ONS - Pregnancy

[boltnrun]

Just now, RKO said:

Yes I also thought that too or she’s making a note as to what to tell people. Who knows 

I suggest just telling people that all the information you have is that she's pregnant but beyond that you have no info. No need to tell an elaborate, detailed story.

If anyone persists with probing questions or is rude, simply say you don't have anything further to add. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

But you are not. You hate her guts and would never want to be with her, and don't want this kid.  You are the worst choice.

Unless the other one is married or already has a girlfriend. 

(Assuming there even is another one) 

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Didn't she insist she doesn't want you involved anyway? 

She doesn't make any sense. 

No, she said I don’t have to be involved and wouldn’t expect anything off me if I decided to walk away

[MissCanuck]

Just now, RKO said:

No, she said I don’t have to be involved and wouldn’t expect anything off me if I decided to walk away

Got it. 

In any case, I wouldn't expect it to stay this way. I am almost certain that she will eventually request child support from you. At that point, contact a lawyer and get a DNA test ordered. 

Until then, there is nothing more to discuss with her. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Unless the other one is married or already has a girlfriend. 

(Assuming there even is another one) 

Probably still a better option that someone that goes on how they will be "ruined."  Sorry buddy, but her body is going through drastic changes, is completely vulnerable, scared, and probably feels super alone.  And at the end, she gets to squeeze a watermelon out of the opening the size of a grapefruit, then go though post-partem.

If you can't take breath, then just take a break... take some time for reflection.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Probably still a better option that someone that goes on how they will be "ruined."  Sorry buddy, but her body is going through drastic changes, is completely vulnerable, scared, and probably feels super alone.  And at the end, she gets to squeeze a watermelon out of the opening the size of a grapefruit, then go though post-partem.

If you can't take breath, then just take a break... take some time for reflection.

Every pregnancy is different, every woman experiences it differently both because of difference in physical perspective and emotional. Mine was not all like that, neither was my birth experience.  My post-partum was extremely unusual and very very scary from a medical perspective -but very unusual.  

Also every parent is different -some start out not being sure/not wanting to be a parent then change, or are all excited over the moon until reality sets in, etc.  So right now if he wanted to be involved he would step up and financially support and he has the right to change his mind and show that change with his actions.  (In my case it was all smooth sailing that way -we always wanted a family, we wanted a family with each other for years, we were over the moon during and after the pregnancy).  

[boltnrun]

They're going to draw blood from the baby to do post birth tests. I don't know why the DNA test can't be done at that time or why she's so vigorously opposed. Or why she's claiming knowing a test is to be done would ruin her pregnancy. There are always normal concerns during pregnancy. I remember having a horribly frightening and realistic

nightmare about miscarrying fairly early in pregnancy (before I had any issues) and waking up sobbing uncontrollably. Why an upcoming DNA test would send her into a tailspin is odd. Unless she fears the result.

And fathers experience this too, even those who are in favor of the pregnancy. My husband acted really weird while I was pregnant with our son. But when he was born he morphed into a terrific father.

[Jaunty]

Please just stop.  You are participating way too much in needless drama.   This young woman is probably full of anxiety and hormones and what she says or does could be very erratic.  It definitely doesn't need to be dissected by you.  

Several pages ago when you asked her for a paternity test and she refused was the last time you needed to have contact with her.   If she decided to have a test later, and ultimately wants to seek financial or other participation from you, she knows where to find you.  You talked it through with your mother, who gave you support that you needed.  

Yet here you are still stirring the drama. 

Stop.   

I hope you have learned something from this experience.

[tattoobunnie]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Every pregnancy is different, every woman experiences it differently both because of difference in physical perspective and emotional. Mine was not all like that, neither was my birth experience.  My post-partum was extremely unusual and very very scary from a medical perspective -but very unusual.  

Also every parent is different -some start out not being sure/not wanting to be a parent then change, or are all excited over the moon until reality sets in, etc.  So right now if he wanted to be involved he would step up and financially support and he has the right to change his mind and show that change with his actions.  (In my case it was all smooth sailing that way -we always wanted a family, we wanted a family with each other for years, we were over the moon during and after the pregnancy).  

Yes, every single pregnancy is different.  But the way the OP is making it out, he believes he has it so much worse.  I feel bad for the baby mama...not cuz she's a woman, but based on how the OP is posting about her and what a "Ho" she must be, it screams, "it's all her fault!"  Given this type of environment, this woman doesn't need all this stress, and it is ruining her pregnancy.

You had the love and support of your hubs, like I did. Knowing someone would be there with you throughout and beyond is much less stressful than someone telling us we're lose "Hos"

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, RKO said:

she said I don’t have to be involved and wouldn’t expect anything off me if I decided to walk away

Perfect. Then leave it be. You're probably right that you're not her first rodeo riding bareback with random men. You should get STD testing. Get some condoms.

She made all these bad decisions. Drunk sex, no protection, keeping this. Unless you hear from the courts one day, don't bother with her. Delete and block her and all her people. 

[boltnrun]

I also disagree that typing your thoughts on this forum is "creating drama". Isn't that what this forum is for? To get one's thoughts out and ask for opinions?

My psychologist doesn't accuse me of "creating drama" when I bring up things that concern or worry me. That's what I pay her for!

Now, if you go ahead with telling a long, drawn out and detailed story if anyone in your world asks about the pregnancy, THAT would be "creating drama". Or if you continue to message the woman after you said you wouldn't unless and until she agrees to a paternity test. 

Otherwise, carry on with your life and just be aware that in 28-ish weeks (or possibly later) you may get notified about a court filing. Or you may not. But no need to dwell on it.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

based on how the OP is posting about her and what a "Ho" she must be

I missed this. Where did he say that? 

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I missed this. Where did he say that? 

His general sentiment is that she had sex with few other people. 

3 hours ago, RKO said:

The more i think of it the more im thinking shes had sex with someone else and crapping herself about something that might come back on her.

 

Even his mom supports that claim

12 hours ago, RKO said:

my mum thinks either she’s picked me out of a possible few that could be the father

 

Which is probably more "coping" mechanism then anything else. His whole thought process relies more on hoping how he is not the father. And how he can avoid responsability there. So to me he is more hoping it to be truth then if he has an actual evidence of it. Because his "cope" is that it isnt his. Less problems for him I guess. Which is fair sentiment as far as he is concerned but not really fair to a girl he sleped with. Because "Yeah that ho sleped with who knows who else and lies to me" doesnt sound like a good thought process. We have a very famous movie here about more of the same situation(he was drunk and they had ONS). There is a famous line the main guy in the movie says to his pregnant girl "How do I know that the baby is even mine?". He gets slapped after that lol. 

I mean OK, if he suspects, DNA test is in order. You can do it as early as 7 weeks I think. Just dont think accusing the pregnant girl of lying and sleeping with multiple people was the best way to go. And that it just brought him where his "cope" wanted it to be. Absolving his concious of further consequences of his behavior. He trully became his dad. As far as her and maybe his kid is concerned, he aint even caring for that. 

[RKO]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

His general sentiment is that she had sex with few other people. 

Even his mom supports that claim

 

Which is probably more "coping" mechanism then anything else. His whole thought process relies more on hoping how he is not the father. And how he can avoid responsability there. So to me he is more hoping it to be truth then if he has an actual evidence of it. Because his "cope" is that it isnt his. Less problems for him I guess. Which is fair sentiment as far as he is concerned but not really fair to a girl he sleped with. Because "Yeah that ho sleped with who knows who else and lies to me" doesnt sound like a good thought process. We have a very famous movie here about more of the same situation(he was drunk and they had ONS). There is a famous line the main guy in the movie says to his pregnant girl "How do I know that the baby is even mine?". He gets slapped after that lol. 

I mean OK, if he suspects, DNA test is in order. You can do it as early as 7 weeks I think. Just dont think accusing the pregnant girl of lying and sleeping with multiple people was the best way to go. And that it just brought him where his "cope" wanted it to be. Absolving his concious of further consequences of his behavior. He trully became his dad. As far as her and maybe his kid is concerned, he aint even caring for that. 

Think you missed the part where I said I'd Step up if I have paternity test that turns out I'm the father (the one she's refusing to have)

Perhaps you also missed the part where the baby mother told me she had meeting up with her holiday romance the week before?

 

[RKO]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I also disagree that typing your thoughts on this forum is "creating drama". Isn't that what this forum is for? To get one's thoughts out and ask for opinions?

My psychologist doesn't accuse me of "creating drama" when I bring up things that concern or worry me. That's what I pay her for!

Now, if you go ahead with telling a long, drawn out and detailed story if anyone in your world asks about the pregnancy, THAT would be "creating drama". Or if you continue to message the woman after you said you wouldn't unless and until she agrees to a paternity test. 

Otherwise, carry on with your life and just be aware that in 28-ish weeks (or possibly later) you may get notified about a court filing. Or you may not. But no need to dwell on it.

Exactly not sure how coming here to talk things through with strangers from across the world is drama. I guess it doesn't fit with some people's narratives that may have been through similar 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

Exactly not sure how coming here to talk things through with strangers from across the world is drama. 

You misunderstood @Jaunty, you were creating drama in your life. No one stated you can't vent here, did they? Where did you get that weird idea from?

[Wonderstruck]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

Exactly not sure how coming here to talk things through with strangers from across the world is drama. I guess it doesn't fit with some people's narratives that may have been through similar 

Don't assume ANYTHING about me or any other woman on this forum.

I have NEVER been pregnant and I don't have an absentee father.

Tread lightly.

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

His general sentiment is that she had sex with few other people. 

I don't see that. 

She told him herself she'd met up with a former fling the week prior. It is not illogical or unreasonable for OP to therefore wonder if this other man could be the father. 

 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, RKO said:

Think you missed the part where I said I'd Step up if I have paternity test that turns out I'm the father (the one she's refusing to have)

Perhaps you also missed the part where the baby mother told me she had meeting up with her holiday romance the week before?

 

Could be. I am not saying you are maybe not in the right. Just saying that you are more hoping there then that you have an actual evidence of that. You are "washing your hands" with that one. Absolving your concience. Think you also said how tomorrow if anybody asks you wont have to disclose a kid as it isnt yours if she refuses. Which tells me that you are more concerned with that(oh and how other people would tell its yours lol) then about her and the kid that is maybe trully yours. Says a lot about you then about her. But hey, we already established that "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree".

I mean, would you be OK if you know that the kid might be yours? Or your concience would be clear because she doesnt ask for your help at all? After you basically called her a ho and accused her of lying to you?

Its those kind of moral decision that determine how we are as a person. Yours arent that great.

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't see that. 

She told him herself she'd met up with a former fling the week prior. It is not illogical or unreasonable for OP to therefore wonder if this other man could be the father. 

 

I dont refute that. Just saying that its more him hoping to be the truth. Then if its maybe an actual one. He can request DNA test by himself over court. She cant refuse that. Trouble is that he is so detached and wants to "wash hands" from whole situation that he would rather believe how she sleped with more people and that kid isnt his then actually pursue the truth. Less troubles for him I guess. Like this he can pretend he doesnt have a kid. While the reality would be maybe different.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Could be. I am not saying you are maybe not in the right. Just saying that you are more hoping there then that you have an actual evidence of that. You are "washing your hands" with that one. Absolving your concience. Think you also said how tomorrow if anybody asks you wont have to disclose a kid as it isnt yours if she refuses. Which tells me that you are more concerned with that(oh and how other people would tell its yours lol) then about her and the kid that is maybe trully yours. Says a lot about you then about her. But hey, we already established that "the apple doesnt fall far from the tree".

I mean, would you be OK if you know that the kid might be yours? Or your concience would be clear because she doesnt ask for your help at all? After you basically called her a ho and accused her of lying to you?

Its those kind of moral decision that determine how we are as a person. Yours arent that great.

I dont refute that. Just saying that its more him hoping to be the truth. Then if its maybe an actual one. He can request DNA test by himself over court. She cant refuse that. Trouble is that he is so detached and wants to "wash hands" from whole situation that he would rather believe how she sleped with more people and that kid isnt his then actually pursue the truth. Less troubles for him I guess. Like this he can pretend he doesnt have a kid. While the reality would be maybe different.

I think you need to re-read my posts tbh as you are quite wide of the mark on a few things here as you see to have missed quite a bit of info, whether by accident or through blinkered eyes

[gamon]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

I think you need to re-read my posts tbh as you are quite wide of the mark on a few things here as you see to have missed quite a bit of info, whether by accident or through blinkered eyes

Agreed. People read what they want to read, there are so many things wrong with that post I wouldn't even know where to start pointing them out.

You gotta wonder when people trigger like that what their own personal experiences have been.

I suggest you simply ignore.

 

[boltnrun]

People give advice based on their personal experience. But that's not to say YOUR experience should be taken personally by anyone other than the parties involved.

Pregnancy and parenthood is always a hot button issue. There are no simple answers. It's a nice fantasy to say "once you hold the baby you'll fall in love!" just like it's a nice fantasy to think "if she can't prove it's your baby then it's not yours and you can easily skip away!" Neither scenario is carved in stone fact, it's just what some people experienced or what they wished they'd experienced.

In my case no way would that man have held the baby and fallen in love. He was adamant that I abort and that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. And he told me if I wanted any financial help I'd have to take him to court but he would hate me for it (he didn't hate me while he was sticking his winky dink in me with no condom, but whatever 🙄 ) But that was my experience. Doesn't mean it always happens that way or that I'm going through life bitter and angry at men for what happened to me.

All you can do is go on with your life with the understanding that things could possibly change once the baby is born. And that if it turns out the child is yours, you'll hopefully step up and help provide financially.

[Tinydance]

Well I think it doesn't matter how OP feels, as he doesn't know this girl much and doesn't know if she's dating anyone else, he is entitled to this paternity test. It's not necessarily saying she HAS slept with other guys but it's the fact he doesn't really know much about her or what she's doing in her life. If she was his girlfriend and he lived with her and things like that, obviously his doubts that he's the father would be a lot less/none.

Also in some Western cultures it's acceptable to have FWB or date more than one person at the same time. Here in Australia it's generally not judged, many people do it, both male and female. This doesn't call her promiscuous or a bad person but just that maybe she was seeing more than one guy. Again, OP doesn't know so he has a right to check that he's the father.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Yes, every single pregnancy is different.  But the way the OP is making it out, he believes he has it so much worse.  I feel bad for the baby mama...not cuz she's a woman, but based on how the OP is posting about her and what a "Ho" she must be, it screams, "it's all her fault!"  Given this type of environment, this woman doesn't need all this stress, and it is ruining her pregnancy.

You had the love and support of your hubs, like I did. Knowing someone would be there with you throughout and beyond is much less stressful than someone telling us we're lose "Hos"

I don't think he said that. I don't think he should be involved with the child beyond financial unless he has a significant attitude change about parenthood.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, RKO said:

 I said I'd Step up if I have paternity test that turns out I'm the father 

The only mistake you made was assuming it's yours and caving to guilt trips telling her you would "step up" etc.

This was a drunken encounter. Not a GF. That's it. There's zero reason to shoulder all the guilt when she made one poor choice after the next.

Put it to rest. Stop communicating with her. If she wants to obtain your DNA she can get a court order. .  Your DNA is compared to the child's.That's how it works.

Get STD testing. Unplanned pregnancies aren't the only bad things that can happen from unprotected sex.