Should I Apologize?

[Josh1]

I am currently in a situation were me and my ex Bria (Using fake name for story) have been talking a lot for the past months. We dated 3 years ago and have been friends. We talk pretty much everyday, even goes to sleep on the phone. We have had talks of rekindling our relationship but there is a stalemate. When we broke up in 2019, i did move on 5 months later and met a new woman. We ended up dating and the situation looks as if i cheated on Bria. I have said numerous of times that i did not and have admitted to moving on fast. She wants me to apologize and i have a hard time of apologizing for this situation. Not because I'm prideful, but my character and integrity is in play. I would be apologizing for cheating and i absolutely didn't. What should i do? 

[Seraphim]

Nope, don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for you were broken up. She is ridiculous. I wouldn’t get back together. How fast you moved on has NOTHING to do with her and nor is it cheating. Ridiculous. 

[moodindigo91]

Exes are exes for a reason!

[Coily]

This is definitely a head scratcher, though it sounds like B is wanting to hold this non-cheating over your head for future use. Thus my natural inclination is to not apologize whatsoever, especially it being 5 months before you entered a new relationship. I think you need to have a long face to face discussion with her, and if she brings up this topic, walk her through the timeline.

On the other hand, you could apologize, but as it would be disingenuous it could cause more problems with trust down the road. Especially if you get labeled a cheater when it comes to fights. I think you two, if you want to try and get back together, need to set out some boundaries over this topic.

Bottom line, I wouldn't violate my honor by apologizing for something I didn't do.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Josh1 said:

We dated 3 years ago and have been friends. We talk pretty much everyday, even goes to sleep on the phone. She wants me to apologize and i have a hard time of apologizing for this situation. 

What was the reason for the breakup? How old is she? Who contacted whom and why?  Are either of you recently broken up with someone?

When was the last time you saw each other in person? Why are you chatting 24/7?  Is this a distance thing. 

Why would an ex from 3 years ago want you to apologize when you weren't even together? And even more bizarre, accuse you of cheating?

Perhaps this jealousy, ego and possessiveness is the reason you broke up and you are revisiting major flaws in her personality? Whenever an ex contact someone it's for their own reasons such as ego, dry spell, striking out everywhere, etc.

 never stay friends with exes or worse, play truth or dare with TMI.

[smackie9]

Was this Bria a long distance relationship?

[Josh1]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Was this Bria a long distance relationship?

Yes but we saw each other regularly 

[Josh1]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the reason for the breakup? How old is she? Who contacted whom and why?  Who contacted whom and why?

When was the last time you saw each other in person? Why are you chatting 24/7?  Is this a distance thing. 

Why would an ex from 3 years ago want you to apologize when you weren't even together? And even more bizarre, accuse you of cheating?

Perhaps this jealousy, ego and possessiveness is the reason you broke up and you are revisiting major flaws in her personality? Whenever an ex contact someone it's for their own reasons such as ego, dry spell, striking out everywhere, etc.

 never stay friends with exes or worse, play truth or dare with TMI.

What was the reason for the breakup? Manily maturity issues with arguments. We were 21 and 20 then

How old is she? She is 24 now and i am 25

Who contacted whom and why? it was mutual. we just started to be friends a while ago

Both been single for a while

When was the last time you saw each other in person? christmas of last year

Why are you chatting 24/7? just talking being friends

Is this a distance thing? yes

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

She still has immaturity issues if she feels you cheated 5 months after a break up. I wouldn’t revisit this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Josh1 said:

Is this a distance thing? yes

Then move on. It's not working. Why be stuck in this standoff with a chatbuddy when you could be happy meeting and dating local women who aren't holding some sort of irrational grudge?

[Cherylyn]

There is nothing to apologize for.  You dated AFTER the breakup.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Your moving on quickly post-breakup is irrelevant for an unnecessary apology.  Moving on fast was your prerogative.  Bria has no right to control what you've done post-breakup.  She was free to do whatever she wanted post-breakup as well. 

Reconsider rekindling your relationship with Bria. 

Tell her exactly what I wrote.  Then determine your next course of action or non-action.

[catfeeder]

Anyone who'd use Any Thing from my past to manipulate me going in would be left in my rearview mirror, because that kind of blackmail would never be satisfied, even if I caved. It's just a preview of the next condition and the next condition for a harmony that would never come.

I'd tell ex, "I adore you, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If you ever find yourself free of any resentments from the past, and you'd like to try reconciling with a clean slate, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best, and I don't want to continue our contact."

Done. You've left the door open a crack, but it's up to her whether she'll ever rethink her position to walk through it. If not, you've dodged a bullet.

[Blacksheep09]

When you are legitimately broken up then the other person doesn't actually get a say in what you do. They can observe your behaviors and make a decision whether or not they want to be with you but they cannot get mad about what you did while you were single. Maturity is needed to understand that though. 

[Kwothe28]

Is her real name Rachel and your name Ross? Because you seem very adamant that "you were on a break" and she wants you to apologize. 😂

You didnt do anything wrong to apologize. But if you want that relationship you would probably have to apologize. Even if you didnt do anything wrong. That is how it goes usually. However, you would have to wonder if she cant even undertand that you were long broke up before next one came along, what else she would want you to apologize for. If she is jealous and petty about that, what is next thing that she would want? Now its some ex after her, next is maybe your female friend or colleague. So think good enough before you cross the line and make it OK for her to draw another line in the sand.

[tattoobunnie]

I few months after I broke up with my now husband when we were teens, he started dated my buddy.  I found out going to her bday party, and I was so mad, I wanted to punch him (which I didn't of course).  But I would never ever think I needed an apology for that choice.

You did nothing wrong.

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

if you want that relationship you would probably have to apologize.

Why on earth?

Apologize when he didn't do anything wrong just to kowtow to this woman and try to get her to accept him back? That's a flimsy basis for a relationship.

I strongly disagree with apologizing as a way to try to get her back. 

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why on earth?

Apologize when he didn't do anything wrong just to kowtow to this woman and try to get her to accept him back? That's a flimsy basis for a relationship.

I strongly disagree with apologizing as a way to try to get her back. 

Well, because she seems adamant in him doing it. 

I do agree that he shouldnt. Just saying that if he does wants to patch things up, he probably would have to. Which doesnt mean he should do it, again, dont think it would bring him good even if they get back together when she is like that for something that happened after they broke up.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is her real name Rachel and your name Ross? Because you seem very adamant that "you were on a break" and she wants you to apologize. 😂

You didn't do anything wrong to apologize. But if you want that relationship you would probably have to apologize. Even if you didn't do anything wrong. That is how it goes usually. However, you would have to wonder if she cant even understand that you were long broke up before next one came along, what else she would want you to apologize for. If she is jealous and petty about that, what is next thing that she would want? Now its some ex after her, next is maybe your female friend or colleague. So think good enough before you cross the line and make it OK for her to draw another line in the sand.

I've apologized despite not doing anything wrong in order to get back into someone's good graces.  While it worked temporarily,  I became very bitter and resentful for apologizing for something I did not do nor should I be blamed for their offense.  I wasn't at fault.  In fact, the other person was the one who committed the offense yet I acquiesced and apologized in order to make amends.  I even went so far as to apologize yet again for the second offense.  I swallowed my pride by being very humble for the sake of harmony.  I'm not doing it anymore.  Forget it.  I shouldn't have apologized in the first place.

The problem with apologizing and going this route was I felt as if I had to sell my soul in order be well liked and win approval.  Granted,  it worked but I was unhappy because I am the one who was owed the apology,  not they.  The perpetrator never took responsibility for their part in the fragile and damaged relationship.  I tried to put on a brave face all the while to no avail.  However, there was peace and good times as long as it was on their terms only.  😡

Then the third offense happened yet again.  This time,  I absolutely refused to budge.  I refuse to apologize yet again and an apology from me will never be forthcoming in a million years.  No way.  I'm digging my heels on this one.  I will adhere to the principle of the matter.  If anything, the perpetrator owes ME a sincere apology in order to make amends,  not the other way around.  I'm not getting this twisted as I had done before.  Since the perpetrator is forever in denial mode and would never admit to anything ever,  I've hit a wall with them.  Estrangement is the result but at least there is peace albeit not optimal peace.  Nonetheless,  I'm quite adamant this time around and will never back down as I had done in the past.  No deal.  I'm out.  If they're too stupid to realize how to behave properly,  then I'm too stupid to engage in a relationship with them.  We can be peaceful as long as we don't bother each other anymore. 

No matter who it is,  some relationships were not meant to be.  There are personality and character differences.  There's lack of empathy and lack of emotional intelligence.  Some people are fine as acquaintances but anymore than that?  No, it won't work. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Josh1 said:

When we broke up in 2019, i did move on 5 months later and met a new woman. We ended up dating and the situation looks as if i cheated on Bria. I have said numerous of times that i did not and have admitted to moving on fast. She wants me to apologize and i have a hard time of apologizing for this situation.

Nothing to apologize for.  You did not cheat fps- it was 5 mos later!

IF Bria can't accept this, then there's no hope in any this happening successfully again.

And if either of you are seeing this communication as chance, then maybe it's time to let go & move on.

[Josh1]

I appreciate the replies. i was just making sure i wasn't crazy

[smackie9]

There's nothing to rekindle here if she thinks you are a cheater. LDR's take a lot of trust, and she didn't trust you or your word. You are not crazy she is, for coming up with such silly stuff. That's where her head is at....run for the hills mate. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Josh1 said:

Manily maturity issues

Guess what? They're still there. 

You have nothing to apologize for. I would move on and drop the idea of getting back together. That's a door that should remain closed. 

[Cherylyn]

If you are to blame,  yes,  of course apologize.  However,  if it's NOT your fault,  NEVER apologize at the cost of your dignity. 

A few years ago,  I naively thought that I should be the bigger person by apologizing for the sake of rebuilding rapport.  I tried to smooth things over despite NOT being at fault.  How ridiculous was that?  Granted,  it worked for a while until the next offense was committed by the same perpetrator and apologizing yet again quickly grew wary and jaded.  There will come a day when you realize that you must adamantly adhere to the principle of the matter otherwise you're disrespecting yourself and the perpetrator is playing you for a fool.  

NOT apologizing and parting ways is the harsh consequence for bad behavior.  By not apologizing,  you are letting the perpetrator know they can't get away with it. 

Many times estrangement is the only way to obtain peace.  No one bothers each other anymore going this route.

Some relationships hit a wall no matter whom you're with.  It could be a relationship, friendship, relative, in-law, it doesn't matter.  Personality and character differences clash.  Empathy and emotional intelligence are sorely lacking.  You'll feel disgusted by their ignorance, apathy and indifference.  It's time to make your exit in order to attain peace of mind.   

[catfeeder]

While I agree with not apologizing, which of you initiated that breakup?

If it was her, I'd double down on not apologizing, to say the least.

[lostandhurt]

If you went out and had sex the week after that would be moving on fast but it still would not be cheating.  The relationship was over.

Not sure what time frame she wanted you to follow so it wouldn't be cheating in her eyes but clearly you have matured and she has not.

 If you truly think this could work out this time tell her straight out. "I will not lie just to get back together with you, I didn't cheat on you ever and if that is how you view me then even a friendship is not possible"

Take a stand for goodness sake.  Someone is calling you a cheater!

Lost