Despite having feelings, he chose to end it. Confusing situation.

[Chaeryoung]

I've (25F) been seeing this man (27M) for a month and I can honestly tell I've never felt so connected to a guy in this way. We met only 5 times, and we spent an amazing time together. He really seemed eager to know me better, asked me things about myself. We had really enjoyable, fruitful discussions and realised we shared many views. From the first date he asked me what I am looking for, and I said that I would like a relationship, and he told me the same. However, during this month he gave me mixed signals when we were not around one another. Through text he was really scanty.

When we met though, he literally made love to me in the sweetest way possible. He took the time to explore my body, to kiss me all over, to caress and all that implies. We connected so well. Apart from that, we did activities together, he included me in one of his hobbies, we drew together.

However, one day he texted me telling me that he would like to have a discussion with me. We met, and he told me that he has some high days and some low days. That he would like to have a relationship with me as I check in all the boxes, but at the same time he would like to go and leave abroad for a couple of months. He told me that while he is still young, he would like to experiment life to the fullest. Now, i am sure he doesn't mean women. This guy is very shy, introverted and sensitive and doesn't fit the criteria for the common Casanova. He must seemed so confused and conflicted about everything. He almost asked me to decide what to do, what should we do about ourselves. I told him that this decision is up to him and well.

Fast forward two days, he asked to meet again and he told me that he feels that we are in a different place in life, as in he wants a relationship to see how things go, while he thinks that I pursue a more serious commitment. Again, he told me that he feels confused. That he would love to see how a relationship between us would look like, but that he cannot string me along taking in consideration that he might leave one day. Again, I felt pressured to make a decision for him as he asked for my view. I told him to go and move if that's what he wants, so that he would avoid having regrets later on.

I started crying, as I already developed feelings for him, and he started crying as well. When we parted ways he hugged me strongly, held my hands and could barely say something as he was literally crushed. Tears dropped from his eyes and I could feel that he didn't want to let go. He thanked me for everything and he left.

Now I am left hurt and confused. I could literally feel that this guy has feelings for me, yet he decides to leave. What are your views on this?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

he told me that he feels confused. That he would love to see how a relationship between us would look like, but that he cannot string me along taking in consideration that he might leave one day.

Sorry this happened but it sounds like he wanted to demote you to FWB. He seems quite seasoned in planning exit loopholes, then asking women if they'll go along with his "confusion".. 

[Batya33]

My views are you prioritized getting sexually and physically intimate because it was fun and enjoyable and pleasurable over getting to know this person over a period of time, months, to see if you two had the potential for a serious relationship.  It's kind of silly to label someone you barely know as a person who is not interested in multiple partners since you had sex with him right away -so he is a person -like you -who is comfortable with casual sex with someone you do not know well - so it's also not surprising if he enjoys having sex with multiple partners. 

Doesn't make him a player -just like it doesn't mean anything wrong about you in your choice to have casual sex. It is wrong to judge this person you recently met negatively just because you regret having casual sex with him and were expecting a relationship -which is an unrealistic expectation. 

I met many men who were Right on Paper and not right for me.  But I didn't have casual sex since I knew I would get emotionally attached plus I didn't want to risk STDs or pregnancy so if a man decided to flatter me with "you're amazing BUT" I took it as "I'm not ready for a relationship [with you]" and moved on.  

I'd enjoy the memories and the fun and pleasure you had with this person and move on understanding he is not that into you for purposes of anything serious. Perhaps he's not ready to be with anyone but I'd end contact so you don't know if he has started dating someone else -that's kind of too cringy for you to know since you got attached through sex and dating him this short period of time.  I'm sorry it didn't work out. (You also might want to be checked for STDs just in case).  

[Chaeryoung]

My last intention is to judge him. I think you didn't read attentively all that I wrote. But thank you nonetheless for your views. They are very realistic. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

My last intention is to judge him. 

Judging situations and good judgement are good qualities. They could help you identify and avoid players like this who hit and run then break your heart. "Judge" is not a bad word except in social media memes. It means your executive functioning is in order to assess situations accurately.

[Chaeryoung]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Judging situations and good judgement are good qualities. They could help you identify and avoid players like this who hit and run then break your heart. "Judge" is not a bad word except in social media memes. It means your executive functioning is in order to assess situations accurately.

I don't know. This guy seemed so genuine and I could feel that he likes me. I don't get why did he cry that hard when we parted ways. What do you think about it? Which could be the possible reasons? 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

I don't get why did he cry that hard when we parted ways. What do you think about it? Which could be the possible reasons? 

It doesn't matter. It's understandable you're disappointed because you have a nice connection, but you will have to believe him when he says he doesn't want a relationship and tiptoes out for whatever reason, especially after just 5 dates and 30 days.

He may have a few women on the go and decided on someone else and felt like a schmuck so shed some crocodile tears.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

My last intention is to judge him. I think you didn't read attentively all that I wrote. But thank you nonetheless for your views. They are very realistic. 

Cassanova is a way to judge someone's choice to have multiple sex partners.  You said he was too shy to be one -but why can't he just enjoy having multiple partners and perhaps having feelings for more than one person? Doesn't mean he wants a relationship with any of those partners.  

I'd be more attentive to your own goals next time and attentive to how you seem to get attached through casual sex with someone you recently met.  Which is understandable but then perhaps reevaluate whether the fun and pleasure is worth the downside. 

[Chaeryoung]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't matter. It's understandable you're disappointed because you have a nice connection, but you will have to believe him when he says he doesn't want a relationship and tiptoes out for whatever reason, especially after just 5 dates and 30 days.

He may have a few women on the go and decided on someone else and felt like a schmuck so shed some crocodile tears.

Here is the tricky part. He isn't necessarily an attractive guy who could easily sleep with women. Also, he is quite sensitive and introvert. I think he told me about his intentions because he didn't want to continue like this, namely to get to attached. The guy warned me about his plans of leaving one day when he could have easily string me along. Don't you think so? 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

I don't know. This guy seemed so genuine and I could feel that he likes me. I don't get why did he cry that hard when we parted ways. What do you think about it? Which could be the possible reasons? 

Because he may have felt sad about his decision despite knowing it was the best decision for him.  I've certainly been sad about walking away from someone despite knowing it was for the best- whether a friend, an acquaintance, whatever. 

[Chaeryoung]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Cassanova is a way to judge someone's choice to have multiple sex partners.  You said he was too shy to be one -but why can't he just enjoy having multiple partners and perhaps having feelings for more than one person? Doesn't mean he wants a relationship with any of those partners.  

I'd be more attentive to your own goals next time and attentive to how you seem to get attached through casual sex with someone you recently met.  Which is understandable but then perhaps reevaluate whether the fun and pleasure is worth the downside. 

Well, he definitely can. I was trying to defend him from people who would think he is a player. But well, he didn't come very clearly with his intentions as well. Namely, he said he wants a relationship, but then he got scared. It's just a supposition

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

The guy warned me about his plans of leaving one day

Well that was his exit loophole. But unfortunately you went with it anyway.

[Chaeryoung]

Ah. And well. He was quite transparent with me afterwards. He told me that he is in a place in which he wants everything at once. That he is very greedy. He wants the adventure and a relationship as well

[Batya33]

Just now, Nagisa said:

Here is the tricky part. He isn't necessarily an attractive guy who could easily sleep with women. Also, he is quite sensitive and introvert. I think he told me about his intentions because he didn't want to continue like this, namely to get to attached. The guy warned me about his plans of leaving one day when he could have easily string me along. Don't you think so? 

Newsflash -many many men who are not objectively attractive are attractive to many women for many different reasons.  And many women enjoy having sex with men whether or not they have attractive features or are outgoing -they find something attractive, feel the chemistry, simply enjoy having sex and as you said he's good in bed right??  

This was a person you barely knew so you don't know what he is really like as a person in the myriad of life situations that help us get to know someone. 

For example, in a 6 month to a year period you are very likely to see how a person reacts to holidays, your birthday, a bad day at work, a great day at work, a bad cold, a family member's illness, a family member's milestone like a wedding, what he's like on vacation with you and how he treats all sorts of service people -handymen, waiters, flight attendants, customer service people. 

How he treats you when you are sick, happy, worried, scared - over a period of time. 

You've owned pairs of socks longer than you've known him and yet you're trying to analyze what is really simple. You two had a connection that was primarily sexual, you had fun and after 5 dates as many people do he decided there wasn't potential with you for anything serious.  And even warned you about it.  This is why I suggested to move on and leave the analysis to others who know him better. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Well, he definitely can. I was trying to defend him from people who would think he is a player. But well, he didn't come very clearly with his intentions as well. Namely, he said he wants a relationship, but then he got scared. It's just a supposition

Just because he doesn't want a relationship with you -or perhaps with anyone right now - doesn't make him a player.  Just because you enjoy casual sex doesn't mean you also don't want a relationship some day.  I'm not sure he needs any defending - to me it's clear you two had consensual casual sex which was really fun and enjoyable. Treasure the memories and know he is not a candidate for a serious relationship with you.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

e told me that he is in a place in which he wants everything at once. That he is very greedy. He wants the adventure and a relationship as well

Cool. But what's in that for you?

[Chaeryoung]

Nothing. 😞

[Andrina]

4 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Here is the tricky part. He isn't necessarily an attractive guy who could easily sleep with women. Also, he is quite sensitive and introvert. I think he told me about his intentions because he didn't want to continue like this, namely to get to attached. The guy warned me about his plans of leaving one day when he could have easily string me along. Don't you think so? 

You have him high on a pedestal and insist on knowing him so well, being his champion. Even people I've known a lifetime often surprise me with things they say, and I see them in a whole new light. So five or less weeks ago, you don't think he already knew he someday wanted to live abroad a few months? So that means he conveniently waited until after you two were intimate to spring this on you. And really, when you think about, if a couple was together for several years, wouldn't he want to experience something special like living abroad for a few months with his lifelong love? I've taken vacations with and without my husband. Sometimes I've gone with a girlfriend. It did not negatively affect my marriage. IMO, with what you've written, and highlighting what you've written below, he could be the type of man who doesn't want to make the effort it takes to be in a longterm relationship, so he bails when the relationship should move on to the next level. He got what he wanted and onto the next experience where he might also bail as soon as the woman wants more.

 

45 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

However, during this month he gave me mixed signals when we were not around one another. Through text he was really scanty.

You never get mixed signals when a person is crystal clear into you.

Next time, maybe make sure the first few months of dating are spent outside of one another's homes to see if a man truly wants to get to know you and doesn't solely have the goal of bedding you. There are never any guarantees of success, but this is one tool you can utilize.

Cut all contact with him because you two have different goals and so this relationship has zero chance of success. Friendship with him would be unwise, because it will prevent you from bonding with a new man, and will prevent closure. Take care.

[smackie9]

But you have to ask yourself...why did he bother when he already knew his plans right? Maybe he didn't realize you two would hit it off so quickly. Move on...as they say if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be. 

[MissCanuck]

My read is that he enjoyed your company but doesn’t feel the connection or spark with you enough to take it further. 

He did the right thing calling it off, as his heart doesn’t seem to be in it for the longer run. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you were rejected.  It sounds like he just wanted you for sex and once he was done with you,  he decided to give you the "it's me,  not you" breakup story.  He gave you the typical excuse of feeling confused,  needing to go find himself,  blah,  blah,  blah.  🥺  Let him do what he wants.  It was better to end it now as opposed to being with an unreliable guy long term because he would waste your time.

My views are this:  Get tough.  Move on with your life.  Get busy and immersed in your own life. 

In the future,  beware of over zealous behavior moving too fast only to end it.  Take it slower.  Much slower.  Remain cautious and pay very close attention to character and personality.  Never become mesmerized by charming men as they are a dime-a-dozen (typical).  Make sure your radar is up always. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Fast forward two days, he asked to meet again and he told me that he feels that we are in a different place in life, as in he wants a relationship to see how things go, while he thinks that I pursue a more serious commitment. Again, he told me that he feels confused.

Yeah, to have someone 'confused', you don't want that 😕 

And as he mentioned, you are in different places. Meaning he cannot 'give' you what you want & deserve.

You need to just leave this one be, then.

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Nagisa said:

What are your views on this?

That he "sold" you a nice story.

No introverted, inexperienced guy would ever know how to say the right things, drag someone to bed, and then made a clear exit strategy with convenient excuse. That guy has experience with this kind of stuff. 

Also, take anything he says with a grain of salt. His excuse about going away? Just an excuse. Even what he said to you about wanting a relationship and such. You went on 5 dates over a month with the guy. You dont know him enough to claim for certanty how he is. Next time be more careful and dont get attached and sleep with somebody just because he says he wants a relationship. Get to know him first.

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That he "sold" you a nice story.

No introverted, inexperienced guy would ever know how to say the right things, drag someone to bed, and then made a clear exit strategy with convenient excuse. That guy has experience with this kind of stuff. 

Also, take anything he says with a grain of salt. His excuse about going away? Just an excuse. Even what he said to you about wanting a relationship and such. You went on 5 dates over a month with the guy. You dont know him enough to claim for certanty how he is. Next time be more careful and dont get attached and sleep with somebody just because he says he wants a relationship. Get to know him first.

But the thing is he told me from the early beginning that he is confused regarding his life. I knew about his position. He told me one day that while he is still young, he would like to do things, experience things. Last spring he went to the Netherlands and he liked it so much that he decided to go there one day and live for at least a couple of months there. The guy was quite honest from the beginning. At least this is what I would like to believe. He told me that he wants to get at peace with himself, to get knowledge, to have a relationship. Namely he told me that he is greedy, that he wants all at once, but he eventually saw that that is not possible. He is very adventurous as a person. He enjoys doing things that get him out of his comfort zone. 

[Chaeryoung]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That he "sold" you a nice story.

No introverted, inexperienced guy would ever know how to say the right things, drag someone to bed, and then made a clear exit strategy with convenient excuse. That guy has experience with this kind of stuff. 

Also, take anything he says with a grain of salt. His excuse about going away? Just an excuse. Even what he said to you about wanting a relationship and such. You went on 5 dates over a month with the guy. You dont know him enough to claim for certanty how he is. Next time be more careful and dont get attached and sleep with somebody just because he says he wants a relationship. Get to know him first.

Also, quite important. He told me at some point during our discussion that in the other two relationships he had, he also didn't know if he wanted to commit 100%. And that his last gf kind of pressured him to be together. He basically transmitted me that he has this fear that a relationship would hinder him from attaining some goals, that he would eventually lose his freedom.