ONS - Pregnancy

[RKO]

Im not sure why people think me wanting a paternity is a bad thing. Its a whole life commitment, not like buying a used car with no service history.

Could you imagine the heartbreak of going by a ONS word that its my child, bonding, then finding out 18 years down the line it wasnt mine?

Madness

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The only mistake you made was assuming it's yours and caving to guilt trips telling her you would "step up" etc.

This was a drunken encounter. Not a GF. That's it. There's zero reason to shoulder all the guilt when she made one poor choice after the next.

Put it to rest. Stop communicating with her. If she wants to obtain your DNA she can get a court order. .  Your DNA is compared to the child's.That's how it works.

Get STD testing. Unplanned pregnancies aren't the only bad things that can happen from unprotected sex.

Yes I agree with you there. I know this is exactly the advice I'd be giving to a friends/you guys on here. I think i've just been in shock and not being able to talk it through face to face with someone IRL didnt help (did appreciate all yours)

[Batya33]

Of course you are entitled to confirm whether you are the father.  For all you know she was doing IVF or artificial insemination but figured she'd roll the dice and see if she could get pregnant this way. My friend did IVF-single mother by choice -kept dating while she was doing this, and even while newly pregnant.  She did NOT have sex with anyone but also didn't reveal to men she dated a handful of times what she was doing.  You never know especially when you have sex with a stranger when you are not sober.

Also consider if you or someone in your family needs a transplant/donor match it wouldn't hurt to know if this child is yours (I realize that's extreme but don't rule out you having a change of heart and affirmatively wanting to know).

[RKO]

Just an update, still not heard anything from her, so far been good to her word.

Presume she would have mentioned she's pregnant to friends, so far nothing been said to me about it.

Its still hanging over me constantly, not as bad now I've spoken to my mum but it's still there.

Waking up feeling sick with worry for a few hours until it subsides and start to feel a bit more "normal"

Then it hits again

Feel like there's no escape from the feeling that it can all change any minute.

I'm not enjoying life like I used to.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

I'm not enjoying life like I used to

That's about you, not this situation. This situation is closed until further notice. You need to accept that and let go of the drama as a distraction from whatever else is dogging you.

Sometimes depressed people live from drama to drama just to feel "alive". Sometimes they juggle several dramas at once because of the craving for chaos to keep their minds occupied.

Let go of it. It's over. She reiterated that she wants Nothing to do with you.

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's about you, not this situation. This situation is closed until further notice. You need to accept that and let go of the drama as a distraction from whatever else is dogging you.

Sometimes depressed people live from drama to drama just to feel "alive". Sometimes they juggle several dramas at once because of the craving for chaos to keep their minds occupied.

Let go of it. It's over. She reiterated that she wants Nothing to do with you.

I wish I could do wiseman, I really do and believe me I’m trying, keeping busy, went to a music concert as an escape, was much needed but it’s still “there”

 

I wouldn’t say she’s said “I want nothing to do with you” either.

[DarkCh0c0]

I understand.

If I was in your shoes, I'd still be worried. You don't know if the kid is yours or not for sure, and she won't let you find out. I think most people would not like to live knowing they might have abandoned their child.

Please seek support from your mum, friends, and a good therapist. It's not easy. Opening up to friends might give you an outlet instead of bottling up. Also, keep doing some activities/go to work. That'll show your brain that despite the news, your life will go on.

You got this.

[RKO]

Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

I understand.

If I was in your shoes, I'd still be worried. You don't know if the kid is yours or not for sure, and she won't let you find out. I think most people would not like to live knowing they might have abandoned their child.

Please seek support from your mum, friends, and a good therapist. It's not easy. Opening up to friends might give you an outlet instead of bottling up. Also, keep doing some activities/go to work. That'll show your brain that despite the news, your life will go on.

You got this.

Thank you.

I have surprised myself actually that I’ve still been going to work etc, a few years ago I don’t think I would have, I think I’d have been even worse so there’s small mercies.

My mum continues to be great support every day I need it, keeps saying no matter what happens it will all be ok and I will be fine.

she is also still convinced she is hiding something pretty huge by refusing the paternity test

[DarkCh0c0]

Can you not meet this woman you got pregnant and ask her outright what the deal is? I honestly would do that and watch her body language/ect. Her texting you that she's pregnant is... Off.

That's the only thing that comes up to my mind and that would probably give me a clue/some peace. I would somehow insist on knowing the real story f2f until she confesses.

[RKO]

11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you not meet this woman you got pregnant and ask her outright what the deal is? I honestly would do that and watch her body language/ect. Her texting you that she's pregnant is... Off.

That's the only thing that comes up to my mind and that would probably give me a clue/some peace. I would somehow insist on knowing the real story f2f until she confesses.

I think due to everything I’d rather keep it via message so I have proof of what she says.

when I met her initially she gave me different dates of her last period and how many weeks she was along. I have no proof of that now

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is find a way to manage your anxiety until you can determine the baby's paternity. 

So walk through that fear for a moment, in practical terms: what do you feel is the very worst thing that could happen if you are in fact the father? 

[RKO]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

All you can do is find a way to manage your anxiety until you can determine the baby's paternity. 

So walk through that fear for a moment, in practical terms: what do you feel is the very worst thing that could happen if you are in fact the father? 

Worst thing?
The mother dies and I am a full time single parent or I lose my mum (heaven forbid) and I have no support 

Another bad thing, but not as bad as above - I lose my freedom, lose myself, unable to do the things i enjoy like last minute trips away etc

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, RKO said:

The mother dies and I am a full time single parent 

You're not the father. You're not responsible for that child. You're catastrophizing again.

It's not up to you to determine it's paternity. The onus is on her to have it's DNA tested for that if she wants financial support for it. Which she has already told you she Does Not.

You seem to keep insisting on anxiety and chaos and untruths. Why? 

The only testing you need is STDs. The only facts you have is using zero protection with someone you're not in a relationship with.

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

Worst thing?
The mother dies and I am a full time single parent or I lose my mum (heaven forbid) and I have no support 

Another bad thing, but not as bad as above - I lose my freedom, lose myself, unable to do the things i enjoy like last minute trips away etc

I thought you wanted zero involvement even if this child is yours, though? Apart from financial, I mean. 

Because if that's the case and you sign off on your parental rights, why are you worried about the above? Or have you had a change of heart? 

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not the father. You're not responsible for that child. You're catastrophizing again. Just stop and get some help.

We dont know this 100% do we

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

We dont know this 100% do we

No, you don't. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

We dont know this 100% do we

So? She doesn't want you involved. She won't have it tested for DNA. You're just creating drama.

You also don't know most things 100 %.  You're not listening. It's not your responsibility until she has it tested and subpoenas you for a DNA sample to match.

How do you know "100%" you don't have several STDs? There's a greater chance of that and you refuse to get tested.

[DarkCh0c0]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

Worst thing?
The mother dies and I am a full time single parent or I lose my mum (heaven forbid) and I have no support 

Another bad thing, but not as bad as above - I lose my freedom, lose myself, unable to do the things i enjoy like last minute trips away etc

Can you get therapy? Like, when is the soonest time you can book appointments with at least 2 different therapists?

I think @MissCanuckis pointing you to a good direction.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I understand.

If I was in your shoes, I'd still be worried. You don't know if the kid is yours or not for sure, and she won't let you find out. I think most people would not like to live knowing they might have abandoned their child.

Please seek support from your mum, friends, and a good therapist. It's not easy. Opening up to friends might give you an outlet instead of bottling up. Also, keep doing some activities/go to work. That'll show your brain that despite the news, your life will go on.

You got this.

I understand too (I love the sentiment "you got this" -the intention -and it's also ok if it doesn't work for you OP - ok to feel like you don't "got this").

I think also give it time -it's still a shock to your system.  And if you're prone to what ifs  -there are what ifs.  You will find ways to think about it, to process it that alleviate the extreme reactions.  It's literally life changing -a life is in the process of being created as far as you know and you don't know if you helped create it.  

Give it time, seek out your support, also I recommend Martha Beck's books for tools on how to deal with this sort of "shock". She also has a blog and website.  

You will find a way to process that -you may never know - because unless you keep in touch with her she may make it impossible to be in touch and you may choose not to go the court route if you wish to know.  

But yes give it more time. It happened so recently! (4-7-8 breathing -Weil method -helps me a lot with what ifs)

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, RKO said:

Worst thing?
The mother dies and I am a full time single parent or I lose my mum (heaven forbid) and I have no support 

Another bad thing, but not as bad as above - I lose my freedom, lose myself, unable to do the things i enjoy like last minute trips away etc

Yes - that could happen if you don't sign away parental rights - and do not expect your mom to be able to help you in a physical way especially - you never know or she may not wish to at that time which is her right.  My mother who loves me to pieces and loves her grandchildren told me when I was 37 and considering single mother by choice (sperm donor route) that she would love to say she'd help me but she was getting older and she couldn't promise to be able to help me physically.  She wanted me to know that in advance.  I had not asked her but she wanted me to know.  

Yes, you lose freedom when you are a parent -especially an unwilling one (meaning I don't mind giving up my freedom you listed above and sometimes I do but it's all worth it because I wanted to be a mom) - some people pay to regain freedom -hire people, put their child in activities when the child is old enough, boarding school, etc.  but you are still on the hook - you pick up the child if the child is sick or pay yet someone else to do so.  But you can buy back some freedoms.

I hear you about last minute trips -in reality do you do that very often? My friend is a single mom and is leaving her 12 year old for 5 days while she flies to London from the U.S. for a girlfriend bday trip.  She has a hodgepodge of neighbors to help. 

She knows she will have to cancel if her son is sick.  It hangs over her too but it's life.  In reality-her plan is an outlier -I've never heard of a single parent leaving the country without hiring someone to stay with a minor child overnight in the home or have a family member (she has none).  So yes it complicates last minute trips and/or makes them impossible.  But don't you already have to cancel if heaven forbid your mom was ill or your boss needed you suddenly?  Just try to get some perspective.  

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - that could happen if you don't sign away parental rights

Parental rights? She has not proven he's the father and can not even put him on the birth certificate. She has not requested his DNA to match it to the child. He is Not a parent until she Proves it. Even then, she wants nothing to do with with him and may have designated others. Therefore it's just wild catastrophizing on his part.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Parental rights? She has not proven he's the father and can not even put him on the birth certificate. She has not requested his DNA to match it to the child. He is Not a parent until she Proves it. Even then, she wants nothing to do with with him and may have designated others. Therefore it's just wild catastrophizing on his part.

Sorry. I thogijt it was obvious I meant if he is the father. I don’t know the law but he may change his mind and affirmatively wish to find out wither way. If he does I’m not sure what his rights are or the procedure.
To me it’s not wild catastrophizing. It would be if he hadn’t had intercourse at all or hadn’t had it at any time related to her pregnancy like last year. But he did. Therefore he may have created this fetus or baby or however you’re all comfortable referring to this pregnancy. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 he may change his mind and affirmatively wish to find out wither way. 

She has 100% control over whether she allows DNA testing on her child, not him. She has already told him she will not allow it. So yes he's catastrophizing that his life is "ruined as a single parent".

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has 100% control over whether she allows DNA testing on her child, not him. She has already told him she will not allow it. So yes he's catastrophizing that his life is "ruined as a single parent".

I don’t agree with you as I don’t know what the law is as far as a father’s rights. And he may change his mind. Many do. She might change her mind. Many do especially during such a life changing event as pregnancy. And she may get information during genetic counseling that motivates her to want to confirm paternity.
Certainly when I received such counseling and information my husband’s medical and family history mattered a great deal. In fact I had extensive blood work done and was told if I was a carrier for certain genetic defects he’d have to undergo testing too. I was not so he did not but it’s quite intertwined. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t know what the law is as far as a father’s rights.

I am trying to give him sound advice, not debate the maybes. So far he is NOT the father until she PROVES it. In the US a woman does NOT have to allow tests on her child to maybe this or maybe that. Children have rights and the legal guardian will be the mother in this case. Nobody runs around getting DNA tests on children to match with however many sexual encounters there were.