Did I come off too strong?

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

 

 

 

I (20M) went on three dates with this girl (F18) about 2 months ago. On the first date, I had to meet her family. First date was a blast, we had a lot of fun. She asked me my political opinions, which I found a bit weird, but okay. Our values and interests align so perfectly I ask her on a second date, and she said yes with a lot of excitement. A week later, we have our second date.

 

Second date was good, but I feel I messed up. I told her I was looking for a serious relationship, she said she was looking for the same thing. Then I proceeded to asking her what she saw in me that made her want to go out with me, and I also said how I was looking for someone, all that desperate/needy bull***. Then I asked her if we could hold hands. She freezes for like 5 seconds, then said yes. After holding hands she asked me about the future, what my plans were, if I wanted a family, if I was able to relocate, what kind of house we are going to live in. I then asked her on a third date, which she said yes, but not with as much excitement as before.

 

Then a week goes by and the texting is good, flirtatious. Then she tells me how the sunset is pretty, I then text her saying that we would watch prettier sunsets together.

 

Midweek, and she wants to see a movie with me. I agreed, she gets all excited. Then the day of the movie comes, and she is a completely different person. She is sad, reserved, quiet, wearing a hoodie in a 90 degree weather. During the movie, I ask her if we could hold hands, which she turned down. Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I think that’s bull***.

 

Then two days later, we go on a third date. She is in a better mood. We have a lot of fun, so I thought things were back to normal. So I asked her if I could hold her hand, which she said no. I said it’s all good, and just continued the date like it never happened. Then at the end I ask her out on a fourth date and she says she needs to think about it.

 

A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.

 

I asked her when she felt God telling her that. She says she felt fit between the second and third date, before the movie, which makes sense since her whole attitude changed.

 

And yes, we are both religious. But I don’t buy this “God told me” BS.

 

My question is, did I come off too strong in the second date? Did I scare her off?

[Madlike]

She just isn’t interested anymore or met someone else. Or her ex came back. 

[MissCanuck]

She's an 18-year-old girl. Having been an 18-year-old girl once myself, I can tell you they're a fickle bunch. There might several different reasons why she changed her mind: another guy, lack of chemistry, some family objection, who knows. All you can do it chalk it up to a mistmatch. 

But try to relax into dating a bit more. You seemed anxious to ensure she liked you. Give someone time to get to know you next time, rather than asking them  to list the reasons they want to date you. It was too soon for that. Lead with confidence rather than fear. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

  we are both religious. But I don’t buy this “God told me” BS.

Did I scare her off?

You didn't do anything wrong. She seems a bit confused and not ready willing or able to date at this time.

Perhaps her parents are strict or there's trouble at home. It doesn't matter what excuse is used but since you're both religious, this is as good as any. 

Sorry it didn't work out. 

[smackie9]

Well maybe it was way too much...for an 18 year old girl. Keep it light next time. It's ok to talk about intentions but not so intensely. Oh man don't ask any girl how you rate. To a woman/girl this has a feeling of insecurity. Asking for a kiss or to hold hands...don't, just let it happen naturally. I'm relating this to you because this was my experience/how I felt when I was dating.

Plus her parents most likely kicked up a fuss about who she was dating.

There are plenty of other girls out there, you don't need to worry, you will meet the right person. Trial and error right? Learn from the experience and go forward.

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

A week goes by of no contact, then she tells me that after praying a lot, she felt God indicating to her that we were not going to end up together, that we would end up with different people.

 

She is either "cocoo" or just met somebody else that she thinks its better fit. And I say that as a religious person myself. God telling her lol

So, you dodged a huge bullet there mate

[catfeeder]

Asking what she liked about you sounds a bit self involved, and planting a futuristic seed was a bit premature.

This got her thinking in terms of trying to envision a future with someone she never had the chance to relax and get to know.

So this put a heavy weight on something as simple as hard holding. Everything started signaling pressure, which killed the joy.

I’d treat new dating as forming a foundational friendship that allows for trust to build over time rather than treating it like an up front contract that needs to get signed.

[lostandhurt]

To strong? She asked where you were going to live together???

 You messed up a little but nothing to turn her off to you.  You went on a few dates and something changed.  In the end it doesn't matter why she changed her mind, it only matters that she did.

In the future NEVER ask a woman why she said yes to ANYTHING!!!  Take the win and go with it.

(You)"Do you want to go back to my place and have sex?"

(Her) "YES I DO"

(You) "Great, but why do you want to have sex with me?"

(Her) "Never mind....take me home"

See my point? 

You are 20 and she is 18 so keep it light and fun.  No talk of the future, how many children, where you are going to live or any serious type stuff. There is plenty of time for that later if there is a later.

Lost

[Cherylyn]

Both of you came on too strong and bombarded each other with a ton of questions.  Dating and getting acquainted is a process which takes time.  What is the rush and big hurry?  Getting to know each other should be gradual and not so sudden.  There are tell tell signs which cause you to perceive whether or not a date is for you long term.  Your gut and intuition will tell you if this date is for you or only temporary. 

Generally dates are not hot and cold.  It's either or but not both.  Either dates are cool from the beginning and tend to go downhill from there to the point of calling it quits or there's a real spark from both parties who truly are attracted to each other in every way.  You want the latter and not the former.  Any time a date is good one day and flounders the next,  is a red flag and not meant to endure. 

In the future, don't hold hands too soon.  Wait several dates or longer until the timing is right and mutual.  Get to know your date which requires patience and many dates before each person is comfortable.  Don't be so eager nor desperate.  Take it easy.

[jul-els]

She isn’t into you and is too cowardly to say it, so she’s hiding it behind a smokescreen based on her religious beliefs. Take that for what it is and move on. 
 

If you want to hold hands with someone, reach out and take their hand. Be confident. If she wants to hold your hand she will, if she doesn’t she won’t. Either response is fine. Affection is a physical form of communication and you have to be confident in yourself in order to both express and understand it clearly. 

[Spawn]

it takes a while, you both were just starting to know each other, she pulled the plug for her own reasons. that's a good learning experience i say.

Sometimes these serious questions so early in your dating phase can put either of you off, just keep going with the flow, keep it fun, once you become exclusive the answers to your questions will all be seen in your actions and behaviour.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

On 11/6/2022 at 12:30 AM, Madlike said:

She just isn’t interested anymore or met someone else. Or her ex came back. 

She says she is either at home or at work majority of the time. And at work, all the guys are not interested and or afraid to ask her out. And honestly, none of them would stand a chance. She also has never had a boyfriend. I am trying to figure out why she lost interest. Everything was going good till after the second date.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/6/2022 at 1:14 AM, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

Later she says that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, that her family was going through a hard time, and when that happens, she distances her self from others. I think that’s bull***.

She did tell you what's going on, but you don't believe her. It's best not to try to figure out if you did something wrong on dates. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She did tell you what's going on, but you don't believe her. It's best not to try to figure out if you did something wrong on dates. 

I do not believe her because her family seemed to be a happy and united one when I met them. Also, if I had family problems, I wouldn't carry those emotions into a date. But if those emotions were so huge, she could have just canceled, which she did not.

And the biggest reason I do not believe her is because when she ended things, she said that she felt that "God" told her we wouldn't end up together before the we went to the movies. Obviously, I do not believe that God told her that, but maybe she changed her mind after the stupid stuff I did on the second date. So maybe that is why she acted the way she did and not wanting to hold hands etc.

I want to figure out what I did wrong because if I was not able to get into a relationship with her, it means I somehow failed along the way. I want to improve. High quality girls like her are so rare to find, and if I happen to meet another woman like that in my lifetime, I certainly do not want to screw things up again.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

8 hours ago, Spawn said:

it takes a while, you both were just starting to know each other, she pulled the plug for her own reasons. that's a good learning experience i say.

Sometimes these serious questions so early in your dating phase can put either of you off, just keep going with the flow, keep it fun, once you become exclusive the answers to your questions will all be seen in your actions and behaviour.

Damn. And I had a gut feeling that asking those questions, holding hands was not the right move since we were starting to get to know each other. But I did it anyway because I was so afraid of getting friendzoned. There is this rule of thumb I learned in an online course where if you do not make a move by date 2, you will be friendzoned, and there is no coming out. 

I was surprised she said yes to holding hands the first time. And she is the one that initiated the questions about the future like if I wanted a family, where we were going to live etc. Maybe she went along with it because of how well I was doing up until that point. But later maybe she thought it was too quick and changed her mind.

And the worse thing is that I asked if we could hold hands two more times. What a stupid idiot I am. I did tell her to let me know if I was rushing, but she never said anything. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

There is this rule of thumb I learned in an online course

And now you know those "online courses" are frauds and a waste of money.

Forget so called dating coaches with their "guaranteed results!!!!!!111" and their "hundreds of satisfied customers!!!" with their fake testimonials. Women aren't cars or electronic devices that you would use an owner's manual on. You have to get to know them as individuals.

And it doesn't matter if you "believe" she doesn't really have family issues or that God didn't really tell her anything. She said no, and that's all you need to know.

There are literally millions of young women out there. Many of them would want to date you. But scrap the online gurus and date naturally.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I want to figure out what I did wrong because if I was not able to get into a relationship with her, it means I somehow failed along the way. I want to improve. High quality girls like her are so rare to find, and if I happen to meet another woman like that in my lifetime, I certainly do not want to screw things up again.

All you would "learn" is about her specifically not any future women. It's like saying "I want to learn piano", but the next could be a tennis game. So unfortunately you'll never know about this girls quirks, but you'll need to learn about women individually.

[jul-els]

5 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I do not believe her because her family seemed to be a happy and united one when I met them. Also, if I had family problems, I wouldn't carry those emotions into a date. But if those emotions were so huge, she could have just canceled, which she did not.

And the biggest reason I do not believe her is because when she ended things, she said that she felt that "God" told her we wouldn't end up together before the we went to the movies. Obviously, I do not believe that God told her that, but maybe she changed her mind after the stupid stuff I did on the second date. So maybe that is why she acted the way she did and not wanting to hold hands etc.

I want to figure out what I did wrong because if I was not able to get into a relationship with her, it means I somehow failed along the way. I want to improve. High quality girls like her are so rare to find, and if I happen to meet another woman like that in my lifetime, I certainly do not want to screw things up again.

You didn’t fail at anything. The two of you were just incompatible, that’s all. It’s an extremely common occurrence, as you’ll find out as you make your way through the dating world. 
 

A “high quality woman” doesn’t blame her disinterest in you on god, lol. That’s a big glaring sign that this isn’t the right person for you. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

51 minutes ago, jul-els said:

You didn’t fail at anything. The two of you were just incompatible, that’s all. It’s an extremely common occurrence, as you’ll find out as you make your way through the dating world. 
 

A “high quality woman” doesn’t blame her disinterest in you on god, lol. That’s a big glaring sign that this isn’t the right person for you. 

What do you mean incompatible? We share similar interests, similar beliefs. We have very similar personalities. Our future looks the same. I even asked her when she ended things if she thought we were incompatible and she said no. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you would "learn" is about her specifically not any future women. It's like saying "I want to learn piano", but the next could be a tennis game. So unfortunately you'll never know about this girls quirks, but you'll need to learn about women individually.

Well, how am I supposed to have a game plan then if every girl is different. How do I know if I am rushing things, what to do and not what not to do? 

[boltnrun]

I've never in my life had a "game plan" for dating. When the person was right for me I didn't need to formulate a "plan". We just hit it off and both of us wanted to spend more and more time together. That's how you know the interest is returned.

It's actually very simple. Someone who's into you will want to be around you. Someone who's not interested will not.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

What do you mean incompatible? We share similar interests, similar beliefs. We have very similar personalities. Our future looks the same. I even asked her when she ended things if she thought we were incompatible and she said no. 

You are very young so you still have so much to learn about the girls. First of all, you are compatible and similar according to you. To her you are not. Otherwise she would be with you. "Joan of Arc"(Get it? Because she talks with God lol) lied to you about compatibility. 

Second of all, there is no magic plan that would make every girl like you. Stuff you did with that girl would be perfectly alright with some other girl as she would respond better to your advances (btw hands are considered very heavy manouver as they symbolize closeness so you might want to try something "less threatening" maybe). You should be you. Whether they like it or not is up to them.

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I've never in my life had a "game plan" for dating. When the person was right for me I didn't need to formulate a "plan". We just hit it off and both of us wanted to spend more and more time together. That's how you know the interest is returned.

It's actually very simple. Someone who's into you will want to be around you. Someone who's not interested will not.

I see. That makes sense. If the girl wants to be with me she will make dating easy and uncomplicated. 
 

I had the dates strategically planned out before I asked her out lol 

if there is a next time I’ll just go chill and get to know the person. Go with the flow and see where I end up. 

[jul-els]

2 hours ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

What do you mean incompatible? We share similar interests, similar beliefs. We have very similar personalities. Our future looks the same. I even asked her when she ended things if she thought we were incompatible and she said no. 

That’s all well and good, but without mutual interest, it means nothing. Don’t waste any more of your time wondering about this person. Just move on and find yourself a match. 

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

I see. That makes sense. If the girl wants to be with me she will make dating easy and uncomplicated. 
 

I had the dates strategically planned out before I asked her out lol 

if there is a next time I’ll just go chill and get to know the person. Go with the flow and see where I end up. 

And please, stop wasting your money on "online dating courses". As you found, those are complete and total BS and are scams.

The most planning you should do is the day, time and place or event. And transportation. Also what to wear. That's it.