My ex from 9 years ago got married

[brainfog2.0]

I'm a bit of a mess thoughts wise since... I haven't spoken to her physically in about 4 or 5 years, and the last interaction I had with her was when she congratulated me on my due child round then too, to which I just said "thanks"...

I am in a stable relationship over 8 years, due to be married, have 2 kids now, but this just hit me and I don't know why...

It's not even a case of wanting to get back with her, things fizzled out, I wasn't the nicest at the time, looking back we were different people, and I also found out a few things at the end which in my books is emotional cheating, where if it was me doing it I would be shouted at, and she hid it. 

My only guess is I got this info and it's hurting as she's doing stuff with her life that I want to do.... she lives in a foreign city which I am too, but somewhere I always mentioned I wanted to do a year or 2 in. She's gotten married where I don't have the funds to between a house and two kids. Her husband is this super successful dude her earns loads of cash by the sounds of it, I'm not hugely bad off but, I'm not where I want to be in life yet (I'm thinking this is a jealous much aspect to it too).

There must be still some resentment there subconsciously brewing away. If it were me, I'd be happy not to hear about here ever again. But we tried to do the "cool breakup" thing where we be friends afterwards, until I sussed it was very much friends on her terms. I started cooling things on the friends front, she had also moved away too, but the straw that broke the camels back was her giving out to me for going away with someone over a year and a half after our breakup and I didn't let her know and she had to find out through Facebook (bearing in mind she had been with 2 or 3 guys that we never spoke about and I never brought up).

Trying this friends thing mean a lot of people don't know all of the above and think we still are friends, so I always get asked about her by them... where I say "no idea, I haven't spoken to her in years"...

My brain is on overdrive thinking of her the last few days... good things, bad things... how do I switch these off, I don't want to waste time giving her bandwidth in my brain, I have far more important things to be focussing on.

Any insights greatly appreciated, be as harsh as required (roast me) as I know how ridiculous this is

 

 

[Lambert]

10 minutes ago, brainfog2.0 said:

how do I switch these off, I don't want to waste time giving her bandwidth in my brain, I have far more important things to be focussing on.

Any insights greatly appreciated, be as harsh as required (roast me) as I know how ridiculous this is

You just keep pushing the thoughts out of your mind by telling your self over and over none of this actually matters or effects your life in any way.  

It is ridiculous but also normal to have a weird reaction when the news hits. In some ways it's immature and a bit of an out of control ego to let something like this really bother you. 

A little sting, a weird feeling, sure. but dwelling on it when you have your own life to live?  looks like your searching for a way to put yourself down which is also very ego driven. 

Try to snap out of it. It really should be that easy. 

[Kwothe28]

I think its just the case of "jealousy". She lives in a foreign city, due to marry some rich dude. While you are there with 2 kids, loans and all others problems. She has all those nice things(at least on paper) while you are just "stuck" there. 

And I think its worth exploring why you are having those thoughts. For example, are you unhappy with your life? How is a relationship with your girlfriend? Kids? Its worth exploring why you think she marrying somebody else after 9 years from your relationship is having you thinking how her life is "better". And what can you work in your own life to make it more happy.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, brainfog2.0 said:

she's doing stuff with her life that I want to do....

Delete and block her from all your social media and focus on your current relationship. While the news of an ex remarrying can sting, you're following this a bit too closely and even competitively.

[Batya33]

Agree with the above.  Why can't you afford to get married? Are marriage licenses/marriage officiants really expensive?

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, brainfog2.0 said:

hurting as she's doing stuff with her life that I want to do....

It's not really about her.

How's your life currently? Are you actively going on dates with your partner? Why have you not married before? (Without a big expensive party) Are you not planning on taking the kids and traveling soon?

[tattoobunnie]

4 hours ago, brainfog2.0 said:

She's gotten married where I don't have the funds...Her husband...earns loads of cash

You're just jealous.  

You have money for town hall (I mean the cat is out of the bag; you don't need her dad giving her away), and when you can, have a anniversary reception down the road.

You've outgrown her...delete and block.  You don't need "exes" as a fake friend.  Pay attention to friends and family you actual hang out with.  Toss any wedding invite you get from someone you haven't spoken with in half a decade out the window!

[MissCanuck]

I think this has little to do with her, as an ex. 

It has everything to do with not being that happy with your own position in life. However, since seeing her happy is a trigger, I would cut any point of contact - including social media. 

 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, brainfog2.0 said:

It's not even a case of wanting to get back with her, things fizzled out, I wasn't the nicest at the time, looking back we were different people, and I also found out a few things at the end which in my books is emotional cheating, where if it was me doing it I would be shouted at, and she hid it. 

My only guess is I got this info and it's hurting as she's doing stuff with her life that I want to do.... she lives in a foreign city which I am too, but somewhere I always mentioned I wanted to do a year or 2 in. She's gotten married where I don't have the funds to between a house and two kids. Her husband is this super successful dude her earns loads of cash by the sounds of it, I'm not hugely bad off but, I'm not where I want to be in life yet (I'm thinking this is a jealous much aspect to it too).

There must be still some resentment there subconsciously brewing away. If it were me, I'd be happy not to hear about here ever again. But we tried to do the "cool breakup" thing where we be friends afterwards, until I sussed it was very much friends on her terms. I started cooling things on the friends front, she had also moved away too, but the straw that broke the camels back was her giving out to me for going away with someone over a year and a half after our breakup and I didn't let her know and she had to find out through Facebook

Yup, I see it as some jealousy & resentment.

Is time to just stop it all with her.  No reason to try and be 'a friend'....

Time to focus fully on YOU and your own life.  She's been gone a good while now.  And yeah, I agree, the less you know, the better!

Just see this as, she is your EX and for reason's!  That time is gone, one should be all okay & over one's past by this time.

As asked, is there a lot of negativity going on in your own life atm?  Are you truly 'happy'?  Any ways you can work on improving this?

I've got a few ex's and I know those relationship's failed for reason's.  I am still reeling a little over my last ex- but only because I tend to see him around more than I'd like to 😕 .

Either way, this is MY life and I know we're done now.

Maybe consider some therapy, if you find this is eating you up inside too much.

[brainfog2.0]

Just want to clarify, I've been off social media around 3 years now, came off it shortly after the "congrats" from her (she followed me, I didn't follow her, so couldn't see any of her content).

I came off facebook 2 or 3 years after we broke up (so 6? years ago)

I also came off social media for different reasons, not specifically her. 

Hence more the reason why it's bugging me as to why I care at all..

I think you all could be right with the jealousy and things not being great in my life atm... I'm in a bit of a rut... maybe it was the wrong news at the wrong time

[brainfog2.0]

also to clarify, I know marriage is easy and cheap to do, but it's the ceremony we'd like we can't afford at the moment.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, brainfog2.0 said:

also to clarify, I know marriage is easy and cheap to do, but it's the ceremony we'd like we can't afford at the moment.

Can you get married and have the big party later?

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, brainfog2.0 said:

also to clarify, I know marriage is easy and cheap to do, but it's the ceremony we'd like we can't afford at the moment.

You mean the party to celebrate the marriage.  If you want to be married you can do a renewal of the vows and have the party later at that time.  

[Cherylyn]

If friendship with your ex bothers you so much, tell her that it's best to amicably part ways such as no more contact including social media, cell phone, etc.  Wish her all the best and tell her it's time to go your separate ways permanently.  Do it with mutual respect.  Sign off with "Thank you and sincerely, Your Name."

Envy and jealousy are normal feelings.  It's best for you to take the "out of sight,  out of mind" route. 

My advice would be to concentrate on being a great fiancee,  husband  and father because nothing else matters.  They deserve your undivided attention.  Get serious about focusing on what truly matters which is your young family.  Be devoted and loyal to them with all your heart.  💓