Friend left me in car waiting for 30 min

[Superstickyone]

Twice now when I have gone to pick up my friend....she has left me in the car with no word.  I text her right away both times to say "heh I'm outside your place waiting".  No response at all.  I wait... wait 15 min  20 min and then 30 min.  She emerges from her house.  She got into my car and said absolutely nothing about why she took so long and no sorry for the wait.  She got on and said "OK let's go to the meeting".  I was flabbergasted at her indifference and insensitivity.  If I was going to take awhile getting ready I would send a quick text to say I will be awhile.  

What kind of a friend does this and why?

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter why or what kind of person does this. It's not ok with you. So tell her if there is a next time - "I will be at your house at ___ I will text you when I arrive. If you're not there within 10 minutes I'm leaving.  If you text me please let me know how long you will be delayed and also why -I'd appreciate if you're on time unless it's an emergency -thanks!"

[DarkCh0c0]

How old are you two?

You need to communicate that her behaviour is unacceptable and that next time you won't wait longer than 10 minutes. The fact you say nothing to her shows her that you're okay with it, so you need to have that conversation and talk about it. She's no mind reader and so aren't you.

[Andrina]

If communication doesn't resolve things, and she's important enough for you to still want her in your life, you can put up boundaries and avoid those situations altogether. Some people are chronically late, and nobody or any discussions will change that. My grown stepdaughter is like that, so we will never arrange to meet her at a restaurant again. A former friend once made us twenty minutes late for an Elton John concert, and so whatever plans I made with her in the future would never include another concert.

If she won't change, you will have to. If she gets annoyed over your boundaries, oh well. She has annoyed you with her lack of manners and respecting your time and favor, so you're even.

[HeartGoesOn]

41 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

What kind of a friend does this and why?

Because she can, and it works.  Keep in mind that we teach people how to treat us.

Give her a time limit and say what you mean, and mean what you say.

 

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

What kind of a friend does this and why?

The answer is simple: A woman friend.

[Superstickyone]

Thanks for the feedback.  We are the same age.  Good advice.  I will have a conversation with her on the weekend.  It amazes me though that someone would not even acknowledge you are there waiting for them.  Not everyone is like me obviously.  I would always text back to say I'm running late, do you mind waiting.

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Twice now when I have gone to pick up my friend....she has left me in the car with no word.  I text her right away both times to say "heh I'm outside your place waiting".  No response at all.  I wait... wait 15 min  20 min and then 30 min.  She emerges from her house.  She got into my car and said absolutely nothing about why she took so long and no sorry for the wait.  She got on and said "OK let's go to the meeting".  I was flabbergasted at her indifference and insensitivity.  If I was going to take awhile getting ready I would send a quick text to say I will be awhile.  

What kind of a friend does this and why?

She's very rude. 

For the next several times, ask your friend to pick you up.  Make her wait 30 minutes.  Don't text her.  Make her wait and wait.  Then emerge from your house, get into her car, don't say anything and say, "OK, let's go."  Give her a taste of her medicine.  Or, if you agree to meet somewhere for coffee or lunch or whatever, make her wait 30 minutes, don't text, don't mention your tardiness and proceed with your time with her as if nothing happened.  She'll finally understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of inconsideration and rudeness. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Superstickyone said:

Thanks for the feedback.  We are the same age.  Good advice.  I will have a conversation with her on the weekend.  It amazes me though that someone would not even acknowledge you are there waiting for them.  Not everyone is like me obviously.  I would always text back to say I'm running late, do you mind waiting.

Right.  And living life like that will just give you a giant headache.  I'm sure you've had breaches of manners/etiquette in your life too but all that matters is stick to your standards and leave the analysis of "who would do such a thing" to the professionals.  

I like Andrina's advice about boundaries.  I too have been almost late for concerts, the theater. movies because of people who are selfishly late.  I learned to stop making one on one plans -even with "apologies" if it keeps happening the apologies are worthless to me.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

She's very rude. 

For the next several times, ask your friend to pick you up.  Make her wait 30 minutes.  Don't text her.  Make her wait and wait.  Then emerge from your house, get into her car, don't say anything and say, "OK, let's go."  Give her a taste of her medicine.  Or, if you agree to meet somewhere for coffee or lunch or whatever, make her wait 30 minutes, don't text, don't mention your tardiness and proceed with your time with her as if nothing happened.  She'll finally understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of inconsideration and rudeness. 

I dated a man for a couple of months who was always really late with no apologies picking me up (pre cell phone).  One time he was 45 minutes late.  I came downstairs 20-30 minutes later and he asked me what took me so long. I said "you were so late I had to redo my makeup"

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Twice now when I have gone to pick up my friend....

Is it possible to meet wherever you are going so if she's late it won't affect you? 

[Superstickyone]

I brought up the issue with her today and surprisingly she evaded responsibility.  Her phone was not near her & she didn't hear my text.  Really?  Im sure you can hear that dingle sound from downstairs! Well how did you know I was even outside then?  Her reply:  oh I peeked out the window and saw you sitting there.  I was busy dressing was her reason.  No apology after I said I didn't like waiting for 30 minutes for the 2nd time.

Frankly I don't think she cares.  I told her she can arrange her own rides to this meeting we attend twice per week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

I brought up the issue with her today and surprisingly she evaded responsibility.  Her phone was not near her & she didn't hear my text.  Really?  Im sure you can hear that dingle sound from downstairs! Well how did you know I was even outside then?  Her reply:  oh I peeked out the window and saw you sitting there.  I was busy dressing was her reason.  No apology after I said I didn't like waiting for 30 minutes for the 2nd time.

Frankly I don't think she cares.  I told her she can arrange her own rides to this meeting we attend twice per week.

 

 

Perfect.  Obviously before cell phones people who wanted to be on time were on time  I remember many times waiting outside in all weather for a ride so as not to risk being late.  I'm glad you told her you're done being treated this way.  Good for you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Starlight925]

11 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Frankly I don't think she cares.  I told her she can arrange her own rides to this meeting we attend twice per week.

She doesn't care.  People who are habitually late simply don't care that they are late, and they will only blame you for not waiting on them.

I don't know what it is, and why some people are like this.  I've dated "habitual late" guys before, and I can tell you, they simply don't care.  True for friends as well.  I've stopped making plans with friends who are like this.

You did the right thing in telling her to arrange her own rides.  

This is infuriating, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it, but it sounds like you handled it well.

[Jibralta]

On 1/6/2023 at 3:50 PM, Superstickyone said:

Twice now when I have gone to pick up my friend....she has left me in the car with no word.  I text her right away both times to say "heh I'm outside your place waiting".  No response at all.  I wait... wait 15 min  20 min and then 30 min.  She emerges from her house.  She got into my car and said absolutely nothing about why she took so long and no sorry for the wait.  She got on and said "OK let's go to the meeting".  I was flabbergasted at her indifference and insensitivity.  If I was going to take awhile getting ready I would send a quick text to say I will be awhile.  

What kind of a friend does this and why?

I would have left her there the first time, no joke. I'd probably wait 15 minutes max, then send her a text that says "not waiting any longer" as I drove away. And I wouldn't go back there to pick her up if she suddenly found her phone. Leave her to figure that out if she wants.

[Superstickyone]

Jibralta.  Great idea!  Even then, she likely wouldn't care.  Someone who actually cares would acknowledge your text to begin with and ask if it's OK that I wait.  

In hindsight wish I had brought up the issue first time it happened 😕.   All solved now.  Next time, I will speak up immediately.  I won't feel bad about doing so.  

 

 

[poorlittlefish]

You shouldn't even need to text to say you've arrived. She should be ready and waiting by the window when you pull up. 

She clearly has no appreciation or gratitude, so making her take responsibility for her own travel arrangements is going to be a big wake up call for her - one she deserves after taking your kindness for granted. 

[jul-els]

She’s rude. Stop making your driving services available to her. She can find a ride elsewhere. Maintain your boundaries. 

[goddess]

14 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

You shouldn't even need to text to say you've arrived. She should be ready and waiting by the window when you pull up. 

She clearly has no appreciation or gratitude, so making her take responsibility for her own travel arrangements is going to be a big wake up call for her - one she deserves after taking your kindness for granted. 

I couldn't agree more.  She is rude, self-absorbed and disrespectful.  Clearly, NO introspection skills whatsoever.  As Starlight mentioned "You did the right thing in telling her to arrange her own rides." 

Don't feel bad telling her this, ever.  She brought it on herself with her thoughtless behaviour.   

[Sihana]

You need to speak of for yourself, if your friend is egocentric she probably didn't even notice that you were upset.

By the time you texted her, a lot went on in your mind and by adressing the issue sooner it probably wouldn´t end up so badly.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, Sihana said:

You need to speak of for yourself, if your friend is egocentric she probably didn't even notice that you were upset.

By the time you texted her, a lot went on in your mind and by adressing the issue sooner it probably wouldn´t end up so badly.

The OP is the victim.  Being egocentric never excuses rudeness and the OP shouldn't have to spell out basic manners to her "friend"  - I like that she handled it by telling her she's done with offering her rides.

[Sihana]

Just now, Batya33 said:

The OP is the victim.  Being egocentric never excuses rudeness and the OP shouldn't have to spell out basic manners to her "friend"  - I like that she handled it by telling her she's done with offering her rides.

I'm just saying that she probably would have gotten an apology or could have gotten her friend out of her car instead of taking her to the mentioned meeting.

I'm all for expedited solutions.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sihana said:

I'm just saying that she probably would have gotten an apology or could have gotten her friend out of her car instead of taking her to the mentioned meeting.

I'm all for expedited solutions.

So yes but I think it would have been more confrontational because then the friend would have missed the meeting.

[Sihana]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So yes but I think it would have been more confrontational because then the friend would have missed the meeting.

Serves her right, that what she gets for being rude and not being able to apologize.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Sihana said:

Serves her right, that what she gets for being rude and not being able to apologize.

Yes that is one way to look at it and the other way is to consider the downsides of that result since they also have mutual friends. Sometimes it's better to be close than right.