How the heck should I attract the "right guy"?

[throoawao]

Ok. I started dating again. Woohoo!
I knew I was ready when I didn't crave it to ease any insecurities.
Thus far, since last spring, I dated/entertained a few guys: 
Guy#1: My best friend's cousin. She has been wanting us to get together for the longest time, as we're the same age, both in similar places in life/career, and are both from similar families. I decided to give it a shot, I went on a date with him, then went on another, and I was well, swooped off my feet. I liked him, and he liked me. We both vocalized that we enjoyed each other's company and my best friend told me he told her that he wanted to continue seeing me. I also wanted to continue to explore whatever we had. Then, he randomly messaged me telling me he's not ready for anything serious. I was upset, but wasn't hurt. I was happy he was honest and within a few months, I started to date again. I still feel (embarassingly) hopeful he may change his mind and get back in contact with me when he does eventually want something serious.
Guy#2: Vacation fling. I went on a girls' trip and met a guy at the club. We both enjoyed each other's company, made out quite a lot, and had a good time while I was vacationing in Cali. I'm from Jersey, so we both agreed the distance would not allow us to work out because we had our work/family/friends and life in states of opposite coasts. 
Guy#3: Mismatch. Talked with him a bunch over the years on IG, but we never met. When we did, we had a connection. We had a lot to talk about, and a lot in common. We both wanted the same things: a relationship with more/less serious intentions, and we can see where it goes with no rush. We broke things off because he decided he wanted to fully focus on his career, and could not make any serious promises for a relationship. This was the first guy I cried about after my breakup. The way we broke things off was strangely emotional-- we didn't date long enough to be very attached, but for some reason we felt very sad to part ways.
Guy#4: Another mismatch. He seemed perfect on paper. He was in grad school (like me), similar immigrant background to my own, very kind, attractive. But, our connection didn't seem there... I know what a connection is like, and this was not it. I think it was mutual and we eventually stopped talking. There was nothing to end. 
Guy#5: Current. He's my age, in grad school too, we met up on a few dates. We have crazy physical chemistry. He's very charming and seems to know what he wants. We want similar things, an eventual connection to something serious but not in a rush. But this man is not consistent at freaking all. Last week, we hung out for the first time, and during our date he told me he wants to see me again. During the week, we exchanged a few texts here and there and he mentioned hanging out again (earlier in the week). But then he didn't text until the day we planned to meet. 
2nd date, went well, and during kissing he said he likes me and mentioned again to hang out the following week. It's Tuesday, and he kind of seems to be very distant and has not reached out at all, besides literally two texts during the weekend. Am I being too needy, or do I have reasonable concerns? From this disappearing it feels like he could be ghosting or quick to ghost, or is this an overreaction? I know he didn't promise anything esp from only two dates, but I can't help but think he maybe met someone else. I suppose the weekend will roll around and everything will be clear.

but god damn-- this dating thing makes us vulnerable as HELL

Thoughts? Advice? Let me know, how the heck should I attract the "right" man?

 

Best,
Throo
             

[bluecastle]

42 minutes ago, throoawao said:

Thoughts? Advice? Let me know, how the heck should I attract the "right" man?

General thoughts: This is dating—hits, misses, hits that turn out to be misses, fun nights, meh nights, the buzz of uncertainty, etc.—and you seem to be navigating well.

As for the most recent dude? Whether he gets back in touch or not, I wouldn't be so quick to label it "ghosting." People often fade out in these early days, as you yourself know from Guy #4, so you kind of need to have a thick skin about all that and find ways to curb the investment. If a third date comes about in the time he'd mentioned—great, take it from there. And there's no rule, of course, that you can't reach out to him. If dude is total flake, after all, it's better to know that sooner than later. 

As for how to attract the "right" man? Honestly, I think the key is try not to think about things in that way. Rather, be the "right" you—the you who you want to be every day, alone, with friends, on dates—since the right guy for you is going to be someone who jibes with all that rather than someone who was attracted by a curated 5-point plan for romance. 

[Batya33]

For me it was to become the right person to find the right person.  Ironically my right person had been the wrong person for me 7 years earlier!  Dating requires a thick skin.  The guy you mentioned you met and hooked up with -that's not really relevant to dating -yes you met someone you clicked with but not in the context of properly dating where something was likely to come out of it.  (I also had a vacation fling right after I graduated from grad school in 1994 -also in California and we also decided it wouldn't work long distance -it was really fun while it lasted and we saw each other again casually, platonically as he was a friend of my friend's then husband.  )

For me reliability and consistency were essential and to save my sanity I assumed each date was our last date unless we had specific time/place plans to meet again.  If not I moved on, including emotionally, and if he called in the future to ask me out again -cool.  I didn't want to get too attached especially in the beginning because I wanted to be open to meeting others.

Also "not ready for anything serious" almost always means "with you" so just move along -and it's ok - almost all of the time it's nothing personal about you just not that click.  

Dating all those years was 100% worth it to me because I wanted marriage and family. If I hadn't it wouldn't have been worth it.

 

[SooSad33]

I think you are doing okay.

You have your standards and just aren't so happy at the moment.

Are you having some breathing room between these guys?  Dont feel you have to rush into something the minute the last one fails.

As for attracting them, as mentioned you keep on as you.  Be yourself and keep on.  Don't expect every one will be 'the one'.  We all experience good & bad.  

So, take it easy and go with the flow.  I am sure day you will have a 'good feeling' about some guy because he shows it back!

Things take time, meanwhile keep on with your own life 🙂 .

 

[Kwothe28]

Everything you described, mismatches, flings, ghostings, people who you think they are into you but just go away, its all normal in dating. Some people have that "luck" to meet their match sooner. For example, I have a friend that married the first person he ever dated. And they are a wonderful match.

But most of others have to go through everything you described. Go to many dates that go nowhere, think they meet someone only for other person to fizzle or ghost them etc. Its all part of the process. Sadly, there is no computer algorithm like in that "Black Mirror" episode who will calculate your best match through simulations. Maybe in future it will be possible lol. But for now, you just have to go out, meet people and see where it goes yourself. Looks like you do just that so just continue, dont give up and with some luck you would maybe find somebody suitable.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, throoawao said:

Guy#1:  he's not ready for anything serious. 
Guy#2: Vacation fling. 
Guy#3: . Talked with him  years on IG, but we never met.
Guy#4:  we eventually stopped talking. 
Guy#5: I suppose the weekend will roll around and everything will be clear. 

None of them seem viable. It's not about attracting the right guy, it's about getting rid of timewasters early on.

Have a system. After a couple of messages, meet for a brief coffee/drink. If there's mutual interest go on another date,if not delete block and move on.

Of course vacation flings and cyberpals are not anything anyway, so they don't count as dates.

[smackie9]

Stick with your expectations, and don't waste time with "Giving them the benefit of a doubt". What you see is what you get. They mess up, boot to curb. Also stop investing so much of yourself so soon. Put them on trial and observe. 

[Cherylyn]

You're trying too hard and you are perceived as desperate. 

I can't speak for all women.  I never went on a date during high school and beyond.  Never ever.  No man ever looked at me twice.  I was never the IT girl.  Hence, I simply gave up.  For me,  I've noticed that when I gave up trying to attract men and concentrated on myself, career ascension, health, sports, intellectual pursuits, interests, outings and hobbies,  I was very busy and loved it.  I made myself attractive and in my own way, unavailable.  My excuse was:  "I'm very busy" which was the truth and it intrigued men because I was mysterious and they pursued me relentlessly all the more.  They were attracted to know I was a self made lady, self sufficient, self confident and could make it on my own.   I had an automatic draw because I became my own person.  Before I knew it, I attracted the most eligible bachelors without having to put forth any effort towards them whatsoever.  I'm referring to very moral men because I am the one who could suddenly afford to be very picky and choosy. 

When I asked my boyfriend (current husband) what he found attractive about me, he said, "Financial independence, self confidence, being your own person and a nice lady."  It was the same qualities I've always wanted in a man. 

You have to remain patient.  Grad school is a very hectic, stressful time.  In my experience, there was more time and energy when we were comfortable and secure with our careers.   Men and I were going places in life yet it wasn't unreasonably crazy-busy with careers.  Socially, there were outlets such as backyard barbecues, picnics at the lake with friends and colleagues, baseball games, pizzeria afterwards and the like.  

Not all men are created equal.  I wanted a faith based man and share my Christian faith with him.  Fortunately, my husband ticked all the boxes.  We have two sons and reside in a very comfortable suburban neighborhood.   He's honorable, helpful, a jack-of-all trades, low maintenance, treats everyone with respect and a very decent human being in every sense of the word.  I hit the jackpot with him.  🥇

Shop around.  You might have to encounter duds until you find a winner.  Most of all, be a winner yourself in your own right and men will be attracted to YOU.  You won't have to seek them anymore. 

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you have no problem attracting men so that is a big plus right away.  You also seem to be pretty sure or what you want and secure so that is good as well.

 I am curious what type of guy you want to attract?

Does it matter what his vocation is? Ethnicity? Status? Religion?

If you don't care about those things then just looking for a guy that wants a exclusive relationship that could build into a life long commitment where you share the same life goals and have some things in common will make your search much easier.

In the end it is a lot like fishing.  You have to go where the type of fish you want to catch spend their time.  I don't fish in a pond full of catfish if I want to catch a salmon so you need to think the same way.

 Looking locally is step one unless you are willing to relocate. Step two is a numbers game, the more guys you meet the higher the chance you will come across the right guy for you. Step 3 is really knowing what you are looking for so when you do meet a guy you will know pretty quickly if he is worth an actual date instead of just a coffee meet up.

  They call if dating for a reason.  It is tough out there so thicken up that skin, be be brave and secure in yourself and remember the guy you want to meet is hoping to attract a woman just like you.

Lost

[jul-els]

Trial and error. It’s messy, but there is no other way. Believe me, I wish there was, lol. 

[Cherylyn]

Nothing is more attractive than self confidence albeit not cocky. 

If you're wishing for a very moral, successful man, then be a very moral, successful lady.  You attract a gem by being the needle in a haystack yourself.   It works both ways.

[Tinydance]

I think if when you date guys, you get the issue that either you're interested and they're not, and vice versa, that's pretty normal for dating. When I might be worried is when you date guys, they're always the ones ending it and it's never you. Then you might want to think about if you're the common denominator.

Otherwise it's exactly like what you said, in most cases there's no connection. People can be nice and good on paper but it's not easy to actually find someone you really click with and feel the attraction. 

[throoawao]

On 9/28/2022 at 11:26 AM, lostandhurt said:

"I am curious what type of guy you want to attract?

Does it matter what his vocation is? Ethnicity? Status? Religion?

If you don't care about those things then just looking for a guy that wants a exclusive relationship that could build into a life long commitment where you share the same life goals and have some things in common will make your search much easier.

In the end it is a lot like fishing.  You have to go where the type of fish you want to catch spend their time.  I don't fish in a pond full of catfish if I want to catch a salmon so you need to think the same way."

This is a great quote, "don't fish in a pond of catfish if you want to catch salmon". I suppose I was just checking out the waters, seeing what's out there. I have no care for ethnicity, religion, etc. In the long run, I'd like to settle down with a respectable, stable man who is interested in a monogamous relationship with kids. So as you say, perhaps the more I date the more chances I'll find the right guy. 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, throoawao said:

This is a great quote, "don't fish in a pond of catfish if you want to catch salmon". I suppose I was just checking out the waters, seeing what's out there. I have no care for ethnicity, religion, etc. In the long run, I'd like to settle down with a respectable, stable man who is interested in a monogamous relationship with kids. So as you say, perhaps the more I date the more chances I'll find the right guy. 

While at the same time, limit your parameters and whittle down the list of men so you're not wasting your time, energy and resources on a bunch of rejects.  Not everyone makes the cut to begin with.

[Carnatic]

This just sounds like normal dating to me. None of the guys you described sound like particular wrong'uns. I assumed you were gonna say that the guys you met turned out to be cheats, creeps or red flags and how do you date guys who will be respectful and decent, but they sound nice enough, you just gonna keep at it until you meet the right guy for you.

[TambienLluvia]

I only read the OP first post, then dropping some comments. If you feel comfortable sharing your age and/or the age difference of the men you're dating, that'd help. Also, the guys you listed out, were those all happening at once, overlapping, or completely in numerical succession i.e., Guy #1, then Guy 2 etc.?

 

I want to read more of the thread before giving a more thorough response or opinion. But at least with the question of "how to find the right guy", I think you're on the right track. It's good that you're asking yourself (and others) this question. Obviously, the "right guy" for you isn't going to be the same as a girlfriend of yours or something, so it's hard to compare. That said, I do think that women in general, on average do have a "type" or at least certain standards for men they'd consider LTR "mating/dating" material. 

I'm fascinated with the dance of dating, the intersexual dynamics, and evolutionary psychology. I find it super interesting to peel back the onion layers and understand why it is that we are attracted to what we are attracted to. I think it makes some people uncomfortable to talk about, but it's really helpful. I heard an evolutionary biologist professor once refer to this sort of as "Ancient ideas in modern skulls" - meaning that we have evolved certain mate preferences throughout human history and only recently have modern times and technology made many of those "old school" ideas seem obsolete. 

I always say this to girls, or female friends about finding a guy. So, you probably have a type, and certain things you want from a man. List out those things. Imagine your perfect match but be realistic as perfect doesn't exist. Whatever list of characteristics or qualifications you think he needs to have to be suitable for you. Then think to yourself, that guy, the one you just imagined would be perfect for you, what do you think HE wants in a woman? 

I think we spend a lot of time thinking about all the laundry checklist things the other person has to be without thinking about how we also need to become the type of person THAT person is looking for. I hope that makes sense. I'm happy to elaborate and give some thoughts as to what I think "HVM" aka high value, quality men who many women would consider LTR material and high value mating potential are looking for in a woman.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TambienLluvia said:

I think we spend a lot of time thinking about all the laundry checklist things the other person has to be without thinking about how we also need to become the type of person THAT person is looking for.

I think of it differently.  I think too many women try to twist themselves into a pretzel to get asked out again without considering "wait do I actually like this person and what this person stands for?"  I don't think anyone needs to become the type of person someone else is looking for.  I think two people who meet and click find that they have things in common, have a common outlook on life, and feel comfortable around each other so that they want to get to know each other better. 

Also not everyone knows exactly what they are looking for -meaning sure there's the essential list - if a potentially serious relationship then shared views on marriage/family (or not having either), where they want to live/move to, financial goals, career goals  - but often that click is based on - feeling at home and feeling excited at the same time by being around the person, not by musing over whether that person is the "type they are looking for" or whether they are the "type" the other person is looking for.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, TambienLluvia said:

I think we spend a lot of time thinking about all the laundry checklist things the other person has to be without thinking about how we also need to become the type of person THAT person is looking for.

I understand what you're shooting for here, I'd just caution against what this can be so easily twisted to mean. The goal is neither to market ourselves to a target audience nor to become what we believe someone else might want. 

I think seeking the RIGHT match means learning the resiliency to screen OUT bad matches until we stumble across simpatico AND one who walks their 'talk'.

While the oldest sage advice to 'be yourself' seems to fail whenever it's tried out against a template of fantasy matches that end up to be wrong matches, maybe that's not really a 'fail'?

Maybe that's the stuff that teaches us the persistence required to roll with the slings and arrows of meeting many-many bad matches before we can recognize REAL simpatico.

Relaxing into the 'be yourself' advice is dynamic--it changes over time. The right person in your teens may not be the right person in your 30's, and so growing comfortable with who YOU are at any given time only means that you'll always seek someone with the right lens to 'see' and appreciate your unique value, even while you notice a congruency in theirs.

That's not playing to the masses. It's not trying to attract quantity. It's relaxing into your own authenticity and 'allowing' the right match to find you.

Head high, set up a lot of quick meets over coffee, and take breaks when you need them.