Boyfriend talks a lot about past crushes

[Angel_325]

Hi all, looking for some advice. I've been dating my current boyfriend for 5 months, male 32 years old. He said he loves me and feels comfortable with me. Since we started dating he has somewhat frequently brought up girls that he used to like in the past. This usually comes out of nowhere and can be anything going back to high school days to his college days. For example he'll talk about his past crushes from those days and things that happened. Some of these girls ended up being his friends and the ones he tells me about never ended up being sexual encounters or relationships. It's almost like he's reminiscing about those days. I know he misses his college days a lot as he had a lot of fun in college.

When I asked him if he still has feelings for anybody in the past he said that he does not but that he does have memories. He said he does sometimes wonder what it would have been like had he not broken up with this person or gotten together with that person. I've asked him not to talk about it so much as it makes me feel awkward and he said he will town it down, but I wonder does that mean he's not over them or somehow want a to be with them? I do want to believe that he's over it like he said he is but I wonder if he's just simply not aware that he somehow is not.

[SooSad33]

21 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

When I asked him if he still has feelings for anybody in the past he said that he does not but that he does have memories. He said he does sometimes wonder what it would have been like had he not broken up with this person or gotten together with that person.

I think this is common for many.  Eg, where would I be today if things had actually worked out with my first ex ( father to my 2 oldest kids).  Or how would my life be if I had not ended things with some guy I really fancied 8 yrs ago.   ( yeah it's memories ). But, I would not want to be involved with them for real.

I think you did right by speaking up & asking him to not go on continously about all of that... you've made him aware it's kinda getting to you.

[Cherylyn]

It's not a matter of toning it down for you.  He should NEVER mention his past girlfriends, whom he dated or anything to do with them out of respect and consideration for you. 

Your boyfriend of 5 months doesn't sound like a great guy.  He hasn't moved on yet.  He's still living in the past. 

You deserve better.

 

 

[Lambert]

54 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

I've asked him not to talk about it so much as it makes me feel awkward and he said he will town it down, but I wonder does that mean he's not over them or somehow want a to be with them? I do want to believe that he's over it like he said he is but I wonder if he's just simply not aware that he somehow is not.

You asked him to stop.

Give him the chance to stop. If he does it again, break it off. 

[Angel_325]

39 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You asked him to stop.

Give him the chance to stop. If he does it again, break it off. 

Yes, indeed. But does bringing up this kind of stuff often mean he's not over them or is it simply just fond memories of his youthful days and innocent what ifs?

[HeartGoesOn]

At his age he should have enough class/common sense, etc to avoid this topic while knowing how disrespectful it comes across on your end.

Since you've only been together for five months, it may be helpful to not only listen to what he does say, but what he doesn't say.

[Tinydance]

46 minutes ago, Angel_325 said:

Yes, indeed. But does bringing up this kind of stuff often mean he's not over them or is it simply just fond memories of his youthful days and innocent what ifs?

I wouldn't necessarily think he's not over them but most likely he's just not very socially aware and has poor boundaries. I mean, it's not that likely that he would have feelings for girls he had a crush on in high school. He's 32 so high school was a very long time ago. Also even college was probably like ten years ago? 

I must admit it seems weird that he brings these things up often. I mean, why is he talking about girls he liked in high school? I hardly even think about people I liked in high school, let alone talk about them lol 

I guess sometimes people do bring up their ex's or crushes with their new partner but usually not often. And even if they do bring it up, it might only be for a specific reason. E.g. Maybe if their partner asked them a question and it required to mention their ex. E.g. "So did you live with housemates when you moved to X area?" - "No I lived with my ex". I don't think that usually the person would go into talking about their ex's in great detail. Normally people don't like talking about their ex coz obviously that relationship didn't work out.

Also there is a sort of unspoken rule that you shouldn't talk about your ex's to people you're dating. It's just poor form and most people know not to do it.

In terms of talking just about your past crushes, why? Lol I mean, if they were only a crush and not even a relationship, likely they weren't even a big part of his life. So why mention it like 20 + years later, especially to your partner?

I don't know, the whole thing just sounds odd...Also you have asked him to stop doing this (perfectly understandable). So he needs to stop because you've expressed how you feel. If he doesn't stop I'd be questioning why he doesn't respect what you asked. Which was a reasonable thing to ask.

[MissCanuck]

I am surprised that by the age of 32, he hasn't figured out that this sort of musing about other women is disrespectful to you. 

That to me suggests that he is not as invested in you as you are in him. Wondering about the past that much - aloud - indicates he's not fully present with you. I'm sorry. 

[Angel_325]

He was in college more recently as he graduated when he was 25 so some of these experiences are more recent for him as he also kept in touch with many of these people until a few years ago. Now many of them are Facebook friends but he doesn't log on to Facebook very often at all.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Angel_325 said:

He was in college more recently as he graduated when he was 25 so some of these experiences are more recent for him as he also kept in touch with many of these people until a few years ago. Now many of them are Facebook friends but he doesn't log on to Facebook very often at all.

Yeah but are some of those college crushes he told you about on his Facebook? Does he think you really want to know he crushed on women he actually has on social media? Maybe it would be different if he said he had a crush on Angelina Jolie or some other celebrity but these are actual real women he knows and *could* talk to.

The thing is, having crushes can be normal. People in relationships can still find someone else attractive and that's OK if they don't actually do anything about it. It's just very poor form and inconsiderate to tell your partner about all the crushes you had. Especially if some of the crushes are actually their friends. I mean who wants to hear this?

[Kwothe28]

Its "guys locker room talk" OP. Meaning something we guys talk when we get together. "OMG bro you know how I hooked up with that girl, how she has good sex skills" etc. Its widely innapropriate for him to have those kinds of talks with you as his girlfriend. I know some couples like to exchange sexual stories, but most people just dont enjoy knowing that stuff about their partner. So he is widely innapropriate there and you were right for calling him out.

Thing is, I dont believe people "without filter" who blurt stuff like that can change. Whether its about gossips and rumors, or about their own sexual escapades. They are just like that. So, I dont think he can change and that you can expect same kind of behavior in future.

[DarkCh0c0]

May I ask how old are you?

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

 He should NEVER mention his past girlfriends, whom he dated or anything to do with them out of respect and consideration for you

I agree. At his age specially, he should know better. The fact he does this shows a lack of maturity from his end.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

 he said he will town it down, but I wonder does that mean he's not over them.

Sorry this is happening. He seems a bit old for this. Or perhaps he is living in the past too much.

Ask him point blank next time "why are you telling me all this nonsense?". Let him reflect and squirm. He's being quite rude to you marginalising you in favor of his daydreams.

Unfortunately he seems morbidly insecure, so much so that it's doing a number on your budding relationship. Reflect if someone not only living in the past, but blathering on about it is someone worth your while.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

When I asked him if he still has feelings for anybody in the past he said that he does not but that he does have memories. He said he does sometimes wonder what it would have been like had he not broken up with this person or gotten together with that person. I've asked him not to talk about it so much as it makes me feel awkward and he said he will town it down, but I wonder does that mean he's not over them or somehow want a to be with them? I do want to believe that he's over it like he said he is but I wonder if he's just simply not aware that he somehow is not.

These sorts of conversations are for friends or buddies he has not for his girlfriend -if he discusses at all.  He's quite aware he's being tactless and thoughtless and is oversharing because he doesn't care enough about whether it could hurt your feelings. 

Yes, I think it's fine to bring up past activities where a crush or an ex might have been present.  Here's how I try to do it "yes when I was in [foreign country] I went to [place]" -if my husband doesn't know for sure I was there with an ex I will share that-if he does know I'll take care not to mention if I think it might remind him I was there with a boyfriend. 

Like I know he went to Europe and on a cruise with exes.  He knows I know that. So if he references an activity he did or an experience he had I might "know" that his ex was there too but I also know he's referencing it for a separate reason and not to hurt my feelings or conjure up an ex. 

But, last week my friend and I were talking about our high school boyfriends and I sent her a photo of the boyfriend I had when I was 14 - from his company website -now in his 50s.  I'd never dream of having that conversation with my husband. 

My distant cousin recently sent me a photo from a family event where I was standing next to him -I was 16.  Truth is I had a crush on him at that event.  I showed the family photo to my son and husband but without mentioning the crush.  Because I care, I know better than to mention a long ago crush because even though it was over 40 years ago it's tactless to mention.  Why go there? 

Your boyfriend either has really poor social skills and/or sees you mostly as a buddy he can share these sorts of things with.  I'd give him a chance to stop being so boorish and see what happens.  

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

Yes, indeed. But does bringing up this kind of stuff often mean he's not over them or is it simply just fond memories of his youthful days and innocent what ifs?

Only he knows for sure. But it could be signs of immaturity or lack of compassion for others.  I mean really you don't have to be a genius to know you should not tell your current partner about past crushes. Could he be manipulative enough to be doing this to create insecurities in you for his own benefit? 

Now that you've told him to stop, how he responds will tell you everything you need to know... mainly do your feelings matter to him.

This guy might be a loser. At 32, really this is how he is? ugh

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

He was in college more recently as he graduated when he was 25 so some of these experiences are more recent for him as he also kept in touch with many of these people until a few years ago. Now many of them are Facebook friends but he doesn't log on to Facebook very often at all.

Try not to make excuses for bad behavior. People know what they do and say 

[tattoobunnie]

So when a hot girl wants into a room, does he point them out, so he can stare at them, and not look like a bad guy?  This is his line of reasoning.  It's called filtering.  I don't need to know what my children or husband or dogs are thinking about every moment, and neither do you.

If he brings up a crush that he is now friends with again, "How about that BBC," and change the subject.  If you aren't sure what that means, google it, when you're alone 🤣. 

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

"How about that BBC," and change the subject

Why would she want to talk about British television? Oh...

😂

[moodindigo91]

Honestly, unlike most others, I don't see anything really repulsive or disrespectful about talking about your life prior to meeting your current partner. I mean, should we really just pretend we didn't have crushes or previous partners when we get with a new one? Personally, it seems more immature to me to become upset or uncomfortable with this. If you truly want to have an open and honest relationship with your partner, I don't understand the requirement to censor certain things about their past because it makes you paranoid.

I do agree that if you told him directly it makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable and asked him to tone it down, then he should oblige if he does love you and respect you. If he doesn't tone it down, then I would reconsider this relationship. 

I think, if you're worried about your boyfriend's loyalty, that's a separate problem. You should feel secure with him, and if you don't, you shouldn't be with him. 

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Honestly, unlike most others, I don't see anything really repulsive or disrespectful about talking about your life prior to meeting your current partner. I mean, should we really just pretend we didn't have crushes or previous partners when we get with a new one? Personally, it seems more immature to me to become upset or uncomfortable with this. If you truly want to have an open and honest relationship with your partner, I don't understand the requirement to censor certain things about their past because it makes you paranoid.

I do agree that if you told him directly it makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable and asked him to tone it down, then he should oblige if he does love you and respect you. If he doesn't tone it down, then I would reconsider this relationship. 

I think, if you're worried about your boyfriend's loyalty, that's a separate problem. You should feel secure with him, and if you don't, you shouldn't be with him. 

For me it's about TMI ala the Carly Simon song "We Have No Secrets" and you can't unring the bell. 

So in my relationships and my marriage it would be tactless for us to share/overshare about crushing on a real person -if I referenced that I had a John Stamos poster in my bedroom growing up (yup - in the 1980s) I mean that would just be cute/funny or that I had a crush on my middle school science teacher who moonlighted as the pizza delivery boy etc - but there's a limit and I think it's so very important that partners have private areas and spaces of their lives. 

I mean some couples hang out in the bathroom together and chat and others close the door and don't even want to be spoken to through the door. 

If I had a crush on someone I would not tell my partner and my partner wouldn't ask me if I have a crush on anyone nor would I ask him without really good reason (and we've never had that reason). 

But I might tell my sister -she had a crush when she was married on a doctor and told me but not her husband -but it was harmless -he never knew and she never acted on it.  I can't imagine why she would have told her husband in the name of "openness".  

To me it's not censoring because it's about tact, and care, and thoughtfulness.  It's about those positive attributes of giving to your partner the care and respect he deserves.  And sometimes that means not indulging in verbal diarrhea.

To me it's not censoring when I don't express an emotion I am feeling at that moment because my partner is on a business call or preoccupied with his own stuff and so I restrain myself and share later (or not at all if it was a frustration thing and I resolve it on my own). 

The OP's boyfriend has no filter - he spews out whatever he's feeling about his past crushes to the woman he is supposed to be committed to and desires and wants to be with. 

We sometimes reference exes, in context, - but it would be insane for either of us to reference how we felt about the ex or felt about our sex life with our ex or if we ever wondered "what if".  I mean insane -my husband would look at me like I had two heads because he knows I would never disrespect him in that way. 

Over the years I am sure I've had conversations with my sister, with close friends about the what if stuff, about past crushes and how cute they were- we reminisce, we tell stories and those are stories that no I would not want my husband to hear -not because I am doing anything wrong because he, unlike my big sister, could take it the wrong way and start thinking things or assuming things that simply weren't true.

  Why -in the name of openness? I respect couples who are happy being open and saying whatever comes to their minds no matter what -no filter, no TMI -because to them that is they way they express intimacy.  I actually don't know any couples personally like that -I know of couples who share their bodies with others while their partners watch so I mean at that point sure talk about the minutae of any crushes that resulted - but in most relationships I know being open about crushes and commenting sexually on other people to or in front of your partner is jerky behavior and especially if it's in the name of "just being honest." Right.  

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Angel_325 said:

I've asked him not to talk about it so much as it makes me feel awkward and he said he will town it down, but I wonder does that mean he's not over them or somehow want a to be with them?

You've already spoken to him, giving he the benefit of the doubt that it's a bad habit. However whatever the reason is whether living in his heyday, past whatever, it's disrespectful and has nothing to do with insecurity or jealousy on your part, just rudeness on his. It's possible he fancies himself some wannabe stud but really isn't and never was.

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for others. 

In most cases,  tact goes a long way in order to have a harmonious, very peaceful relationship.  It's a matter of showing respect and consideration for the other person.  If a person knows that certain subjects are uncomfortable and insensitive, common sense would dictate not to mention it nor mention it repetitively.  It's considered poor taste and very tacky.  Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

People can call it 'insecure,' 'jealousy' or whatever but I truly doubt your boyfriend would appreciate it should you give him a taste of his own medicine.  I'm sure there are topics which would make him squirm,  wince,  cringe and he wouldn't feel respected by you.  How would he like it?  He would be singing a different tune if you were to dispense  'free for all' comments right to his face.  He can dish it out but he can't take it.  🙄

If this is such an issue with you,  perhaps you need to be with the type of boyfriend who will treat you the way you would treat him which is mutual respect and love.  It's rather simple and not that complicated. 

You can't change your boyfriend.  A leopard cannot change its spots.  Either accept your boyfriend warts and all or find a moral replacement someday.  It's not rocket science. 

[Andrina]

What has been his relationship history/his longest relationship? 

Since you say this is frequent, well, people talk about what's on their minds. And a harem of women is what's on his mind. If he hasn't had a history of longterm relationships, perhaps he has that grass is always greener on the other side syndrome, in that when that new spark wears thin, evolving into the next serious level doesn't do anything for him. There is always the titillation of other unexplored territory, which takes the form of fantasies ongoing in his mind of those ladies from his past.

That comment about "toning it down?" Yeah, he won't completely stop then, so it's like an addiction. Good luck with him and his virtual harem.

[Cherylyn]

Toning it down?  How about "shut up" instead? 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

should we really just pretend we didn't have crushes or previous partners when we get with a new one?

Nobody suggested he should. 

This man lacks a filter. That is not the same as pretending not to have a past. It's a question of respect for his girlfriend. A man without a filter at 32 is a red flag. Take it from those of us old and experienced enough to see it.