Partner Smoking / relationship advice

[Jake247]

I’ve been with my now fiancé for 2 years. Our relationship has definitely had its ups and downs, but overall there’s been a lot to figure out. 
 

I’ll admit, I brought a lot of baggage to my relationship. I’m mid thirties, divorced with one kid, and had a failed engagement (I chose to leave) due to many different reasons. 
 

When I met my fiancé she wasn’t a smoker, she quit for over a year but has struggled with smoking on and off since college. 
 

I have such a hard time with her smoking because not only does she get my hopes up and almost always fail, but she has major mood swings and within 7-10 days of quitting we end up in massive fights with her raging on me. When she comes at me aggressively she’s always going off and says such horrible things to me. It’s eroding my self confidence and I feel like I’m constantly a problem. 
 

in the moment she continually makes me feel like I’m the reason she smokes, how unhappy she is, why my last fiancé cheated on me, and how horrible of a human I am. I literally just sit there and have nothing to say while she goes off on me for hours. 
 

this fight lasts usually 2 days and then she comes to a realization that it probably was the nicotine withdrawal and she’s sorry for what she’s said. 
 

im really struggling with everything and feel extremely defeated emotionally. I’ve never in my life felt so ***ty about myself and feel like I never do anything right or can say anything right to her. 
 

there is some truth to what she has said.. I do struggle with depression and have childhood trauma I’ve never understood how to deal with. She’s helped me in so many areas but these fights are weighing so heavy on me and make me feel like a horrible person, when I know I’m a good person and I care so much. 
 

just looking for someone who has gone through quitting and what advice you can give me. I’ve completely let go of making any comments to her about smoking anymore. She wants to quit, but I guess I just have major anxiety every time she tells me she’s quitting because I know she turns into a different person. One time she flipped on me for not getting her the right candy. It’s been a struggle and I need some help. 

[boltnrun]

Two things: end this abusive relationship (yes, she's abusive, it isn't always men who abuse) and look into therapy to help with your childhood trauma.

Yes, I know, you "love her!" But this is how your life will be for however long the marriage lasts. I can guarantee it won't last long because one of you will reach a breaking point. 

I'm sorry about this, but she's not the right one for you. You don't want your child witnessing you being abused, do you?

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Personal story to get to you: I smoked for years, loved it, and when I met my girlfriend I had switched to a goofy little vape, which I also loved. Two years ago I quit, which I'd promised I'd do when we moved in.

Was it easy? Not always. Was I occasionally annoyed at my girlfriend for "making" me quit, a not-true story that I sometimes told myself when jonesing? Sure. In this frustration did I go off the rails, raging at her, demeaning her? No, never. That's just not who I am, not when I'm shot through with nicotine and not when I'm craving it.  

All of which is to say: smoking, nicotine, and nicotine withdrawal are not the issues you're dealing with here. The issue is that you are engaged to someone who rages at you and demeans you when she is on edge, with smoking/quitting a symptom of this, not the root cause.  

If she's not interested in seeing the above as the real issue and working to get to the roots, rather than continuously blaming it on nicotine withdrawal, I would in your shoes be tapping the brakes on nuptials. Do you think there's a way that you can reframe the conversation in those terms?

[smackie9]

Smoking/quitting is no excuse for the abuse that is taking place. And don't bring in the excuse of your "baggage". To me you have handle your baggage pretty well so there is nothing there to bring blame to. I understand that when you love someone you want to help them in anyways you can BUT, this is not something you should not have to take on. You already have been through a divorce, don't set your self up for another one. It's time to think about your own mental health/ well being... enough is enough. It's time to vacate this relationship while you can.

[Kwothe28]

Addicts have a very nasty withdrawal. Meaning that very little things can make them snap and think they need substance they are addicted to get them in check. While in truth, its mostly the power of the will. If you want to quit, you will get through it just fine. If you dont and/ or are weak-willed, you will get back to the old ways. Sure, there are a few tricks(my friend used mint bombons, every time he had a cravings for ciggaretes he took them) but its mostly willpower. She has a very weak one and is coping with it in a very nasty and abusing way toward you. And you shouldnt stay around for somebody who is an addict and treats you like that.

[Seraphim]

Addiction to nicotine is extremely bad and withdrawal is real and severe. I have ditched 3 major addictions, cigarettes, alcohol and opiates and each one was very hard. This however doesn’t give her a right to attack your character. 
 

Addicts also can’t change for others . They have to do it for themselves and it has to be their decision.
 

It is time to leave . 

[Andrina]

Instead of hoping for huge changes--hoping for the best, realize that it's more realistic to take what's happening now as what's likely to remain.

If you can't be happy in a relationship "as is," it's not the right one for you.

In my first marriage, my husband was an on and off smoker. I had to deal with being left alone in the movie theater while he went out once or twice to smoke. I had to deal with him flipping out because he couldn't find a lighter. I was subject to him blaming me, first for asking too much how he was doing with quitting, and then when I didn't ask at all, blamed for not "caring" enough and keeping him accountable.

His mother was also a heavy smoker, and likely cut off at least 20 years from her life because of the habit, dying of a massive heart attack at age 67. Before that, I also saw that she lost time from loved ones at a family reunion since she had to excuse herself for smoke breaks. She also didn't get to see her grandchildren grow older, graduating from high school and other milestones, whereas my parents, who didn't smoke (My Dad quit when I was young), were around to see all this.

There's never an excuse for abuse, even if it's the "addiction" talking, as they say.

IMO, I suggest moving on.

[catfeeder]

You can replace the substance, nicotine, with booze or heroin or opiates because it’s not about the substance, it’s about the behavior.

It doesn’t matter what an abuser uses, it only matters that they are an abuser, and WHO they abuse over the course of their addiction is the choice YOU make.

It does her no favors to stick around for this. It just gives her someone to blame.

Is that who you want to be?

[DarkCh0c0]

11 hours ago, Jake247 said:

n the moment she continually makes me feel like I’m the reason she smokes, how unhappy she is, why my last fiancé cheated on me, and how horrible of a human I am. I literally just sit there and have nothing to say while she goes off on me for hours. 

What she's doing is abuse. The withdrawal effects don't make someone rage on their loved ones and deliberately say hurtful things to them.

She uses withdrawal effects as a scapegoat to her trash behaviour. The truth is, she has anger issues and she gaslights you. When you stay with her despite her pulling those stunts on you, you show her that you will put up with it. So, she has no reason to change. All she has to do is play victim, tell you a few nice words and you stay. So sad, but this is part of the toxic abusive push-pull cycle.

Please leave asap and while you can. Absolutely don't put you yourself nor your kid through this. I'm very sorry, but you need to be safe. You have done NOTHING to warrant her abuse nor toxic reactions. You are worthy of better. Maybe it's time to stay single for a while and work on your self-worth so that you no longer stay so long in such terrible relationships. You need to to train yourself to leave as soon as you see red flags.

Edit: when you do break up with her, do it in a public space. Don't fall for any take tears, faker promises, or succumb to her gaslighting/guilt tripping. Just rip the bandaid off and leave. Make sure you have nothing at her place and that you've changed your home's locks before hand so she doesn't show up unattended.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Jake247 said:

One time she flipped on me for not getting her the right candy. It’s been a struggle and I need some help. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? The smoking seems minor compared to unstable moods and abusive behavior.

Your question seems to beg for a simple solution to  complex problems. And that is that all the troubles are caused by quitting smoking.

At some level you know that's not the case. Whether her abusive behavior is fueled by untreated mental health issues masked by smoking or other relationship conflicts, it's unfair to subject your child to someone like this.

[Lambert]

The only way to stop abuse is to get away from the person.

Smoking is just an excuse. I smoked on and off. it was, a lot of times, associated with drinking and partying. So I could go long periods without it. So I don't really know too much about addiction to nicotine.

And while I'm sure it's tough, it just an excuse. Just like everyone else that can't control themselves... it's always something other than the abuser and their short comings that they choose not to address.

If you don't walk away, you have to accept this is your life.... 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, Jake247 said:

this fight lasts usually 2 days and then she comes to a realization that it probably was the nicotine withdrawal

No, absolutely not. 

It's because she is a verbal and emotional abuser. She is blaming nicotine withdrawal rather than taking accountability for her abusive ways. This is not related to her smoking habits. 

It's time to break up with her. The abuse will contiune, whether or not she gives up smoking. She'll just find some other stupid excuse. 

[Jake247]

I know I’ve done things that have hurt her. My childhood trauma is rooted in me feeling no emotions at time and she says that I have no empathy towards her.
 

I do agree that this is a very complex issue and she constantly reminds me this isn’t her and I’ve caused her to become this person. I just feel like everything is my fault in this relationship and she never takes accountability for herself. It’s all justified. 

She’s called me a narcissist and made me out to be the bad guy in every scenario. While I do struggle to show my emotions or talk about them, I know I’m the furthest thing from that. She even had me buy a book to understand how narcissistic I am. Then I read through texts with her mom and her mom told her I’m the furthest thing from that and she’s dropped that story now. 

I’m well aware of all my mistakes and the things I’ve done to hurt her. being a single dad I had issues of wanting her to be there for me and fox my problems. I would get upset when she would leave or wouldn’t be there for me or something that had to do with my son. 

I guess I’m just looking for advice because I feel like I can’t walk away. I’m too embarrassed to have a failed engagement again. I just can’t seem to get it right. 

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Jake247 said:

I feel like I can’t walk away. I’m too embarrassed to have a failed engagement again

That is a very poor reason to marry an abuser.

What would be worse? A little "embarrassment", or marrying an abuser, having a lifetime of being treated horribly and having your child witness you being mistreated?

Children tend to mirror the relationships of their parents. Do you hope your child has a relationship like the one you have now?

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, Jake247 said:

I guess I’m just looking for advice because I feel like I can’t walk away. I’m too embarrassed to have a failed engagement again. I just can’t seem to get it right. 

Keep your audience of friends and family apart from this decision. It's ridiculous to not go separate ways because of a fear of being judged by others.

So you haven't been a prime partner either. Doesn't mean you should live a life of punishment for what you've done.

You two subconsciously chose each other because of the dysfunction. That's what you truly believe you deserve.

People who have healthy self-worth only accept people who also have self-love--put together people who are ready to commit to satisfying and healthy relationships.

It's time to invest in yourself for the good of your future. Be alone and do whatever it takes to achieve a healthy self-worth, whether that be practicing what you read in books on that subject or receiving therapy.

The only people you should be worrying about is yourself and your child. Your child deserves a nice environment, free of toxic melodrama. Instead of worrying how it will look to friends and others when you break an engagement, make yourself and your child the priority.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Jake247 said:

she constantly reminds me this isn’t her and I’ve caused her to become this person

Which is precisely what abusers do - blame everyone else and make it their victim's fault. 

Have you got any of sort professional help available? You're so far down the hole on this one that I think you are going to need to some intensive support to  help get you out and away from her. 

[Jake247]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Which is precisely what abusers do - blame everyone else and make it their victim's fault. 

Have you got any of sort professional help available? You're so far down the hole on this one that I think you are going to need to some intensive support to  help get you out and away from her. 

I’ve reached out to talk to a counselor. I agree that I do need some help here to help me process my emotions. I will be hopefully getting help soon. In the meantime I appreciate everyone’s responses and their help. 
 

She can’t seem to come to that conclusion in her mind that it takes both people and that her unhappiness could be form other factors or how she feels about herself.

[Jake247]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

That is a very poor reason to marry an abuser.

What would be worse? A little "embarrassment", or marrying an abuser, having a lifetime of being treated horribly and having your child witness you being mistreated?

Children tend to mirror the relationships of their parents. Do you hope your child has a relationship like the one you have now?

That’s good advice. I talked to my dad and he said the same thing. Who cares what people think, because my happiness at the end of the day is the most important.

[tattoobunnie]

22 hours ago, Jake247 said:

She comes at me aggressively she’s always going off and says such horrible things to me.

Smoked for 16 years, and tried many times to quit with little to no success even with people offering large sums of money.  Then, I found out I was pregnant, and went from half a pack to 1 a day for a week, to done, period.  And never did I once ever tell my hubs I thought he was a horrible human.  Sorry, bub, that's just her talking, not the nicotine.  She's just an A$$hole.

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Jake247 said:

I do agree that this is a very complex issue and she constantly reminds me this isn’t her and I’ve caused her to become this person.

This broke my heart to read. Can you see here that she is abdicating all responsibility for her own choices?

Easy analogy. Let's say I'm driving down the street and someone cuts me off. That choice/mistake by another driver "hurt" me, frightened me. Now let's say that, in response, I get out of my car, find a rock on the ground, throw it at the driver's windshield. "This isn't me," I say, "but something you caused." 

Um, no. 

In other words, this really isn't that complex. It's just really, really lousy and hurtful behavior. It seems she is very attracted to you, in part, because she can offset this and blame you. And it seems—and this is something to understand in yourself, so it doesn't have such power over you—that you are somewhat hardwired to play the role of Bad Boy.

You know her, you, and you two better than us. But from where I sit the only shot at something like genuine harmony here is if she can step away from the you-blame and see that she has some self-regulation issues that need addressing, and that have nothing to do with nicotine. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Jake247 said:

That’s good advice. I talked to my dad and he said the same thing. Who cares what people think, because my happiness at the end of the day is the most important.

My brother insisted on marrying a horrible woman despite there being red flags the size of Texas and bad behaviors. He was besotted with that woman because they'd dated decades ago when they were teenagers and, since he absolutely hates the thought of getting older, being with her enabled him to pretend he was young again. So he married her despite everything.

One year later they were separated and another year later they were divorced. He admitted to being embarrassed. He didn't even want to tell our extended family because he was ashamed at his marriage only lasting one year. Of course he could have avoided that embarrassment by paying attention to the massive signs, but he didn't. However, our family and his friends have been nothing but supportive. They saw the kind of woman she was and knew he was going through a world of hurt. No one chastised him or made fun of him or said "told you so!!" or gloated. We all rallied around him.

So forget about embarrassment over a broken engagement. IMO it would be more embarrassing to marry a shrewish, abusive harpy and have everyone see her mistreating you than it would be to break an engagement to a woman who's so obviously a bad partner.

And keep your child in mind. If you wouldn't want your child to have a relationship like yours, why would you want it?

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Jake247 said:

She’s called me a narcissist and made me out to be the bad guy in every scenario. While I do struggle to show my emotions or talk about them, I know I’m the furthest thing from that. She even had me buy a book to understand how narcissistic I am. Then I read through texts with her mom and her mom told her I’m the furthest thing from that and she’s dropped that story now. 

See, even her mom knows you AREN'T a narcissist. Your fiancée is gaslighting you and feeding you lies about yourself so that you feel you don't deserve better. As you take this negative talk from her, you become more and more trauma-bonded and you feel stuck to her/ as if you can't leave. It all works for her interest, rather than yours. It's manipulation.

Someone with a healthy self-esteem would know they have flaws like everyone, but they would never accept that someone else dictates who they are. There's a difference between being humble and being a desperate people pleaser with no solid self-worth and boundaries.

I really urge you to get into therapy and make a safe exit plan in case you live together. You and your child do not deserve this. You have done NOTHING to warrant such bad abusive behaviour.

Also, maybe read up on trauma bonding (link included) to help you understand better the abusive cycle you are stuck in and why you need professional help. Right now, you are in the thick of it, so it's hard for you to see how bad it is. A good trauma-informed therapist will give you a hand and lift you out of it, so to speak.

Once you leave her, reflect with your therapist on your self-worth and on why you just don't simply walk away from people who treat you like trash. You need to learn to walk away from the earliest sign of abuse. As you build up your self esteem, you'll start attracting healthier people in your social circle and you'll be able to experience more stable, fulfilling and uplifting relationships.

I'm so sorry again it's like this. It's scary. I sympathize with you.

[lostandhurt]

All great advice and I hope you take it.

You are engaged to an abusive person and the sooner you see that and freely admit it instead of making excuses for her you will be much better off.

 I have one simple question for you: What could you have done to deserve the way she speaks to you?

 

 You cannot love her enough to make this go away, you cannot be strong enough for her to not be abusive, you cannot take the blame for her actions and most importantly you cannot keep taking the beatings hoping this one will be the last one.

Walking on eggshells around the person you are supposed to marry is not the way a life long commitment starts.

 Best wishes and please follow through with the therapist or counselor as soon as possible as you are in grave emotional danger.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Jake247 said:

being a single dad I had issues of wanting her to be there for me and fix my problems. I would get upset when she would leave or wouldn’t be there for me or something that had to do with my son. 

Sorry to say but an abusive relationship is not good for your child. She finds you abusive otherwise she wouldn't put narcissist books under your nose and you think she's toxic and moody.

The first place to start is taking a break, getting your son to safety and reassessing what's really going on.

You need a better rapport and coparenting plan with your son's mother. A new GF is not a nanny to help you cope with single fatherhood.

Sadly you jumped from the frying pan to the fire in this situation. Step back reflect and regroup rather than perseverating on her faults.

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, Jake247 said:

She can’t seem to come to that conclusion in her mind that it takes both people and that her unhappiness could be form other factors or how she feels about herself.

Of course not. That would mean admitting she is abusive, and she will likely never do so. 

It is going to be futile trying to get her to see where you are coming from, OP. I wouldn't waste your time on that. Simply start making an exit plan so you can get away from this toxic dysfunction, and start the path to healing.