount of communication and get-togethers you desire?

Because of hormones released in a woman when she has sex, it makes her want to bond to a man, even if he's totally wrong for her. This is likely the case with you.

He's not the only candidate for dating in your area. In your shoes, and I've actually been in them with past dating partners who failed my expectations in one way or another, I'd free myself to find someone who matches me in every major way. You'll know this when you're satisfied more than being upset.

When you don't feel like a priority, you're not.

And no, I wouldn't speak to him about this. You're seeing the real person emerge after the honeymoon period, and he's no prize partner. Good luck. You deserve better. I know I held out, with many mistakes in between, and was finally rewarded. 

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