My boyfriend messages his ex all the time

[joinlondon]

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we're planning on moving in together next year. I was very happy and thought I'd found someone who I could finally trust after years or being with dishonest guys. So over the past month or so I have discovered by accident (by seeing her name on his phone all the time)that he chats to his ex very often. His messages are locked. The other day when I heard his phone ringing and was going to answer it, I saw a text preview from his ex that said, yes, she would like him to help her with money. This made me feel crap! He's doing this behind my back. They have no kids together (they were married 10 years) he doesn't know I know....not sure what to think or how to handle it. Any advise would be appreciated 

[DarkCh0c0]

Bring it up and see his reaction.

I would out personally leave because they have NO reasons to stay in touch (even if he tries to convince you otherwise). He's not over her and still has feelings for her. Hell, he's willing to help her with money! You're here just filling the partner void he has. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, a red flag. At the very least he still has some relations with his ex. Imagine living with the guy like that. And he spends your house budget by borrowing money to his ex wife. Its not really something that anyone should go through. Hence why its a red flag to have those kind of contacts with an ex. Because if they are so tight that he can borrow her money, who knows what kind of relationship they cultivate. 

Also, he blatantly hides that from you for a reason. Think about why he would need to hide that from his girlfriend that he plans to move together.

Just cut the losses now. Before you find out the true nature of that relationship.

[MissCanuck]

I would not stay with someone who is still that close to an ex. There is unfinished business there and no explanation would be satisfactory. 

It would simply tell me he is not the right man for me. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, joinlondon said:

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. He's doing this behind my back. they were married 10 years

Sorry this is happening. 28 weeks dating is a good time to evaluate the relationship.

What you know so far is he's still quite involved with the ex-wife. 

Reconsider the relationship and do not move in and play house with someone who has secrets and who's mind emotions and finances are invested elsewhere.

[Batya33]

So the common denominator is you  -is there a certain type of guy you go for who is let's say very handsome and outwardly charming and seems very "strong" and masculine -sweeps you off your feet so you're considering sharing living space this soon? Why would you be sharing space with him -what is the purpose of living together? Can you afford to live on your own? Is he financially well off? How long has his divorce been final? 

I'm sorry you found texts that upset and concerned you.

[Lambert]

The only way to stop being with dishonest guys is to stop being with dishonest guys. 

When someone is dishonest with you, you pull completely away. They crossed the line...

People know what they do.  They hide things because they know they are wrong. 

Kick him to the curb. It hurts, it sucks and I'm sorry.

A liar, a dishonest person us not magically going to start respecting you and the relationship. So you have to be smart and take care of yourself. 

[boltnrun]

Are you capable of pretending you didn't see what you saw and pretending everything is fine? Will you be able to keep your stomach from being tied up in knots and your anxiety from spiking whenever he leaves home by himself or goes into another room to use his phone? Are you able to deceive yourself to that extent? Is keeping him more important than anything else?

[Andrina]

Who knows if it's guardian angels, or it's just bound to happen when you're with someone so often that if there are skeletons in the closet, they will fall right out of that closet and practically knock you out.

As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

He hasn't divulged to you this behavior because he knows it would upset you. So he will do whatever he damn well pleases behind your back because it suits him and he doesn't care you'd be upset. Doesn't fear that his actions might destroy your relationship if you found out.

It's upsetting to think you've found a decent partner, and now you have to take that smelly garbage to the sidewalk and start all over again.

As mentioned by another poster, when your man-picker is consistently off, perhaps you're ignoring early red flags, and perhaps lack self-worth and are subconsciously picking losers because you think it's what you deserve. 

Be alone and work on your self-worth, and perhaps you will see better results in the future.

The good thing is that you found this out before investing more time. Take care.

[smackie9]

Once you find out your guy is dishonest with you, you need to be honest with yourself and to get out of the relationship. Stop fixing or giving them a chance. Boot him to the curb.

To stop this pattern is to have self worth and to walk away.

[Starlight925]

Yeah, that's a No for me, dog.

I wouldn't even tell him why.  

He'll turn it around on you anyway, saying that you just don't understand him, that you're not as kind as he is, helping out his ex like he is.  You'll come back here, heartbroken at the way he's speaking to you, and you'll get more similar advice.  

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Yeah, that's a No for me, dog.

I wouldn't even tell him why.  

He'll turn it around on you anyway, saying that you just don't understand him, that you're not as kind as he is, helping out his ex like he is.  You'll come back here, heartbroken at the way he's speaking to you, and you'll get more similar advice.  

Or he'll yell at her for going through his phone and invading his privacy, deflecting from what she found and making it out that she did something wrong.

Or he might do what my ex did, he told me "Yeah, I am messaging her and I do love her, so what are you going to do about it?"

[DarkCh0c0]

55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Or he might do what my ex did, he told me "Yeah, I am messaging her and I do love her, so what are you going to do about it?"

😨Holy ...

I'm so sorry about this 💚

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

😨Holy ...

I'm so sorry about this 💚

Thanks. He said he knew I wouldn't leave because I was too hung up on him. He also accused me of trying to ruin our relationship by bringing up his cheating behaviors.

Sadly, I stayed four years with that bozo and he actually broke up with me. My self esteem was non existent back then.

Not anymore. He'd tried a few times to see me and I told him no. Then I cut him off. My life improved exponentially after I got rid of the garbage.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My life improved exponentially after I got rid of the garbage

🏆💪 Absolutely! You've come a long way.

[catfeeder]

Before you invested your heart in this guy, did you ever flat out ask him how long it’s been since his divorce was finalized, and whether or not he remains in contact with his ex?

If not, you’re not screening your dates very well, and that could be part of the reason you find out later that the men you choose don’t operate according to your unspoken assumptions.

In this case, do you know if he’s even fully divorced yet? Could he still be ironing out the last details of their settlement?

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, joinlondon said:

over the past month or so I have discovered by accident (by seeing her name on his phone all the time)that he chats to his ex very often. His messages are locked. The other day when I heard his phone ringing and was going to answer it, I saw a text preview from his ex that said, yes, she would like him to help her with money. This made me feel crap! He's doing this behind my back. They have no kids together (they were married 10 years) he doesn't know I know...

First off, what's your rush?  You've only been involved a little over 6 months!  You need more time to get to know your partner...

Second, do you really think you can trust a guy who deals with his ex consistantly?  Especially one who he was involved with for 10 yrs?  ( I'm gonna guess they haven't been broken up more than a year or two?  If so, he is most likely not ready to be involved again) .

Third, why would YOU be answering his phone?  I've dated guys over 5 yrs and NEVER answered their phones.  Was not my place.

So... I'm assuming lack of trust is there.  Yeah, no good.  Maybe re consider moving in with someone you hardly know.

[gamon]

Moving in with him given the close connection to his ex and the deception about it, would be one of the worst decisions you will ever make.

Sure you can talk to him but it won't change anything. Even if he's straightforward with you- which of course he isn't.

 

 

[sweetlady]

Maybe hold of from moving in with him.

If there's still something between them take a step back slow it all down. Or just call this off.

She still must have a hold on him. So be careful.

[HeartGoesOn]

He's already hiding things from you, therefore he'll simply go on to find better ways of covering his tracks.

I'd cut the cord now before the next shoe drops.

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

He's already hiding things from you, therefore he'll simply go on to find better ways of covering his tracks.

I'd cut the cord now before the next shoe drops.

My ex didn't even bother covering his tracks. He figured I was so into him I'd put up with anything. Sadly, he was right.

Don't be me from back then.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/8/2022 at 3:58 AM, joinlondon said:

. This made me feel crap! He's doing this behind my back. 

After 28 weeks dating, you're already "feeling like crap" and realizing his priority is his ex. Furthermore you know know he's willing to be deceptive and disrespectful.