Where do I stand?

[Jade31xx]

I feel like I’m stuck in a bad cycle and I’m trying my hardest to get out of it. My partner of nearly 6 years has a child with his ex, I’m constantly feeling like I don’t matter/belong in the ‘family circle ‘. 
i have found it extremely difficult to adjust my life (I have no children yet) according to them and the co-parenting side. However I always feel that whilst his child is obviously important and should come first in many aspects, I’m not being heard. 
the main issue is his ex partner and her needs always seem to be met over mine, when I ask why this is, I get told ‘it’s for my son’ whilst sometimes that makes sense, I can’t help but feel that her needs are always met whilst I’m left lingering! Can anyone point me in the right direction? 
has anyone been in the position before? What can I do? 
TIA 

[Batya33]

Because to put it bluntly you don't come before his child -you two are not married or like married, you have no children together, and by contrast the child is forever and he probably placates his ex so as not to hamper the parent-child relationship.  He's a package deal and part of the deal is his relationship with his ex is a bit fragile/touchy so he's going to do his utmost to protect his relationship with his child which means sometimes you don't matter.  You are not family and you're not part of his family circle.  Was the child born when you got together? Sounds like it so you were forewarned to an extent.  I'm sorry this situation isn't working out for you!

[DarkCh0c0]

You're not his #1 priority.

His child comes at #1 naturally, and then his ex for some reason is #2. So, you're #3 and it sucks.

I would out. You are clearly not a priority in his life after his child. He has shown you over and over with his actions that it ain't happening! I think 6 years is a lot of time wasted over wishing him to change, don't you think?Why put yourself through so much frustration/drama when there are single men out there who put you as their #1?

Time to accept this and break it off. Life is too short to be with the wrong match. I'm sorry.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Jade31xx said:

I always feel that whilst his child is obviously important and should come first in many aspects, I’m not being heard. 
the main issue is his ex partner and her needs always seem to be met over mine, when I ask why this is, I get told ‘it’s for my son’ whilst sometimes that makes sense, I can’t help but feel that her needs are always met whilst I’m left lingering! Can anyone point me in the right direction? 

Re: co-parenting, yes the 'childs needs' are necessary - to extent.

How do you mean in ref to his ex and her needs always seem to be met over yours?  He should basically only be dealing with his kid.  Not her.

They've split up, I don't know how many yrs ago?  And you've been with him for 6?  That's plenty enough to know IF you feel special enough.

Re: my own kids, my ex would see them weekends & pay his support.  Rarely did I ever deal with him one on one.... Plus, we'd occasionally meet up at kids events @ school.

 

[Jade31xx]

I feel like he panders to her, whilst it’s mostly conversations about their child, she messages him often, asking for money, (he pays support plus extras for whatever his son needs on top). They always alter the days he has the child which doesn’t always work and I sometimes have to change/cancel my plans and shifts to suit. 
example; my only day off this week falls on a Wednesday, (which he knew) so was due to have his son Monday/Tuesday, however because this didn’t suit her, he’s altered everything to fit around that. Disregarding me and our plans etc! 
Maybe that sounds selfish I don’t know 😬

move always felt less important when that side of his life comes into it 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Jade31xx said:

I feel like he panders to her, whilst it’s mostly conversations about their child, she messages him often, asking for money, . They always alter the days he has the child which doesn’t always work and I sometimes have to change/cancel my plans and shifts to suit. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Have you asked him why there is a chaotic, ad hoc visitation/custody and child support arrangement? How old are his children?

Once in a while parents do need to be flexible with this, but when you say "panders to her and gives her money" do you mean she is struggling and he wants his children to have what they need that may not be included in child support?

 This issue is you've been together 6 years and it is not going anywhere. It seems stalled out.  like it can't get off the ground because of his obligations and somewhat loose parenting style.

That seems to be an issue perhaps more so than his coparenting style itself with the children's mother. Keep in mind, he is the problem either way especially when he throws her under the bus with "she needs..., she asked..., she wants..." etc. Rather than take responsibility for his choices.

[bluecastle]

15 minutes ago, Jade31xx said:

They always alter the days he has the child which doesn’t always work and I sometimes have to change/cancel my plans and shifts to suit. 
example; my only day off this week falls on a Wednesday, (which he knew) so was due to have his son Monday/Tuesday, however because this didn’t suit her, he’s altered everything to fit around that.

Granted this isn't much of a picture of six years, but for whatever it's worth? From where I sit—sharing my life with someone with a child who moves between our home and her ex's—this is kind of just part of the deal. 

Every couple co-parents differently, and it is, at least in my experience, one of these things that is always changing shape. Generally speaking, I think these kind of relationships work when (a) you fundamentally like and respect the way your partner—and your partner's ex—handles things; and (b) when you're constitutionally accepting that your needs can't, and shouldn't, compete with those of a child. 

Also curious to know if you guys live together.  

[moodindigo91]

I'm wondering why it has been 6 years and you're just now coming to this realization. Just seems like you're incompatible in many ways, including the fact that you don't have children and don't seem to want to be a parent or ready to be a parent, he has a child and an ex who he does actually need to "pander" to in many instances as they are co-parenting their child, your relationship needs are not being met and it seems unlikely they ever will be since it has been 6 years and your role in the "family unit" has remained stagnant. No marriage proposal. 

I would leave this relationship and look for a partner who doesn't have children. 

[Jade31xx]

We are actually engaged to be married, and we have spoken often about children of our own but are unable to right now. 
We’ve battled with many issues during our relationship (after all not every relationship is plain sailing) which have added to problems! This is just one that keeps arising. I understand his child’s needs need to be met but his exs’ don’t!! 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jade31xx said:

They always alter the days he has the child which doesn’t always work and I sometimes have to change/cancel my plans and shifts to suit. 
example; my only day off this week falls on a Wednesday, (which he knew) so was due to have his son Monday/Tuesday, however because this didn’t suit her, he’s altered everything to fit around that. Disregarding me and our plans etc! 
Maybe that sounds selfish I don’t know

Always assume the child's schedule will trump yours and maybe because she asked him to switch days and he wants goodwill with her so he can switch days if needed in the future.  Assume your plans are always tentative.

I did my utmost not to date men who had children for just this reason.

[Batya33]

Just now, Jade31xx said:

We are actually engaged to be married, and we have spoken often about children of our own but are unable to right now. 
We’ve battled with many issues during our relationship (after all not every relationship is plain sailing) which have added to problems! This is just one that keeps arising. I understand his child’s needs need to be met but his exs’ don’t!! 

His ex is the child's mother.  So yes her needs often will be intertwined with the child's needs. For example -let's say the child is sick and the mom has been up every night with the child while sick and is exhausted.  So she needs to sleep and asks him to please take the now healthy child so she can catch up on sleep.  If he says no then his child will be with an exhausted sleep deprived mother -which is not the end of the world but not optimal.  They are a unit for many purposes.  

When is your wedding date? If there is no date then to me it's not an official engagement -and what's the point of being engaged if you are not accepting this package deal?

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Jade31xx said:

We are actually engaged to be married, and we have spoken often about children of our own but are unable to right now. 

At least you are fully aware of what you may be getting into. Do you live together? Co-own/co-lease or is he in your house ? Are his children with you a lot where you have to nanny them or does he take full responsibility for them? Don't be jealous of his ex. He is the issue and it will never end. It seems more like the ex issue is a symptom more than the issue itself.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Batya33

Cancel the engagement,  don't get married and don't have children with him otherwise your situation will only grow worse. 

Your partner will forever deal with his ex and child.  Unfortunately, you are very low priority.  His child and ex will always come first and foremost.  You'll always acquiesce because their needs have higher status.  I'm sorry.  It's the way it is.

I suggest that you be with a man without baggage and without strings attached.  The relationship will be easier and smoother with less people in the picture.  You will have more devotion and loyalty for each other without others crowding in your daily lives for many years to come.  This is the reality of the situation.

 

 

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Jade31xx said:

We are actually engaged to be married

Do you have a ring? Curious also why you are unable to have children of your own right now?

Have you discussed with him your role in his pre-existing child's life once you get married? It doesn't seem like you have much of a role in his family unit at all right now. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Isn't him having a child a deal-breaker for you? Cause it is for most women.

1 hour ago, Jade31xx said:

We’ve battled with many issues during our relationship (after all not every relationship is plain sailing) which have added to problems

Actually, you would be surprised that a healthy relationship is plain sailing (maybe some turbulence, but you have those as a team). Healthy relationships are safe and people communicate like adults in them. A healthy partner would have healthy boundaries with the child's mom while finding ways to still make you feel like a priority in his life.  A healthy partner would still make you feel special, children or no children.

Ugh, I agree with everyone. Hold on the marriage and get in touch with your own feelings and needs. Your post is titled "where do I stand", so you have doubts and you know in your heart that even though you love him, he's not the right man for you. What you have been seeing for 6 years will still be the same dynamic for 15+ years.

You have a decision to make that can impact your future and happiness. I suggest you don't settle, face the break-up and find a single man who will put you as #1 from day one and nothing short of that. You are worthy and deserve the best. Your frustrations and feelings are valid. Take care 💚

[Cherylyn]

You don't stand anywhere, unfortunately.  You are cast aside because you are not as important to your partner.  His ex and child will always demand and command his undivided attention, energy, time and resources.  You are left with crumbs, if that. 

Cancel the engagement, don't get married to your partner and don't have children with him.  Get out while you can before it's too late.  You will be miserable with him the longer you hang onto a hopeless situation.

[smackie9]

Communication is key. You should be having this conversation with him not us. Share your grievances/ concerns and let him know what needs to change. If it gets messy I suggest premarital counselling. Conversation needs to include priority with you, future children, family vacations, holidays, etc. talk about the what if’s like if you decide to relocate for work, purchasing a house, how is this family going to blend….. talking about all this and coming to an agreement before marriage is necessary or it just won’t work.

[Tinydance]

Well seeing as she is an ex of 6 + years and you're his partner and fiancee of 6 years, yes I think he should put more priority on you.

Although I also suppose some of these arrangements may depend on what the ex's life situation is actually like. If she has actual good reasons why she often needs to change plans and why your partner panders to her. For example, if she works then maybe sometimes certain days don't suit her because she needs to get to work and things like that. Did she have any other children with any new man? Or she just has the one child? I think there's a difference in terms of whether her reasons for changing plans are valid or not. For example, things like doctor's appointments, work. However if she changes plans just because she wants to go for a coffee with a friend, that's different.

I agree that your fiance needs to be a lot more assertive with his ex and set boundaries. As you said, his relationship is actually with you, not her. There are people though who are too soft and are people pleasers. It sounds like maybe your partner may be one of them.

The thing is this has been going on for six years. Unfortunately I think after so long things aren't that likely to change. If they were going to change, that would have happened already.

The only improvement I see potentially happening is when the child becomes a teenager. Then your partner can organise to see his son on his own and not always go through his ex. Regardless though, he will always be in touch with his ex in some form because she's his child's mother. They might see each other at school events, Christmas, child's Birthday.

Just me personally I wouldn't continue the relationship just staying engaged indefinitely, but no actual marriage or kids. After six years I would feel like it's more than enough time to "seal the deal". To actually get married and be a family with our own kids. If it's taking this long to actually happen then I'd probably get sick of waiting. I mean, yes he does have responsibility towards his child of course. But this is also about you and what YOU want. If your needs aren't being met and you're not happy then where does that leave you?

[Lambert]

have you talked to him about these feelings?

Maybe the real problem is you're scared to continue to explain your feelings because he shoots you down with the it's my son response.

That is not having a conversation. That is a canned answer that shuts down the conversation which is unfair to you. 

No one is saying a child doesn't come first. he needs to be with a woman that supports his co-parent responsibility.

But @bluecastle makes a great point- Do you respect his co-parenting philosophy and approach to conflict?

I tend to think you don't and that's a huge red flag to a marriage.

Two people can work anything out if they are both willing to work together.  But if you're being shut out with statements that are designed to stop you from talking or bringing it up,  that's not cool.  I don't care what the topic is. That's not a partnership.

I think you should take some time to really explore your feelings and what you want to happen... Get yourself straight and try to talk to him about it. 

If it goes south, you really have to think about whether this situation works for you.  His responsibility is to his kid, but yours is to you. 

I really think it's a balance. of course parents have to put their children first but there are things he could be doing to show his commitment to you, too.

My parents weren't divorced but my mom always told us kids, when you get married you have to put your marriage first. you raise your kids to leave you and have their own lives.  You and your spouse have to have each other once the kids are grown.

Now that doesn't mean kids and marriages are binary. you can't celebrate your anniversary if the kids all have the flu....

It's a balance. Just like anything else in life.  Sometimes work pulls you,  sometimes health, sometimes kids, sometimes a parent, sometimes a friend.

It's complicated. And you need to be with a guy that gets that. That sure he canceled again bc of the kids, but date night still happens eventually with thanks and appreciation for being the woman in his life.

If it's just gonna be his life, his needs, his kids and you can do whatever then do that.  do whatever with someone else. This is your life. 

Sorry this is so long. 

[jul-els]

The dynamic has been shown to you very clearly. It’s also very clear that it’s not something you’re happy with and have a very hard time accepting. Your feelings are as valid as anyone else’s.
 

You need to consider your own happiness. While a breakup will be painful, that pain will pass and on the other side of it you will find the freedom to find yourself a more suitable partner. The pain you have now will continue on for as long as you remain in this relationship.

Do you want to put the importance of the well being of his child before the importance your own happiness? Staying means that is what you’re choosing and there is no way around it. Leaving means you will choose to find your own happiness. The choice is yours. 

[catfeeder]

My divorced parents both took up with other partners, but my Dad took care of our house and my Mom’s car, and Friday pickup nights or Sunday drop off nights sometimes included all of us eating together and without their SOs.

The SOS understood what they were getting into and did not hold fantasies of exclusionary relationships.

You’ve had a long enough time to learn how this man operates, and it makes no sense to expect it to change if you marry him. He’s a package deal with permanent baggage, so your choice is to take it without making yourself miserable, or leave him to find a partner more suitable for you.

[Tiddytok5]

You'll never come before his child or the ex. 

 

They're family.

This is a forever thing.

 

They  will be in each other's lives as long as they live.

 

 

 

 

You aren't viewed as family.

 

 

You never should have began or continued to date him as soon as you realized what dating someone with a child would be like.

 

 

You've should have left a long time ago.

 

You two are incompatible and it wasn't meant to be. 

 

 

Leave. Date someone without children..or attachments to exes.

 

 

 

[Tiddytok5]

On 10/25/2022 at 3:54 PM, Jade31xx said:

We are actually engaged to be married, and we have spoken often about children of our own but are unable to right now. 
We’ve battled with many issues during our relationship (after all not every relationship is plain sailing) which have added to problems! This is just one that keeps arising. I understand his child’s needs need to be met but his exs’ don’t!! 

You're intentionally ignoring red flags and disregarding your own happiness.

 

 

 

You are also ill equipped, unprepared, and unable to handle being someone with a child, and being a step parent.

 

Tbh, your boyfriend shouldn't be proposing or with anyone who can't accept he comes packaged with a child and the mother of his child.

 

It lacks character and strength on his part. It shows that his child is not a main priority like they should be.

 

It shows he chose a relationship over his child emotional well being , safety, and health.

He doesn't have the best intentions for his child in mind.

 

 

A parent should never be with someone that doesn't accept his child, and isn't understanding or knowledgeable about parenting and co parenting full time.

He should never marry or have his child around someone like you.

 

You sound like you resent his child for existing and needing him as their father too.

 

 

You don't understand how co-parenting works.

 

 

Her needs (if reasonable) have to also be a priority, and concern of his.

 

If she's not good, their child isn't good and it would have an impact on the child.

 

 

Your self esteem is very low or non existent, and you're very desperate to stay in an unhealthy unhappy relationship with alot of major issues and  problems, that you're uncomfortable and don't feel secure in...with someone who may be acting inappropriately with the mother of his child... possibly others.

 

 

 

There's no way that you should be engaged, thinking about marriage, there's no way that you two should conceive any children together.

 

There's no way that you should even be a stepmother to his child.

 

You can't wish his child or the mother away.

 

They're permanent.

 

 

You only want children with him to use to make her jealous, to trap him, and to recieve more attention from him.. because you're jealous.

 

You will regret not leaving.

You will regret marrying and having his children.

Things will only get worse if you stay.

 

This is not a situation you should stay in.

 

Go find your self esteem, self respect and self worth

And leave, go to therapy, and date someone without children or exes in their life.

 

 

There are plenty of people who would treat you right and cherish you.

 

 

He doesn't.

 

You don't even love yourself.

 

Go learn to love yourself