Sudden break up because he was feeling suffocated

[Ronnie90]

I (26M) was dating a guy (27M) I met on Tinder for just under 2 months. Started in mid October.

Things went great, we agreed exclusive dating after date 4, spent 2/3 nights a week together, met each others friends, made Christmas plans, met his parents and 1,5 week before BU we booked a trip to Paris after Christmas.

He told me he really liked me and was excited for the future.

Untill 3 weeks ago. He stood at my doorstep and told me he wants to break up because he feels suffocated and not ready for a new relationship (he broke up with his ex after 3 years in June). I asked him if it will help to slow things down a bit. He asked 3 days to think about it but stood by his decision eventually. We are in NC now.

I am so hurt and can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone had a same experience? What happened?

TL;DR: met someone on Tinder. Things went great. Exclusive dating. Suddenly BU because felt suffocated and not ready.

[Andrina]

Well, yeah, 4 months is not enough time after a divorce to begin dating. You were the rebound. People usually need a breather instead of jumping from one ending serious relationship and into another relationship that is bound for seriousness.

I know that my husband took a whole 2 and a half years after his previous marriage ended before he ventured into the dating world again. At that point, he was fully, emotionally ready.

My only advice is to guard your heart a bit at the beginning. A lot of relationships end before it gets out of the honeymoon period of 3 or 4 months. If you get beyond that period, you get to take your rose-colored glasses off and to start seeing the real, 3 dimensional person emerge. And then if things are still going well, you can pour more of your heart into something that might have a chance of going longterm.

NC is the best thing for you so you can have closure and emotionally move on. Regardless of this breakup, I hope you're able to create some joy for the holidays. Take care.

[Kwothe28]

Yes, that is why you slow down until you know each other better. Exclusivity OK, but meeting parents and trip to Paris after 2 months together? That screams that either you or him wanted to "speedrun" the relationship. And that is almost never a good thing and is a red flag by itself. 

Sorry you got hurt. NC is a good thing you did and you should be able to move away sooner rather then later.

[Ronnie90]

55 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, yeah, 4 months is not enough time after a divorce to begin dating. You were the rebound. People usually need a breather instead of jumping from one ending serious relationship and into another relationship that is bound for seriousness.

I know that my husband took a whole 2 and a half years after his previous marriage ended before he ventured into the dating world again. At that point, he was fully, emotionally ready.

My only advice is to guard your heart a bit at the beginning. A lot of relationships end before it gets out of the honeymoon period of 3 or 4 months. If you get beyond that period, you get to take your rose-colored glasses off and to start seeing the real, 3 dimensional person emerge. And then if things are still going well, you can pour more of your heart into something that might have a chance of going longterm.

NC is the best thing for you so you can have closure and emotionally move on. Regardless of this breakup, I hope you're able to create some joy for the holidays. Take care.

I get this feeling indeed more and more of a rebound. 

And how bad it hurts right now; you're advice is indeed the lesson I'm taking with me for future dating. I felt really hard for this guy in a short amount of time...

[Ronnie90]

34 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes, that is why you slow down until you know each other better. Exclusivity OK, but meeting parents and trip to Paris after 2 months together? That screams that either you or him wanted to "speedrun" the relationship. And that is almost never a good thing and is a red flag by itself. 

Sorry you got hurt. NC is a good thing you did and you should be able to move away sooner rather then later.

I hear what you say and we both spoke during our dates that we are going really fast but we agreed "as long as it feels good why should we slow down.". So think there is no party to blame here and that we both 'speedrun' it.... 

And next time indeed, I will take it slower. Lesson learned...

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Ronnie90 said:

I (26M) was dating a guy (27M) I met on Tinder for just under 2 months. Started in mid October.

Things went great, we agreed exclusive dating after date 4, spent 2/3 nights a week together, met each others friends, made Christmas plans, met his parents and 1,5 week before BU we booked a trip to Paris after Christmas.

He told me he really liked me and was excited for the future.

Untill 3 weeks ago. He stood at my doorstep and told me he wants to break up because he feels suffocated and not ready for a new relationship (he broke up with his ex after 3 years in June). I asked him if it will help to slow things down a bit. He asked 3 days to think about it but stood by his decision eventually. We are in NC now.

I am so hurt and can’t stop thinking about it. Anyone had a same experience? What happened?

Yes. I was 32, he was 27. He'd broken up with his ex of five years about six months prior to us starting to talk. We hit it off awesomely. Exclusive immediately--our first "meet" turned into two meals and spending the day together. He deleted his dating profiles that night, drove two hours to bring me a CD on my birthday (album title: I and Love and You). We spoke on the phone for hours and hours each day. He tried to introduce me to his parents almost immediately, and the only reason he didn't was because they weren't home when he drove us to their house! He did manage to introduce me to his friends. 

And then... it fell apart. I had no idea why. But I had to admit even then that there were signs that things weren't totally right. I think part of it was that he was rebounding--he wanted to be over his break up more than he was--he talked about being over her quite a bit. He made comparisons between her and me that were flattering to me... but let's face it: If he was over his ex, there would be no discussion about it at all. I also think he may have been struggling with his sexuality. Our physical relationship kind of sucked, even though he called me a "betty" and supposedly found me attractive. He barely touched me. We were hardly more than friends. It was quite frustrating because I found him very attractive!

The major lessons that I learned from that experience are:

1. Watch out for rebounds (which is easy, once you get it)
2. Watch out for the first 60 - 90 days of any romance. Hormones are high during that time, and you are not thinking straight!

[smackie9]

Everyone is different..sometimes everything works out and sometimes it don't, it's a crap shoot. He thought it was a good thing at the moment and didn't have the intention of dumping you or wanting to hurt you...feelings just change or the ex came a calling and put his emotions into a tailspin, who knows.

So sorry this happened, I hope spending time with family this holiday season can give you some peace.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Everyone is different..sometimes everything works out and sometimes it don't, it's a crap shoot. He thought it was a good thing at the moment and didn't have the intention of dumping you or wanting to hurt you...feelings just change or the ex came a calling and put his emotions into a tailspin, who knows.

So sorry this happened, I hope spending time with family this holiday season can give you some peace.

Yes- it is often a crap shoot.  Yes I had similar experiences and if I remember there even was a trip planned for Paris (I think that was at two months of dating for two months in the future -Valentines Day? Also I am not surprised he didn't agree to just slow down -his suffocated feeling likely was his not controlling his own pace and then realizing he wanted to keep his options open -so NC is the best way to go so you don't need to see him dating others.

I'm really sorry!!

[Jaunty]

Next time, DO slow down without even talking about it with the person you are dating.  In such early days, you don't need to agree together to slow down.  Just pace YOURSELF. 

There is "reasonable" pace and what you described is not reasonable for under 2 months of dating.   You had so much progression and could not have had time to get to know each other or have "breathing room" between times together to reflect on things.

And of course the rebound issue ... listen to the others and do not put very many eggs in a "rebound" basket in the future.  It's pretty unlikely to work out. 

I'm sorry you're feeling badly.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Ronnie90 said:

...exclusive dating after date 4, spent 2/3 nights a week together, met each others friends, made Christmas plans, met his parents and 1,5 week before BU we booked a trip to Paris after Christmas.

Ewww, yeah, this does sound like a runaway train without any brakes. It crashed.

Exclusivity isn't really an issue. Lots of people prefer one-at-a-time dating. But this became a pile-on, and you probably even found it overwhelming yourself.

Rebounding is really thing. A rebounder can't be relied upon to identify it in themselves, so we each need to self-protect based on a calendar, not emotions.

It's not always about being over an ex, it's about being sufficiently 'uncoupled'. Those who haven't taken the time to adjust to single life remain in 'relationship mode,' where they view the world through a habitual pattern of being part of a couple. Then they project their private couple habits and mindset onto the next person, and this feels natural for them. Until it doesn't.

So perfectly fabulous new partners hear the speech about how fabulous they are, and that's not a lie. "But I really should have taken the time to settle alone and find myself..." That's also not a lie.

While some people believe that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, this conflates two different things: healing from immediate pain is different than learning how to normalize solo.

Going forward, screen out people who haven't been broken up long enough to have developed their own solo lifestyle, where their judgment is more stable.

You don't need to lose future potential of dating them down the road, you can 'reserve' that option. "I've so enjoyed meeting you, and I can see the two of us dating in a few months, if you're still interested."

If he doesn't pick up immediately what you're saying and why, "I've learned the hard way not to attach with anyone too soon after a breakup. Maybe you'll consider researching the term 'rebounding' to better understand why."

Either he'll own the maturity to understand where you stand, or he's not your guy. And your goal is to find YOUR guy--not another crash'n-burn, right?

Head high, you're in good company. Most of us have been here. Write more if it helps.

 

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

... have "breathing room" between times together to reflect on things.

Yes! This is so important. Have you ever had a total blast with someone or a group, so you continued on and on until you ran it into daylight, or maybe even a couple days?

Sure, it was fabulous, but chances are, you'll need a break from these people afterward. A loooong break.

I think of 'too much' as rubbing one another raw. Fun while it's happening, but not so much after that.

It's not against the law to go there, and nobody is 'wrong,' it's just that there are consequences. And sometimes those are a not-so-great feeling about a person you've OD'd on.

[Ronnie90]

44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

 

Going forward, screen out people who haven't been broken up long enough to have developed their own solo lifestyle, where their judgment is more stable.

You don't need to lose future potential of dating them down the road, you can 'reserve' that option. "I've so enjoyed meeting you, and I can see the two of us dating in a few months, if you're still interested."

If he doesn't pick up immediately what you're saying and why, "I've learned the hard way not to attach with anyone too soon after a breakup. Maybe you'll consider researching the term 'rebounding' to better understand why."

Either he'll own the maturity to understand where you stand, or he's not your guy. And your goal is to find YOUR guy--not another crash'n-burn, right?

Head high, you're in good company. Most of us have been here. Write more if it helps.

 

Thanks catfeeder. 

This is a good advice. It hurts a lot now but next time I will handle somebody with a recent break up with more cautiousness to avoid this in the future. 

[Ronnie90]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes. I was 32, he was 27. He'd broken up with his ex of five years about six months prior to us starting to talk. We hit it off awesomely. Exclusive immediately--our first "meet" turned into two meals and spending the day together. He deleted his dating profiles that night, drove two hours to bring me a CD on my birthday (album title: I and Love and You). We spoke on the phone for hours and hours each day. He tried to introduce me to his parents almost immediately, and the only reason he didn't was because they weren't home when he drove us to their house! He did manage to introduce me to his friends. 

And then... it fell apart. I had no idea why. But I had to admit even then that there were signs that things weren't totally right. I think part of it was that he was rebounding--he wanted to be over his break up more than he was--he talked about being over her quite a bit. He made comparisons between her and me that were flattering to me... but let's face it: If he was over his ex, there would be no discussion about it at all. I also think he may have been struggling with his sexuality. Our physical relationship kind of sucked, even though he called me a "betty" and supposedly found me attractive. He barely touched me. We were hardly more than friends. It was quite frustrating because I found him very attractive!

The major lessons that I learned from that experience are:

1. Watch out for rebounds (which is easy, once you get it)
2. Watch out for the first 60 - 90 days of any romance. Hormones are high during that time, and you are not thinking straight!

Sounds a little bit the same although the affection part was not a problem in my case. We didn't have sex every time we saw each other (which I see as a good thing) put there was a lot of touching and physical stuff. 

Now, some years later; did you see why it felt apart? Or is it still guessing for you? 

[Starlight925]

Has happened to me, twice actually.  Both after a year or more together, both after starting off super strong, exclusive quickly, telling me how much better I was than their ex, etc.

Both times, they found someone else quickly after me, and both times, they are still married to that person.

Both times, we got along great, never fought, had great physical affection.

Both times, I was completely heartbroken and lost afterward.

There are all these "rules" about not dating someone too soon after their other breakup, but in both cases, they found someone right after me, so how is that true?  

I think, as others have said, so much of it is a crapshoot.  Just a very lucky roll of the dice as to the timing of when two people find each other.

In both cases, now that there is time between myself and those relationships, I realize that neither one would have worked.  I realize that, in both cases, I was bending myself like a pretzel to be that "great gal" for these guys.  Coincidentally, both were really into boats & water life, so I got into it.  Turns out, it's not my thing.  I got into listening to their music, putting mine aside.  Their types of movies, putting mine aside.  One was an enormous Star Wars guy (slept out for tickets, seen it 100+ times, etc.).  I spent one very long weekend watching The Trilogy, trying as hard as I could to pay attention, just to be able to discuss it with him.  But anything I was into?  I did those things alone.

My point is, at some point, you'll realize that this was not your relationship.  This was not the one for you, and you'll see that this was not the love of your life that you thought it was.

I wandered around my house crying and crying in my pj's and slippers.  I get the hurt, I promise.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

This was absolutely a rebound. 

Im sorry, OP. It’s best not to dive I head-first, and especially not with people who are freshly single. 

[Jibralta]

55 minutes ago, Ronnie90 said:

Now, some years later; did you see why it felt apart? Or is it still guessing for you?

I don't think it was ever really "together" to begin with. It was a two-month whirlwind.

Sure, it felt like it was "together." We said, like you did, who cares if it's fast when it feels right?

Well, I tried that a couple more times: who cares if it's fast when it feels right? 

I learned that's the magic of hormones. That brief "fluff" time, when everything seems perfect.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

Both times, I was completely heartbroken and lost afterward.

There are all these "rules" about not dating someone too soon after their other breakup, but in both cases, they found someone right after me, so how is that true?  

...In both cases, now ... I realize that neither one would have worked.

Your whole post is so well shared, SL, and thank you.

Your insights based on hindsight are really important. The stuff we can see once we've grown beyond the chemical cocktail dumps of our experiences are priceless. The first one floods the system and alters the brain during the excitement of 'winning' new love, and then, there's another flood if we tap-dance, even to our own detriment, to hold onto that love, followed by painful grief chemicals that feel like poison after losing that love.

All of these altered states speak to the value of stabilizing into a far less fueled perspective--where we can finally 'see' what was actually realistic--and what was not.

All of this speaks to the crapshoot of messing with someone who has not yet stabilized, himself or herself, after a breakup. It's not that there's some magic formula for predicting whether 'it' can 'work,' or not. But consider your latest realization about what 'working' actually means--and how that could never even have happened for you with these boat guys, anyway.

So it isn't about 'rules' when dealing with rebounders, it's about a private choice to distance ourselves from lousy judgment. The rebounder is operating on lots of those chemicals--whatever flood may have fueled the breakup along with those resulting from the breakup. That's why 'stabilizing' is important, because with THAT comes better judgment.

This doesn't mean that a rebounder can't roll the dice and land in a marriage, which might turn out to be happy OR miserable--but if they're too ashamed of their losing streak, they may not be willing to break up yet another public marriage...who knows?

The point is about us, not them. It's to look out for our own best interests, because nobody else will do that for us. So allowing someone else's lousy judgment to replace our own makes about as much sense as ending up tethered to one of your boat guys and THEN learning that you're not even happy because you got what you thought you wanted.

Is there a risk to screening out a perfectly good guy because his breakup happened too recently? Sure, but at least we have some ability to influence that risk by opting for some delay rather than a complete shutdown. If the rebounder likes you enough, he may be willing to learn more about your position on this and understand it, and he may even respect you more for your boundary.

On the other extreme, he may just be out for himself and immediate gratification, in which case, is that really someone you'd want to bond with, anyway?

Thanks for a great discussion, regardless of whether we might agree on this one thing or not. I hope you'll find your RIGHT guy soon.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Ronnie90 said:

. Suddenly BU because felt suffocated and not ready.

Sorry this happened. It has nothing to do with you and unfortunately seems more like a rebound situation or on/off with the ex. 

[reinventmyself]

I go by my own timeline and in my experience, I figure I don't even really know the person I am dating for the first 6 months.  Or vice versa.  Not to say I wait 6 months to date someone exclusively, but experience has taught me to really take my time.

You covered a lot in a matter of just few weeks.  It would take most months to reach where the point where you two were.  It probably shouldn't come as a surprise when someone back peddles from something going that fast.

Next time slow your roll.  Know that you are worth the time and effort that it takes to really get to know you.

[Ronnie90]

On 12/24/2022 at 11:46 PM, reinventmyself said:

I go by my own timeline and in my experience, I figure I don't even really know the person I am dating for the first 6 months.  Or vice versa.  Not to say I wait 6 months to date someone exclusively, but experience has taught me to really take my time.

You covered a lot in a matter of just few weeks.  It would take most months to reach where the point where you two were.  It probably shouldn't come as a surprise when someone back peddles from something going that fast.

Next time slow your roll.  Know that you are worth the time and effort that it takes to really get to know you.

Thanks for this. I'm not that experienced with dating yet so I take this as a learning with me. 

[Ronnie90]

UPDATE

 

He suddenly started liking my social post again after NC. I know this is very little effort but it triggered me.

I reached out to ask for a meet up and a drink and he agreed (he turned it down mid december) although his texting is very slow (like sometimes 10+ hrs to reply).

I know I have to carefull but wanted to give an update here.

[MissCanuck]

Cancel this meet-up and drink. 

Any move toward reconciliation needs to come from him, without any prompting from you. Otherwise you will have no idea if he's agreeing to meet just to be friendly or if there is a genuine interest in reconnecting. 

He sounds very lukewarm so I would not hold you breath, I'm afraid. 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Ronnie90 said:

UPDATE

 

He suddenly started liking my social post again after NC. I know this is very little effort but it triggered me.

I reached out to ask for a meet up and a drink and he agreed (he turned it down mid december) although his texting is very slow (like sometimes 10+ hrs to reply).

I know I have to careful but wanted to give an update here.

I wouldn't reach out to him and it doesn't sound like he's nothing more than a "likes" social media friend IMHO. 

"Feeling suffocated" was his way of telling you that he wants his freedom.  He doesn't want to be with you.  He wants to come and go as he pleases without a girlfriend nor a relationship. 

I wouldn't take him seriously.  He's merely just a texting buddy if that's what you want, that is. 

If I were you, I would've written him off. 

 

[Batya33]

I would completely disregard anything other than him calling you on the phone and stating that he wants to get together to talk about getting back together.  I was engaged twice to my now husband -first engagement was 11 years and 4 months before the second.  I wanted to get back together a month after I ended it and we met for dinner and he said no because it would be so romantic -to start-then we'd have the same issues.  But almost 8 years after that it was the right time. 

And when it was the right time I read into NOTHING - yes I secretly hoped as we met twice platonically (his idea if it matters) and spoke of nothing about "us" -nothing at all.  I only focused on when after our 3rd platonic meet up he said "do you want to get back together."  Nothing to read into.  Clear as day. Oh and he'd recently ended a one year serious relationship.  I never considered I was a rebound I guess because we'd been engaged in the past and knew each other well.  They'd probably been broken up about a month.

The only downside was she contacted him a few months later that she missed him and regretted ending things - he told me about the contact, told me he told her no and told me it was because he loved me.  They worked together and were colleagues so they stayed in touch professionally and stayed on cordial terms.  She backed off and I trusted him and in 17 years nothing ever happened to affect that trust even when he met her for dinner once many years ago when he was then in her city (they stopped working together within a year of us getting back together ).  He asked my permission for the dinner and I said yes and it was a good decision.  

I'd been out of my serious relationship for 5 months and 4 months after the breakup had an epiphany as to why it didn't work (this was prior to reconnecting with my future husband -nothing to do with him). 

The two minute conversation after I said yes 30-60 seconds later was about our goals and logistics.  Two-three minutes.  Because that's all it takes with very rare exception when two people want to be together.  And we had to talk about:  confirming that we both wanted marriage and family, would I be willing to relocate for his career, and how we'd manage long distance at that point.  Huge stuff. 

Honestly didn't feel huge because the trust and connection was there big time.  Was it huge? Yes exceedingly so - rocked my world and his but we did it together over the years.  Please don't settle for reading tea leaves and signs.  

[Starlight925]

How is he still seeing your social media posts?  Are you still social media friends, still follow each other?  Why??????