Despite having feelings, he chose to end it. Confusing situation.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Also, quite important. He told me at some point during our discussion that in the other two relationships he had, he also didn't know if he wanted to commit 100%. And that his last gf kind of pressured him to be together. He basically transmitted me that he has this fear that a relationship would hinder him from attaining some goals, that he would eventually lose his freedom. 

So he told you ahead of time that a relationship was not in the cards.

I wouldn't spend much time evaluating if you could have changed the outcome. He apparently does this regularly. It's not anything you did "wrong".

But next time a guy gives you a bunch of disclaimers I'd suggest steering clear. Those types of men are not relationship material.

[Chaeryoung]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So he told you ahead of time that a relationship was not in the cards.

I wouldn't spend much time evaluating if you could have changed the outcome. He apparently does this regularly. It's not anything you did "wrong".

But next time a guy gives you a bunch of disclaimers I'd suggest steering clear. Those types of men are not relationship material.

He seemed confused from the beginning. He told me that he would like to have a relationship as well based on how he feels around the girl. I don't know. I mean, I also suppose he got scared I guess. Maybe he is afraid of committing. As I said in a previous comment, why was he so crushed that things ended? Why did he cry that hard? Because he doesn't care or wanted to play me only? I don't know. I am confused as well. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

He is very adventurous as a person. He enjoys doing things that get him out of his comfort zone. 

That's great for him, but why be just another adventure when you would prefer a committed relationship?

Make your life and choices about what you want not what others talk a big talk about.

Frankly who cares what he wants, thinks, etc. etc.? You had sex and then he dumped you. Unfortunately happens all the time.

 The key is to avoid "confused" men.  They are not that confused if they know how to hookup then make up an exit excuse.

[boltnrun]

He still chose to leave despite the tears and being "crushed". So that's the reality.

I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed.

[mylolita]

Evening Nagisa!

 

I’m sorry you are hurting.

 

My experience with men is - when they are serious about you they will let you know by their actions. For a start, they will take you off the market straight away! No hesitation!

 

Men who also respect you and are in love with you quite often are in no rush for immediate sex. They adore you and realise they need to tread carefully to not put a foot wrong! They also want to get to know you, in a massively genuine way, so sex takes a back burner.

 

I would be so wary of any guy professing love and talk of relationships and futures but who jumps into the sack with you the very moment he gets.

 

If he was true to his word, he would have been blown away by his luck in finding you, nervous with butterflies, asking you to be his girlfriend! 
 

I am sorry this didn’t work out but you can learn from this! Know what you want, go after it, and know when you see it isn’t the thing your heart desires! 
 

 As much as it hurts now, I think in a few months time you will be able to look back with clarity.

 

I would also say, as tempting as it might be, don’t stay friends with him and don’t contact him or let him be contacting you back and forth x 

[Chaeryoung]

6 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Evening Nagisa!

 

I’m sorry you are hurting.

 

My experience with men is - when they are serious about you they will let you know by their actions. For a start, they will take you off the market straight away! No hesitation!

 

Men who also respect you and are in love with you quite often are in no rush for immediate sex. They adore you and realise they need to tread carefully to not put a foot wrong! They also want to get to know you, in a massively genuine way, so sex takes a back burner.

 

I would be so wary of any guy professing love and talk of relationships and futures but who jumps into the sack with you the very moment he gets.

 

If he was true to his word, he would have been blown away by his luck in finding you, nervous with butterflies, asking you to be his girlfriend! 
 

I am sorry this didn’t work out but you can learn from this! Know what you want, go after it, and know when you see it isn’t the thing your heart desires! 
 

 As much as it hurts now, I think in a few months time you will be able to look back with clarity.

 

I would also say, as tempting as it might be, don’t stay friends with him and don’t contact him or let him be contacting you back and forth x 

I very much appreciate your answer. Thank you. Actually many thanks to everyone 

[Batya33]

He’s not confused. Not sure means No. like Lolita wrote a man who wants to be with you or sees potential wants to make sure he makes that crystal clear so he doesn’t let his special gal get snapped up by someone else. 
everyone at some points wants instant gratification and wants it all etc. it’s normal.  But when you find someone special you’re willing to wait and let things develop and deal with obstacles and mundane stuff with your eye on the prize. 
here’s how it typically should go more or less.  with rare exception.  Using as example when my future husband and I got back together after years apart.
him: “do you want to get back together ?”  Me: (paused 30 -60 seconds a little scared a little teary). Yes!  
Then a 2-3 minute conversation where we clarified:  exclusivity. Both wanting eventual marriage and family. Me willing to relocate for his career. We were going to be long distance on and off - another obstacle.

We were romantic and affectionate and sexual and because we knew this could be forever we waited another few months to have sex. we wanted to be sure this time was for real.
He asked me to get back together on our third time in a month hanging out and we kissed for the first time that third night. 

to me that’s the clarity you want. I’d say over the past 17 years we’ve done a lot of self reflection and finding ourselves and personal growth.  While we were a committed couple.  Of course both can happen.  Were we ever confused ?  Sure I guess so. But our foundation is and was rock solid. So confusion meant working it out together.  Personal growth meant personal but also for the good of the family.

I’m 56 and I grow and evolve and reflect and self evaluate regularly. When I’m confused I sit with it. When I want adventure I see how I can find that.
But my relationship and family are my top priority. I often want what I want “right now “. I mean you do you - and let this guy do his thing and be in the throes of “confusion “ but I think getting something special after waiting is much more satisfying. 

[Chaeryoung]

Thank you very much for everything you said. I guess it's also a blow to my self-esteem the fact that he didn't choose to be with me regardless of anything

[Chaeryoung]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He’s not confused. Not sure means No. like Lolita wrote a man who wants to be with you or sees potential wants to make sure he makes that crystal clear so he doesn’t let his special gal get snapped up by someone else. 
everyone at some points wants instant gratification and wants it all etc. it’s normal.  But when you find someone special you’re willing to wait and let things develop and deal with obstacles and mundane stuff with your eye on the prize. 
here’s how it typically should go more or less.  with rare exception.  Using as example when my future husband and I got back together after years apart.
him: “do you want to get back together ?”  Me: (paused 30 -60 seconds a little scared a little teary). Yes!  
Then a 2-3 minute conversation where we clarified:  exclusivity. Both wanting eventual marriage and family. Me willing to relocate for his career. We were going to be long distance on and off - another obstacle.

We were romantic and affectionate and sexual and because we knew this could be forever we waited another few months to have sex. we wanted to be sure this time was for real.
He asked me to get back together on our third time in a month hanging out and we kissed for the first time that third night. 

to me that’s the clarity you want. I’d say over the past 17 years we’ve done a lot of self reflection and finding ourselves and personal growth.  While we were a committed couple.  Of course both can happen.  Were we ever confused ?  Sure I guess so. But our foundation is and was rock solid. So confusion meant working it out together.  Personal growth meant personal but also for the good of the family.

I’m 56 and I grow and evolve and reflect and self evaluate regularly. When I’m confused I sit with it. When I want adventure I see how I can find that.
But my relationship and family are my top priority. I often want what I want “right now “. I mean you do you - and let this guy do his thing and be in the throes of “confusion “ but I think getting something special after waiting is much more satisfying. 

I cannot prevent myself from wondering where did I go wrong, why didn't he choose me. This self-doubt and questioning hurts like hell. 

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

He basically transmitted me that he has this fear that a relationship would hinder him from attaining some goals, that he would eventually lose his freedom. 

So, why did you believe him he wants a relationship at all in the first place? "Lose his freedom" should have been a red flag by itself. Its Ok that he wants his freedom, everybody wants that, nobody wants to be "trapped in a cage" when it comes to relationships. But he basically told you that he wants to go to Netherlands (pressumably Amsterdam for "doobie" and "Red Light District" I pressume) and you thought that kind of person would be ready for the relationship because he said that to you.

I am sorry you got dissapointed. Its just that my opinion is that, either because of infatuation or just not enough time, you didnt spend nearly enough time with him to see "red flags" or just didnt pay attention. And that you shouldnt do that next time when some next guy comes along.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Thank you very much for everything you said. I guess it's also a blow to my self-esteem the fact that he didn't choose to be with me regardless of anything

It's not you. He isn't interested in committing to anyone. He's into pretending to be some kind of wounded soul who's "scared" to commit or some kind of free spirit who just can't be tied down, when in reality he's using his schtick to get women to sleep with him. And his crocodile tears are apparently effective because he's got you believing he's so sad about how things turned out.

He's not the wonderful guy you thought he was. 

Good news is you didn't invest months or years in a dead end situation.

[Chaeryoung]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He’s not confused. Not sure means No. like Lolita wrote a man who wants to be with you or sees potential wants to make sure he makes that crystal clear so he doesn’t let his special gal get snapped up by someone else. 
everyone at some points wants instant gratification and wants it all etc. it’s normal.  But when you find someone special you’re willing to wait and let things develop and deal with obstacles and mundane stuff with your eye on the prize. 
here’s how it typically should go more or less.  with rare exception.  Using as example when my future husband and I got back together after years apart.
him: “do you want to get back together ?”  Me: (paused 30 -60 seconds a little scared a little teary). Yes!  
Then a 2-3 minute conversation where we clarified:  exclusivity. Both wanting eventual marriage and family. Me willing to relocate for his career. We were going to be long distance on and off - another obstacle.

We were romantic and affectionate and sexual and because we knew this could be forever we waited another few months to have sex. we wanted to be sure this time was for real.
He asked me to get back together on our third time in a month hanging out and we kissed for the first time that third night. 

to me that’s the clarity you want. I’d say over the past 17 years we’ve done a lot of self reflection and finding ourselves and personal growth.  While we were a committed couple.  Of course both can happen.  Were we ever confused ?  Sure I guess so. But our foundation is and was rock solid. So confusion meant working it out together.  Personal growth meant personal but also for the good of the family.

I’m 56 and I grow and evolve and reflect and self evaluate regularly. When I’m confused I sit with it. When I want adventure I see how I can find that.
But my relationship and family are my top priority. I often want what I want “right now “. I mean you do you - and let this guy do his thing and be in the throes of “confusion “ but I think getting something special after waiting is much more satisfying. 

 

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

It's not you. He isn't interested in committing to anyone. He's into pretending to be some kind of wounded soul who's "scared" to commit or some kind of free spirit who just can't be tied down, when in reality he's using his schtick to get women to sleep with him. And his crocodile tears are apparently effective because he's got you believing he's so sad about how things turned out.

He's not the wonderful guy you thought he was. 

Good news is you didn't invest months or years in a dead end situation.

I am very grateful that you guys are sharing your insights upon the situation. It helps tremendously. 

[Chaeryoung]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So, why did you believe him he wants a relationship at all in the first place? "Lose his freedom" should have been a red flag by itself. Its Ok that he wants his freedom, everybody wants that, nobody wants to be "trapped in a cage" when it comes to relationships. But he basically told you that he wants to go to Netherlands (pressumably Amsterdam for "doobie" and "Red Light District" I pressume) and you thought that kind of person would be ready for the relationship because he said that to you.

I am sorry you got dissapointed. Its just that my opinion is that, either because of infatuation or just not enough time, you didnt spend nearly enough time with him to see "red flags" or just didnt pay attention. And that you shouldnt do that next trime when some next guy comes along

I admit that I am still in the denial phase, but all that you're telling me makes so much sense. Deep down, I know that you are right. Thank you 

[Batya33]

I think you can choose a different reaction and not focus on phases with some one you met a handful of times.  It’s easier to make excuses about phases then to simply keep the mantra going of “confused means no” and put one foot in front of another.

Phases when someone you love dies or leaves you after a long marriage or relationship- I mean sure. It can happen. But don’t tell yourself stories about phases.  

Choose to move along.  It’s a choice. You’re a good person and you simply need to know your worth and your values and your goals and stick to them. 

[Cherylyn]

He's immature.  He is still a boy.  He's not a real man and hasn't grown up yet.  A real man is ready for a serious relationship and puts you on a pedestal.  Often times sincere intentions lead towards marriage. 

Your ex gave you all sorts of excuses in order to attain his freedom and you were just a bother.  You were getting in the way and considered his inconvenience.  He dumped you because it was easy so he could be free.  I'm sorry. 

Feel relieved that he's no more.  Why waste your precious time and energy on a guy who is unreliable and has no substance?  He's a flake.

Instead of ruminating over this, be glad and grateful that you dodged a bullet.  Don't waste anymore oxygen on him because he's not worth it.  Good riddance!

[Chaeryoung]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

He's immature.  He is still a boy.  He's not a real man and hasn't grown up yet.  A real man is ready for a serious relationship and puts you on a pedestal.  Often times sincere intentions lead towards marriage. 

Your ex gave you all sorts of excuses in order to attain his freedom and you were just a bother.  You were getting in the way and considered his inconvenience.  He dumped you because it was easy so he could be free.  I'm sorry. 

Feel relieved that he's no more.  Why waste your precious time and energy on a guy who is unreliable and has no substance?  He's a flake.

Instead of ruminating over this, be glad and grateful that you dodged a bullet.  Don't waste anymore oxygen on him because he's not worth it.  Good riddance!

Many thanks for your answer! 

[MissCanuck]

I don't think he is scared of losing his freedom. He's just a young guy out there having fun and wanting to experience different things and different women. 

I think he knew from the beginning that he didn't see long-term potential here so he essentially warned you in advance that he is not relationship material. If you are looking for a boyfriend, stay away from guys who tell you from the beginning that they are "confused." They aren't the ones who are going to stick around. 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Nagisa said:

 I don't get why did he cry that hard when we parted ways. What do you think about it? Which could be the possible reasons? 

The actual reason is that he's mentally unstable or at the very least, has the maturity level of a child.  You met FIVE TIMES.   And he cried?  That is definitely concerning.

[Chaeryoung]

41 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

The actual reason is that he's mentally unstable or at the very least, has the maturity level of a child.  You met FIVE TIMES.   And he cried?  That is definitely concerning.

I feel guilty about this as well. I was the one who actually started crying and then he followed. I don't know, I got really sad because I thought there was potential. But yeah. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

If you are looking for a boyfriend, stay away from guys who tell you from the beginning that they are "confused." They aren't the ones who are going to stick around. 

I second this. If you're seeking a long term relationship, consider early dating as screening time, and screen OUT anyone who wants 'casual' or doesn't know what he wants. Only date people who are clear about wanting to find a committed relationship themselves.

Then date long enough to learn whether they walk their talk.

The easiest method of getting short term sex is to pretend to want a long term relationship, so get to know a person over t.i.m.e. Anyone who doesn't want to invest that time screens himself out--you don't need to do a thing.

Speaking only for myself, I know that I bond when I'm sexual. So it's really important for me to take the time to learn about people before I blind myself through that bond.

This isn't a finger wag about casual sex, but it's a caution not to blend it with hopes of a long term relationship. Decide where you want to stand, and if it's a LTR, then keep your discernment, allow bad matches to pass early, and hold out for simpatico with the one who wants to invest in TIME with you before making any noises about love.

[Wiseman2]

Just because he likes you and was attracted, doesn't mean someone wants what you want or wants a relationship.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

It may help you identify timewasters including "confused" and other assorted  minimally interested men earlier on so you don't jump in with both feet and get hurt.

[Chaeryoung]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just because he likes you and was attracted, doesn't mean someone wants what you want or wants a relationship.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

It may help you identify timewasters including "confused" and other assorted  minimally interested men earlier on so you don't jump in with both feet and get hurt.

Thank you very much for your recommendation! I just downloaded the book, haha. 

[Batya33]

I also love the old book but excellent IMO called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.  I wouldn’t assume there’s anything unstable about him. And you’re not unstable for choosing to have casual sex even though you’re looking for something serious.  You were attracted to him and it was fun to hang out with him and have sex. Totally fine. 

[Lambert]

21 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Here is the tricky part. He isn't necessarily an attractive guy who could easily sleep with women

You seem to come across like you think you're better than this guy.  Some of the things you'd saying are kind of put downs. like he's to shy, not attractive, not able to easily sleep with women...

But here's the thing you found him attractive, he could talk to you, you slept with him. 

I don't think you're seeing things clearly as you emotionally attached to him through sex, but he did not attach the same way. Your ego is also bruised because you seem to think you're better than him.  like why isn't he just committing to you, he can't get other women. 

He may have cried and been very upset because it is hard to break up with someone, to make them cry, to feel confident in your choice to end it. It is sad and emotional. It doesn't mean he didn't mean it.  It's confusing when something is just "off" between you. 

When someone tells you, in the context he did, as in, to a sexual partner, "they want to live life to the fullest" they absolutely mean they want to have sex with other people.

I think the best thing you can do is learn to accept and respect other people's decisions and to always see mixed signals to mean "not that interested" and walk away with your head high, knowing you can find better. 

Also now that you know you can become attached through sex, hold off. I don't mean to stereotype bc not everyone is in a heterosexual relationship. but men do seem more able to have casual sex over and over with out attaching.  maybe it's because women take the guy inside them. literally allowing the man to enter into the body. just a theory that could be total bs. haha.

Anyway, it's been a month. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get on with life.  If he truly wishy washy and comes back, don't respect him. Weak guys are a dime a dozen. 

 

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

You seem to come across like you think you're better than this guy.  Some of the things you'd saying are kind of put downs. like he's to shy, not attractive, not able to easily sleep with women...

But here's the thing you found him attractive, he could talk to you, you slept with him. 

I don't think you're seeing things clearly as you emotionally attached to him through sex, but he did not attach the same way. Your ego is also bruised because you seem to think you're better than him.  like why isn't he just committing to you, he can't get other women. 

He may have cried and been very upset because it is hard to break up with someone, to make them cry, to feel confident in your choice to end it. It is sad and emotional. It doesn't mean he didn't mean it.  It's confusing when something is just "off" between you. 

When someone tells you, in the context he did, as in, to a sexual partner, "they want to live life to the fullest" they absolutely mean they want to have sex with other people.

I think the best thing you can do is learn to accept and respect other people's decisions and to always see mixed signals to mean "not that interested" and walk away with your head high, knowing you can find better. 

Also now that you know you can become attached through sex, hold off. I don't mean to stereotype bc not everyone is in a heterosexual relationship. but men do seem more able to have casual sex over and over with out attaching.  maybe it's because women take the guy inside them. literally allowing the man to enter into the body. just a theory that could be total bs. haha.

Anyway, it's been a month. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get on with life.  If he truly wishy washy and comes back, don't respect him. Weak guys are a dime a dozen. 

 

Yup. My ego, self-esteem suffered after this rejection. I think it hurts more because it wasn't the first time I was rejected by someone I truly like. And I cannot stop wondering why. Why am I not good enough for him? What's lacking in me. It just hurts a lot. Especially since he told me that I check all the boxes, that he would love to know me better, but that he eventually will want to leave the country in the proximate future. I guess I am also very affected because some things can be felt. I felt that he cared, l truly trusted that he is lost and confused in general. I felt in his last hugs and the firm hold of my hands that longing, the pain. The look in his eyes, the tears. It was very emotional and it confused me. It indeed felt as if he is not sure about what he is doing. But maybe, just maybe, as you said, it's difficult to accept the idea that he might not have liked me that much as to pursue something more.